Blended Families
kjbc2003
member
How to handle besides screaming in my car by myself??
kjbc2003
member
Hey guys, I just got married to my DH in october 2010 and found out about month later that we were expecting our first child together. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and she is 5 yrs old. I have a great relationship with my SD and love when we have her. Recently, we told her that she would be having a new sibling after the 4th of july. She has a sibling on her BM's side that is 8 i think. My DH does not have a good relationship with BM it has basically went down since i came into the picture and am a "mom" figure when we have SD. BM has often said rude things about me and my DH to my SD when she is with her since i met my DH a few years ago. BM has said that i didnt matter to SD, i wouldnt be around for very long, she doesnt have to listen to me if she doesnt want to, etc. I have kept my cool everytime i hear about it and just have my DH re-enforce that while she is with us SD does have to listen to me if i ask her to do something as i am an adult and a parental figure in our home. I have always kept the idea of "well that is how your mom feels" when SD will mention these things to me. Lately, SD has been saying that she does not like living at her mom's home and wants to stay with us. Now we have tried to get the custody order switched so we would have her more of the time but since mother is not completely awful the court wont change it until SD is saying it when she is older. Two weeks ago when we had SD the last time i asked her if she had told her sibling that she was going to have a sibling on this side. SD stated yes she had but overheard her mom and grandma (who lives with BM and SD) state that "they dont like that she will have a baby here, she DOES NOT have to like the new baby, she doesn't have to count the baby as her sibling, she doesn't have to be nice to the baby, and to be as mean as possible once the baby comes". I find it very sad that BM is teaching her child this and very frustrating that when we have her we have to spend our time telling her "yes the baby is your sibling, the baby is going to need your love, etc". I'm trying not to think about it but i cant help it. I just needed a vent ladies sorry!!!
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Re: How to handle besides screaming in my car by myself??
You're H could look into Parental Alienation Syndrome and could have it worded in the CO that either household cannot say disparaging/degrading things about the other household.
You are donig the right thing by neuralizing the hate by telling her "that's how your mother feels" and both of you reassuring her that you both love her and reenforcing your household rules.
I would take the "I would rather live w/ you" statements and maybe some of the more outrageous things she says about what her mother says witha grain of salt. Many times children play both sides of the fence as a bonding method. The enemy of my enemy is my friend type thing. You have no idea what she is "reporting" to her mother about you and her father to gain approval from her mother.
I agree with sweetie, SOME of these things are probably not like they sound, especially since your SD is so young. Things don't always come out they way the mean. For example, SS (4) told us recently that his SD doesn't let him have anything to drink.
After asking SS a few more questions, it turned out ss wanted OJ and they didn't have any. lol
Exactly this! When I met my DH my SS was 5 and now he is almost 8 and we actually just got physical custody of him Jan 1. His mom kept telling him that his new brother was only his half brother, so he wasn't a "real" brother.
I would like to take a video of SS doing "this little piggy went to market" with his "half" brothers toes while I give him a bath and send it to his BM. There is no half brother relationship here, these boys are brothers
Kids start to figure things out on their own, and the things that her BM is telling her will actually alienate her from her own daughter and bring her closer to you. Kids want to feel safe, not be told someone they love is bad.
I'm confused. SD overheard her mom telling the grandma that she can be mean to the baby or BM told SD that she could be mean???
I find it hard to believe that two grown women were having a conversation in which they said SD could be mean to the baby.
I don't know, i would take it all with a pinch of salt.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, try to focus on that and do not let BM mar it for you.
I am totally going to be in your situation. My husband has 2 children and we recently moved back into the area (to be a bigger part of their life) and in January we found out we were pregnant. His ex doesn't like me and so I know that she will tell the children that the baby isn't really a brother/sister to them. To top it off we are starting up custody procedings to get them every other week instead of every other weekend. Let's be honest if we didn't mind the every other weekend we wouldn't have moved, but we want to be a bigger part of their lives and so I know she will flip when she gets the paperwork and to find out we are pregnant.
After 2.5 yrs I have come to realize that as long as we show the kids we love them and tell them that they need to ask their mom when it comes to questions about why they can't talk to their dad off speaker phone, or why their mom acts the way she acts. They think it should be fair and want to spend equal time with mom and dad. We just tell them that mommy has a different opinion, but this is what we believe or what we think. I have also realized to their mom as much as possible when she tells me I'm not a mom to the kids and if I want kids to have my own. I just take a deep breath and let it go. I can't help or really care about the way she feels, I just handle it on my end and I'm done with it.
Just keep doing what you are doing and it will all work out. It might not in the short term but keep thinking long term because the kids eventually see through everything.