Any advice?
Hi everyone!
I'm currently expecting my first and also in process of beginning a blended family. My SO is getting full/sole/physical custody of his son (Jayden 4yrs old) in April and he will be coming to live with us. I am not sure how Jayden will adjust to this new change and how I will adjust. I have never met Jayden as he lives with his mother in SC and we're in CA. I have talked to SO many times about this and I'm completely ok with it and I know I will soon be playing mommy of 2 and looking forward to it. But I'm afraid of loving my own more than Jayden...I'm not sure that's even possible as I love children, all children and I get really attached to them, but it's just one of my fears. My other fear is that Jayden won't like me, and what should he call me, and if we should tell him to call me ________ or just let him call me what he's most comfortable with?
Any advice from those of you who are not new to this would be greatly appreciated.
Re: Any advice?
Hello,
I am a SM to a 13 yo boy and I also have my own DS. Although my SS has never lived with us I have been in his life since he was a baby. I do love my DS more than my SS. I think it's normal and something that you shouldn't be afraid of. He has his own mom that loves him the way you'll love your own LO. Although, I hear many SMs on here say that they do love their SKs as much as their own so maybe you will.
I think you should have him call you by your name and if he on his own starts to call you something else then that's his choice. I don't think that he won't like you. He's really young and if you're good to him he'll end up loving you pretty fast and so will you.
I think once you live with a SK you become so much more involved with their life that you start feeling that they are your own and might love them the same as your own.
Your reasons for worrying show that you will be a good SM. As long as you are good to your SS you will be fine. Good luck.
Hi, I think my situation is more similar to yours than other SMs whose stepchildren do not live with them.
You're taking on a big role, and don't feel bad if you, DH, and your SS don't mesh immediately. It takes a lot of work to start parenting a child not your own and this will be DH's first time parenting, too, which will probably be even more difficult. I had an advantage going in - my DH was always the custodial parent. The biggest thing is to be patient with your husband, your stepson, and probably most importantly, yourself.
Don't worry about comparing your love for your SS and your LO. Just love your SS as much as you can and try to see the world from his eyes. As much anxiety or confusion you might be feeling now and after the move, his is going to be so much greater. Look at it as a journey you get to take together.
Are you reading parenting books? Have you and DH talked about how you're going to do mealtimes, bedtimes, discipline? I would have some talks now about your expectations before your SS arrives. I would also really encourage you to be lenient in your first few months with him. You and DH can have an idea of where you'd like to be with meals, bedtime, discipline, etc., but take time to get to know each other in the first few months, and don't rush to lay down rules on everything all at once. You'll all get there together. Don't be frustrated if things don't go as you had envisioned in the first year.
I would have SS call you by your name. We reached a point, about a year in, when SSs asked if they could call me "mom." I would never have asked or required it. My situation was different from yours in that they didn't have a relationship with their biomom when we met. Your SS may never want to call you mom, and that's fine. It won't change the job you're doing any, as it sounds like in all respects you will be his mom.
Stick around! Congrats on your LO!
I have a handful of things.
1) I highly suggest having some family counseling for you and DH now, to prepare for your SSs arrival. Being on the same page in regards to expectations (for all of the kids), consequences and punishments. If you have a set list of the expectation and subsequent consequence or punishment (ex not eating dinner = the consequence of going to bed w/out dessert or other meal and not cleaning room = punishment of taking away any toys left out for 2 days).
This will help your SS with the whole "Your not my mohter" stuff.
2) Have SS in therapy as soon as you get him. The move from one parent to another ALONE is a huge change for any child (moving is considered one of the biggest stressors in ADULTs...so its got ot be harder on a kid without the adult coping mechanisms).
But the odds are, he is MOVING to your house because his BM is not able to care for him. There WILL be residual issues regarding the BM's care or abandoment or even death. Deal with this now before it festers and becomes worse.
3) DO NOT HAVE HIM CALL YOU MOM. He is coming to you from a very hard MOMMY situation. Let him call you YOUR first name and then let Term of Endearment grow. I will give you, having full and complete custody, without a BM in sight, opens you to the Mom/Mommy/Mother moniker, let HIM lead that way.
And if he doesnt get there, do not take it personally. As long as he is respectful and/or loves you, your good.
4) The love you feel for your StepChildren is always situational. There is no ONE TRUE RESPONSE. I firmly believe that love itself is an easy emotion. But that the STRENGTH OF LOVE is dependent upon the STRENGHT OF THE RELATIONSHIP.
The more time you spend with your SK, the more special moments you do together (shopping for a special outfit for that first dance or going to ComCon together), the earlier on life you enter their lives, the stronger your bonds will be.
I loved my SS in the most general way when I first married DH. Now that he lives with us, my love for him has grown exponentially. But I have only had him for just under three years, with the first two years being hellacious. That did not create good bonding opps. But in the past 6 months, under a much calmer household, we have grown exceptionally close.
And while I cannot say that I love him AS much as my DD....its pretty darn close.
My Suggestion is that you NEVER TREAT your kids differently. As long as they have the same expectations, consequences and punishments, the same amount of one-on-one time with both of you (you and DH) and they receive the FAIR (no equal) sundries...you will be doing the best thing for them.
Amen! You gals give some good advice!
Good luck to you!