do the courts consider a stay-at-home stepmom more "fit" than a single working mom?

moonmama3

i am wondering if anyone has any knowledge of how the courts think about this topic, in regard to "the child's welfare." 

i'm 20 weeks pregnant.  i live in california and the father lives in new jersey.  we were in a long-distance relationship, but since i got pregnant he has freaked out, decided he wants nothing to do with this baby, and (at the same time) decided to get back together with his ex when i was 9 weeks along (i know, he's a real prize). they are now engaged, less than 3 months later.

he does not want to have to pay child support for our daughter and, when i finally said, you know what, i'm sorry but that's the law, started to threaten that if i try to get him to pay anything, he will file for sole custody, and take my baby away from me... across the country.  he is saying that because his fiance will be able to stay at home (because he will be supporting her) and i will have to work (because i am single), the court will consider them to be the more "fit" parents, and will say that it is better for my daughter's welfare to live with them instead of me.  basically it is a very thinly veiled threat not to file for child support by scaring the bejeezus out of a hormonal pregnant woman. 

and i'm trying not to be scared, after all, this seems ridiculous to me, especially that the court would consider him a fit parent after he abandoned me while pregnant, refuses to have anything to do with his daughter, won't even be there for her birth, and is fighting child support.

but at the same time, not knowing a lot about the family law system, it seems to me that IF the courts consider it a better living environment for a child to have a stay at home parent, he might be right? everything i've read about custody says they consider the welfare of the child first.

does anyone know how they calculate the welfare of the child in cases like this?  it seems to me that can't be right, or else every working mom would lose their children to stay at home stepmoms.  but i think most dads wouldn't be as vindictive as this one is, so maybe that's why we don't see it that often.

i'm going to consult with a family law attorney, but i can't get an appointment for a little bit and i was wondering if any of you had any real life experience with all this.

DarthNBJenni

It sounds like he's blowing a lot of steam up your arse. It takes a lot for court systems to take away custody from a mother.

BostonGayGal

DarthNBJenni:

It sounds like he's blowing a lot of steam up your arse. It takes a lot for court systems to take away custody from a mother.

Careful, not always true.  Parents have an equal right to parent the child.  In looking at the best interests of the child there are many factors and that one particular factor wouldn't decide the case.  Are you employed?  Do you have health insurance?  Do you have a plan for infant daycare, maternity leave, or savings so that you can stay home for the first couple months?

Even if you can't talk to a lawyer right away, go visit your probate and family court and ask the clerks/lawyers for the day (or whomever your state has in place to help) about how the court will balance the best interests of the child.

One solid part of your plan should be breast feeding if at all possible. 

Mrs.Keith2B

The courts take a lot into considerating, and the guidelines vary by state. Have you googled it for California? Here in Michigan there is an outline that breaks down each of the 12 guidelines and explains how the court determines the "best interest" of the child.

 

The courts will not punish you for being a working mother. If you can provide a loving, safe, healthy enviornment for your child, the fact you work isn't really relevant. In fact, if you have a good, stable, reliable job it can actually play into your favor since you'd have the resources to provide your child with the phyiscal things it would need. Your ex is making threats because he doesn't want to pay child support (which you already know). My best suggestion is to document every phone call, text message, email, etc. you have with him. Try to communicate via email since that's physical proof of what he is saying. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that custody is automatically granted to the mother if the parents aren't married -- he'd have to go above and beyond to prove that you're unfit to take your child away from you. Given that he lives on the other side of the country, I don't anticipate on that happening.

 

Good luck!

Mrs.Keith2B

BostonGayGal:

One solid part of your plan should be breast feeding if at all possible. 

This. I have a co-worker who has been fighting a losing battle to get more visitiaton with his son beecause his ex-wife is hell bent on BFing until the child is like 5 years old. Ok, that's exaggerating, but you get the idea.

pattismartcoshi

Do you really want to possibly have to send your child across the country for visits? Maybe you should tell him you were wrong, its not his child and just provide for your child on your own. Frankly, I think that sounds better than having to share an infant with someone you barely had a relationship with.

sweetie0228

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/47942015.aspx

 

Numbers 2,3,4 and 8 apply nicely here.

 

Hope that helps!

katwriter1969

Anything is possible depending on what kind of judge you end up with at your case. However, this sounds an awful like bluster on his part so you will not pursue CS. I'm going to implore you, however, not to let him make you feel so scared.

To whomever said to "drop it and act like you lied that the baby isn't really his" is wrong. Sorry, but he he got her pregnant and dumped her. It isn't about her or him, but about the baby. Courts consider each parent's part and ability to pay when it comes to CS.

Also, keep in mind that custody and CS are separate issues. He will MOST LIKELY end up having to pay some form of CS; this doesn't make him fit to parent, just fit to pay up. Document his threats carefully. No matter how much a man may cry about it, the states would rather take his money to give to you for your child than dig into their own coffers to raise your baby. I don't care how my BD reacts over having to pay CS, he's going to pay. The state will make sure he does.

Don't back down. If you do, you could find yourself struggling unnecessarily in the future and with less recourse than you have now. Not to say you couldn't win a later case, but why make your baby suffer with less if her father can pay now? 

katieisawesome

moonmama3:

i am wondering if anyone has any knowledge of how the courts think about this topic, in regard to "the child's welfare." 

i'm 20 weeks pregnant.  i live in california and the father lives in new jersey.  we were in a long-distance relationship, but since i got pregnant he has freaked out, decided he wants nothing to do with this baby, and (at the same time) decided to get back together with his ex when i was 9 weeks along (i know, he's a real prize). they are now engaged, less than 3 months later.

he does not want to have to pay child support for our daughter and, when i finally said, you know what, i'm sorry but that's the law, started to threaten that if i try to get him to pay anything, he will file for sole custody, and take my baby away from me... across the country.  he is saying that because his fiance will be able to stay at home (because he will be supporting her) and i will have to work (because i am single), the court will consider them to be the more "fit" parents, and will say that it is better for my daughter's welfare to live with them instead of me.  basically it is a very thinly veiled threat not to file for child support by scaring the bejeezus out of a hormonal pregnant woman. 

and i'm trying not to be scared, after all, this seems ridiculous to me, especially that the court would consider him a fit parent after he abandoned me while pregnant, refuses to have anything to do with his daughter, won't even be there for her birth, and is fighting child support.

but at the same time, not knowing a lot about the family law system, it seems to me that IF the courts consider it a better living environment for a child to have a stay at home parent, he might be right? everything i've read about custody says they consider the welfare of the child first.

does anyone know how they calculate the welfare of the child in cases like this?  it seems to me that can't be right, or else every working mom would lose their children to stay at home stepmoms.  but i think most dads wouldn't be as vindictive as this one is, so maybe that's why we don't see it that often.

i'm going to consult with a family law attorney, but i can't get an appointment for a little bit and i was wondering if any of you had any real life experience with all this.

 

First, take a deep breath.

Unless you are a drug addict, alcoholic, or otherwise a serious and confirmed danger to your child, no court in the US is going to take your baby from you once it is born and turn it over to the father.  It's just not going to happen.

 My ex-husband tried to use the argument that he had more time to take care of our daughter - the mediator and the judge gave him the "you've got to be kidding me" look and basically told him to go screw.  (We ended up being able to work out a shared custody arrangement, but that was my choice, not the court's.)

I repeat, no court is going to take your baby from you and give it to the father.  Not unless you make some very serious mistakes, and even THEN they often don't.

Hang in there, get a decent attorney, and don't let threats stress you out. Just keep track of everything he says to you - take notes, print out emails, copy  down text messages, and make sure your lawyer lets the court know that his motivation is to avoid paying child support and he has blatantly said as much.

He may, in the end, be able to avoid paying child support, but the chances of him ever getting custody of a child he couldn't even stick around to see born are so slim as to be non-existent.

Mommytobealone24

I would talk to an attorney and document everything. Since my BD and I aren't married i'll be granted automatic sole custody. When a child is born out of a marriage unless the BD signs the birth certificate saying hes the father at the delivery, paternity has to be proven.

I would file for Child Support through the Child Support enforcement. There is little to no cost and they are the ones who contact the father. My attorney has expressed that Child Support and custody are two different cases. At least here in Colorado. You could file for child support through child support enforecement and the BD would have to pay for attorney and go through courts to file for visitation. But it all varies state to state. I hope this helps.

I would just say have all your ducks in a row as far as savings, a good job, a place to stay, and lots of family support. Im doing that, documenting every little crazy things he texts, and have consulted with an attorney in regards to my case.

We are all here for you, i'll be going through the sames things here in a few months. My BD told me he was divorced and he was actually married. His wife is a stay at home mom as well. keep your head up and don't let him scare you. My BD told me the same things, among some other awful things. I know the ladies on this board suggested no contact with your BD unless through court intill baby comes if he can't be civl. You don't need that stress.

pattismartcoshi

I think you are getting terrible advice here. If there is no good reason for him not have visitation, then he will have it. Is that how you want to start a childs life?

xcjen06

Pretty sure he is blowing smoke up your butt. If he doesn't want to pay a little bit of CS each month then I am sure that he doesn't want to have the baby with him where he'd have to pay for a crib, diapers, food, clothes, toys and everything else you have to buyfor a baby.

katieisawesome

tifanico:

katieisawesome:

moonmama3:

i am wondering if anyone has any knowledge of how the courts think about this topic, in regard to "the child's welfare." 

i'm 20 weeks pregnant.  i live in california and the father lives in new jersey.  we were in a long-distance relationship, but since i got pregnant he has freaked out, decided he wants nothing to do with this baby, and (at the same time) decided to get back together with his ex when i was 9 weeks along (i know, he's a real prize). they are now engaged, less than 3 months later.

he does not want to have to pay child support for our daughter and, when i finally said, you know what, i'm sorry but that's the law, started to threaten that if i try to get him to pay anything, he will file for sole custody, and take my baby away from me... across the country.  he is saying that because his fiance will be able to stay at home (because he will be supporting her) and i will have to work (because i am single), the court will consider them to be the more "fit" parents, and will say that it is better for my daughter's welfare to live with them instead of me.  basically it is a very thinly veiled threat not to file for child support by scaring the bejeezus out of a hormonal pregnant woman. 

and i'm trying not to be scared, after all, this seems ridiculous to me, especially that the court would consider him a fit parent after he abandoned me while pregnant, refuses to have anything to do with his daughter, won't even be there for her birth, and is fighting child support.

but at the same time, not knowing a lot about the family law system, it seems to me that IF the courts consider it a better living environment for a child to have a stay at home parent, he might be right? everything i've read about custody says they consider the welfare of the child first.

does anyone know how they calculate the welfare of the child in cases like this?  it seems to me that can't be right, or else every working mom would lose their children to stay at home stepmoms.  but i think most dads wouldn't be as vindictive as this one is, so maybe that's why we don't see it that often.

i'm going to consult with a family law attorney, but i can't get an appointment for a little bit and i was wondering if any of you had any real life experience with all this.

I repeat, no court is going to take your baby from you and give it to the father.  Not unless you make some very serious mistakes, and even THEN they often don't.

Not true. It does happen. BD was granted 50% custody of my DD and I don?t even smoke!

 

This baby isn't even born yet.  It sounds like this couple was not ever married.  They don't live near each other.  The court is not going to take this baby away from its mother.  And 50% custody isn't an option if you don't life near each other.