I feel like I am broken: update (long)

GMR811

Hi girls. I changed my account so I am now posting under this one.  This is GLUCA.  I had my ET Saturday Feb 12th.  Positive HPT 7dp3dt and it's pretty much negative by this morning 10dpdt.  This is my 3rd cycle for baby #2 and my 3rd chemical.  At this point I just cannot feel like its the embryos.  It has to be me.

History:  4 IVF to get DS.  1st eSet 5dt was BFN.  2nd cancelled.  3rd chemical. 4th DS (1 6 cell Grade A and 1 7 cell Grade A).  Fast forward to number 2. Starting trying in Sept with a FET from DS.  We had two 6 cell grade A embies which did not loose any cells.  BFP but tests turned negative right before beta.  December was a fresh.  We again had two 6 cell Grade A embies.  Strong BFP's but beta was 55, stayed 55 48 hours later and then dropped.  This cycle we had 24 eggs, 14 embryos. By day 3 we had 11 embryos, transferred a 7 cell Grade A and an 8 cell Grade A (which we have never had) and have 3 frozen.  Got a BFP on 7dp3dt and today by 10dp3dt is almost negative.

WTF???  I blamed the embryos all the time saying they cannot be as good as they look.  We are dealing with severe MFI with a count less than 100,000 and morph and motility close to 0.  I blamed that.  BUT we have had good embryos and I keep getting pregnant for 5 seconds.  I do not know what to do with myself at this point.

I am so sad and so numb and so frustrated.  I thought after we nailed it with DS we had this down but now I feel like he will never get a sibling.  Any ladies with multiple chemicals, advice would be appreciated. I feel so lost.  I have a hard time getting off work so that adds a lot of stress with multiple cycles and now maybe tests.  I am going to call RE today and see if I can get a beta to document this chemical and talk to him about his thoughts.  I have always wanted 3 children and now I feel like that will never happen and every pregnancy is going to be a struggle. 

Mouseygail

Aw sweetie, I'm so so sorry!! It shouldn't be this hard on anyone . ((((hugs))))

krissyh21

I am sorry you are going through this (((hugs)))

kellyloveszach

I am so sorry. It just isn't fair.  

emmyloustu

I am so sorry. ((HUGS))) I hope you get some answers soon!

dana316

(((Hugs)))

What a tough thing to be going through.  I hope you find some answers soon!!

 

ShannonSky

I'm so sorry. I had one chemical and it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked. IF just blows. *hugs*

kme930

No experience, just (((hugs))). I'm so sorry. 

TheSkimmy

Hugs!!! I'm sorry.

tapgirl

I'm so sorry.  I really hope you are able to get some answers and make a plan to move forward.  (((hugs)))

BeccaLandes

That is a terrible feeling.  I really hope your RE can help you find some answers.

DavezWife

Ah, hon. this blows. I'm really sorry.

Well, I think I'm certainly the Queen of Chems around here, a title I would most happily not have, but here we are.  What are MY thoughts on WHY?

Depends on which day you ask, and how much time you have.

pick your poison:

1 - bunk eggs. I'm older, I fried my body when I was younger with tons of xrays (for scoliosis...docs say no, but I say that radation did not leave me unscathed) and b/c I ovulate late and weak unmedicated, you can't tell me I make great eggs on my own. Except that Ava of mine. She's a good egg ;-) (and then some)

2. bunk embies - we too make some fantastic looking embryos in the dish. Grade A "perfect" 8-10 cells+, transfers on day 5 and ones frozen on d6 did well. (kinda, lol)  Ironically, Davez has poor morph, measured long ago at 1%, but he knocked me up several times just doing TI/IUI  and the IVF's have been ICSI. Also, we did make one Tri13 baby in 2009. That's got to be more than a fluke.

3. my lining - I had the beta3 intergrin testing done last year, and I was "in phase" i.e. normal.  I've done SOOOOO many meds empirically like lovenox, extra p4, anti-b's, steroids....  I firmly believe that the BULK of my issues lie in the AUTO-IMMUNE category. And if I'm allowed to reall reach for straws, *I* think it's because I've developed "metallosis", an allergy to my titanium alloy rods in my back.  Still working on medically proven that hypothesis, but it sure fits for me.  Since I doubt you have rods in your spine, I would still chase the auto-immune thing, BUT be careful - IN MY OPINION, there's a lot of hooie surrounding it. Don't get caught up in spending $4K on tests, when all you do is treat the results with prednisone. My doc says "who cares what you have, let's just treat you for everything."  There's not too much I have not done, other than IVIG, which is insanely expensive, but I'm working on it.  You can look into lipids ("intralipids" is the phrase coined by SIRM, etc but all it is, is infusions of fat and aminos. They give it to malnourished folks. but since no one EVER cycles the same say each time, or if they do there's other changing factors, they can't prove that this works. But some swear by it.)

A combo of the above. Which is what I think I've delt with. I've lost 10 pregnancies, with what we think is 14 embryos. (presuming my IUI's were singetons) And I think about half were just "bunk" eggs/embies, and the other half was my body being raging pissed and not wanting visitors.  The furthest I made it (beside unmedicated Ava) was this latest, which we lost at 12 weeks for unknown reasons. (cardio issues) But I think that pregnancy was "successful" for me b/c it was a FET, my body was QUIET, and I enduced that silence with steroids.

I could babble on forever on this stuff, and will if you want. (email me) I have lots of links, and straws you can grasp at.  And I GET wanting to know.

but just remember that there are a 1000 planets that have to line up in order to get a successful pregnancy, and sometimes we're just a few planets off. KWIM?

(great article here explaining planet alignment, even if it IS from SIRM, lol)

Although I've said it before, we're NOT broken. Things are just off. Keep swimming and figure it out. We'll get there. Feck, I HOPE we'll get there!!!!

PhillySue

I am so sorry : ( It should not be this hard, IF just sucks.  ((BIG HUGS))

njdcgirl

I'm so sorry,  No real advice, but I noticed you did a 3dt, even w/ 11embroys. Jusy wopndering why they didn't push for a 5dt - at least then you could get a better idea of the embroys after a few more days.

Again, I'm so sorry about this latest loss.  I hope your RE has some good ideas for you.

GMR811

njdcgirl:

I'm so sorry,  No real advice, but I noticed you did a 3dt, even w/ 11embroys. Jusy wopndering why they didn't push for a 5dt - at least then you could get a better idea of the embroys after a few more days.

Again, I'm so sorry about this latest loss.  I hope your RE has some good ideas for you.

The only 5 day I ever did was the first.  I had 5 embies on day 5 but not great quality and none to freeze.  We transferred 1.  That was my only flat BFN cycle.  Since then I have gotten pregnant on every 3 day so the thought is that they do better in me.  It is a good point though.

GMR811

DavezWife:

Ah, hon. this blows. I'm really sorry.

Well, I think I'm certainly the Queen of Chems around here, a title I would most happily not have, but here we are.  What are MY thoughts on WHY?

Depends on which day you ask, and how much time you have.

pick your poison:

1 - bunk eggs. I'm older, I fried my body when I was younger with tons of xrays (for scoliosis...docs say no, but I say that radation did not leave me unscathed) and b/c I ovulate late and weak unmedicated, you can't tell me I make great eggs on my own. Except that Ava of mine. She's a good egg ;-) (and then some)

2. bunk embies - we too make some fantastic looking embryos in the dish. Grade A "perfect" 8-10 cells+, transfers on day 5 and ones frozen on d6 did well. (kinda, lol)  Ironically, Davez has poor morph, measured long ago at 1%, but he knocked me up several times just doing TI/IUI  and the IVF's have been ICSI. Also, we did make one Tri13 baby in 2009. That's got to be more than a fluke.

3. my lining - I had the beta3 intergrin testing done last year, and I was "in phase" i.e. normal.  I've done SOOOOO many meds empirically like lovenox, extra p4, anti-b's, steroids....  I firmly believe that the BULK of my issues lie in the AUTO-IMMUNE category. And if I'm allowed to reall reach for straws, *I* think it's because I've developed "metallosis", an allergy to my titanium alloy rods in my back.  Still working on medically proven that hypothesis, but it sure fits for me.  Since I doubt you have rods in your spine, I would still chase the auto-immune thing, BUT be careful - IN MY OPINION, there's a lot of hooie surrounding it. Don't get caught up in spending $4K on tests, when all you do is treat the results with prednisone. My doc says "who cares what you have, let's just treat you for everything."  There's not too much I have not done, other than IVIG, which is insanely expensive, but I'm working on it.  You can look into lipids ("intralipids" is the phrase coined by SIRM, etc but all it is, is infusions of fat and aminos. They give it to malnourished folks. but since no one EVER cycles the same say each time, or if they do there's other changing factors, they can't prove that this works. But some swear by it.)

A combo of the above. Which is what I think I've delt with. I've lost 10 pregnancies, with what we think is 14 embryos. (presuming my IUI's were singetons) And I think about half were just "bunk" eggs/embies, and the other half was my body being raging pissed and not wanting visitors.  The furthest I made it (beside unmedicated Ava) was this latest, which we lost at 12 weeks for unknown reasons. (cardio issues) But I think that pregnancy was "successful" for me b/c it was a FET, my body was QUIET, and I enduced that silence with steroids.

I could babble on forever on this stuff, and will if you want. (email me) I have lots of links, and straws you can grasp at.  And I GET wanting to know.

but just remember that there are a 1000 planets that have to line up in order to get a successful pregnancy, and sometimes we're just a few planets off. KWIM?

(great article here explaining planet alignment, even if it IS from SIRM, lol)

Although I've said it before, we're NOT broken. Things are just off. Keep swimming and figure it out. We'll get there. Feck, I HOPE we'll get there!!!!

Thanks Davez.  I appreciate your input and am sorry you have to have so much info on this kind of stuff. I am waiting for RE to call back to see what he has to say.  Last chemical he said he treats them just like BFN's but it sucks because you have hope.  I just cannot understand why these good looking embryos keep aborting themselves.  Maybe Luke is just a miracle and the right embie.  I have a feeling I am going to be told to keep trying until I land on that embryo but I just don't know how much more I can take.  They did a saline sonogram at the start of TTC#2 which was August and everything looked textbook as well as my bloodwork.  I respond well.  I am 29 and my egg quality has been good.  We have decent fert rates.  And every single transfer they tell me the embyros look great. I am just at a loss.

Part of me wants to be at one with the fact that we will just have to keep trying until we get the right one but with a demanding job with no coverage that's a lot of stress for days off.  Part of me feels like my body is always doing its job trying to get pregnant and aborting those abnormal ones.  I only had Luke 15 months ago so how much of a problem could I have developed since then that would be "killing" the embryos.  I am just confused. 

You gave me a lot to think about and I am hoping my RE will shed some advice.  I don't know if we need to do PGD.  I guess if we do and a good amount come back normal and still don't implant maybe it is me??  I have to do a FET first because insurance makes you use frozen first.  I have 3 frozen. I am sure I will  have another chemical so then I guess we move on after that to figure this out. 

Thanks again and thank you ladies for your support.