advice: MIL does CIO and I DON'T want her to!

kjohn091

my MIL watches my LO in the evenings from around 5-11pm 3 days a week while my DH and I are working. ( I work night shift 7p-7a) I do not do CIO and my DH and I both feel strongly about that, but his mom does and did with her kids as well as the 1st grandchild who is now 2.  I asked DH to explain to his mom that we were not doing that with our LO and to ask if she could follow that when she has her...HE SAID that she is is going to do what she wants when she has her, and that he wont even bring it up to her- that she would get offended if he did?

I have expressed my opinion with this matter just in conversation when MIL says " oh just let her cry, shell get tired eventaully and fall asleep" to which I respond " No, i dont want her to cry alone in there I dont want her to feel scared or alone" I go in and rub her belly/head till she settles back down. I dont really know what to do- I appreciate the babbysitting help tremendously, but i dont want to be at work worrying she is crying her eyes out alone in a crib .

BC&MM

She would not be baysitting for me anymore. Plan and simple.

MrsFv20

you need to find a babysitter that is willing to respect and follow your parenting style and rules.

kcl22

I don't know if it's financially feasible for you but I would REALLY want to find new childcare.  That would break my heart.  And I'd kick my H in the junk.

Maybe if you go over your reasoning and explain how important it is to her you can come to an agreement.  As in sit down and have a specific conversation about it, not just in passing.  She's your daughter, you get to dictate how she is cared for.  Your H should really be backing you up.

I'm sorry, it sounds like a sucky situation

mocklerja

I agree.  If MIL will not follow your parenting style and respect your wishes, you need to find someone else. 

Bailey81

If you can't be open and honest about your expectations with your child's caregiver AND have him or her do as you say, you need a new caregiver. 

kimmyt09

If she's not respecting you, you may need to look elsewhere for childcare. She needs to understand you're the parent and make the final decisions, end of story. And if your husband isn't going to say anything, you need to make things very clear with her. 

Soter1

I would  print out a lot of overly dramatic articles why CIO is bad, especially before 6 months to get the point accross!!! That is NOT ok, specially with a 4 mos old!

When DS1 was older, like 16mos, we had the opposite problem, lol.  My mom would ruin any sleep training we did and we'd be starting over again because she can't let him cry for 15 seconds. 

MrsFv20

also I think people who don't stand up for themselves and for their LOs because they are afraid of offending someone who is blatantly undermining you as a parent are kind of spineless and they need to get their priorities straight. It would be one thing if it was an honest mistake and she promised not to do it again, but she is arguing with you and saying that her way of parenting is better than yours and that she's not going to even consider your way of parenting. Your DH is the one that should be offended in all of this...tell him to stand up for himself as a father.

cherie82

Would you believe her if she said that she would stop?  She's probably going to do what she wants to regardless, just because you're not there.  I think the only way to know for sure would be to stop taking your LO there.

kjohn091

thanks for the words of wisdom. I know she doesn't really let her cry but for 5 mins or so right now, but I saw what her and my SIL did with my neice- letting her cry 20mins when she got to be around 8 months, so I think i am overly worried at this point. I know she wants the best for my LO, and has respected my wishes when i explained why I ma not doing rice cereal or any solids until 6 mo.( which is also something she wanted to do), so i am hoping if I sit down and explain reasoning & research about why CIO is not for us she will respect it.  I just dont want to offend her- I think a moms choice is their choice on what is best for their baby- but for US i think CIO is not best. there has only been 1 incident that brought this all up, but if our sit down doesnt go well I will definitly find new child care. My LO is my number 1 priority ALWAYS. but my MIL and i have a good relationship, so I think i just need to do some education and she will understand. fingers crossed.

 

hodgie

kjohn091:

thanks for the words of wisdom. I know she doesn't really let her cry but for 5 mins or so right now, but I saw what her and my SIL did with my neice- letting her cry 20mins when she got to be around 8 months, so I think i am overly worried at this point. I know she wants the best for my LO, and has respected my wishes when i explained why I ma not doing rice cereal or any solids until 6 mo.( which is also something she wanted to do), so i am hoping if I sit down and explain reasoning & research about why CIO is not for us she will respect it.  I just dont want to offend her- I think a moms choice is their choice on what is best for their baby- but for US i think CIO is not best. there has only been 1 incident that brought this all up, but if our sit down doesnt go well I will definitly find new child care. My LO is my number 1 priority ALWAYS. but my MIL and i have a good relationship, so I think i just need to do some education and she will understand. fingers crossed.

 

I think the answer is exactly what you've said here.  If you make your expectations clear (and even provide some reasons why those are your expectations) and she still doesn't respect them, it's time to find someone else.  That doesn't mean it's an easy position to be in.  I don't think you are spineless...this is your MIL and it's just not as straight forward as it would be with a non-family member.  I had a similar situation with my MIL.  I found out that when she was watching DS#1 (when he was around 18 months old) she was putting him into his stroller so that SHE could take a nap.  I was mortified.  I talked to DS but he was worried that it would hurt her feelings to say anything.  I was a little worried that I was being petty since she was providing free childcare.  But, I was just horrified picturing my awake little boy just sitting in his stroller while she slept away.  So, when DH didn't say anything, I did.  I said it nicely but firmly and she said she understood and wouldn't do it again.  And she didn't.  I don't think she thought it was a big deal.  But I thought it was a really big deal, I'm his mother, and that's all that matters.   I know this makes her sound awful, but she really is good with the boys and they adore her.  Sorry so long...

kjohn091

hodgie:

kjohn091:

thanks for the words of wisdom. I know she doesn't really let her cry but for 5 mins or so right now, but I saw what her and my SIL did with my neice- letting her cry 20mins when she got to be around 8 months, so I think i am overly worried at this point. I know she wants the best for my LO, and has respected my wishes when i explained why I ma not doing rice cereal or any solids until 6 mo.( which is also something she wanted to do), so i am hoping if I sit down and explain reasoning & research about why CIO is not for us she will respect it.  I just dont want to offend her- I think a moms choice is their choice on what is best for their baby- but for US i think CIO is not best. there has only been 1 incident that brought this all up, but if our sit down doesnt go well I will definitly find new child care. My LO is my number 1 priority ALWAYS. but my MIL and i have a good relationship, so I think i just need to do some education and she will understand. fingers crossed.

 

I think the answer is exactly what you've said here.  If you make your expectations clear (and even provide some reasons why those are your expectations) and she still doesn't respect them, it's time to find someone else.  That doesn't mean it's an easy position to be in.  I don't think you are spineless...this is your MIL and it's just not as straight forward as it would be with a non-family member.  I had a similar situation with my MIL.  I found out that when she was watching DS#1 (when he was around 18 months old) she was putting him into his stroller so that SHE could take a nap.  I was mortified.  I talked to DS but he was worried that it would hurt her feelings to say anything.  I was a little worried that I was being petty since she was providing free childcare.  But, I was just horrified picturing my awake little boy just sitting in his stroller while she slept away.  So, when DH didn't say anything, I did.  I said it nicely but firmly and she said she understood and wouldn't do it again.  And she didn't.  I don't think she thought it was a big deal.  But I thought it was a really big deal, I'm his mother, and that's all that matters.   I know this makes her sound awful, but she really is good with the boys and they adore her.  Sorry so long...

Thanks! This made me feel better I thought the spineless comment was a little harsh! Everything is not so black & white , especially with family. I was starting to feel like some horrible mother or something for wanting to keep my daughter with her grandma. Thanks again for your post. Hoping the CIO convo goes smoothly!

hopkins5

My baby = my rules. I'd go talk to her myself and if she's not willing to do what you ask, you go find someone new ASAP.

TAMLVSCARL

cherie82:

Would you believe her if she said that she would stop?  She's probably going to do what she wants to regardless, just because you're not there.  I think the only way to know for sure would be to stop taking your LO there.

 I was gonna say this exact thing. Sorry but I wouldn't let her take care of my baby even if she said she would follow my wishes. In my opinion, she would just be saying it to shut you up. She obv isn't going to change her opinion on it after at least 30 years of doing it that way (with her own kids & now grandkids). I could never be at work & think of my DS crying his eyes out.

MrsFv20

okay, to clarify, I meant people that aren't willing to talk to their parents are spineless. I didn't necessarily mean that you guys were. But I do think that people in general whose caregivers are disrespectful towards their parenting rules and they never say anything bc they are too afraid of offending someone are spineless. The fact that you're planning to talk with your MIL shows that you aren't included in that group.

MSC03

Either you or your DH needs to grow a pair and address this with your MIL directly. You cannot swap her dictate your parenting in return for free babysitting.  This is your child--make your wishes known and if she's on board, great. If not, find a sitter who will respect what you want.

MSC03

Either you or your DH needs to grow a pair and address this with your MIL directly. You cannot swap her dictating your parenting in return for free babysitting.  This is your child--make your wishes known and if she's on board, great. If not, find a sitter who will respect what you want.

kjohn091

I am not scared to talk to my mil I was just looking for advice on how to best discuss my wishes with her. Like I said, we have a good relationship- I've been with her son since I was 15, lived with her for 2 years- so believe me we have had our share of confrontations. I just don't want her to think. That I think she's a bad parent/grandparent bevausse I choose didderby parenting decisions. So I will he sitting down with her to discuss our parenting choices and I know that she will be truthful with her reaponces as to whether she will respect my wishes. Just trying to avoid hurting anyone that's all

SnoopyLuv

MrsFv20:

also I think people who don't stand up for themselves and for their LOs because they are afraid of offending someone who is blatantly undermining you as a parent are kind of spineless and they need to get their priorities straight. It would be one thing if it was an honest mistake and she promised not to do it again, but she is arguing with you and saying that her way of parenting is better than yours and that she's not going to even consider your way of parenting. Your DH is the one that should be offended in all of this...tell him to stand up for himself as a father.

I couldn't have typed it better myself! Also could you trust that after you had the convo with her about not CIO that she'd listen? I know my mother is a hard headed one and would just "Yes" me to get me to shutup.

OP, I am trying to find some articles on how CIO is bad for babies so maybe you can give those to her if you cannot find alternate child care. Even if it's from a propaganda website I think if she reads the words on the page that babies feel ABANDONED when they CIO that may change her mind. I'll find something and respond.

SnoopyLuv

Here's a good one from good ol' Dr. Sears:

https://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

 The second page of this summarizes it pretty well:

https://www.associatedcontent.com/article/19237/a_factbased_case_against_letting_your_pg2.html?cat=25

 

Good luck OP!

MJHershey

We had to pummel MIL over the head with this because it's how they did it and she knows everything so we should do everything she says (even though she had one kid 30 years ago and forgets that Alex is not the perfect child DH apparently was). Finally DH yelled at her after her suggesting it for the umpteenth time, because not only is it not something we want to do... it does not work for LO, he just gets angrier. 

She finally got the hint but I still don't want them watching him overnight.

kjohn091

Thank you!