How do you support your husband when he's struggling?

itsmevkb

My husband has spent the last ten years getting his master's and now his PhD.  He should defend his dissertation this summer.  The road has been a long one but we both thought it was worth it because it would mean him getting a teaching job like he really wants.

However, job prospects at this point are very, very slim.  He's applied for quite a few jobs all over the country with nothing coming of any of them.  Right now he's teaching at a local university and they asked him to stay on for next year (a semester by semester contract, not a permanent job) but now with all the changes happening in our state their budget may be cut and they've told him they can no longer guarantee him a position.  He currently also works part-time at a radio station but has been told that he should expect to be laid off in about a month or so.

So, he's losing his part-time job and may not have a teaching job for the fall.  He's disheartened to have spent so much time (and money) pursuing a career path that doesn't seem to be working out.  I'll admit, I'm worried about how we'll afford to live next year if he's not working but at the same time I don't feel as though there is a whole lot I can do about it and so I choose to believe that it will work itself out somehow.  That doesn't seem to comfort him.

How do you let your husband know that you support him even though there isn't anything you can do to help him?

Oh, and how do you support him while worrying about your financial future and wishing he'd just go get a job at the McDonald's until something better comes along?

readyin07

I am sorry he is struggling It is hard. I have gone through something similar with my DH. After shelling out a nice portion of savings for grad school (MBA), DH actually got a promotion at work (small business, very rare). The promotion did not really work out in a lot of ways. The pay increase was small, but he was working insane hours and the new responsibilities were really not his thing. He was stressed and started making dumb mistakes that got noticed.

All that I could do was listen to him vent. Our situation was a little bit different, but I tried to let him work the hours he needed to work without nagging him about coming home or telling him how much DS and I missed him. I exempted him from most household duties so he could focus on work. It's hard, DH has invested a lot into his career and being good at his job and it has been a huge morale issue for him. His job is never going to pay off financially; it's just something we're going to have to deal with.

What field is he in? Does it translate at all into the private sector? I will state the obvious, but I assume he has looked into community colleges and the local high school systems (esp private schools)? I know it is not what he wants, but I know I had a few hs teachers who were Phds and for various reasons had opted out of the tenure track.

howleyshell

1.  Sex

2.  Physical activity - I ask him to go on walks, hikes, etc with me/us

3.  Listen

4.  Ask what he needs directly instead of assuming that I know.

5.  Set a schedule for myself.  I allow myself to bring up something that's bothering him only once a week or so.  I have every right to feel like he's aware and working on a plan when something that big impacts us both but I also know that discussing it daily is a BIG mistake with him (unless he's bringing it up)

6.  Bite my tongue a lot.  I don't have his answers or if I do it does no good to give them to him.  If I think I see a solution I need to help HIM discover it for himself (usually by asking him questions that point him in the right direction).  He doesn't do well with me outright trying to solve issues that he perceives as his responsibility. 

 

Tough stuff.  I'm sorry you're going thru it.  DH and I went thru almost 2 years of unemployment and thinking his industry had disappeared.  The "what am I going to do with my life now that I can't be what I thought I was" conundrum is a heavy one - especially for men. 

ladychicago

I am sorry...that is SO hard! And when the struggle is a husband/father and worries over job and income, it can be a really sensitive thing to discuss. With my DH, I need to give him space. I know he is completely consumed and constantly thinking about it, so there is no need for me to bring it up, offer suggestions without prompting, or nag him in anyway. Which is HARD for me! I would probably do whatever I could to spend less/save more without drawing attention to it, though. Good luck!!!!!

ladychicago

howleyshell:

1.  Sex

2.  Physical activity - I ask him to go on walks, hikes, etc with me/us

3.  Listen

4.  Ask what he needs directly instead of assuming that I know.

5.  Set a schedule for myself.  I allow myself to bring up something that's bothering him only once a week or so.  I have every right to feel like he's aware and working on a plan when something that big impacts us both but I also know that discussing it daily is a BIG mistake with him (unless he's bringing it up)

6.  Bite my tongue a lot.  I don't have his answers or if I do it does no good to give them to him.  If I think I see a solution I need to help HIM discover it for himself (usually by asking him questions that point him in the right direction).  He doesn't do well with me outright trying to solve issues that he perceives as his responsibility. 

 

Tough stuff.  I'm sorry you're going thru it.  DH and I went thru almost 2 years of unemployment and thinking his industry had disappeared.  The "what am I going to do with my life now that I can't be what I thought I was" conundrum is a heavy one - especially for men. 

I totally agree with this, too! Especially the sex and physical activity.

roaringrock

I'm so sorry to read this. I just went through something similar. I spent the last decade being nothing but supportive to dh while he went through 9 years of medical training. with all the sacrifices and challenges (emotionally and financially) I hit rock bottom in our relationship -- completely sucked dry. with all the hard training behind him he was then slapped with a crappy job market. again, I was in the position to be the cheerleader and supportive wife.

it's a terrible position to be in and I wish you guys all the best. I think, like everybody else, you need to sit tight and ride out this job market (that's what people tell me.) "no storm lasts forever." keep the communication open and make sure you take care of yourself too. my dh ended up taking a "less than" desirable job just because he had no choice. it's temporary. hopefully your dh can find something (anything) while he waits for his ideal opportunity to come along. someday (maybe not next week) it will come along.

Cassian

I'm so sorry you are facing a tough situation. Its so hard when the future is hanging in the balance like that.

When DH is struggling, I

1. Give him lots of sex

2. Make him nice dinners

3. Be there if he wants to talk, but never force the issue.

3. Do little and big things to let him know (or at least think) I am not stressed about the situation, even if I am. He doesn't need to have that added pressure.

4. If I am stressed, not blame him or take it out on him, but demonstrate confidence.

And lastly, when something has DH shaken or if he is struggling with something, I do whatever I can to show him that our marriage/love/life is strong as a rock, that  that is the 1 thing he doesn't have to worry about.

chocolatechip06

My husband is defending his PhD tomorrow (eeek!).  For the past 8 years that I known him he has been a masters/PhD student.  It is very hard.  He has a post-doc position lined up but we were in the same situation this past summer.  His original post-doc fell through 3 weeks before we were moving home from Boston due to lack of funding.  He had to scramble to find a job (and I was on maternity leave/my job was ending).

You have to find someone to vent to/you freak out a bit (hopefully not too much with him) and you worry also-I am still worried-even with a post-doc it does not guarantee a job at the university when he is done.

 And you tell him that you support him and love him (even though you are secretly or not so secretly freaking out at the same time)

 

sliz

Hi - my dh is a professor and went through something really similar a few months ago - our marriage was suffering after dd was born because he was working so hard - pm me and I will send you my email and we can talk offline (I just don't want dh's business out in cyberspace) - I will say our marriage has been better once we made some hard choices - we had to focus on the positive and the good thing we did have and the ways we were lucky - I helped as much as I could with dh's work stuff and tried to do the lions share of housework/childcare on my own - it is also a lot of moral support and remembering that we are smart/resourceful and we can make it work. But we feel your dh's pain - we both have phds (in science/engineering no less) and will never make it in this economy

itsmevkb

Thanks so much ladies!

I agree that sex is a great response and that is one area we're not doing well in.  I'm pregnant and because of my past losses we're both just super hesitant to have sex.  We tried goofing around on Valentine's day which ended up just being super comical since it ended in me running to the bathroom with a huge bout of morning sickness.  I know, TMI.

Anyway, I just struggle with trying to make him feel better about himself.  He's a great husband and an even better father but I know he feels guilty for not contributing as much to our income as I do.  I don't have issues with being the breadwinner, I work and enjoy working, but at the same time we need him to have some kind of an income.  He feels after all his hard work that he deserves his dream job and although I agree, we all know that we don't always get what we deserve.  Sometimes you have to settle and hope your dream comes along later.

sliz

Everyone who works to get their phd should get their dream job - sadly very few actually and even fewer end up with the holy grail of academic tenure - it sucks but it is the way it is and they don't tell you that going in