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Success after IF
howleyshell
member
I need help ladies. Pregnant ladies do NOT READ THIS.
howleyshell
member
I'm stunned.
Shocked.
I just learned that my neighbor died giving birth.
I don't know any of the details.
We're not terribly close to them.
My mind is racing and my heart hurts.
I have NO idea what or how to help.
This was her 2nd child but his first.
What is the appropriate thing to do in this situation?
There were a lot of cars at their house the other day and we figured she'd had the baby and had friends and family over. I had NO idea they were all gathering there for her funeral.
What do I do? What do I say?
Do you just take over a pot roast and a sympathy card?
Do you wait until some of the traffic dies down? There are cars there 24/7 right now.
Ugh.
I'm sick about this.
I mean... you know this kind of thing happens but it's SO rare these days. I feel so shocked by this and I can NOT imagine what her DH is going thru.
Someone tell me the right thing to do. I can't think straight.
Our IF journey: 1 m/c, 1 IVF with only 3 eggs retrieved yielding Dylan and a lost twin, 1 shocker unmedicated BFP resulting in Jace, 3 more unmedicated pregnancies ending in more losses.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I need help ladies. Pregnant ladies do NOT READ THIS.
Oh my, that is horrible.
I think you just need to do what feels right to you. I think bringing over a meal and a card is appropriate. Maybe you should bring over something that can be frozen just in case they are receiving tons of food from others. If it feels right to you to do something else, then do it.
There are no right or wrong ways to act. Well...there are wrong ways to act, but I've read enough of your posts to know that you wouldn't do any of those things.
Oh Howley, I am sick for you. Does he need help with her first child? Like care? I would def. make a meal, but maybe wait a bit for things to slow. Also, maybe ask what you can do. Go over, introduce yourself to a relative there, and ask.
My heart broke reading this. How absolutely devastating. And rare, and sad.
My friend, Jewelyn, died giving birth a year and a half ago. I called Matt Logelin and he helped me with ways to help her husband. We basically had someone over at his house with food, baby supplies, and basically just to be there whenever, to help him care for the baby. I also organized a memorial fund as well as a formula check and diaper coupon collection. I think he ended up with 1,000 Enfamil checks thanks to generous people on the bump.
One thing I remember Matt telling me was not to ask how he needed help. Just do things. Just show up with food. Just show up with diapers or formula. etc.
You can also look into finding some donated BM if he is comfortable with that.
I am so sorry.
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
uuuugh. man the world is cruel sometimes. ;-(
I would bring food over in a couple weeks, when the dust settles. In a labeled container that does not have to be returned. (small and compact too, their freezer might be full) Or a bunch of sides, that he can add to a main course.
If you think he might benefit from some financial help, or people want a place to donate to in her memory, The Liz Logelin Foundation is an amazing thing set up by a young windower that also lost his wife the day after their baby was born.
So sad. sorry for the whole family.
now my stomach hurts. what a horrible HORRIBLE tragedy.
I would wait until things slow down a bit. from my experience (parent's deaths) after everyone leaves, that's the hardest time. bring over a nice meal in a few weeks or so but send a card now. so sad.
2 infertiles' journey to 2 pink lines (and a baby girl)
"our IF story"
Amber
TTC since March '06
MFI, LPD, possible PCOS
3 chem pgs * m/c identical twins at 9w 10.06
IVF w/ICSI #2 - beta - 187! (9dp5dt), beta - 367! (11dp5dt)
IVF w/ICSI #3 - it's a girl!
My IF Blog: Between the Lines
My Parenting Blog: Letters From Your Mama
I can't get on my blog from work, but there are probably more details of what we did for Philip in there. Check back in September and October of 2009.
ETA dishbaby @ blogspot
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
I would bring over something that is uncooked and put the directions on it to bake or be frozen and bake at a later date. This is so sad! Is the baby O.K?
There's a post on my local board seeking donated BM for a baby girl whose mom died giving birth. I suspect that it may be her but I can't be sure until I find out what they named the daughter.
Thanks for your ideas girls.
I have NO idea how I'm going to look him in the face without falling apart.
A neighbor that I'm closer to who lives next door to them is going over tonight. I'm going to wait for a report from her and then figure out when and what to do.
The woman has (had) a son who's about 8. He splits his time between his mom's house and his dad's house. The only thing that hurts more than thinking about her husband is thinking about this little boy.
I spend time being grateful that I was able to have my kids. I don't often stop to be grateful that my kids are able to have me and DH. Today I'm grateful for both.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Also, and this is good for down the road, but if you know a photographer friend, I know Philip has appreciated having some of my other friends take monthly pictures of Gabrielle. He is always so proud when posting them on FB. I know he treasures those.
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
I gasped when I read this. I'm in shock. My heart hurts and I don't even know them.
I don't have much experience with death, but I think something they can freeze and a sympathy card would be appreciated.
I can't even imagine what her friends and family, especially her husband, must be going through right now. This is supposed to be a happy time...
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
I don't know yet. My friend who lives next door to the family sent me a short 2 sentence e-mail this morning. They just got back from vacation yesterday and learned about it once home and running into people going in and out of the house.
I think she was so stunned that she forgot to ask.
I hope to know more this evening after the neighbor I'm close to goes over.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
DH's grandma died giving birth to identical twin girls so of course his family was EXTRA nervous finding out I was having identical twin girls. And then 28 yrs later, one of the twins was hit by a drunk driver and killed. :-( So very sad. My MIL never talks about it and the twin who is still living never fully recovered.
I would send flowers and maybe just a small card saying how sorry you are - and then maybe once traffic dies down, I would bring over something they can stick in their freezer for a meal when they feel like eating.
So horrible.
Digging up old stuff:
https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/23181710.aspx
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
This is SUCH a great idea and so much the kind of thing a dad in mourning isn't going to think to do.
I appreciate all of the ideas.
I'm not close enough to this family to do some of this stuff but all of your ideas can and will be passed along to those that this man trusts and knows well so they can be acted on if possible.
I don't even know if either of them have family close by who can help.
Dang... I need to work harder at being a better neighbor.
I should know this kind of stuff.
They live 3 houses down and across the street from me.
They were just in my home 2 months ago bidding a roofing job for us (his business) and she and I were talking about how the older boy will be adjusting with the new baby since DH and I had been down that road all ready.
Why didn't I ask something as obvious as what kind of family might be coming or around to help out when the baby arrived?
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Diagnosed PCOS & MFI-Success with IUI
Oh my goodness...ugh, I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach after reading this. Please let us know, whenever you find out what happened. I think I would send a card in the mail for now. If you're not close, that seems appropriate.
LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
Life is beautiful!
How heartbreaking for them.
I can't imagine how awful this must be for her husband to be taking care of a newborn and dealing with this grief.
I think a meal that can go into the freezer would be good and a card. Also maybe later on down the road, another meal for them. The support people get right at first is great, but when the dust settles, it's great to have those same acts of kindness.
OMG, how awful. I agree with everyone else. Food, diapers, maybe a visit from your DH would be helpful? Would he do that?
Funny you should mention this since DH raised our oldest (almost 16) on his own from age 6 months to 3 years.
I'll bet this neighbor doesn't know many single dads and certainly not many that raised a small child on his own.
He (neighbor) doesn't strike me as the type that would be comfortable with that kind of visit outright but as the weather gets warmer and we're all out and about on our street more (cul-de-sac where we're all often out front with all the kids playing) I'll encourage DH to approach him more casually and try to support him as only another single dad to a young child probably can.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Sorry, I ready anyway. Goodness, that is so tragic. I am sure there is a relative who has "taken charge." I would certainly head over when some of the traffic subsides to ask when a good day would be to bring over breakfast/lunch/dinner.
ETA: echoing RR - a card now is a great idea, and food/tangible stuff later is perfect. It's true that the first few weeks cause an huge outpouring that eventually... dries up. Being there then would be wonderful.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
I'm so sorry you read this.
It's SOO incredibly rare that something like this happens.
I hope it wasn't too upsetting for you to read.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
No, no - personally, I don't think things like this should be more upsetting to pregnant women but I'm a jerk that way. Stillbirth happens. Miscarriage happens. Death in childbirth happens. They are rare and tragic, but burying our heads in the sand doesn't make them go away. We should be grateful for our positive outcomes, and grateful that we have medical intervention that makes these things such a rarity. don't feel bad at all.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
Oh how horrible.
I think waiting a little for less "traffic" and bring food for them. Maybe even stuff for the baby. Is the first child close in age with your kids? Maybe they can play with your kids?
I don't know...so so tragic.
I
Because we're fancy like that.
Nope. He is close in age to the next door neighbor's boy though.
His bio-dad lives walking distance away from us/them. (Interesting divorce situation). I'm sooo distressed thinking that this little boy may not be around his step-dad and new half sister much now. I know he was pretty excited about being a big brother finally.
He'd be welcome over here but I doubt he'd want to come.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
I agree with waiting until the warmer weather and then having DH approach him casually. Like bring over a couple of beer and sit on the step kind of thing? I know my DH would be hesitant too, but I can be persuasive:) LOL
So, terrible I am so sorry for this family and you as well.
I know when my mother passes, I really need someone a few weeks after the funeral and all of our family and friends left and went back to there "own lives.." It's almost like those first few days after the funeral/wake/shiva..ect, there are so many people around..constantly asking what they can do for you, how they can help. But honestly at that time I was so numb and in a trans that I couldn't/didn't want help then. It was almost a month later or when I REALLY needed someone and I was ready to talk. This was just my experience though...
Again, I am truly so sorry..
Having many health issues myself I can say this is the best thing to do. It feels weird when people ask you what you need because you don't want to ask for help from strangers. When people just brought over food, formula, etc. it was soooo nice and helpful and I didn't feel guilty.
I am so sorry you're neighbor is going through this.