Weird Baby Shower invite...SAIF WWYD?? Kind of long

AlissaCell701

So, I got the strangest baby shower invite today and I need some help figuring out what the etiquette   is here.  Let me start of with a little bit of background on this girl. She is the wife of one of DH's coworkers. When we first moved to Fla she was the only girl I knew. We spent some time together, dinners, hung out at events at the staduim ect. We went out a few times as couples but in the last year or so she has become kind of weird and SUPER NEGATIVE about everything.  Honeslty, she just isn't that fun to be around and don't even get me started on how she disciplins her older son.  It's really terrible..

Anyway, this girl was also the one who gave me the info and referral to our IVF doctor. Who we love and wouldn't have Jake with out. She did several rounds of IUI to concieve her older child and She is currently pg with her second child (a girl) without treatments.  

I probably havn't hung out with this girl since last summer. I did see her at DH's company XMass party. We only talked briefly cause she was complaining about being pg, how tired she was and yada, yada, yada. I really didn't want to here it. Then she finally asked about how Jake was (after about 10 mins) of talking about her. I just said fine and then exused myself from the conversation and didn't talk to her for the rest of the night.

Today, I go and check my mail and in it is an invitation to her Baby Shower! IShe has a registry (again second child) and at the bottom of the invitation is says "1 Pack of Diapers for Entry.."..I litterly almost dropped dead!  Is this the most TACKY thing ever or is it just me??!! I just went on and checked her BRU registlry and it's all super girly/princess stuff, like sheets, towels, room decor, No storllers, cribs, anything like that. I know for a fact that she has all of that stuff from her son cause she showed it to me, but still!!...Ohh and did I mention I think she filled out the invites...UGH

SO, SAIF WHat do I do??...I REALLY DON"T want to go to this shower,  I know I have to send her a gift..that would be rude not too RIGHT??..But do I have to attend?? And if I do go do I REALLY have to bring diapers, seriously?? HELP!!

sommerrayne

I wouldn't go.

That said:

A) You don't _HAVE_ to give anything. You feel obligated to but you don't HAVE to do anything.

If you feel like you're in a position where you'd feel out of place if you didn't send something, send a gift card in a card for ~10 bucks to BRU or Target (as much as a pack of diapers would cost). There is no way I'd send more than that. This is a 2nd baby shower, you don't even like this chick, and she clearly isn't invested in you or your family or (most importantly) a relationship with YOU but yet expects you to show up with a pack of diapers + gift.....

SUPER SUPER TACKY!

jds0521

Umm, I don't think it would be rude to not go & not send a gift. It's not like you guys are good or even sorta friends. I don't always send gifts to people's showers I get invited to, but don't attend (specifically if we aren't that close).  You used to be better friends, but you aren't anymore, so I honestly don't think it's rude. SHE's really rude and MAJORLY tacky to request that people bring diapers "for entry", it's like wtf? Is this a club/bar? Is there really a cover charge (b/c we all know, diapers are not cheap). I say if you feel like you need to send a gift, make it something small, under $30 & send your congrats just to be nice.

JustaKidAtHeart

In my area and my circle (family and friends) second showers and diaper raffles are the norm.  So while I really wouldnt be bothered by getting an invite with that info i would be bothered by getting an invite to something when I havent seen the person or hung with them in forever.

 

ETA: And this is totally just my opinion

Diaper  raffle= not tack, It is a choice to participate.

Diapers in order to get into the shower= tacky

 

chocolatechip06

If I don't go to a wedding or baby shower I don't send a present (aside from the wedding shower for my former bridesmaid).  I just buy a gift for their wedding/after baby arrives.

I especially would not feel obligated to go to the shower or send a present.

SparklyCutie

I would simply decline. I was invited to DH's friends wife's shower, right after my M/C and I really did not feel up to going. So i declined. I did not send a gift, but have intentions of just getting them a cute little outfit when the baby arrives at the end of the month. Maybe you can just do something like that, just get them a little something when the baby arrives...and you are absolutely right....TACKY!!!

brideinOC

I think that's pretty tacky asking for diapers to be admitted.  I don't, however, find it tacky when I've been asked to bring a book to help start the baby's library.  Somehow, that's different. 

LCB34

That is so tacky on so many levels.

I don't care who you are or where you are from, showers for a second (or more) baby is TACKY.  Unless your children are years (and I mean 6+ years) apart there is no reason why you need a shower.

And diaper raffles, don't even get me started.  Not to mention that you have no clue what type of diapers are going to work for you.

I would decline and not send a gift.  Maybe buy an outfit and have your DH bring it to the baby's father at work after she gets here.

 

SparklyCutie

brideinOC:

I think that's pretty tacky asking for diapers to be admitted.  I don't, however, find it tacky when I've been asked to bring a book to help start the baby's library.  Somehow, that's different. 

 

wow, love the book idea!

AlissaCell701

brideinOC:

I think that's pretty tacky asking for diapers to be admitted.  I don't, however, find it tacky when I've been asked to bring a book to help start the baby's library.  Somehow, that's different. 

My MIL did this for one of my baby showers! It was a GREAT idea!!..I loved it and we now have a HUGE library full of books for baby Jake..

It's totally different, IMO..

charmcitygirl

I just heard about the donation of diapers for a shower on the Nest a couple of weeks ago.  I've never been asked before to do that and would never ask for it, in addition to a gift.

Listen, you think she's a nice girl and you like her (to a point).  She's having a baby.  You don't have to go to the shower.  Just send her an outfit - a super girly one - and wish her good luck in the card.

That's it.  That way, nothing can be said negative about you and you don't have to sit through the shower.

JustaKidAtHeart

LCB34:

That is so tacky on so many levels.

I don't care who you are or where you are from, showers for a second (or more) baby is TACKY.  Unless your children are years (and I mean 6+ years) apart there is no reason why you need a shower.

And diaper raffles, don't even get me started.  Not to mention that you have no clue what type of diapers are going to work for you.

I would decline and not send a gift.  Maybe buy an outfit and have your DH bring it to the baby's father at work after she gets here.

 

Wow attack much? Hasnt this board had this debate before?  It is regional.  Get over it.  If you dont like it dont go.  Second showers in my area are the norm.  The are smaller and usually just munch, talk and mingle.  Am I having one... No.  Not that it is your biz.  But you are brutal in your response.

hannah&ben

You don't have to go and you don't have to send a gift.  Period.  It's just an invitation.

You know what I do in situations like this, I politely decline to attend (citing conflicting plans) and I send a really nice card.  I write a (longish) thoughtful message and my husband and I both sign it (you know, vs. a generic 'congrats' card where I scribble nothing but our names and don't bother DH with it).

What can they say then?  Nothing! Because you've shown that you're excited for them and their new addition (but didn't have to go and meet their tacky demands!)

Hannah

LCB34

JustaKidAtHeart:

LCB34:

That is so tacky on so many levels.

I don't care who you are or where you are from, showers for a second (or more) baby is TACKY.  Unless your children are years (and I mean 6+ years) apart there is no reason why you need a shower.

And diaper raffles, don't even get me started.  Not to mention that you have no clue what type of diapers are going to work for you.

I would decline and not send a gift.  Maybe buy an outfit and have your DH bring it to the baby's father at work after she gets here.

 

Wow attack much? Hasnt this board had this debate before?  It is regional.  Get over it.  If you dont like it dont go.  Second showers in my area are the norm.  The are smaller and usually just munch, talk and mingle.  Am I having one... No.  Not that it is your biz.  But you are brutal in your response.

Nope - not an attack.  Just MY opinion that second showers are TACKY.  I'm pretty sure a lot of people agree with MY opinion.

Just because you (and your circle) think it is OK does mean it is any less tacky in my book.

JustaKidAtHeart

LCB34:

JustaKidAtHeart:

LCB34:

That is so tacky on so many levels.

I don't care who you are or where you are from, showers for a second (or more) baby is TACKY.  Unless your children are years (and I mean 6+ years) apart there is no reason why you need a shower.

And diaper raffles, don't even get me started.  Not to mention that you have no clue what type of diapers are going to work for you.

I would decline and not send a gift.  Maybe buy an outfit and have your DH bring it to the baby's father at work after she gets here.

 

Wow attack much? Hasnt this board had this debate before?  It is regional.  Get over it.  If you dont like it dont go.  Second showers in my area are the norm.  The are smaller and usually just munch, talk and mingle.  Am I having one... No.  Not that it is your biz.  But you are brutal in your response.

Nope - not an attack.  Just MY opinion that second showers are TACKY.  I'm pretty sure a lot of people agree with MY opinion.

Just because you (and your circle) think it is OK does mean it is any less tacky in my book.

 

And obviously there are people that dont agree with YOU because this debate keeps coming up.  And  why shouldnt all babies be celebrated? And meet the baby parties are gross and germy.  And the book thing is the EXACT same as the diaper thing.  It is asking for an additional something and books cost about the same as a cheap/small thing of diapers.

sliz

I wouldn't go or send a gift. I think all showers are tacky and just rooting for gifts. If you are close enough to the person send a card and something you think is appropriate as a gift when the baby is born. I generally don't give gifts for a baby until it is born.

emmyloustu

I would not go and I would not send a gift. I would politely decline and not provide a reason. I typically only send a gift if it is someone we are very close to and can't make the event. Some people that could not attend my shower sent a gift, most didn't. I would send a gift to work with your Dh when the baby arrives - something simple and affordable.

AuburnBride06

I agree this kind of thing tends to be regional. With that being said, I don't agree with showers after the first baby. If you want to celebrate, fine, then have a party afterwards, sans registry/ gift requests. And definitely no diaper requirement for entry. That is pretty tacky. But even worse thN all that.....filling out your own invites? Heck no. That's the worst. but then.....not surprising for someone having a second shower either. I would not go but to remain classy I'd probably send something small after the baby gets here.

Temp159135562506975

i wouldn't go but would send a small gift.

Christakim

Yea I really wouldn't go. I might send a small gift to work with my DH.

I just posted about this last week (about a shower I was invited to and they had us bring diapers for a prize), you probably missed the post, but most people said it's normal to ask for diapers at the end of an invite now.  I think it's very tacky.  I brought a pack anyway because I didn't want to be the only one not bringing them. Turns out, not many people actually did.  I just took the cost of them out of her gift.

browneyedgrl4282

Wow, that is tacky! I personally am not a fan of 2nd showers unless it is large age gap, new marriage, or say they are expecting twins the 2nd go around which would mean they need additional baby gear.

I would not feel obligated to send a gift, just because you are invited don't feel like you should. If you go visit her when the baby is born, I would maybe buy something small like an outfit or two! Maybe I would send DH to work with a gift right before the baby is due but nothing else.

 

Also, other have mentioned bringing a book for a baby. I did this for my cousins showers but on the invites we wrote something cute about how cards are wonderful but we would like to start a library for the new baby so why not buy a book and write a special note in it so the baby could have it forever. I mean if you think about it some cards cost as much as a baby book would! We did not demand a book though!

newsbaby

Goldie_Locks_5:

i wouldn't go but would send a small gift.

I agree. Thats exactly what I would do.

Sharra711

So is it tacky to ask for diapers AND books?!? (Totally just asking, because my latest invite did )

PrincessShay80

I agree with LCB- showers for second babies or second marriages are TACKY! And I have never been to a shower with any sort of entry item that was mandatory, why the heck is there is raffle at a shower?!

As for the "all babies being celebrated" have a freaking party after the baby is born- but don't register and call it a shower- call it a party to meet the baby, no gifts necessary.

I would not go, if you want to send an outfit with your DH to work do that, that's just the nice thing to do.

lrrb

While I think second shower's are a little strange in the way that she's having one, I don't think ALL second shower's are weird (example, babies are more than 4 or 5+ years apart, twins etc).  I do agree that all babies should be celebrated and why not get together to enjoy each other and talk baby, etc, even if that is after the baby is born.  But I do think that big showers, registering etc is a little tacky for second showers.  And I for SURE think diapers for "entry" is AWFUL.  I think if she worded it like a "raffle" if you bring some diapers would be a "little" better still then....NMS.

While second shower's aren't the "norm" here they aren't unheard of either.  My husband is a worship pastor at a BIG church and I bet if/when we get pregnant again the congregation will insist on a shower but thats bc they believe in taking care of there "own" so to speak haha.  But I know thats so different then writing your own shower invites and  asking for diapers to come in haha.  Also it will have been 4 years sense our last baby and we really don't have anything anymore.  We gave pretty much all of it away to families in need whenever someone said they had a need.   If they DON'T throw us a shower I will NOT be having one haha and I sure as heck won't be fishing for a shower, diapers, gear etc.  

I know that different places have different standards and I'm fine with that but in terms of YOUR situation I just think its plain tacky.  I would not go (you don't like her anyways) and I would send a very small gift with your husband after the baby is here.  

Honestly whatever you decide to do is going to be fine just do what you feel comfortable doing.   

dusk42

The hostesses of one of my showers did the books-as-cards thing, and everyone loved it and wrote beautiful inscriptions in the books that I often read to DD when we start the books.  I think there is a difference between a suggestion for a sentimental gift like that and something that the baby is going to poop in and get thrown out.  

 

Also, the books were a suggestion, not "for entry."  The "for entry" is the tacky part in this case (and that she may be throwing this shower for herself).  

 

And generalizing that second showers are tacky is pretty narrow - people move around so much that you may have a totally new town/work/set of friends, and if they really want to throw a shower with this new circle, why not?  Some of the etiquette rules are meant for people who grow up, get married, have babies, etc. all in the same town.  (Like the traditional rule that you can only have one wedding shower - doesn't work well if your families are 600 miles apart).      

 

My work just threw a shower for a first baby, a second baby, and a set of twins/second pregnancy.  We're having another shower in a few months for another second baby, a third baby, and a first baby.  None of the parents worked for us when they had their first kid, and we all wanted to celebrate this crop of new babies.  Not tacky.

my*heart*is*his

I think the spirit of the invite you received IS tacky. There is NO situation where it is okay to say: "Bring this to get into the shower". Totally tacky.

2nd showers I am okay with if the spirit is appropriate. I went to one last weekend where the point was to shower the family with love - most everyone brought diapers as a gift because this was a 2nd child and they did not know the sex of the baby. It was a wonderful time to talk and laugh with friends as we celebrated this 2nd miracle.

And I love the book idea - when I threw a shower for a friend I put in the invite that if guests wanted to bring a copy of one of their favorite children's book instead of a card (which usually cost $4-5 anyway), it would be a wonderful way to start the baby's library. Cards get thrown away anyway, a book is around forever. People LOVED it. Everyone got to share with the mom-to-be why this was one of their favorite books and it gave the mom-to-be some great books.