I don't like to do this... * long vent*

samakasrc

I'm losing it. If I haven't already lost it.

I am  stay at home mom. I quit my full time job before Evelyn was born because we wouldn't be able to afford daycare expenses. Because i made the lesser money I qiut my job to stay home.

I'm so tired of the lectures I get from my SO I could explode. Sometimes its more like he's my dad then my SO. "Did you eat the beef stew I brought home for you?" (no sorry, I didn't have time to eat today) "Where's my work apron" (Last time I checked, I didn't use it.) "This floor is a mess" (so vacuum it) "Where are the diapers" (where they've been since the day she was born - and before). Its like this all day long when he's home, but usually I try to keep the peace and won't usually say anything too intense.

So last night, I was losing it. Came on to bump for awhile so he could take care of

her. She'd been fussing and crying all day (stupid teeth) AND I had swept and mopped the whole floor, vacuumed all carpeting, did 2 sinks full of dishes, took totes of things to the garage for storage, did 4 loads of laundry, cleaned her room....  and I just wanted 30 minutes to myself. I couldn't even get that. She was crying and I told him "She may want a bottle" (just offering a little help from afar) and he said he couldn't and that I should make it because he can't while he's holding her. (I do it all day every day, seriously its possible).

I walk upstairs and her dirty diaper and dirty clothes are on the bathroom floor from her bath, the tub is still full of water and toys, his shower towel is sprawled out on the floor... which just throws me over the edge partly because I'd just cleaned the bathroom yesterday. He gives her a bath and just leaves. Is it impossible to drain the tub at least? Put her diaper in the genie or garbage?

I feel like I clean all day then have to follow him around the whole time he's home and pick up after everything he does...

I'm going crazy. Its been cold for too long.I want summer here, I want to go outside and play, I want to go for walks and go to the park... I want to see more people and not have to tote 800lbs of winter baby gear with me.

He isn't a bad guy. He doesn't do it on purpose. I just don't think he gets it. I'm locked up all day in the house with a 8 month old crying teething baby... he comes home talking about his day at work and who said/did what and the events of the day and I'm walking around cleaning up after him, still taking care of the crying teething baby and he can't even do the dishes for me? or vacuum or something? Then I get lectured about the stuff?

He doesn't understand that my mom instilled in me the value of spending time with the kids. The dirt will still be there in 20 years, but the baby will not. And my biggest priority during the day is that my baby is taken care of, played with and happy. I don't care if my house is spotless or not as long as she's safe and happy. He thinks because I'm home all day I should have the house totally clean and because I don't work I should be happy all the time.

Vent over. Thank you! Just needed to get it out and off my chest.

AvidVertigo

Ehugz to you...I'm sorry!

weheartsofie

I completely understand how you're feeling.   On top of having a baby, deciding to stay at home is a huge adjustment.   I'm in the same boat and while I woundn't trade staying at home for the world, it's difficult.  I have a few of the same complaints as you do w/DH  but I feel bad because he is working so much right now so I probably don't vocalize them like I should.   Other than talking to him and letting him know how you feel I guess I don't have advice but I think things will be much better when it's not 8 millions degrees below zero so we aren't stuck in the house.

emilysmommy2010

It is hard being a SAHM. Trying to juggle chores and a baby is hard work. Your DH should be more understanding about just how hard it is. Have you talked to him about the stress that you are feeling and may be ask him to pick up after himself a little more?

KelsoXOXO

I understand! DH and I had moments like this when I was a SAHM. Just talk to him and let him know how you're feeling. ::hugs::

Roxpup

AvidVertigo:

Ehugz to you...I'm sorry!

this. i feel your pain.  I am a SAHM and DH is a WAH dad.  he works 'full time' but doesn't actually put in 40 hours a week.  he doesn't even do 40 hours a month.  but he leaves everything for me to do.  at least this is how i FEEL.  i want warm weather, i want sun, i want no snow, i want the park, i want to not have to deal with winter baby gear, either. i am sick if the ice to possibly slip on.  i'm sick of it all.

i'm sorry, i hope you feel better soon! 

ncr279

i totally understand.  DH and i are currently working through the same issue... Basically i sat him down and told him straight up that i need help.  I think that is what you might try as well, because honestly i think men just dont understand.  I think they lack the brain function to see a situation and figure out in their heads how THEY can make it better or easier for you.  So my husband told me that any time i need help with something that i need to tell him.  Otherwise he will forget or not realize that he should offer help. 

HTH!  Feel free to PM me if you need to!

samakasrc

emilysmommy2010:

It is hard being a SAHM. Trying to juggle chores and a baby is hard work. Your DH should be more understanding about just how hard it is. Have you talked to him about the stress that you are feeling and may be ask him to pick up after himself a little more?

I've only kind of mentioned things as they come up... like "If you drain the tub while she's still in it and start putting the toys away... she'll eventually learn that it means its time to get out"... I've walked in the bathroom with him in it and put his towel on the hook and said "instead of putting your towel on the floor, can you hang it on the hook?"  but it never changes   I did sort of go off this morning about everything.... but somehow I've given up hope that it'll actually change anything cause it hasn't in the past....

samakasrc

SophieLaGirafe:

I completely understand how you're feeling.   On top of having a baby, deciding to stay at home is a huge adjustment.   I'm in the same boat and while I woundn't trade staying at home for the world, it's difficult.  I have a few of the same complaints as you do w/DH  but I feel bad because he is working so much right now so I probably don't vocalize them like I should.   Other than talking to him and letting him know how you feel I guess I don't have advice but I think things will be much better when it's not 8 millions degrees below zero so we aren't stuck in the house.

I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way... sometimes I wonder if I'm just nitpicking the little things...

LaurelBee

Being a sahm is a thankless job isn't it?  It's wonderful, but I've definately had days like those- not necessarily all that cleaning on top of teething heII though

Dh asked what I wanted for Vday- I told him I wanted him to do the dishes for a week!  I would love to come down and not find last nights dishes in the sink and clean dishes in the dishwasher!!  Ugh! 

samakasrc

ncr279:

i totally understand.  DH and i are currently working through the same issue... Basically i sat him down and told him straight up that i need help.  I think that is what you might try as well, because honestly i think men just dont understand.  I think they lack the brain function to see a situation and figure out in their heads how THEY can make it better or easier for you.  So my husband told me that any time i need help with something that i need to tell him.  Otherwise he will forget or not realize that he should offer help. 

HTH!  Feel free to PM me if you need to!

Maybe I can just sit down with him.. when I haven't lost it... and explain things better. I feel like he gets so defensive sometimes that he doesnt' hear me....

kfbny

Seems we have similar DHs.  I am a working mom, and I have the problem where he still thinks I have to do everything on top of working.  Our relationship has really been suffering because of it. I can't get home at 6:30, put the baby to bed, then clean up and get laundry/food shopping etc done. It's just not possible.  All while he relaxes after his "tough day".  What I've found with him, is I have to be VERY specific.  I told him I was overwhelmed and I need help, and that did nothing. When I said, I need you to feed and walk the dog in the morning, he did. I was floored!  That has become his job.  He still leaves his towel everywhere and the dirty diaper on the changing table. But at least he changed the baby!  So, baby steps, but I was amazed at how giving him a "job" worked. I've tried the towel talk too, and he feels like I'm nagging. So I've given that up.  Pick your battles!  Summer will make everything feel better...hugs!

snansley

DH does better with specific tasks too.  He has admitted that he doesn't have a running list in his head of things related to the baby like I do.

 Just have a talk with him and tell him how you are feeling.  Maybe over a nice dinner after LO goes down? And hope that groundhog was right and spring comes early.

jennygirlmt

DH doesn't talk about how the house looks, I think he knows I would murder him :-) But if it makes you feel better, you described what I find when I go upstairs after asking DH to give DD a bath, I don't understand how I can empty the water, wring out the washcloth and pick up her clothes toys while holding her but he can't. Staying home is hard, let alone when you have a SO trying to make it seem like you don't do enough or who isn't willing to give you a break. Do you get out every day? I've been bad about this so lately I've been trying really hard, the cold weather is just killing my spirits and I'm fighting back. I too can't wait for warm weather. I would try telling SO how you feel, good luck!

samakasrc

Thanks ladies.  Specific jobs and a nice dinner will probably help a lot...a nice chat over dinner would be good. I guess I feel so overwhelmed sometimes and don't know what to do.

The nagging has to stop for both of us. its not helping either one of us and its just irritating. 

Indygo517

Copy/paste this in an email to him... I think it describes how you feel without bashing him.  Maybe he can see your perspective??

rubiafaerie25

I'm sorry!  I kinda relate.  I don't exactly get lectured but it gets brought up sometimes here.  And he thinks his job is soooo much harder.  In one way yes it is, because he HATES it, and while taking care of a baby all day is hard, and there are parts that aren't the most enjoyable, I love being with my child.  so in that sense, it is easier for me.  In every other, not so much.  I truly think this is a hard thing for *most* men to comprehend.  Hang in there.  I don't have any advice other than empathy.  You keep doing what you're doing, the baby is more important and before you know it will be asking you for your car keys.  Maybe try to have a little talk with him one night after you're both calm, she's asleep, etc.  Not after he's just made a mess or anything so you're not in a frustrated mindset.  It may help because maybe he just doesn't get it.  It may not help but at least you tried? 

eSynergy

I think you should tell him exactly what you posted. Maybe he doesn't understand how hard it is for you.

My DH also leaves things around the house, I'm also working on that. He does really well with specific directions...for example,, why don't you walk the dog and vacuum while I make dinner.

haleybeth81

You really need to have a sit down chat with him or you're going to really resent him.  I tried to be super mom and wife with DD#1 while having PPD/PPA and am probably still a bit crazy from it lol.  My DH does better when I make a list of what I do during the day so he can see I'm not sitting and eating bon bons (he was much better this time around because he knows for a fact he couldn't be me for a day).  I also gave him his jobs to do that he is good at doing and doesn't mind doing.  He does the trash, dishes (I still have to do them at times but he's pretty good at keeping them up), and doing the girls baths.  He comes home somedays and will complain that he has it harder but about an hour alone with the girls and puppy and he's singing a different tune.  You really need to make sure you figure out a way to make the division of labor more fair or you'll be miserable.

As for you getting out and about, join a mom's group.  I joined when DD#1 was 4 mo old and spent most of the playdates on the side lines but I got to spend time with actual adults. 

You could also tell DH that you shouldn't piss off the person who is going to be taking care of him when he's older