Have you thought about adoption?

may2806

Now that my DE cycled failed, I'm already on to the next plan, adoption, which would be plan C (plan B was DE). We're doing another DE cycle but I'm starting to feel like maybe it isn't in the cards for me to carry a baby. This saddens me more than I can say.

But my control-freak nature is of course is now looking down the line to figuring out what to do post-DE. I'm open to adoption, but the long, involved process is really freaking me out. I can't believe that it could be YEARS before I have a baby if I pursued adoption. Not just the wait time for a child, but I was lurking on the adoption board today and found that even just the wait time to attend the info sessions with agencies can be months! 

The path to parenthood seems neverending. Have you looked into adoption, and how will you deal with more waiting? The thought of it is making me crazy. I honestly don't know how I will be able to handle it after doing IF treatments for several years.

Melicakes

I am also looking into adoption as an option and I felt the same way you did when I first started, the possibly long time frame of waiting was ming boggling not to mention the cost ...

BUT there are lots of ways to get into adopting and the time frame for applying and waiting varies for each one. There have been posters there who were matched within 6 months,.

Also , if you wanted you could maybe try Fostering to Adopt. That has a quicker turn around in general I'd say and is more cost effective ( often free) but the downside ( at least to me) is the chances of getting a newborn are low... but it's possible you could at least get an infant.

If I were you I'd read The Idiot's guide to Adoption. I read it and I felt a lot more informed afterward and I had an idea what direction I'd go in.

 

Good luck !

P.S. The adoption board girls are really nice, you can post whatever questions you might have and they'll answer honestly .

Serendipitie

I don't really have a lot of answers for you, but I have absolutely considered adoption! I haven't done a ton of research but have gotten some insight form nesties I know who adopted as well as friends of ours who are currently trying to adopt. I guess in my mind I know there is always time for me to adopt, while my eggs aren't getting any younger, so I'm just trying to focus on one thing at a time...

scatterbrainliz

I haven't been on the boards for several months but I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and had only two options.  After thinking about doing DE, we moved onto international adoption.  We'll be matched with a referral in 6-8 months and our homestudy was submitted almost a month ago.

You may want to check around local agencies to attend info meetings just to get an idea of the process for domestic and international as the two differ greatly. 

We chose international as I'm a Korean adoptee and we're adopting from Korea.  Also the international process is very intrusive to your personal life especially getting an in-depth look at your finances and getting local and gov't background checks so you have to be open to being judged from the beginning.

It definitely wasn't an easy journey but we made it and am beyond thrilled to know we'll have a child waiting for us by the end of the year!

Good luck with your journeys either through fertility treatments or adoption!

njohnson1972

TICKER WARNING!

 

I hope you don't mind me posting, but I also considered adoption.

I actually found a clinic in TX that gives priority to IF couples.  Your IF has to be documented.  If I am going to be IF, then I plan on using it to my advantage!

I would also check with your and your DH's employer to see if they have an adoption reimbursement program.  I know that my current employer reimburses up to $7,000 in adoption expenses.  A previous employer I had did $10,000.  That can go a long way to making the process easier. Interestingly, 4 people in my office have adopted.

Good luck and big (((hugs))) to you.

may2806

Thanks for your replies. I was thinking more about how to handle the emotional toll of the process, especially after years of IF. I know technically I "have time," but I just don't know how I can handle more at this point.

I don't think I could foster to adopt. The thought of having to give back a child is something else I don't think I could emotionally handle. 

magnolia_femme

I've thought about it a lot.  The only thing holding me back is the wait time, like you said.  If IVF is unsuccessful for us, we'll have the DE or adoption talk.

scatterbrainliz

may2806:

Thanks for your replies. I was thinking more about how to handle the emotional toll of the process, especially after years of IF. I know technically I "have time," but I just don't know how I can handle more at this point.

I don't think I could foster to adopt. The thought of having to give back a child is something else I don't think I could emotionally handle. 

There are a lot of adoption forums that you can sound off on and everyone comes to adoption for a various reasons but it's mainly IF couples out there choosing to adopt and you're not alone.  Until you take time to grieve IF then you're ready to start the next process.  I grieved a long time before I chose to adopt and at this point, it's been an emotional journey for me but once we made the decision, I had wished I made the decision sooner but realized I wasn't ready two years ago.  I needed to heal first.  I still struggle with IF sometimes.  

The only advice I can offer is for you to take time to grieve IF before you start the next phase of your family building. 

AuburnBride06

Hi! 

Ill echo some of what Meli said. Also, agency adoption is not the only way to go. Depending on where you live (what is allowed) there are different avenues, such as the way we pursued, which is Domestic Private adoption through an attorney. As you can see from my siggy, the wait wasn't bad at all. I could go into a long song & dance about why we chose the route we did, but the short version is that with an agency, the costs are astronomical IMO. You are paying large fees for their brick & mortar, their bills, their payroll, etc. We probably saved about 10K going the way we did and I KNOW we matched must faster. For the agencies around here, there were waitlists and all kinds of hoops we would have had to go through before even going "active".  With the hell we went through for the 3 years of IF and losing all our babies, and the emotional state we were in, the last thing we needed to do was wait YEARS for a baby. Of course, there is no guarantee of a quick match with any route, but private adoptions and adoptions through a facilitator or consultant do tend to go much quicker.

As far as the emotional aspect, yea it can be very hard. I truly believe that when you go through IF (really go through it, for years) that there is a process that takes place for you to get to the adoption point. I've always said this, but Ill say it again, there was a point in time that the thought of never carrying a baby was the absolute end of the world for me. Seriously. I would have rather died (and considered it, to be frank). But, after our 5th miscarriage, my heart changed. We had ZERO hope left. NONE at all. We would have been morons to even attempt IVF with our history. I say that God did work on my heart because I have no other explanation. The decision felt like the heaviest weight in the world had been lifted. IF had almost destroyed my marriage and my life. I thank God that I had this miraculous internal change. I did not NEED to carry a baby or have it share some unseen genetic link to me or have my crazy curly hair. I NEEDED to be a mother. I NEEDED to see my hubby be father. We knew bio kids were not in the cards and our hearts just needed to be parents. I could not love Noah more if I had carried him. No doubt in my mind. I think I love him more b/c I did not. Pregnancy/getting BFPs, treatments, it became horrible. A nightmare.

For us, we needed something different. We needed hope. It felt like all we were doing with treatments was continually throwing ourselves against a brick wall, and for what???  just to bury more babies in our garden? No thank you. It was the best decision we could have made. I've got a reason to live now. Adoption is scary, hard stuff too. But it was welcomed because at least it was something different. New tears. New worries. But there was hope still, because we had no reason not to have hope when it came to adoption. We did with IF. The challenges, unknowns and fears associated with adoption were welcomed, because it freed us from the heartbreak we had been living in for so long. With adoption, it's not a matter of if but when. Pregnancy has no guarantees. We also needed our lives to move on. We had to do something different, we were suffocating.

I definitely recommend reading/posting on the adoption board and pick up some books. Adopting After IF is a good one, kind of dated but good thoughts. And the $ aspect is not as bad or as scary as many think. The tax credit is currently $13,000 and it expires next year. That helps a ton. Sorry that got long, hope thta helps.

Melicakes

may2806:

I don't think I could foster to adopt. The thought of having to give back a child is something else I don't think I could emotionally handle. 

 

THis was a concern of mine as well. In some states (not sure if it's all of them) you can ask to foster a child that's been freed for adoption meaning their parent's parental rights are already in the process of being terminated.

That process brings you a step closer to being the child's forever family.

I just looked on the adoption board, there's a post about different adoption blogs, maybe check them out for different perspectives.

lovemygs

It's in the back of my mind pretty often.  We've always just said we'd cross that bridge when we get there....

kthappy76

We have thought and talked about it and would likely adopt from India (where DH is from), as DH is not a fan of all the drugs I'm taking.  It is very daunting, and seems even more disempowering (is that a word?) than going through treatments, but everyone I talk to who does it is SO happy in the end.  Best of luck.

AuburnBride06

Melicakes:

may2806:

I don't think I could foster to adopt. The thought of having to give back a child is something else I don't think I could emotionally handle. 

 

THis was a concern of mine as well. In some states (not sure if it's all of them) you can ask to foster a child that's been freed for adoption meaning their parent's parental rights are already in the process of being terminated.

That process brings you a step closer to being the child's forever family.

I just looked on the adoption board, there's a post about different adoption blogs, maybe check them out for different perspectives.

Not stepping on fost/adopt at all, but it just doesn't have to be the way to go to get an affordable adoption.  There is a lot of legal risk and IMO would be really hard for an IF'er or especially those with losses.

abbe19

I have thought of adoption but right now it seems so overwhelming to me. My husband is not there yet-he isn't ready to talk about the possibility of adoption. This scares me because I feel like we should at least start gathering information because it feels like a huge process. Sorry I don't have any answers for you but I feel like I fully understand what you mean when you say the path is never-ending. I am right there with you.

thebeadinglady

I think about adoption all the time. If it was just my decision I would probably pursue adoption before IVF. But my DH is very uncomfortable with the idea of adoption, and since I am willing to do IVF we are going done that road for now. However my DH knows that if we get through our three insured IVF cycles and still don't have a baby we will be going to a counselor to try and see if he can come around to the idea of adoption.

Eriksgal

We have thought about it and are open to it.  I need to exhaust all IF treatment options first though -not sure if that includes DE.

patchen30

I've been researching adoption - you probably saw my posts on there.  Not ALL adoptions have to take years.  Look at Auburn Bride - start to finish it took a year-ish for her.  The time can vary drastically.  And not ALL agencies have a looong wait to get into the info. sessions.  I think once you get in the info. session and then have the study done (maybe 8 weeks later), it's on average I think about 6-18 months to be matched.  There's also private adoption which can be shorter.  Keep researching - it doesn't have to be that doom and gloom.

AuburnBride06

yep---From the time we handed our profiles to our attorney till we had our sweet boy---what, 8 months? February - October. It's more than possible, happens all the time. Ive seen quite a few matches even quicker than ours. For anyone considering---don't get "pulled into" the agency thing thinking it's the only way. Just do tons and tons of research.

Sunflower0908

DH have talked about it quite a bit.
Late last year, we went to an adoption conference run by Resolve, it was excellent! So much of my knowledge prior to this had been guesswork, or watching Teen Mom So the conference really helped to set things straight.
I felt that by at least having some knowledge, I knew there were real options beyond IVF and this has helped me. We talk about it quite often and would really be open to going this route.

Ginger71

We've talked about it but we are more likely to do DE + DS than we are to move onto adoption. Sounds dumb becauseit's the same idea as far as the biological part of it goes but it's more than that. I have been pg and I want the whole experience without the heartache part. I can't accept that my body and heart will only know the loss of my baby.

We have talked about adoption from the beginning but we never felt very comfortable with it.I wish I could embrace it. It has nothing to do with the bio connection.... I really don't think we can open our hearts up to another process, if that makes sense. I called a few places after my last cycle in Nov. and was told to expect a call to attend their next 'open house"....I'm still waiting in Feb.  I don't have it in me to push myself to do all that paperwork and research and jump through hoops in the hope that some mother will pick us. (And NYS makes everything harder.....) It's not about being lazy...I have researched the hell out of IVF 80% of my cycles have required traveling a great distance. We just can't take the disappointment. At this point, I am not even completely sure we will go for DE, either. I am scared to death of what comes next. The older we get and the more time that passes, the more comfortable I get with just the 2 of us. I'll always be sad but maybe it's not meant to be.

FWIW, I admire the couples who do choose adoption.

SeptemberBride'08

Yes I think about it often.

Once I got the offical dx and the HSG cycles didn't work I told DH that during our break before I'm ready for IUI's I needed to be on the next step for adoption. I need to know that we can have children and a family even if it's not a bio child.

At this step I have comes to terms with the possibilty of not having bio children. It helps that I've always to adopt so it feels somewhat natural. I'm sure that if we go through IUI's and failed IVF's there will be another mourning period. But I am convinced one way or another we will have a family.

scooterq

may2806:

Thanks for your replies. I was thinking more about how to handle the emotional toll of the process, especially after years of IF. I know technically I "have time," but I just don't know how I can handle more at this point.

I don't think I could foster to adopt. The thought of having to give back a child is something else I don't think I could emotionally handle. 

I have thought about it!  I think my biggest mental hurdle is the emotional toll and the fact that for me to fully embrace the thought of that process I need to be to the point where I'm really to close the door on treatment, and I am not there yet.  I think will try at least a few more cycles of IVF.  If they don't bring us a baby, we'll consider DE/DS/Embryo Adoption and Adoption. 

may2806

Ginger71:

I really don't think we can open our hearts up to another process, if that makes sense. 

This is how I feel, too, makes complete sense.

I would also rather do DE + DS (if DS was needed; we're not sure what's causing the losses), but I'm just not sure that my body can actually carry a baby is the problem. A GC is probably outside the realm of possibility monetarily and does seem a little pointless if it won't be a genetic baby anyway... but adoption is just so, so daunting right now. I suppose I should just give myself time to process my latest loss, but it's just in my nature not to want to sit around.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. 

gervaisj6

all the time,  DS is our last stop , and after that, on to adoption... 

emca

I think about it all the time as well.  I know you have already done a donor egg cycle (or more).  We have adoption, DE, or gestational surrogate as our options.  I have all the same feelings you do about the time, etc.  I hope you can find what is best for you. 

steveandkim2

I know I'm late on this one, but we're also researching adoption right now.  If it were up to DH, that would be our route.  It is scary, but there are so many great resources to help along the way!

Temp206787500007404

I just want to say, as an IF and a mom through the gift of adoption, that adoption isn't for everyone...and that's okay.  I know there's a lot of pressure to "just adopt" if your treatments aren't working out...but I think it's okay to say it's not for you and you would rather do DE, surrogacy or whatever other options.

If you are considering it and struggling with it, I would just say that you need to grieve your IF completely before moving on.  If you jump into adoption and are still dealing with your IF ghosts, you're setting yourself up for some major heartache.  Adoption can be easy, but it still has it's own rollercoaster of emotions.  And pp are correct, it doesn't have to be a long process...we started considering adoption in August of 2008 and were matched in June 2009 and our baby was born in November 2009.

anangelbug

YES, yes, yes, and once we made the decision and got going I couldn't have been happier, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and some of the sadness and despair went away. I found I was excited & happy again.  There is a bit of misunderstanding that it takes years to adopt but I have met so many people and ourselves included that have done it pretty quickly.   Our time line is in my siggy.  Some people get matched with a baby due much sooner than our birth mother, you just never know what path/time line you will end up on in the world of adoption.  I do recommend a consultant (a reputable one that others can vouch for). Hang in there.  Good luck with your DE, just know that adoption is a wonderful and amazing thing. Coming to terms with and mourning the bio loss is hard but it can and does get better.