Babies: 3 - 6 Months
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DH Issues- Long Vent

I wanted to know what you ladies thought about my issues with my DH and see if any of you are experiencing the same or similar things.   He is a wonderful  father, and loves our 3 month old very much, but I feel that all of the responsibility is on me.  

 I work from home full time, make just as much, and sometimes more money than DH.   I take care of our baby from the time he leaves for work unil the time he gets home.  And when he gets home, he goes to MMA class, and the gym.  So sometimes I'm home with the baby from sun up until 9 at night with no one to relieve me. 

I budget the money, and pay most of the bills.  I clean, I make his lunches for him (we are dieting so i make his lunch with dinner from the night before)  I feel like I do everything, man and woman's role.   Today i broke down because the batteries were out in the swing and we had no swaddle blankets that were clean to put baby to sleep so that I could work.  Its like, if I don't go do it, or get it... it doesn't get done.   Our floodlights outside went out with the Christmas lights in 2009, and I still don't have an electrician out to fix them I finally called someone MYSELF today.  My plants have been frozen so I call a landscaper because I know theres no way he will ever help me get it back where it was because he hates the plant nursery and digging.  I feel like my house is falling apart and I have no one to help me, i have to do everything all while working a stressful 40 hr job, taking care of baby, and grocery shopping (coupon cutting, and budgetting!)  

He is a lineman, so I know his job is difficult, but does anyone else's husband expect them to do everything?

Re: DH Issues- Long Vent

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    imageSookieFrackhouse68:

    No.

    Have a Come to Jesus talk with him NOW. My H would be out on the curb waiting for the garbage truck if this sh!t were happening. This is incredibly unfair to you. End that sh!t now.

    This!

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    My husband is a huge help. I am sorry you are going through this. You should not have to live like a single parent. (I give huge props to you for doing so and huge props to single parents.) ::hugs::
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    imageSookieFrackhouse68:

    No.

    Have a Come to Jesus talk with him NOW. My H would be out on the curb waiting for the garbage truck if this sh!t were happening. This is incredibly unfair to you. End that sh!t now.

    What Sookie said. 

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    You are NOT alone. Although, my husband isn't gone that much. When he comes home from work, he will only SOMETIMES cook dinner. But that's as far as it goes. I do EVERYTHING else. I get up at 6, get ready, get dd ready, take her to grandma's, go to work, work all day, go pick dd up, go home, make dinner (unless he's feeling extra nice *which is rare*), get dd ready for bed then I go to bed. The laundry is always backed up because I can only do it on the weekend. He helps, but not enough. And an even bigger issue is he thinks he helps a lot. HA! 

    Me and a friend were talking the other day about how our husbands have 1 foot in the grave when they're sick but when we're sick, we better suck it up. She said to me, "Mom's are like mailmen, you have to deliver, rain or shine." It's so true. Now, there are some women out there that their husbands do a lot! Lucky them. I love my DH, I just wish he'd help more.

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    Well, i will say that he does do the dishes sometimes and gets up with the baby.  But most of the time its bare minimum help around the house.

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    imageParisLynn16:

    You are NOT alone. Although, my husband isn't gone that much. When he comes home from work, he will only SOMETIMES cook dinner. But that's as far as it goes. I do EVERYTHING else. I get up at 6, get ready, get dd ready, take her to grandma's, go to work, work all day, go pick dd up, go home, make dinner (unless he's feeling extra nice *which is rare*), get dd ready for bed then I go to bed. The laundry is always backed up because I can only do it on the weekend. He helps, but not enough. And an even bigger issue is he thinks he helps a lot. HA! 

     Ya he cooks burgers ever now and then and HELPs with stuff every now and then... but it would be nice for ME to only have to HELP.

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    Definitely talk to him. I was feeling very overwhelmed with DS a few weeks ago. He was very colicy, reflux, etc. I felt like I coudln't get anything done except take care of DS. I was exhausted, depressed and at my wits end. I sat DH down one night and told him how I felt. Things have been MUCH better. I know he is tired after a long day at work, but something as simple as loading the dishwasher after dinner helps me out greatly. Tell him how you feel and what you need. GL Momma.

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    imageSookieFrackhouse68:

    No.

    Have a Come to Jesus talk with him NOW. My H would be out on the curb waiting for the garbage truck if this sh!t were happening. This is incredibly unfair to you. End that sh!t now.

    I agree. Besides working to help provide (which you are also doing), what is he doing to help out? This is totally unfair.

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    imageSookieFrackhouse68:

    No.

    Have a Come to Jesus talk with him NOW. My H would be out on the curb waiting for the garbage truck if this sh!t were happening. This is incredibly unfair to you. End that sh!t now.

    What Sookie said.  She took the words right out of my mouth.

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    You definitely need to discuss this.  DH and I discussed before DS was even born that our lives were going to change.  End of story.  There is no more staying up until 4:00 in the morning and sleeping until 1:00 in the afternoon for him.  There is no more going to movies alone at 10:00 on a Saturday for me.  You need to discuss that there are some things that he needs to be responsible for and have an equal share in the family before you lose it and blow up the whole town.  It can't continue like it is.  Period.
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    Your marriage is going to crumble if you do not deal with this now.  Please sit and talk.   Communication is key and I am thinking you are lacking this right now.  Good luck!
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    You are not alone.  There are definitely some things that my DH needs to work on, no one is perfect. 

    But. I agree with PP that you need to talk to him or nothing will ever change.  Maybe write out everything that you are thinking and sit down and read it to him.  I have done this in the past and it helped get my point across so much better because it wasn't off the cuff and therefore not in circles. 

    I also make sure to let my DH know that I am not asking for him to do EVERYTHING but that I realistically need help or I will crack because I am doing the job of three people, which is a lot to expect out of one person. 

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    I have talked to him several times about this, threatened to leave... etc.   he does good for a week and slowly goes back into the same ol same ol.
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    My DH works 70 hour weeks...so I can relate a bit...

    but SERIOUSLY, if he went to the gym and didn't help at all at home I would freak out.

    Working 40 hours from home while taking care of LO is too much even...can you budget to hire some help so you can get work done?

    You aren't Superwoman, no one is...he can't expect you to be.

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    Yikes!!! Are you sure your not married to my husband??? This is my life story except for the part of working from home. I have to go into the office and LO goes to daycare. My DH is a lineman too. We actually had our come to Jesus meeting this AM, so we see how it goes.
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    Hell no. You've gotta put your foot down.
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    I can relate to how you are feeling.  My husband works long hours and has a 2hr commute each way (he works in NYC, we live in PA).  On a typical day he is gone from 5:30am-7:30pm.  He is also studying lots of hours for the CFA test.

    I also work 40hrs, and have an hour commute each way.  I get my daughter up and ready, take her to my mom's, go to work, pick her up, and go home.  We're generally gone from 7am-7pm.  I do all the housework- cleaning, cooking, laundry, baby related stuff, bill paying/budgeting.

    However my husband understands that I can't do it all.  He doesn't mind if I don't make dinner some nights and he has to make himself a sandwich or something.  I stopped packing his lunch after I had the baby.  He is responsible for the yard and maintenance type stuff.  I have to remind him a million times to change the burnt out lightbulb, etc. but eventually it will get done.

    Sometimes husbands dont realize how stressed out we are.  Tell him how you feel, ask nicely for help.  Don't be negative or criticize.  Also learn to let go- it doesn't matter if your house is a bit messy or the grass hasn't been mown in 3 weeks.  You do the best you can.  I don't know how you manage to work full time and watch the baby- major props to you.  I couldn't get by if I didn't have my mom to help me out.  Is there anyone else besides your husband that could watch the baby an hour or two a week to give you a break?  Maybe even hire a babysitter for an afternoon just so you can fold the laundry and empty the dishwasher.  It's amazing how much you can get done when you don't have to watch the baby.

    Good Luck to you!  You're not alone. 

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    Totally agree with everyone else.  This would just not happen in our house.  I think you need to arrange for at least part time daycare during the week.  If you are working from home and attempting to work a 40 hour week, there is no way that you can be expected to take care of a baby WHILE you are doing that.  I think that right there would be a huge help.

    And threatening to leave isnt going to help anything.  Like sookie said, maybe you need to come up with a sort of chore list.  Or designate a day/time every week where he takes care of the baby for a few hours while you go do your own thing.  I know that we would all LIKE our husbands to just volunteer to do these things or think of them themselves, but the reality is that a lot of times it's just not going to happen that way.  Yelling at a man about "you dont do anything to help me!  You need to help me!" isnt' really going to do much.  Sit down with him, tell him exactly WHAT you need help with and WHEN and WHY.  I think you will get much better results that way.

    And for godsake, find some daycare, even if it's just a few days a week.

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    I agree with PP to try and talk it out with DH. That's good advice. Otherwise you just end up resentful and angry. Three kids later I don't have a job/career anymore but i swear my husband uses that as the reason i handle everything else. All cooking, all cleaning, all laundry, all bill paying, all night wake-ups, all doctor appointments, every nightmare, every boo-boo, every sore throat or stomach virus, every ER Visit. Not to mention knowing everyone in both immediate families' birthdays, anniversaries, etc. There are no weekends. There are NO sick days and vacations are a thing of the past. In  fact, Now he's back to traveling 2 full weeks out of 4 - except now we live thousands of miles from my friends and family and i really am a single parent most of the time.  I recently caught a stomach flu complete with fever, vomiting, and the rest of the joyous aspects of a stomach bug. I still got up with baby #3 three times that night because he had to travel the next day. When he was sick a month ago, he went to bed for 5 days and I handled all the kids (including a newborn) and nursed his poor sick self back to health. Some days  I vow to go back to work - but you know - it would still be me handling every detail of family life. Reading this, I can see how deeply ticked off I am about this. Hmmm.  I guess I totally hijacked your post and used it to rant. My point is  - Nip it in the bud now instead of years from now when it's too darn late.
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    No.  My DH takes on more than his role.  I keep the house running and do most of those things on a daily basis, but he is always there to step up and relieve me when he gets home from work or when I need a break.  You need to show this exact post to your DH and maybe it will be a wake up call.

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    I actually showed all of this to him.   He thinks I made him look like a total loser.   I don't think anyone is more honest than on the net with a bunch of strangers really wanting honest opinions.   He changes diapers, gets up at night, makes the occasional burger, folds the occasional towel.  But most of the time I have to ask.  It would be nice to wake up on a saturday to "hey babe, i'm going to go to the nursery and work in the yard, want to help?"   No way... its DVR'd law and order at 9am on Saturday.  Now this is MOST of the time.   But doesn't MOST of the time define who we are?   Sure we can be angry sometimes, but we are sweet MOST of the time.  So people would generally label you as sweet right?  Just like a man can help out once in a while but generally be lazy so you would label them as lazy, right?  I made a list of daily chores, weekly chores, and occasional chores.   We will see how they get distributed.   He is a really kind, sweet man, means well and used to not be like this. 
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    imageParisLynn16:

    You are NOT alone. Although, my husband isn't gone that much. When he comes home from work, he will only SOMETIMES cook dinner. But that's as far as it goes. I do EVERYTHING else. I get up at 6, get ready, get dd ready, take her to grandma's, go to work, work all day, go pick dd up, go home, make dinner (unless he's feeling extra nice *which is rare*), get dd ready for bed then I go to bed. The laundry is always backed up because I can only do it on the weekend. He helps, but not enough. And an even bigger issue is he thinks he helps a lot. HA! 

    Me and a friend were talking the other day about how our husbands have 1 foot in the grave when they're sick but when we're sick, we better suck it up. She said to me, "Mom's are like mailmen, you have to deliver, rain or shine." It's so true. Now, there are some women out there that their husbands do a lot! Lucky them. I love my DH, I just wish he'd help more.

    This!

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    Pretty much what everyone else said...

    But I have to ask- How on earth do you work FULL time from home while watching your baby? One or the other must suffer, right? I don't mean this to sound rude, but you must be super woman if you can do both 100%.

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    imagePrudhommesGirl:
    I have talked to him several times about this, threatened to leave... etc.   he does good for a week and slowly goes back into the same ol same ol.
    so if his behavior is new since the baby came, then this behavior is only 3 mos old and you are already threatening to leave?  I think you both need a swift kick in the maturity pants.
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    It took several attempts but I forced my husband to realize I needed help, and help didn't mean watching the baby for five minutes while I peed. Guys are clueless, you need to explain in a way he'll listen, I threatened to leave several times and we knew I wasn't going anywhere,  basically I praised him for every little thing he did and one day told him how it was supposed ti be and what a privilege it was that I let him get away with it for this long. 
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    There is a great book called Babyproofing Your Marriage. Read it. Husbands shouldn't "help" they should be a true 50/50 partner.
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    If you do the budgeting I think you need to budget yourself a maid and a babysitter/mommy helper.  Have the babysitter come to your house while you work.  I did this in high school.  The mom or dad was home doing work and I watched/fed/played with their baby.  They got to do all sorts of housework/chores/run errands etc.  GL!  I have to tell DH exactly what I need him to do.  You could always stop doing his laundry as well.  :)
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    I'm a SAHM and I just recently broke down and hired someone to come twice a month to help clean.

    DH can be a bit of a man child when it comes to pitching in. It's like he has blinders on when it comes to messes and the little details that drive me crazy. He's an amazing dad but we are in no way 50/50. I hate to admit it but I've pretty much given up trying to get him to do more. At this point I'm surviving and don't really have the energy to fight the situation.

    I recommend not letting it get to this point. Sorry I'm no help, but good luck.

     

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