Afraid to let Paranoid Schizophrenia BIL around LO...help!!

Tjames9820

Ok I'm not due for another 18 days, but I'm getting nervous about letting my BIL around my little girl.  I'm a mental health therapist and see first had somethings people are capable of because they are unstable.  BIL takes medications, but not consistenly.  He lives with my MIL/FIL at age 27, has no job, and only gets on the cpu for facebook(stalking his ex-girlfirend) and youtube. He doesn't even wash his own clothes!!!  My in laws refuse to get him appropriate counseling b/c(they don't want the town in their family buisness).

DH is in total support that we don't trust BIL around LO so that will prevent her from spending the night with her grandparents.  We have tried SEVERAL times to talk to them about his condition and offer suggestions and help and they blow it off.

BIL has made comment like ( Since Tamera has come into Jay's life he has no time for me. She took him away from me.)  I'm afriad he may do something to harm LO. 

How would you handle telling your in laws that if BIL doesn't get therapy consistently their 1st grandchild will NOT be spending the night with them??? I'll be made to feel like the bad DIL keep them away from LO.

weelass24

That is your DH's job, not yours.  His parents, he tells them. 

BeetleLinz1125

You are not being a bad DIL, you are being a good mother.  I would be worried as well.  My brother has emotional issues and I don't want him around my LO.  Luckily, he doesn't live with my parents so I don't have that problem.  The only thing that will help is to stand firm that she cannot be with your BIL.  Maybe once they see that you are serious about it, they will consider getting BIL help because it's not just affecting him, it's affecting the entire family.  You might want to have your DH talk to his parents, and let them know that he is also uncomfortable letting your LO stay there.  If your IL think this is a "family issue" then it would be best to let dh handle it. 

Either way, he needs help, and you have to protect your LO.  It's ok to say no!

MarriedWriter

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. My husband had a psychotic episode a couple of years ago due to bipolar disorder, so I know how scary and unpredictable someone in that sort of state can be.

It sounds like your ILs are in denial about BIL's condition. They're enabling him to stay sick, which they (sadly) are entitled to do.

I'd suggest that YOU not talk to them about this at all. Your DH should be the only one who broaches the subject with them, and he needs to make it clear that not allowing your LO to stay over at their house is HIS decision. He should also make it clear that it's not a punitive issue, it's a safety issue. If your ILs choose to take offense about the whole thing, that is THEIR problem, not yours.

Lucky_Dragonfly

Its a really hard situation. My SIL's BIL is the same way. He has been admitted a few times for his episodes and SIL is nervous when he is around the kids. ( Her MIL found the brother on the floor one day after he drank Drano). Luckily her DH realizes how serious it is and supports her but it is tough on him since it is his brother. In situations like this your DH needs to be the one to say something and he needs to stress that he feels the same way as you as you stated so that your MIL hopefully doesn't pin this on you.

GL.

LifesPeachy

Just tell them, straight up. Nothing wrong with where you are coming from. It's not keeping LO from them.. They can visit at your house or spend the night at your house once in a while.. You can visit them at their house while you stay as well. You gotta get it outta your head that not letting LO stay the night is keeping LO from them. My parents have always been super involved in DD's life but she never spent the night until recently (she's 9). There's no reason for a baby/toddler to spend the night at anyone's house but your own (unless there's good reason, like an emergency). Things might be different in a few years when LO is a toddler and wants a sleep over with Grammy .. (even so she might want to come home come bedtime!). Kids really need their routines and to be surrounded by their own things. As I said, what is the rationale for LO going to spend the night anyway? Day visits at their house or yours are more than enough.

GeeWhiz

This is a tough one, but agree with PP.  Your DH needs to talk compassionately but firmly with his parents and brother.  I would start first by confirming his love for both and both of your desire to have them involved in LO's life on a significant level.  Then move into your concerns.  Make sure you put a positive spin on it (e.g. you know that with consistent medication use combined with counseling you believe that BIL and grandparents will have an important role in LO's life), but emphasize that without a commitment on their end to see it through, you will be forced to limit their access to LO to only when you are around.  Hopefully, their desire to be in LO's life will outweigh their concerns about public opinion in their town.  Good luck!

rrcraz7

weelass24:

That is your DH's job, not yours.  His parents, he tells them. 

I agree with this but I also don't think an explanation is really necissary. I would wait for the opportunity to present itself before jumping the gun and just announcing LO won't be spending the night.

MrsCarroll.6-10-07

You'll see how easy it will be to tell people what you think and how you feel about your kid once they're here. For now I would let your husband handle this since it is his family. Afterward I think there is no problem at all telling them straight up how and why you feel the way you do. If they can't see it or refuse to believe it that's their own problem. GL!

Ivana_Stolichnaya

Have your husband be the bearer of bad news.  If you do it, the outcome could blow up in your face.  Some people don't want to hear the truth but there's no reason to pvssy-foot around the situation.  This is YOUR child (along with your DH's) and you two make the rules over your daughter's safety.  I wouldn't even want to be around him, let alone him being around my daughter.

 

CutieBean79

rrcraz7:

weelass24:

That is your DH's job, not yours.  His parents, he tells them. 

I agree with this but I also don't think an explanation is really necissary. I would wait for the opportunity to present itself before jumping the gun and just announcing LO won't be spending the night.

Yea, all of this.  I'm not letting my LO spend the night at my mom's because she has 7 cats that have never been around children.  But I'm not going to sit her down and talk to her about this.  It's not necessary.  Now, if the situation arises then I will tell her.  I don't think there is any reason to start drama now.

julyjennifer

LifesPeachy:

You gotta get it outta your head that not letting LO stay the night is keeping LO from them. My parents have always been super involved in DD's life but she never spent the night until recently (she's 9). There's no reason for a baby/toddler to spend the night at anyone's house but your own (unless there's good reason, like an emergency). Things might be different in a few years when LO is a toddler and wants a sleep over with Grammy .. (even so she might want to come home come bedtime!). Kids really need their routines and to be surrounded by their own things. As I said, what is the rationale for LO going to spend the night anyway? Day visits at their house or yours are more than enough.

This is my take too.  My parents are great and DD has never spent the night there--neither of us has much interest in that arrangement at this point.  They have stayed at our house overnight with DD a few times while DH and I take a getaway night.

sarahns80

I am in a similar situation. My own brother is schizophrenic. My parents live 10 min away and have never left my DD at their house with my brother living there. He has done illegal drugs and other things I don't want DD around. My parents know he's sick and have been taking him to psychologists for years. I love my brother but he is very mentally sick and you just don't know what someone in that state of mind will do at any time. My parents always come over my house to watch DD. I have gone to their house with DD but only if I'm there too. Even though my parents would not leave DD alone with him I still just don't feel comfortable with it. Just let them know they are welcome to come see or watch your LO any time, it's your kid and your decision. I also use the added excuse that all DD's equipment/ toys are at our house anyways.

Sheas

weelass24:

That is your DH's job, not yours.  His parents, he tells them. 

THIS!

tcjane

MrsCarroll.6-10-07:

You'll see how easy it will be to tell people what you think and how you feel about your kid once they're here. For now I would let your husband handle this since it is his family. Afterward I think there is no problem at all telling them straight up how and why you feel the way you do. If they can't see it or refuse to believe it that's their own problem. GL!

 This!  When it comes to the safety of your child, you have every right to be the bad guy.  For similar reasons as yours, my brother will not be allowed around our baby unsupervised.  I know this will shock and insult him when the time comes to broach the issue... but you've got to do what you've got to do.  

 Also - besides the fact that you're the mom and what you say goes - you are a mental health professional.  Why would your family ever want to diminish your judgment regarding this issue? 

rle201

My BIL is almost the same age and is also a paranoid schizophrenic.  My BIL, however, doesn't take his meds, has a prescription drug problem, and has a tendency to use steroids.  Honestly he's an episode of Intervention waiting to happen.

Anyway, in our case, DH told MIL and FIL that BIL could not, under any circumstances, be around DS.  Unfortunately for MIL/FIL that means they can only see DS if they come to our house because BIL lives with them. 

I guess MIL didn't believe us, and she brought BIL (who she had just picked up from the mental health hospital) to the waiting room of L&D when DS was born.  BIL found my room and came walking in the door.  DH called security immediately and BIL was forcefully removed from not only our room, but the hospital as well.  MIL was pissed and told DH that wasn't necessary, but I don't care.  She shouldn't have brought him up there.

You are doing the right thing by keeping LO from DIL.  I know it is hard for you to keep LO from them, but it is for LO's safety.