My Mom Just Doesn't Get It.. Advice?

jess932211

I don't normally post on the military board but I just don't feel like many other people understand what I'm going through. DH is currently in Afghanistan and has been since DS was about a month old. I have been living at home throughout my entire pregnancy and gave birth here, DH came home and spent the 10 days and we went to see him off. I'm still living with my mom but when he comes home in May we are planning on moving on base and getting our home. My mom had a major meltdown the first time we discussed me and DS moving down so I have been walking on egg shells around the subject with her.

Last night she asked about going down to see DH get home and I told her I was planning on staying a while down there after and getting our house. She had a huge meltdown, calling me selfish and ungrateful and saying many hurtful things. I kept my mouth shut because I wasn't about to say anything I couldn't take back. I have made it clear from the start of my pregnancy though that I would be moving down to be with DH once he gets home. But she has just been in complete denial. Last night ended with her storming off into the bathroom and locking the door for 2 hours while she cried. I feel horrible but at the same time I need to do what is best for my family and that is for my son to be with his father and me to be with my husband. His base is about 14 hours away by car, so the distance is the hard part.

She had said there has to be something he can do to get closer and I assured her that there really isn't. I have accepted that with the Marine Corps I will be told where we will live among other things. She doesn't seem to understand this. I guess I'm just looking for any advice if anyone has gone through this? 

 She is my mother and I wish that she could be there for me and help me shop for things for my new home and be a part of this. It is frustrating and I feel so helpless and hurt. I just don't know what to do at this point. 

Lissa832

What exactly does she expect? She wants you and the baby to live with her forever while you occasionally go on a vacation to visit your husband? I would look at her and tell her to get a grip.

candiland2003

Your mom needs to have a reality check. You are a grown woman with a husband and child. She couldn't honeslty expect you to live with her forever could she? If it were me I would sit down with my mom and tell her exactly the plan. "I am moving out when DH comes home so WE can be a FAMILY TOGETHER in our OWN home. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I am moving out. Period. But you, mom are more than welcome to come visit every now and then and we will do the same."

I would also stop skirting around the issue and talk about it all the time, how excited you are to have DH come home and live together and be happy.  You mom needs to grow up and pull her head out of the clouds.

shall923

Your mom is the selfish one. Your husband comes first. Your son needs his dad and you need to be with your husband. Otherwise why did you get married. I would love to only live 14 hours away from my family. They are on the east coast and we are on the west coast. Your mom needs to grow up and you need to stop feeling guilty for something that is her problem.

Have fun setting up your house for YOUR family.

anabell0920

I just got done staying with my mom for a few months while H was deployed. When it came time to come home she of course was sad but would tell me " I know your place is with your husband". Though I must admit she did make me feel bad a few times about being excited about homecoming because she was sad I was leaving. Granted she didn't do it on purpose and never was dramatic about it I finally had to just tell her the truth. Sorry but your mom needs to look at the positive, that she got to spend that much time with you and her grandbaby. It is extremely selfish if she continues to act that way and not find a way to be happy for you. Of course she will be sad and miss you but she needs to be happy for you as well.

cpb79

As the PPs said, she needs to get over it and herself! You are doing what's right for YOUR family which is you, YH, and your son. Military life isn't always easy, but she needs to learn to accept the fact that it is now part of your way of life. Definitely stop walking on eggshells around her and be real and straightforward. It won't be easy, but much needed! GL

theaustins05

Are you her only child, or maybe the baby of the family? I ask because my mom was like this when I got married. Just let her know you are going to be a big girl now and your place is with your husband and she can come visit you whenever she can.

proudarmywife08

My mom had a meltdown similar to that when I told her we would not be moving home during DH's deployment. I had to put my foot down and tell her that this is my family and we will decide what is best for our family. It took my mom a long time to get used to the idea that we wouldn't be living at home anymore. Now she just visits us all.the.freaking.time LOL.

I hope you and your mom can sit down and talk about it calmly. 

RodeoRadTech

All you can do is be gentle and firm. You are wise to try and control your feelings but you have to be able to have a rational discussion with her without her shutting you out.  Just keep gently reminding her that when your DH gets home that you have a lot of catching up to do and need time to yourselves to get back into the swing of being your own family.  She probably feels like you are abandoning her and I think she is probably just scared of being so far away from you and your DS.  I know my mom had major fits when we moved away with DD, I think she thought she would never see us again.  I just tried to include her in our plans as much as possible, and it helped to plan visits in advance.  Good luck!

jess932211

Thanks ladies. I'm the middle child but my sister didn't move out until she was 27 almost 28 and that was just this year. I know she needs to grow up but I've always been much more of the parent than she has been. I took care of her and my brother for much of my childhood. I'm just going to try to bring it up more frequently and hoping she will eventually stop having meltdowns. Thank you again

seastar77

Wow. I can't even begin to imagine the immaturity of a parent locking themselves in the bathroom because their married adult child would want to live with their spouse! lol My parents have allowed me to visit for long stretches when DH is away, but they're more than happy to see me go, too : P And right now you'll be within driving distance... what will she do if you PCS across the country? Yikes!

Lissa832

OP, why continue to being it up? Tell her your plans and tell her she can get on board or not. Either way it is happening. I wouldn't keep talking about it.

tlalli7106

I have to say that your mom is the selfish one here. Your husband and your LO are YOUR family now. Is your Mom married, are there any other kids at home? Maybe she is experiencing empty nest syndrome...just a thought. She has to realize that you have a family and have started a life of her own. Although that doesn't mean that she will be cut out of your life for good she really needs to give you your time and space as I'm sure she did when she moved out on her own as an adult. GL!

MrsDuncan

I was in the same boat, living with my mom with a newborn while my husband was deployed. It does seem like she's being pretty dramatic, but do try to be sensitive to her feelings. She's letting you stay with her during a tough time in your own life - and she's right that you should be grateful for that. It sounds like you need to have a level-headed conversation with her to clearly lay out your plans, make sure she understands them, and if she's really not OK with you being on your own as an adult with your own family, maybe you need to consider moving out sooner if possible.  

kelslynie

my situation is so similar. my hubby's in the Marines & deployed. I'm living with parents while I'm pregnant too. my husband is stationed in California and all our family is here in Illinois. I'm going to be driving back to Cali with the baby just a month or two after the birth to set up our house and get things ready for when my hubby gets back there. My mom is fine with us moving back, she just is being very negative and mean about how soon the move is after the birth. My husband actually got so lucky and is being sent home earlier than all the other guys because we're having a baby; and my mom has been nothing but rude about it.

all I can tell you is to try to be understanding. your mom doesn't want her baby (you) and her grandbaby pulled away from her, so far away. try to let her know you understand but also let her know that it's your family. you need to be with your husband and your son needs to be with his father. trying to explain that there's really no choice where you live when in the Marines probably won't help.. it's always been really hard for all of our family to understand that. there's not much you can do but understand her feelings. you're doing what's best for your family.

Tash13

I'm sorry that your mom is reacting this way.  I would try to cheer her up by reminding her how lucky she is.  We live across the country from my parents and they have literally seen my DS less than a dozen times/visits since he's been born.  We try to schedule at least 2 or 3 visits a year but it is still tough.  My dad has actually only seen him once due to financial restrictions.  She has gotten the privilege of seeing your LO every single day, even being apart of the birth (my mom got in 5 days later), and is still lucky enough to be only 14 hours away.  That means she'll still be able to see you for holidays and regularly scheduled visits.  That's almost unheard of, especially in a military life, so she should really start looking at the bright side.  I'm sure she will be extremely lonely and maybe she should start a hobby or get involved in something else to help take her mind off of the empty nest.  Maybe you can also talk to her about using Skype to video chat or have her start scrapbooking so she can do scrapbooks for your LO and feel like she's apart of everything (corny, I know, but it might work).  I hope she comes around soon!

laurakaz13

Lissa832:

What exactly does she expect? She wants you and the baby to live with her forever while you occasionally go on a vacation to visit your husband? I would look at her and tell her to get a grip.

This. Wow. 

laurakaz13

Lissa832:

What exactly does she expect? She wants you and the baby to live with her forever while you occasionally go on a vacation to visit your husband? I would look at her and tell her to get a grip.

This. Wow. 

laurakaz13

Lissa832:

What exactly does she expect? She wants you and the baby to live with her forever while you occasionally go on a vacation to visit your husband? I would look at her and tell her to get a grip.

This. Wow. 

laurakaz13

Lissa832:

What exactly does she expect? She wants you and the baby to live with her forever while you occasionally go on a vacation to visit your husband? I would look at her and tell her to get a grip.

This. Wow. 

jsam0210

tlalli7106:

I have to say that your mom is the selfish one here. Your husband and your LO are YOUR family now. Is your Mom married, are there any other kids at home? Maybe she is experiencing empty nest syndrome...just a thought. She has to realize that you have a family and have started a life of her own. Although that doesn't mean that she will be cut out of your life for good she really needs to give you your time and space as I'm sure she did when she moved out on her own as an adult. GL!

The bold is something serious to consider. Your mom is at a place in her life where she has no choice but to accept that she will be alone again. I would try and be sensitive to her feelings. Selfish or not her actions are just misguided love and probably fear of another HUGE change in her life because of the change in yours. I'm sure she feels she has been going through this journey with you as you have been experiencing it and the end result is a happy one for you and she will be left lonely. It is misguided because that was always going to be the end result, and it is the only rational one. I would maybe try writing her a letter so she cant storm out on you and instead has only the option to read or no to read, or speak to a family counselor in your area and if she has insurance maybe you could both go. I think the biggest thing would be to find her a counselor to talk to so she can adjust to her new lifestyle with a little guidance. Maybe you can find somebody with a military background.