Success after IF

S/O Pg announcements

Since we are all in love here... Do you judge other IFers who get BFPs? Does it depend on where you are in your journey? Has it gotten easier harder ect for you?

A big one for me to swallow is when people get unassisted BFPs, do you intentionally or not think "she must not have been THAT IF afterall"

Discuss!

*Remembering we can not help how we feel. 

Re: S/O Pg announcements

  • When the girls were much smaller they didn't phase me.  I was so happy for everyone.  Now that they are older and no longer babies and I really want another, I tend to feel a little jealous but only because it reminds me that I don't have the choice or option to have another.  I'm still happy for everyone though, just wishing I could join.  :)
    twin girls after 43 months of TTC.. Katherine Emily (5 lbs 12 oz 19 1/4 in) and Karly Elizabeth (5lbs 7 oz 19 in) imageLilypie!!My bio!! !!My Blog!! imageimage

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  • I don't think I judge, but it does affect me.  I'm only talking about surprise BFPs...and the only reason those affect me is becuase we, literally, have zero chance of conceiving on our own.  ZERO.  My husband produces no sperm.  You can't make a baby without sperm.

    So, reading about surprise BFPs does not give me hope...if we had even a 1% chance it would.  But we don't.  So, instead, I tend to feel a little sorry for myself.  But it passes quickly.  Always very happy for the ones announcing, though!

    Childhood cancer (DH) + chemo + radiation = 0 sperm.
    LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
    LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
    Life is beautiful!

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  • So funny that you wrote this, I was thinking about this the other night.

    The miracle BFPs for #2 certainly do get to me.  The petty and irrational litlle devil that sits on my shoulder wants me to think "she must not have been THAT IF afterall"; but the rational, kind little angel that sits on my other shoulder reminds me that I have known these girls and read about their trials since I was a TTC board member back in 2007/2008.

    I guess what sucks the most is the fact that I know I won't get a miracle BFP.  After having Lucas, my body went back to bleeding for 2 weeks and not bleeding for 2 weeks.  It was a total PITA this summer until I realized that I can't live like that and I'm going to need IVF for #2.  At that point, I went back on the pill to keep me regular. 

    I guess the bottom line is that I'm happy for the miracle BFPs, but there is a little corner of my soul that feels sorry for me.

  • I did.  Well, maybe not "judge," but it did sting.  (I'm not sure what the right word is here, actually.)

    Because we were given a 1% chance of conceiving without assistance.  Which, in my mind (at the time), was as good as zero. 

    (And even though we weren't that IF in that we conceived with "just" IUI with injectibles, and not IVF, 1% is 1% - in other words, still equally sucky for purposes of this conversation re conceiving witout assistance.)

    And now I feel guilty because I know I'm one of the people who makes others like I used to be feel bad.

  • I am still coming to terms with being one and done, some days are harder then others. Eventually I hope to be happy with people as they get their second successes, but for right now, it stings.
    A lot of years and a million tears finally led me to you.
    After 7 years trying to concieve, 3 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, my third IVF was a success!
    My Christmas baby turned into a turkey bird! Dillon Richard was born at 34 weeks, 5 days on November 28, 2009 after 10 weeks on bedrest for preeclampsia.
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  • Not yet...my little guy makes me so happy right now (and we aren't ready to TTC again) that I'm truly happy, no jealousy, for all the BFP's right now!  And...honestly...I'm hoping that we don't need intervention for #2...I was unexplained anovulation...so i just keep hoping that everything is "reset". 

     

  • imageGuitaristsGirl:

    And now I feel guilty because I know I'm one of the people who makes others like I used to be feel bad.

    don't you EVER, EVER feel guilty about your miracle.   you enjoy every.single.second.   ok?   You deserve it!

    as for me....

    I try really hard not to make IF into a contest.   When I see surprise BFPs, I get a little jealous, but I don't really "judge" them.    OK, I might judge just *a little* if the IFer was one who got pregnant w/#1 on their first round of clomid or something and THEN got a surprise BFP...     But that isn't usually the case around here.   The body does funny things, and someone could very well have to go through hell and back to get pregnant the first time, and then have a surprise the next time around.   Biology and fertility are strange creatures.   So I don't think it lessens someone's original IF journey or status.  

    I do find myself wishing I could be in their shoes, but I don't begrudge the surprises ONE BIT.   I am so happy for them!!!   I mean, a free baby without shots, drugs, surgeries?!   Amazing.  

    (this also comes from someone who sees my own IF journey as relatively "easy" because we got pregnant on our first round of IVF.)

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  • For me, because I have been TTA for the last 2 years and on BCP, it didn't really effect me that much.  I thought...how nice for them, I hope that happens for me when the time comes.  There was a twinge of thinking that they weren't that IF after all.  But those thoughts quickly left my head.

    I'm going to be going off BCP in a little over a month to TTC #2.  So, I'm thinking that I'll probably get more annoyed/jealous of BFPs after that.  Until then, I just think that I'm happy that we know when the right time is for us!

    Allison
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  • I posted this because I feel/felt everything I posted about. Jealous, guilty, biitchhy, ect. We had a hard time conceiving Nolan, a harder time with Linc, then Bam....

    We are not thinking for now, but I do wonder if Gwen was a fluke, or if something was "fixed" and if it will work again.

  • Honestly, I think surprise BFP never bothered me much from IFers and I don't think I judged (can't remember before I was pregnant w/ or had Toodle since there weren't as many back then, but even then I don't think I was any more jealous of surprise BFPs than of treatment ones, as at the time, a BFP for me without IVF wasn't even a concept to consider so I couldn't be jealous of it).

    Maybe for first pregnancies before very invasive treatment, I might wonder if they weren't as infertile as assumed and it just took some time, but still didn't bother me. Which is strange since I usually consider myself pretty bitter. Maybe because I was ok with doing IVF and we have coverage so I wasn't as upset as I might have been?

    Surprise BFPs for #2 I'm less inclined to wonder about how infertile someone was (and not just saying that b/c I was one, although it doesn't hurt) because I've seen so many whose infertility simply cannot be questioned, i.e. epphd/emmyloustu, who used DE, multipled failed IVFs, having to go to CCRM (think that was em, unless I'm mistaken) that I really do think there is something to the argument that the changes our bodies go through during pregnancy can help many fertility issues, even if temporarily. And I guess that would apply to me as well (and others might agree considering how shocked many here were when they heard we had a surprise BFP), we were never even given a chance of conception on our own at all since we had SEVERE MFI and I literally had not ovulated once in my entire life before Toodle was born. So I don't question my infertility, or others.

    *** It's funny because I'm fat ***
  • imageMouseygail:

    Not yet...my little guy makes me so happy right now (and we aren't ready to TTC again) that I'm truly happy, no jealousy, for all the BFP's right now!   

    This is a good point and I'm sure it helped the fact that I wasn't upset about Surprise BFPs for #2 anytime - when we got ours, we weren't even thinking about trying again yet (and I apologize if mentioning that fact upsets anyone, I try not to mention it much because I don't want to hurt others who are actively trying for #2) but just figured it was so unlikely but if it happened, great. I'm sure things would have affected me differently if we actively were trying for #2 at the time I was seeing others achieve that without effort.

    *** It's funny because I'm fat ***
  • I don't question anyones infertility due to surprise BFP's. However I will admit to jealousy about it. I have wanted to have another baby for about 6 months but we don't have the money to do IVF again yet and that stings. (We have less than a 1% chance of concieving on our own.) I am truly happy for them and wish them all the happiness so there is no malice behind anything.
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  • imageschmoodle:

    and I literally had not ovulated once in my entire life before Toodle was born. So I don't question my infertility, or others.

    this just blows my mind, schmoodle...another amazing story! 

    even though i may feel a twinge of envy, and wish that i had the option to even so much as dream about it (but what good's that going to do in my case?), i, without question, feel so, incredibly happy and inspired by those who experience it.  i am not a petty person nor one to wallow in self-pity...but i'll admit there's a twinge of a  of "sigh...wish it could be me."  but hey, while i'm wishing things i might as well wish that i could have a child with DH at all - unassisted or not!  but that's never going to happen either.  it's just my reality, and i'm okay with it.

    i can live vicariously through others. :)

    Childhood cancer (DH) + chemo + radiation = 0 sperm.
    LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
    LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
    Life is beautiful!

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  • Honeslty, since we have DD now all my jealously has gone away, every last ounce regarding others getting pregnant. Maybe it's because we really don't think we want any more kids- we aren't even trying- there is a slim chance that I could get pregnant on my own, but not likely- but honestly that scares me so much, I really do not want my kids close in age. DH and I decided that in 3 years we would think about adopting again, but it's just thinking.

    I am happy for those who get unassisted BFP, espically after a struggle with IF, but I do feel happier for them when I know they have really struggled- sorry if you just took Clomid I don't really feel for you- try 3 IVF's then talk to me.  I do feel surprise BFP's after IF are "deserved". 

     There is one close family friend who I really don't like and her pregnancies really just irk me! - she is 38 and has had 2 kids (with no issues) in the last 2 years, and she just announced that she's pregnant with her 3rd- it doenst bother me that she's pregnant, but I just am like- "how are you 38 and having all these kids with no assisntace" it kinda grosses me out! HAHA! I also cannot imagine having 3 under 3- that is SO not for me.

     

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  • I think in some ways I feel jealous but not judgey.  I never (or try to never) judge someone else and their infertility because we got lucky pretty early on in our treatment cycles.  And yet, like Schmoodle, I've never ovulated but for the cycle that produced DD.  And even that cycle was a clinical failure.  My IUI was canceled because I had no response to the follistim and my E2 was in free fall.  It was my RE's nurse who called and said trigger anyway and just have sex and see what happens.  So after hours of crying we did...which you can imagine was super romantic.  And surprise. I mean in some ways my IF BFP was a surprise BFP.  At least to me and my RE.  Anywho.... I feel jealous, I'll admit it.  But I'm also really happy.  Frankly, this board has a  lot of $hitty stuff happen to really amazing women and families, so the occasional surprise BFP makes me happy that there's some balance to it all.
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  • imagePrincessShay80:

     "how are you 38 and having all these kids with no assisntace" it kinda grosses me out! HAHA!

    Wait...what? Why does it gross you out? I get being sad about someone with no fertility issues having repeated success without effort, particularly if they are AMA and you are not, but do have issues...but I'm a bit confused about what is gross about someone who is 38 achieving pregnancy on their own? It's not like she's 80.

    *** It's funny because I'm fat ***
  • I do not judge at all.  I think to some extent I am envious of any pregnancy announcement because I loved being pregnant, I love babies, I loved that special time. 

    I did not judge others before my "surprise" BFP, nor after.   I would never think that someone was not that IF because they got a surprise BFP because to some extent that would basically be calling them a fool.  If I look at our experience, for someone on the outside to think that we willingly spent nearly $20,000 and then whoopsie, we were "never really not that IF afterall" is a huge slap in the face.  I believe that pregnancy can really change a woman's body.  Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse (hence secondary IF). 

    It took over four years to be diagnosed with PCOS. We TTC #1 for 18 months, did 5 rounds of Clomid and finally moved onto IVF...which worked! Throughout our IF journey, we suffered 3 miscarriages. We conceived both DD and DS without treatment.
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  • I don't judge, but sometimes I am envious.  Much less so than before my sweet boy, but still a little.  I guess for me, I've never had a successful pregnancy.  So I'm always amazed when people get sticky BFPs.  It just seems so far off/unrealistic for me, and it bums me out my body doesn't "work" and having kids is so ridiculously expensive for us.

    I don't judge unassisted BFPs.  Especially because some of the more recent ones have been true miracles.  But sometimes I roll my eyes if someone only took clomid plus some humping for #1, then you are so surprised for your unassisted second BFP. 

  • imageschmoodle:
    imagePrincessShay80:

     "how are you 38 and having all these kids with no assisntace" it kinda grosses me out! HAHA!

    Wait...what? Why does it gross you out? I get being sad about someone with no fertility issues having repeated success without effort, particularly if they are AMA and you are not, but do have issues...but I'm a bit confused about what is gross about someone who is 38 achieving pregnancy on their own? It's not like she's 80.

    It's not really her age- it's really just her and her husband that gross me out. I don't have AMA and am only 30- so believe me it has nothing to do with that. I have 3 other friends who have had kids unassisted when they were 39- and that didn't bother me one bit- it's just this paticular person.

    Our Journey from two to three! 3 IUI's, 2 IVF's, decided to move to foster/adopt. 12/24/2009 Baby C born, 2/1/2010 placed with us, 5/17/2011 Adoption final- we are finally a forever family! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imageschmoodle:
    imagePrincessShay80:

     "how are you 38 and having all these kids with no assisntace" it kinda grosses me out! HAHA!

    Wait...what? Why does it gross you out? I get being sad about someone with no fertility issues having repeated success without effort, particularly if they are AMA and you are not, but do have issues...but I'm a bit confused about what is gross about someone who is 38 achieving pregnancy on their own? It's not like she's 80.

    It's not really her age- it's really just her and her husband that gross me out. I don't have AMA and am only 30- so believe me it has nothing to do with that. I have 3 other friends who have had kids unassisted when they were 39- and that didn't bother me one bit- it's just just paticular person.

    Our Journey from two to three! 3 IUI's, 2 IVF's, decided to move to foster/adopt. 12/24/2009 Baby C born, 2/1/2010 placed with us, 5/17/2011 Adoption final- we are finally a forever family! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I don't think I judge surprise BFP's (although, I'll admit, I have thought about it).  I'm not even all that envious of "surprise" BFP's.  I am, however, incredibly envious of second BFP's, no matter how that have been achieved, especially now as I'm REALLY STRUGGLING with knowing I won't have another child and the implications of that on my daughter, our family, and our extended family.

    But, since we're laying it out here, I'll tell you what I do judge IF related.  I also try not to make IF a contest, however, I do judge someone who did two IUI's and has 3 children (for example) telling me that they know what I'm going/gone through.  I'm sorry, but, you don't know.  I'm glad that you don't have to know, but, don't think that you do.

  • I am happy for IFers who get pg, no matter how that happens, but I will admit that the suprise BFPs do sting a little.  We are not preventing right now, but our only DX is MFI, and we've been told getting pg on our own would be like winning the lottery.  It does give me a little hope that we have some "lottery winners" on this board, but I really don't think that is going to happen for us.  Like krissyh, I'm still coming to terms with (most likely) being one and done.  I always imagined I'd have 2 or 3 kids.  We are so thankful to have DS, but I myself thinking "this is the only time we get to do this."

    I will say, though, that I don't find the BFPs on this board to sting as much as the ones from friends or aquaintances IRL who got suprise bfps - especially when they weren't sure they wanted another.

  • I can honestly say I have never thought to myself "she's must not have been all that IF".  I don't even really know what that means.

    Are you more IF if you have to have lots of treatments, or if you've never ovulated at all unmedicated, or if your husband has no sperm, or if you had to use DE, etc?  I don't really judge IF that way.  We've all pretty much been through hell to get our LOs, and that counts for a lot. 

    There are some folks who've had a ton of IVFs...is she more IF than me, who never had IVF because I couldn't afford it and there's no IVF clinic within 75 miles of me?  Am I more IF because it took me 3 years to get pregnant with Caroline, and a year to get pregnant with this baby? Does a suprise BFP make you not IF?  Is this really what we think about when one of us gets a BFP, suprise or otherwise?  I hope not.

    I will admit to having been jealous...but not in a begrudging sort of way...but in a "damn, I want to be pregnant too" kind of way.  How could I not be? 

    I am thrilled for every single baby on this board, suprise baby, IVF baby, clomid baby...whatever.   

     

  • I never judged, but did feel envious at times.  This was around was much easier for us, but still not unassisted.  If you are a card carrying member of the IF club, then you get a pass in my booki.  It is my multiple friends who say "oh, he just looked at me" or I plan on getting pregnant around August 12th that hurts.  I try to remind them that it isn't always that easy.  If things had happened like we had hoped, Eli would be 5 1/2, not 2 1/2.  But then again, he is who is and that's perfect.
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  • Jealous, yes. Judgy, no.

    I'm one of those "I wish I was fixed from pregnancy" girls. There isn't any real reason why we can't get pg on our own. We've got a few minor issues (I'm missing one tube, I had/have a LPD, and DH's sperm is a little slow). Even all these obstacles combined shouldn't prevent us from getting PG, but something does. I just hate that in a few months I have to do another IVF. I'm doing it because I want more children, but I just don't understand why we just can't get pg on our own. IF sux!

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  • image*Willis*:

    I don't judge, but sometimes I am envious.  Much less so than before my sweet boy, but still a little.  I guess for me, I've never had a successful pregnancy.  So I'm always amazed when people get sticky BFPs.  It just seems so far off/unrealistic for me, and it bums me out my body doesn't "work" and having kids is so ridiculously expensive for us.

    I don't judge unassisted BFPs.  Especially because some of the more recent ones have been true miracles.  But sometimes I roll my eyes if someone only took clomid plus some humping for #1, then you are so surprised for your unassisted second BFP. 

    This is pretty much how I feel. I don't judge, and I don't disbelieve that they were IF before or anything, but I feel a stab of jealousy that I really don't think I'll ever be able to experience that. I think I probably have surprise BFPs a bit romanticized in my mind, too, which I don't think helps. I mean, even if it did happen to me, it likely wouldn't be a "Hey, I'm late! Maybe I should take a test....wow, I'm pg!" moment, considering you'd have to have a period to be late in the first place.

    And yeah, it does bother me when people get pg on Clomid, have regular periods after giving birth, and then are surprised they get pg w/o IF tx the second time around. But I think that's pretty rare, I think most who start cycling normally after giving birth are hopeful they can get pg on their own and don't just assume they are IF still.

    As for the pain Olympics - I think number one, there is a HUGE divide between women who have never faced infertility at all and women (and men, too, I suppose) who have had to face the possibility that they will never have children. And if you have to do IF tx, even if it's "just" Clomid, you have to face that legitimate fear. It takes you down a scary path mentally and emotionally. That being said, I think there are also divides between each person and his/her journey. The people who do not have insurance coverage are worse off than those who do, those that have to go through injects have it harder than those who pop Clomid, IVF is more intense than IUI, etc. etc. IF, by nature, is isolating since each diagnosis and situation is different. But I think first and foremost is the fact that there are some people who can understand that fear of never having children and some who can't.

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  • I wish it was me that got a surprise BFP but I don't judge others who get them.  Its a blessing when someone with "problems" get pregnant and it really doesn't bother me.  Sometimes I feel sad for myself but I never ever think, oh they must be fertile...ever....

    "I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine

    "All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."

  • I definitely do not judge people based on surprise BFPs or their IF.

    I DO, however, get jealous sometimes.  The surprise BFP's don't sting much right now because I'm just so grateful to have a child.  But I was one of those people who always wanted 4 children.  Unfortunately my body is not good at getting pregnant and is even worse at staying pregnant.  I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I may not get to have more children or I will be lucky to have 2 (living).  When I'm feeling sorry for myself I am jealous of any type of BFPs for 2nd children or more, including people who have 3 kids under 3!

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  • I don't necessarily get jealous about surprise BFPs because we aren't ready for another. I do get jealous about the idea of having fun or not stressing when TTC. I am bitter about that fact that DH and I had to think so hard about TTC, and that doctors/medicine/bloodwork etc had to be involved. I get jealous when my friends (not struggling with IF) get pregnant after just having some fun trying.

    That being said, I do see how pregnancy can "fix" things. I didn't ovulate before getting pregnant. I had maybe 1 period a year. Now that I've had DD, I have regular cycles again. So I can see how these surprise BFPs can happen, even with couples who were previously struggling with infertility.

    I am truly happy for each and every lady on this board who gets pregnant, no matter how it happens!

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  • Having had two "natural" pregnancies I sometimes wonder if other women don't view me as being truly infertile.  However, I know what I've been through and that's all that matters to me.

    Having gone through secondary infertility after having my son I can say that I never really felt jealous for any kind of bfp.  Knowing how much I love my son and love being a mom there is nothing I would want more than for every woman who wants a baby to have one.  Even when we were struggling for #2 and people announced they were pregnant with their second or third I wasn't jealous.  My miscarriages changed that a little bit though.

    I can honestly say that once I miscarried I had a really hard time even seeing the screen names of women who were due around the time I would have been.  I was jealous that their babies were still alive and mine had died.  Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled that they got to have their babies but I still so wish I had mine with me.

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  • imagekrissyh21:
    I am still coming to terms with being one and done, some days are harder then others. Eventually I hope to be happy with people as they get their second successes, but for right now, it stings.

    Ditto.

  • Interesting post. I honestly have not been recently jealous of surprise BFPs because we weren't trying or even thinking about going back to the RE yet and I was super content with being a mom to Eliza. If anything, the surprise BFPs were giving me hope, especially when I would see someone like me who had a less than 1% of getting pregnant. Dh would always warn me that it would never happen for us - not with counts of less than a million and 3 failed IVFs.

    It did, when we least expecting it and it has blown our minds. Even with his varicocele repair our chances were single digits, supposedly. I won't lie, I have guilt. A lot of guilt. I hate for one second that my BFP has caused any of you an ounce of pain and I know it has/does. In fact, someone from my IF past has totally shut me out since my BFP and that kills me...I know people need to process these things in their own way, but it still hurts. 

    Schmoodle - I wasn't CCRM. I had a phone consult scheduled bc they were my next step if my FET failed, but it worked. 

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  • A big one for me to swallow is when people get unassisted BFPs, do you intentionally or not think "she must not have been THAT IF afterall"

    I dont ness. think that, I just get jealous. Everytime I hear a surpirse BFP no matter who they are I am VERY happy for them, but it also feels like a kick in the stomach to me. I cant help but get jealous. IF sucks.

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  • I have admitted to being jealous about the surprise BFPs before and while I wish it weren't true (I'm not proud of those feelings), it does sting.  I am very ready to be pregnant again and have been for awhile, but we won't be able to afford another stab at IVF for a few years, if at all.  And if that one doesn't work, we'll be out of the game.  I want so so badly for Oliver to have a sibling and I desperately want the opportunity to experience parenthood again.  Knowing none of that might happen makes every pregnancy announcement a little difficult, whether it's here or IRL.

    I don't find myself thinking "she must not have been that IF", although I do admit that like some of the others I'm not overly impressed when a Clomid mom gets a surprise BFP.  That sounds sh!tty, I know, but it's true.  On the other hand, when people like epphd and schmoodle get pregnant, I find little to no bitterness at all.  As someone who isn't at all religious, it's hard not to see those situations as miraculous.  I might still be jealous of them, but I don't bemoan those pregnancies at all.

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  • I guess I feel like others' fertility or infertility does not affect mine so I don't give it much thought. I like to see others succeed in their goals. I recognize that not everyone feels that way though and everyone is entitled to their feelings.
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  • I don't judge but it does sometimes sting. And I also get mad at myself because I let myself think, maybe that could be me, get my hopes up, and AF arrives. 
    "Normal day, let me be aware of the treasured day you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart...let me hold you while I may."

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    TTC #1- unexplained...lost left ovary 4/07 IUI #1 2/10/09-BFN IUI #2 3/5/09-BFN IVF # 1-BFP

    TTC#2- FET 4/7/11 BFP, Natural mc 5/5/11 IVF#2 ER 9/13/11, ET 9/16/11, Beta #1 9/27/11 BFP 254 Beta #2 9/30/11 793 -Twins!

  • I got pregnant on the first round of Clomid and got a surprise BFP with DD2. I guess "I'm not that infertile" as some of you would say.  Does getting pregnant on the first round negate the heartache of TTC for almost 2 years.... No.  I was anovulatory before DD1 was born and DH has some issues as well.

    I honestly don't judge, nor did I before my suprise BFP with DD2, when people get surprise BFPs. It makes me happy that person did not have to go through treatments.

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