Emailing with dd's birthmom

Art Teacher

DD's birthmom (Z) and I email each other every couple of days.  We've been doing this since before DD was born. 

We don't have any contact with DD's birthfather.  We did, however, pass on a picture of DD and our email through DD's birthmother.  They are not together anymore, and he lives out of state.  (They didn't really speak much or have contact with each other during Z's pregnancy and after DD was born.)

In our 2nd to last email, Z mentioned that she had been talking (or emailing?) with D, DD's birthfather.  In my email to her, I asked her a couple questions - how is he? And has he asked about DD?  I said that we think of him and wonder how he's doing.

 In her last email, Z didn't answer any of my questions.  I'm kind of disappointed.  I guess I thought it would be nice to be able to tell DD someday that he had asked about her or was thinking about her. 

If you were me, would you ask her again in a later email?  I don't want to 'push' it if it's something she doesn't want to talk about, but I don't want to not ask, either (if that makes sense.)

Any advice?

Dr.Loretta

I'd let her bring it up again. She may be dealing with her own feelings with him. Or he may not be asking about your DD, and she doesn't want you to be upset by that.

Art Teacher

Dr. L...Thanks.  That makes sense.  It might be really hard for her right now or you're right - maybe he hasn't asked about her...

Thanks for responding.

hoping4more

I too would ask again, but maybe wait a bit before doing so?

kmkaull2

I wouldn't bring it up in email.  Who knows how she's really feeling about him (maybe, probably resentful, hurt, etc).  I would consider bringing it up in person or on the phone.  You could gently probe her and see if she wants to talk.  If not, I would let it lie.

We went through this recently, too.  We have never met or spoken to Quinn's BF.  We don't even have a picture.  Q's birth mom mentioned a few times that she'd get us a picture, but never has.  Recently, she emailed and said that BF had texted her and asked us for our email.  She asked if she could pass it along, and I said yes.  Well, she later told me that she never texted him back.

At first I was annoyed.  If this guy is finally trying to get in contact with us, I want him to do so . . . for Quinn if nothing else.  Then we talked and decided that he knows how to find us.  This is an open adoption, he knows our names, and knows the agency name and info.  If he really wants to communicate, he can pull it together and find us.

I guess I decided this because it really isn't BM's responsibility to foster a relationship between the BF and us.  She's trying to move on . . . can't blame her for that.

 Hope that helps a bit!

jacksjerseygirl

We are similar with G's birth mother. During the first year, I would ask about G's birth siblings and try to gain information about them for G. I would make comments about how great it would be to have a picture of them for G. A few times she stated that she was going to take a new picture for me - but nothing ever came of it. A few times I tried to ask questions about birth father specially about medical history - but was always ignored. 

My thoughts, for our situation is, she read what I wrote, asked, requested. Her not responding directly or following through is her way of ignoring or procrastinating talking about the issue.

Every once in awhile if she mentions his siblings (which really never happens),I ask again. Even for this past Christmas she said she wanted to get him something and send it. I told her it really wasn't necessary but if she wanted to - I know that he would really cherish in the future a picture of her and her children. Christmas has come and gone - nothing. 

Anyway ... my two cents are ... ask about the issues when they come up by her but if she doesn't respond, I doubt it is because she just forgot to respond to it - she probably just doesn't want to talk about it. 

Art Teacher

Thanks, everyone, for the input.  (And Jacksjerseygirl, it's nice to "see" you again!)  I'm going to kind of wait and see what happens.  She may bring it up again later or she may not.  If she does, I'll talk to her about it and see what she says. 

I really appreciate all of your opinions/suggestions - thank you.