Having issues with DH? — The Bump
Babies: 0 - 3 Months

Having issues with DH?

DH and I seem to not be on the same page about ANYTHING since DS has been born.   It is SO weird!  I don't think he does enough around the house, and he doesn't think I appreciate the work that he does away from the house.  When he comes home he wants to play with the baby and relax.   I want someone to feed the baby at 3am (I FF) so I can get more than 4 hours sleep at night.  I know a lot of this is me being home with just the baby (he is a pilot- gone 3-4 days a week).  I also know it is just hormones and growing pains.  It sucks, though...I thought these days would be more about us as a family unit.

We were SO good at being a team before LO.  I don't want to end up being bitter, resentful parents.  How do we get back on the same page?

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Re: Having issues with DH?

  • Time and date nights. It takes a lot of adjusting when you bring a child into the relationship. Things have been great between DH and I but this is our second child. We had the same issues when DD1 was born. There was an adjustment period for both of us. Date nights also helped. We didn't necessarily have to go out but turning off the TV, computer, phones, etc and just hanging out playing games or cooking together helped a lot.
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  • I feel similar. I feel like he doesn't help out enough with the baby. Since she was born I haven't woken him up at all for any night feedings (I FF too). I haven't said anything to him about it, but I did let him know that once I return to work he will have to get up, and help out with her more. On the other hand, DH does almost ALL the housework, so Ican't really complain that much (which I don't). I just feel like he's missing out on bonding time with DD. I expected it, really. Guys just take longer to adjust to the dad role, whereas women have it programed in them to automatically be "mom".

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  • Wow, I could've written this!  Thanks for posting.  I've been having the same problems with DH, and it has really been depressing me.
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  • Communication! Talk to each other about how you are feeling and WHY you feel that way.  It won't get better unless you both work at it together.  Good luck and sorry you are feeling this way.
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  • Please read the book baby proofing your marriage.  You'll see what you are feeling is very common.  With DS we almost got a divorce!  It was horrible!  I read that book and felt so much better.  What you are feeling is 100%  normal. 
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  • It is a very difficult transition. You definitely need to speak up about your feelings and work out a compromise as to what is fair. Also, I think a lot of men don't understand how difficult it is taking care of a child all alone. You may want to give him a lesson and leave him alone to take care of LO on his day off for a period of time. He will most likely develop empathy about how difficult your job is.

    I don't get why so many women volunteer all the night feedings just because they are not working. I can see in your case that your DH needs to be alert flying a plane, but I'm guessing the other 3-4 nights he's not at work, he's at home. It was never an option for DH-being a mom is a job just as much as one outside the home is. Of course I tend to do more of the housework but nighttime is a team effort.

    When we're dealing with an infant that isnt sleeping, we do shifts for middle of the night feedings. I learned to go to sleep early, so I'd crash around 730-8pm and DH would take the kids from the time I fell asleep until around 1230. I'd take over the rest of the night until he got up for work. That ensured we both at least got 5 hours of consecutive sleep and helps us both function better.

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