Hurtful friend...how to respond?

Innak0531

Sorry this may be a vent...One of my best friends is a SAHM, today while talking to her she was venting about her sister (a working mom). She proceeded to say how her sister and other working moms can't take credit for how smart their kids are or how great they are becuase we're not with them long enough in the day to teach them things.  I just sat there stunned in silence...My DD is at a great facility with teachers I trust, and she has learned so much in her little life, and I give them A LOT of credit.  But I'm her mother and I too spend A LOT of time working with her, loving her and teaching her. 

 I am still a little taken aback by it all. First what would you have said to her? And how do I not let this get to me...

KAK ;->

I would probably be snarky and make a comment that it's great that she can teach her kids so much and that she should take advantage of this time since her LO is going to be sick a lot during those first years of school and be learning to socialize.

 Okay, maybe I wouldn't but I'd want to. You are right, working mom's still spend a lot of time teaching and loving their kids and we have every right to take a little credit.

Spenjamins

She is just stupid. Don't let it bother you.

Aloe0l

"Guess it's just good genes then!"

 

haha - I guess it depends on how good of friends I am with this person.  If it's someone I didn't really know, I probably wouldn't say anything.  If it's someone I frequently run into, then I probably would speak my mind a little more.  

or - blog about it and be passive aggressive and post the link somewhere she would see it.  

Whoo

Did she ever clue in that you are a working mom and start to apologize?  How insensitive and stupid she is to think she can say those things to you.  I would have told her that I completely disagree with her and that her sister should take credit for her own child.  While a preschool/daycare environment is important to stimulating a child's mind during the day so to is the home environment and relationships in the child's life both of which come from the working mom.   Will your friend be crediting her child's future life success only to the elementary and high school her child attends since those will be her child's "only" teachers?  I doubt it. 

jenuine

And what's going to happen in kindergarten or college when her LO is learning a ton without her holding her hand? She needs to get over herself. You have picked great educators and need to let it go. Be comfortable in your decision as she is going to be insecure some day when she has to let go. It's not worth the energy to stress over it.

Soon2BMrsN

Honestly, as hurtful as those comments are, I'd probably just ignore it.  People can be so self-righteous.

Innak0531

Thanks for the support, I'm going to ignore it...I know this is best for DD and our family right now.  She has a different life and that is fine.  I know that my DD is smart and perfect and I'm her mommy... i just have to keep reminding myself of that :-)

rainydayluck

She would no longer be my friend.

JOEBunny

As a SAHM, that is ridiculous.  I could go into miles of posting about the academics of this, but the truth is that I am not sure I could move past that.  I once had a friend tell me, in a conversation related to her daughter's school, how she hated SAHMs.  I really couldn't get past it.  Respect for one another is kind of key to friendship. 

Edit: Reading the other post, your comments about how SAHM's children are going to need hand holding and be sick and unsocialized is offensive and untrue, so you might want to keep that to yourself.  

jamdv3

Well, this just means the minute she enrolls her kid in preschool/kindergarten, she can't take any credit for any compliments regarding the intelligence of her child.

sdtchica13

JOEBunny:

As a SAHM, that is ridiculous.  I could go into miles of posting about the academics of this, but the truth is that I am not sure I could move past that.  I once had a friend tell me, in a conversation related to her daughter's school, how she hated SAHMs.  I really couldn't get past it.  Respect for one another is kind of key to friendship. 

Edit: Reading the other post, your comments about how SAHM's children are going to need hand holding and be sick and unsocialized is offensive and untrue, so you might want to keep that to yourself.  

You are aware that you are posting on a WORKING MOMS board right? This is where WORKING MOMS share vents and issues; ergo we don't have to keep comments like this to ourselves on this board.

OP, I think I would have made a snarky comment about her kids clearly not learning much from her stupid and uninformed "stay at home mom asss", but I am mean like that, lol.

bunny731

If I SAHM and DH works does this mean he doesn't get to "take credit" for raising intelligent, well-mannered kids. But what I really want to know is what a person gets when they "take credit" other than a lot of eye-rolling from parents with smarter kids.

 

leb2be

ugh...this is one of your best friends?  some of my really good friends are SAHMs and i can't imagine them saying that to me. thank god we are supportive of each others' decisions.   i know you said that you were just going to ignore it, but if she is really a close friend i would think you'd want to address this.  

 

leb2be

JOEBunny:

Edit: Reading the other post, your comments about how SAHM's children are going to need hand holding and be sick and unsocialized is offensive and untrue, so you might want to keep that to yourself.  

this was a defensive response to the op's conversation with her friend.  the poster who wrote this even said she wouldn't actually say this. 

rodiesmum

i would not mind her. or may be at the very least would tell her that what she said offended me big time.

OCNewlywed

leb2be:

ugh...this is one of your best friends?  some of my really good friends are SAHMs and i can't imagine them saying that to me. thank god we are supportive of each others' decisions.   i know you said that you were just going to ignore it, but if she is really a close friend i would think you'd want to address this.  

 

This!! And, it's too late now, but I would have said, "Why are you saying this to me? I am a working mom......." I had a vendor tell me that his wife was a stay-at-home mom and she has the hardest job of all. Ok - I get the saying and where it comes from and I know it is hard work but he said it to a working mom. I said, "You realize, you are saying this to a working mom, right??" He started back pedaling quickly...

sprky79

If this woman is your friend, who are your enemies?

I would have ended the conversation, and would avoid spending time with her in the future.  What a pill. 

duchess0727

Honestly, if it's all about who gets credit for how smart her kid is, then that's pretty freaking pathetic.  Who cares??   I can't imagine being that selfish that I felt like I needed to be the one who gets 'credit' for my kids intelligence.  Wow.

historychick79

If my math is right, there are 168hrs in a week. As a full-time WM, my DS spends maybe 40hrs in daycare (when he's not sick, there's a holiday, or a snow day). That is not even 25% of the week. Even if you only count a 12hr day of being awake, that would be 84 hours (12*7), and then you are still spending 50% of that time with your child. Children are not like little robots where you can program exactly when they are absorbing information, and this all happens only during daycare/working hours. As parents, we are responsible for their diet, their health, their sleeping habits, their manners, the introduction to books, travel, and so many other things. My daycare providers are very aware of which kids have more difficult habits (clingy, aggressive, etc) , and guess what--those all develop from how they are raised at home. Just because we spend a small portion of the week away from our kids (for whatever reason) this does not mean we lose all ability to influence their ability to learn and interact with the world. I'd like to believe that my example will actually show DS over time how important realistic financial budgeting and time management are critical to leading a stable life that has opportunities.

LJR 84

JOEBunny:

As a SAHM, that is ridiculous.  I could go into miles of posting about the academics of this, but the truth is that I am not sure I could move past that.  I once had a friend tell me, in a conversation related to her daughter's school, how she hated SAHMs.  I really couldn't get past it.  Respect for one another is kind of key to friendship. 

Edit: Reading the other post, your comments about how SAHM's children are going to need hand holding and be sick and unsocialized is offensive and untrue, so you might want to keep that to yourself.  

You might want to go back to the SAHM board if you don't like what you see here. Just a suggestion! This IS the WM's board.

To the OP- I'd personally drop her as a friend. Friendship is all about respect, and it's obvious that she doesn't have any for you. I'm sure if you said something equally offensive about SAHMs to her, she'd be upset too.

omalley

I would have a hard time forgetting that she said that so I would either stew about it and bring it back up at the wrong time or I would have to call her and talk about it with her right now.

But unfortunately I do not think anything you say will change her mind or opinion.

kmh2201

Honestly, I'm a bit surprised she would say that in conversation with you, knowing that you're a WM.  I would mention it to her that it hurt your feelings.  If it were me, I would just want to get it out there so that I didn't stew on it and have it make things worse.  I think there are a lot of assumptions/stereotypes that each type of mom (SAHM v. WM) can have about the other type.  But that doesn't excuse inconsiderate comments. 

tosababy

If it was my friend, I would call her on it.

I also would distance myself from her.

In reality, it sounds like this woman is concerned about her child(ren) being behind and maybe even wishing they went to daycare or preschool.

Sweets2005

Just ignore her, that is just stupid. She is probably just insecure. And honestly how much time does she actually spend doing active learning with her LO? Probably doesn't even come close to the amount of time your DD gets (especially if you add in what you do with her at home). I also wouldn't really hang out with her that much anymore. I sorta know how you feel, I have a friend with ONE toddler and she is always making comments about how much she does with her LO (out and about- story time, toddler class, etc) and how I should too but I'm sorry- one child is a piece of CAKE compared to 3 babies! Not that I think I have it harder than anyone but why can't she see it from my POV? I took all 3 to toddler class today and it was exhausting. Anyway, sorry for the rant just wanted to let you know that I get it when other moms say stupid stuff!

OCMom2be

Your "friend" sounds ridiculous! Our DD goes to an IHDC M-F/8 hours a day..the daycare does not teach (it's more of a sitter), therefore, my DH and I teach her everything. Even the DCP asks us who taught her such and such.. she's shown our daughter a few things that are cutesy...but as far as learning skills and development..that would be all us...her PARENTS, and we both work FT. The whole SAHM vs. WM debate is silly.

And really, who is she to say any child is smarter than another?!

AmyCC1980

I agree that what your friend said was hurtful and completely wrong but my immediate thought was that maybe she was frustrated (for whatever reason) with her sister and she thought she was just letting off some steam venting to her best friend.  Maybe it didn't occur to her at the moment she made those remarks that you are also a working mom and would take offense to what she was saying.  (We all have our foot in mouth moments.)  Hopefully her remarks were made in frustration and she does not really feel that way and it never comes up again.  If so, I would just ignore it.  If she says something offensive to working moms again I would absolutely call her on it. 

RobynScott

I'd be really offended too and if I couldn't forget about it I would probably let her know that as a WM, her comment offended me.

Now - total side note - but I LOVE your DD's outfit! Where is the tutu from?  And the babylegs/leggings?  Top?  Love the whole thing!