Am I mean? I need help with my 3yo
I have a 3 & 5 yo. The 5 yo has always been great about taking a few toys out at a a time and putting them back. She helps to clean up all the time, with no complaints. My 3 yo refuses to help clean up her messes. She dumps toys out all over the playroom, and won't help clean up, saying she's "too tired".
She loves TV. I took it away until the playroom was cleaned. After 4 days I sat down with her and we did it together (with my 5 yo). I have put her in time-out, taken away toys, and taken away TV. We make it a game, sing songs, etc.
What is left for me to do?
Today she said she was too tired & hungry to help clean up before dinner. So I told her if she didn't help clean up, then she could go to bed without dinner. So she is in her room, at dinner-time, and still refusing to help clean. I can't believe I am withholding food from a 3 yo - not something I should have said but now how can I go back on my word?
Any advice? My poor DD1 is upset that she has to pay for my DD2's not helping out. DD2 makes most of the mess and DD1 ends up cleaning it up.
Thanks
Re: Am I mean? I need help with my 3yo
Good. Luck. I've had the EXACT same problem with my youngest. I know how you feel. It's annoying but what works best for me is to tell my dd one thing at a time to clean up. such as..."go clean up the puzzle." Two minutes later..."Ok that was great! Now pick up your socks." My dd is totally capable of doing more, she's smart as a whip but will not cooperate when it comes to cleaning up. I often just leave it for when she is more cooperative or else I have to do it along with her.
I think you are being too hard. If the whole room is trashed, that is WAY too much for a 3 yo. Can you try to work with her on putting away a toy when she is done with it.
Do you help at all? Sing a clean up song, make it a game? "I can clean up faster than you?"
I def. wouldn't put a 3yo to bed with no dinner over it, but maybe people think I am too soft. I think people expect too much from these little kids! She's 3
I don't think she shouldn't help at all, but have reasonable expectations.
Thanks, she did end up coming out of her room and put away the doll clothes before she ate supper. I always pick something specific for her to tidy that I know she can handle.
When I put her in time out, she'll stay there for a while, say she is going to clean-up, then clean for 2 minutes, then make a bigger mess. rinse & repeat until we have to go somewhere, have a meal, go to bed, etc, and she gets out of it.
Basically any punishment I give her is really a punishment for my older dd, which is why I feel bad about the whole thing.
I don't see why my DD2 needs to dump toys out everywhere to have a good time.
Holy crap, seriously? I missed this part and that is not only mean but seriously that is child abuse. Your child clearly told you she was hungry and you told her to clean up or go to her room hungry?
This is what I said 1 time:
Me: It's time to clean up your toys. Do you want to clean them up or should Mommy do it later?
DS2: Oh, you can do it later!
Me: Ok (Then I clean them up later, putting them in a bag and on the top shelf of my closet.
Next day...
DS1: Where are my toys?
Me: Oh, remember when you said Mommy should clean them up? Well, I did and when I clean toys I keep them in my closet. You can have them back tomorrow or you can help me do some chores around the house today to earn them back today.
I only had to do this 1, maybe 2 times.....worked like a charm and still does, he thinks it's so funny when I say it now!
Yeah, we've taken her toys away, it doesn't work. In fact, some of her toys are still on the top shelf of my closet. She doesn't care.
I don't want to take away toys that my older dd plays with. She plays with my 5 yo in their playroom all the time. I am not sitting in there with them while they play one thing at a time.
child abuse? eye roll. seriously, what is wrong with you that you would call that abuse? It belittles real abuse.
I was hoping for some magic advice! Everything you've all suggested I already stated that I do :-(
Any other ideas?
You might be falling into the trap of comparing your children. Don't do it! Your 3 y/o has a different personality -they play different, they're good at different things, etc-- than your 5 y/o and that's a good thing.
If the mess is getting to be too much, cut back on the number of toys that are available. Put a few baskets of toys away and rotate what they have in the playroom. That keeps the toys more interesting anyway.
One of our biggest issues were game pieces/art supplies/and puzzles getting stirred into the "toy soup" of our playroom. So I moved those toys to another part of the house (stored in the pantry and used at the dining room table).
And don't deny food. That's never a suitable punishment.
Make tidying up more pleasant. At regular intervals (like before you move on to something fun) put on some "clean up music" and have them race around while you praise them about the good job they're doing. Make a fuss telling your DH about how awesome the playroom looks and stuff like that.
I just did this yesterday. I took out the wooden blocks and the legos and put them away. I'll pull them out at times when they will have to clean them up right away after playing with them (just like puzzles). I also took half the train track away. All my 2 1/2 year old does is walk in and destroy the track. Every.single.day. So, I made it super small. It seems to be perfect for him!
It might not be beating your child but I find sending a hungry 3yo to bed without dinner to be abusive. Physical pain is caused by it, is it not? And psychological pain? I realize that she came out on her own but you did not indicate that you planned on getting her. I understand that we all get to the point of not knowing what to do and make mistakes, I am certainly no expert on disciplining children, not even my own, and I certainly have chosen the wrong consequence for their behavior in the past but I do not think that sending a child to bed hungry is ever an answer.
What was suggested? I said in my op that I did them all.
what else? other than limiting the toys we have out, which was posted AFTER my response, and is still punishing my 5 yo.
We have one playroom, and we have an art table in the kitchen. We also don`t have a lot of storage so I don`t know where I would put half the toys.
So someone else posts - i lost `my temper and spanked my child`and the masses respond with it`s ok, we`ve all been there`.
I note that we were cleaning up before dinner, and my child refused to clean. I reach my point and says she doesn`t get dinner until she cleans. It wasn`t punishment, actually, it was a consequence. I felt bad, and it wasn`t the right choice, but you are being ridiculous to call that child abuse in any form. Seriously.
Sending your child to bed without dinner one night is not child abuse and any social worker would laugh at that. Although not something I would do a child missing one meal will not scar them physically or emotionally for life. So when I make a dinner with stuff I know DD will eat, but she wants a hot dog instead I say no, she goes to bed hungry...Child abuse now?
I 100% agree with this.
Thanks & good point. how long should i keep doing the same thing, it`s already been going on for months. It is discouraging because my older dd is a picky eater and we have been doing the same thing for 4 years and she is still a picky eater. She does not eat any more than she did 3 years ago.
Yes, i have to try hard not to compare them, they are complete opposites!
Limiting the toys doesn't have to be like a punishment. We let the kids pick what they think they play with the most, then the others were bundled away in under-the-bed-boxes. They can have those toys whenever they want if they trade in something else. Rotating toys is a good way to keep them interesting too; it is actually something I learned in my early childhood development class.
Of course it might not be the right thing for you but I thought I'd explain myself!
You sound very frustrated. Sometimes when I'm frustrated about something, DH can help by kind of seeing the situation through new eyes. Maybe that could help>
You took away food b/c a 3yo would not clean up. I hate to be the one to tell you but that is punishing her b/c you did not like her behavior but your behavior was no better and you told her to go to bed without food so that means she could have gone to bed hungry and that would cause pain and therefore is abuse. She came out so you think it worked, it was not abuse only b/c she gave in but it would have totally been abuse in my eyes if she did not give in and you followed through like you said you would.
No dinner is not a consequence, if you said she threw her food and did not get dinner that would be a consequence but YOU threw a tantrum and took away her option for dinner.
And you would NEVER read me say that it is ok to spank out of anger, or any reason for that manner.
No, you offer food so that is not the same. The OP refused to give food b/c a yo would not clean up. Um, that is what 3yos do, our job is to teach them not to take away their option for a dinner. Isn't it our job as a parent to give our children the option of food regardless of how they behaved? This is a 3yo!
And I am not exactly suggesting that someone call DYFS, just that the OP realize that not giving any option of dinner to a hungry child is abusive.
I'd have to say I disagree with your abuse accusation. Bad choice as punishment? Sure. But, she already admitted that before you accused her of abuse. Once she made the threat, she felt she had to follow through. Abuse in your eyes is fine, but can you see at all where it's not actually abuse? It would be one thing if it was something she did several times a week. She said it was not a good choice so why keep going about it?
I agree with EK on this one.