WWYD living situation — The Bump
Military Families

WWYD living situation

DH goes on shore duty soon, so this isn't something I'm going to have to deal with for a while, but I'm just curious what you all would do.

If your DH was stationed somewhere and he'd end up being deployed, would you move with him or move to be close to your family during that time (not move IN with family, just near them)?

I thought about this a lot while I was pregnant. My mom was an Air Force brat and while she didn't hate it, she didn't exactly have a stable upbringing. So, we decided to buy a house where DH is stationed (and also where my family is) because we wanted our DD to grow up and not worry about having to leave people behind.

But, if DH does get stationed somewhere else, I don't want him to miss out and DD to miss her father, but I also want to be close to my family and have them enjoy their granddaughter, niece, and cousin. If I knew DH would be gone most of the time we were stationed somewhere else, I'd probably lean towards staying here and just visiting a lot. If he was on shore duty somewhere else, I'd probably go with him and visit home a few times a year.

What would you do?

It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image BFP: 9/24/11 EDD: 6/5/12 Natural MC: 11/6/11

Re: WWYD living situation

  • So your talking about living full time with your family at home instead of his duty station not just during his deployment right? If so then no. H IS my family now and he comes first as far as time goes and if that means being far away from parents, siblings etc then that's the way it will be. I can always go stay with them while he's deployed or for visits. But I will follow my husband as long as as I can and my family expects that and understands.
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  • imageanabell0920:
    So your talking about living full time with your family at home instead of his duty station not just during his deployment right? If so then no. H IS my family now and he comes first as far as time goes and if that means being far away from parents, siblings etc then that's the way it will be. I can always go stay with them while he's deployed or for visits. But I will follow my husband as long as as I can and my family expects that and understands.

    No, I'm not talking about living *with* your family. Just near them, if you have a chance. But yes, during the whole time he's up for deployment, with visits when DH is not deployed.

    I'm not exactly sure how the other branches (or even certain Navy jobs) work, but in my specific case, when DH is on sea duty, he'd be gone more than he is home. I'd assume that's true for all the branches, but I could be wrong.

    It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image BFP: 9/24/11 EDD: 6/5/12 Natural MC: 11/6/11
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  • My husband is gone enough as it is.  I'm not keeping his wife, or most importantly his children, away from him when he's stateside.  Him, our kids, and I are the family unit now.  We visit grandparents and aunts and uncles when we can, but seeing their father as much as humanly possible is more important. 

    And living apart from her grandparents doesn't mean she won't know them.  When the duo were 4 months old we moved 15 hours away from our families.  We see them in person anywhere from 2-4 times a year.  Even at only 1 they know who their grandparents are.  We talk about them, we show them pictures, we Skype several times a week... they feel 100% comfortable with them when they come to visit.  Their grandparents are very much a big part in their lives, even from over 800 miles away.

  • I am not trying to be mean, really I'm not. But why did you marry someone in the military if you could not handle the lifestyle? I do understand how hard it is living away from family, without your husband there for support. And I do understand wanting to be closer to home so your kids can spend as much time with their parents. But I really think there is something inherently destructive to the ties of a marriage when you are visiting each other.
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  • I don't mean to sound harsh, but you married a man in the military. When he PCS's somewhere, you suck it up and go too. Your parents shouldn't even be figured into the equation. You do what is best for your family together. What is best for your child is to be with mommy and daddy, not mommy and grandma.
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  • I'm sorry. My phrasing was REALLY off and I'll try to explain where I'm coming from.
    I grew up near a military base. We fell in love, bought a house, and DH goes on shore duty soon for three years. He plans to stay here if he can, but who knows.

    DH is on subs, and when he's attached to a boat, he's gone most of the time he's on sea duty. What I've been thinking about is basically staying in our home if he ever does get stationed elsewhere, and when he's in port, going to be with him for however long that is.

    Basically the opposite of living with the parents when DH is deployed. If it was just me, I'd LOVE to go with him, but I'm thinking about my DD. Before we got pregnant, we discussed this, and we both wanted our kids to have a stable home life. That's why we bought the house near my parent's, so they can be there for DD and for me while DH is gone.

    So, I'm not even remotely considering living away from DH while he is in port. Just while he is deployed. I hope that makes better sense.

    It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image BFP: 9/24/11 EDD: 6/5/12 Natural MC: 11/6/11
  • If you're worried about stability, then bouncing around between your parents and your husband when he's in port, is really going against that.  Live in one place.  With your husband.  Go home to visit for a few weeks, or have your family come visit you when he's deployed.  But essentially living in two places depending on whether daddy is at sea or not is going to be more confusing to a young child than comforting. 
  • imageleslie13510:
    If you're worried about stability, then bouncing around between your parents and your husband when he's in port, is really going against that.  Live in one place.  With your husband.  Go home to visit for a few weeks, or have your family come visit you when he's deployed.  But essentially living in two places depending on whether daddy is at sea or not is going to be more confusing to a young child than comforting. 

    I agree with this 100%. 

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    imageleslie13510:
    If you're worried about stability, then bouncing around between your parents and your husband when he's in port, is really going against that.  Live in one place.  With your husband.  Go home to visit for a few weeks, or have your family come visit you when he's deployed.  But essentially living in two places depending on whether daddy is at sea or not is going to be more confusing to a young child than comforting. 

    Ditto this.  Plus, your plan is going to be unworkable once your child hits school age.  As frightened as you clearly are of moving away from your hometown, at some point you're going to need to bite the bullet and really do it.  

  • I don't necessarily agree with the "you married a military man, you have to follow him" philosophy.  I know a few couples that do the long distance thing because it's what is best for them.  One of my girlfriends hold a top level position with Disney and wasn't about to give that up just because she married a Marine.  Another works on Capitol Hill and worked her arse off to get there.  Their husbands respect their careers and they make it work. 

    On the other hand, I was a teacher when I married DH.  I loved my position, but I knew I could teach anywhere so it never crossed my mind to not move with DH.   Now I'm a SAHM and there isn't a valid reason to not be where DH is stationed, but that may change when I finish my doctorate and go back to work.  If your DH ends up with shore duty, I would strongly encourage you to go with him.  If he's going to be at sea for 7+ months at a time, then you have a more valid argument for staying put, at least until the situation changes and he back on shore.  Most submariners I've know have done three months at sea, three months on shore.  If that's the case, I think it would be extremely difficult to sustain going back and forth. 

    From you second post, it sounds as though you and your DH have already discussed and mutually agreed on your plan to stay in your current home and visit while he is port.  Is there a reason why you are having doubts now?

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  • imageSmileyIsMe:

    imageanabell0920:
    So your talking about living full time with your family at home instead of his duty station not just during his deployment right? If so then no. H IS my family now and he comes first as far as time goes and if that means being far away from parents, siblings etc then that's the way it will be. I can always go stay with them while he's deployed or for visits. But I will follow my husband as long as as I can and my family expects that and understands.

    No, I'm not talking about living *with* your family. Just near them, if you have a chance. But yes, during the whole time he's up for deployment, with visits when DH is not deployed.

    I'm not exactly sure how the other branches (or even certain Navy jobs) work, but in my specific case, when DH is on sea duty, he'd be gone more than he is home. I'd assume that's true for all the branches, but I could be wrong.

    Ok yeah still my answer is no. H is in the Navy and currently on sea duty and I live with him in our house where his job takes us. I got married to have my own family and that means leaving my parents behind. Our first deployment I did go home but that's because we had only been here for about a month and didn't even have a house so we saved money while he was gone. From now on I will go to my moms for visits but that's it. Sorry but living how your explaining does not sound stable to me if that's what your trying to accomplish. Part of being married to a military man is following him to where he's sent. My SIL refused to move to Germany with her AF husband so she could stay close to her family and they are no longer married.
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  • I go where my husband is. I might do an extended visit back home when he deploys. Like 3 weeks or so but my home is where he is even when he is deployed.
  • Thanks for the answers. I figured that's what the mentality was, but I bored so I figured I'd ask, anyway.

    Like I said, DH and I discussed it a few times, and we want the most stable home for her. That's why we bought our house. This is the home we created. He and I are from different backrounds. I grew up in one home and that was it. DH never had that, so he wanted his kids to have that stability.

    But, military life isn't exactly conducive to the lifestyle we wanted for our kids. So, he's going to get the same base each time. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't. And if it doesn't, I don't know where I will be if it's a sea tour.

    And also, to a PP, we're considering home schooling, so if we do go that route, that wouldn't be a factor.

    It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image BFP: 9/24/11 EDD: 6/5/12 Natural MC: 11/6/11
  • imagebootsie08:
      If your DH ends up with shore duty, I would strongly encourage you to go with him.  If he's going to be at sea for 7+ months at a time, then you have a more valid argument for staying put, at least until the situation changes and he back on shore.  Most submariners I've know have done three months at sea, three months on shore.  If that's the case, I think it would be extremely difficult to sustain going back and forth. 

    From you second post, it sounds as though you and your DH have already discussed and mutually agreed on your plan to stay in your current home and visit while he is port.  Is there a reason why you are having doubts now?

    I thought I mentioned it, but maybe not. DH is going on shore duty in March. We'll be at the same location we're at now. That's why we bought this house... there was pretty much zero chance of him going anywhere else.

    If he's on shore duty somewhere else, I was absolutely, no question, follow him. My question (though it hasn't turned out that way) was during was aimed at times of likely deployment (Navy it's sea duty).

    I'm not having doubts. I was just wondering what other women would do or have done. We're here for at least the next three years, so things will most likely change by then.

    I just don't see the point in living somewhere besides here while DH will be gone most of the year. That's my way of thinking right now. It could change in three years.

    It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image BFP: 9/24/11 EDD: 6/5/12 Natural MC: 11/6/11
  • imageSmileyIsMe:
    imagebootsie08:
      If your DH ends up with shore duty, I would strongly encourage you to go with him.  If he's going to be at sea for 7+ months at a time, then you have a more valid argument for staying put, at least until the situation changes and he back on shore.  Most submariners I've know have done three months at sea, three months on shore.  If that's the case, I think it would be extremely difficult to sustain going back and forth. 

    From you second post, it sounds as though you and your DH have already discussed and mutually agreed on your plan to stay in your current home and visit while he is port.  Is there a reason why you are having doubts now?

    I thought I mentioned it, but maybe not. DH is going on shore duty in March. We'll be at the same location we're at now. That's why we bought this house... there was pretty much zero chance of him going anywhere else.

    If he's on shore duty somewhere else, I was absolutely, no question, follow him. My question (though it hasn't turned out that way) was during was aimed at times of likely deployment (Navy it's sea duty).

    I'm not having doubts. I was just wondering what other women would do or have done. We're here for at least the next three years, so things will most likely change by then.

    I just don't see the point in living somewhere besides here while DH will be gone most of the year. That's my way of thinking right now. It could change in three years.

    Ah, OK.  It sounds like you and your DH are on the same page and that's what ultimately matters.  Like I mentioned in my previous post, I know couples that have been non-traditional in their living arrangements and their marriages are completely successful - as in celebrating 10+ years together, have children,  and still going strong.  The problems usually arise when the spouses aren't in agreement and hurt feelings and trust issues come into play.

    And you're right, 3 years is a long time.  Who knows how you will both feel then.  I say just enjoy the time you have together now and don't stress until the Navy decides what's in store for your DH next. 

     

     

     

     

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  • Unless there are very unusual circumstances, we will always PCS as a family.  In my opinion, it is much more important for my husband to be with his children than it is for my mom or sister to be with them.

    Yes, this lifestyle can be hard.  Especially for older kids who make friends and establish themselves.  But you can still raise well-adjusted, happy, successful children in this lifestyle.  For me, I would evaluate whether staying in the military was worth it as a family before I would consider geo-bacheloring for many years so that my kids could get more exposure to their extended family.  

    If staying in one location was a priority to my DH and I then he wouldn't stay in. 

  • My husband is a submariner as well, so I'm familiar with the schedule you're referring to and even with that, we will always PCS as a family.  There may be times when one of us moves slightly before or after the other (such as when a move falls mid-year and we stay so the kids can finish out the school year) but we won't do long term geobaching. 

    My children know their grandparents, uncles and cousins well through visits and Skype.  It is more important to me that we have a home for our nuclear family, that when my husband is in port he comes home to us and knows that we have a life there for our entire family rather than living life with him through phone calls and visits.  There's enough of that due to deployments, workups and underways.

    Mama to three boys Nathan Reese 9.05 Conrad Elijah 5.08 Ezekiel Drake "Zeke" 4.12
  • I'm trying not to be rude, but your successive posts have made some, IMO, incorrect sweeping generalizations. If you already knew what the "mentality" was, even if you are *that* bored, why ask? Go read a book, make dinner or play with your child.

    You stated several times that you feel that military families are not stable. My son has a SAHM, a father who has worked for the same employer for nearly 16 years, provides a good salary, housing and medical benefits and the opportunuty to live in different places. His grandparents love him regardless of where we live. He knows who they are when we talk to them on the phone and when we visit with them multiple times a year. We live in one house at a time, with the same furniture and the same love for one another. How is that not stable? It is clearly not your mentality, but it is a VERY good life for us.

    As for your plan, I have a few questions. When your DH PCSs and and is on shore duty, will to you keep your current home vacant so that you can move back as you desire? Do you plan to purchase a second home to ensure "stability" for your family? Which state's homeschooling requirements will you follow? Who will pay to move you and your belongings back to your hometown when he does deploy?

    I understand that family is important. In a perfect world, it would be nice to live closer to family. But, I love my imperfect life. My son has other adults, who live near us, who love him and care for him--like chosen aunts and uncles. As he gets older, he will learn life lessons by moving and being the new kid. It's not all bad!

    I am sorry of this has come across as harsh, but I get defensive when someone implies and/or states that the choices that I have made are bad for my family.
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  • imageSmileyIsMe:
    imagebootsie08:
      If your DH ends up with shore duty, I would strongly encourage you to go with him.  If he's going to be at sea for 7+ months at a time, then you have a more valid argument for staying put, at least until the situation changes and he back on shore.  Most submariners I've know have done three months at sea, three months on shore.  If that's the case, I think it would be extremely difficult to sustain going back and forth. 

    From you second post, it sounds as though you and your DH have already discussed and mutually agreed on your plan to stay in your current home and visit while he is port.  Is there a reason why you are having doubts now?

    I thought I mentioned it, but maybe not. DH is going on shore duty in March. We'll be at the same location we're at now. That's why we bought this house... there was pretty much zero chance of him going anywhere else.

    If he's on shore duty somewhere else, I was absolutely, no question, follow him. My question (though it hasn't turned out that way) was during was aimed at times of likely deployment (Navy it's sea duty).

    I'm not having doubts. I was just wondering what other women would do or have done. We're here for at least the next three years, so things will most likely change by then.

    I just don't see the point in living somewhere besides here while DH will be gone most of the year. That's my way of thinking right now. It could change in three years.

    So in your eyes, those of us that have SO/Dh's that are deployed for 6-15 months straight should not live where the SM is premenately stationed?  I mean they are gone most of the time, oops I mean all of the time.  We should move back "home"?  We should leave the houses we bought, the jobs we found, the church, the friends, etc.  

    A big ditto to Smudge's Mom.

    We don't have kids, yet, but our life is stable.  And the schedule you referred to where they are in and out.  Been there, done that, and did it Japan.  4 days after we arrived in Japan, he was out to sea for 3 weeks.  Then home for less than a week, and then gone for another 2, then home for 2, and then gone for a month.  It was like that for 2 years.  I didn't run home. I stayed and had the time of my life in Japan, and made some amazing friends.  It's what you make of it.

    You do know that Sailors can be deployed to Afghanistan with the other branches right?  So what would you do then?

    IMHO, moving between two places for periods of time isn't stable.  Staying in one place and being part of the community is stable.  The reason I have always stayed where Dh was stationed was so that HE had a home to come home too.  A place that was ours, a place that was familiar, a place that was lived in.  I also get very involved with the community and get a job.  So the area becomes home.  It's how you treat this lifestyle and the choices you make that make it a stable lifestyle, not if they are coming and going. 

    I'm not really sure why you asked since you two have decided what you are going to do.  Plus, why ask if you knew "we" had this "mentality" of following our spouses and staying put when they are deployed?

     

  • WHOA.  I don't understand why people are getting so defensive.   Just because she doesn't think it is the right solution for her family doesn't mean she is judging others for making a different choice.  But everybody sure as heck is judging her for not following her man and making the most of it for HIS sake.  Why does there have to be a one size fits all solution (i.e. follow your man)?  I would rather dig a tunnel to the center of the earth with my tongue than move near family, but I'm not going to think less of those that think it's best for them. And she's not even talking about moving home.  She and her DH are already in their home and will be there for the 3 years he is on shore duty.  She's already in a community where she has formed relationships.  I don't think it's that off the wall to stay put if her DH is going to be gone as soon as they PCS.  

    I honestly find some of these responses to be incredibly antiquated and even contradictory at times.

     

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  • imagebootsie08:

    WHOA.  I don't understand why people are getting so defensive.   Just because she doesn't think it is the right solution for her family doesn't mean she is judging others for making a different choice.  But everybody sure as heck is judging her for not following her man and making the most of it for HIS sake.  Why does there have to be a one size fits all solution (i.e. follow your man)?  I would rather dig a tunnel to the center of the earth with my tongue than move near family, but I'm not going to think less of those that think it's best for them. And she's not even talking about moving home.  She and her DH are already in their home and will be there for the 3 years he is on shore duty.  She's already in a community where she has formed relationships.  I don't think it's that off the wall to stay put if her DH is going to be gone as soon as they PCS.  

    I honestly find some of these responses to be incredibly antiquated and even contradictory at times.


     

    Please point out the contradictory responses?

     

     

  • imagebootsie08:

    WHOA.  I don't understand why people are getting so defensive.   Just because she doesn't think it is the right solution for her family doesn't mean she is judging others for making a different choice.  But everybody sure as heck is judging her for not following her man and making the most of it for HIS sake.  Why does there have to be a one size fits all solution (i.e. follow your man)?  I would rather dig a tunnel to the center of the earth with my tongue than move near family, but I'm not going to think less of those that think it's best for them. And she's not even talking about moving home.  She and her DH are already in their home and will be there for the 3 years he is on shore duty.  She's already in a community where she has formed relationships.  I don't think it's that off the wall to stay put if her DH is going to be gone as soon as they PCS.  

    I honestly find some of these responses to be incredibly antiquated and even contradictory at times.


     

    All of this.  And thanks.

    To a PP, the same could be true if you've set up shop in one area for several years, and DH gets stationed somewhere else and will be deployed shortly after. Do you move right away, or do you stay while he's deployed?

    I'm not saying if DH deploys everyone should move back to their hometowns. For me, that's where I'd go, but I suppose not everyone would. I've already admitted my phrasing was really off. Perhaps I should have asked, "Would you move on with your DH or stay where you've had your home for the past several years?"

    I'm not knocking anyone's decision, I was just curious if there was anyone here out of the norm. That's why I asked. Sometimes people surprise you, in this case, yeah, most of you did surprise me by becoming so defensive. I'm not threatening anyone's way of life. I just asked a question about something that's been floating in mine and my DH's minds.

    And honestly, my question is not all that different than going "home" only during deployments, which is what quite a few of the wives that I've encountered over the years do. I'm a new Navy wife, but I grew up near a base and have seen that situation quite a bit.

    It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image BFP: 9/24/11 EDD: 6/5/12 Natural MC: 11/6/11
  • I think the bigger issue is your reasons why you want to stay in place.  The PERCEPTION that you will be giving your child permanancy is where I have a problem. 

    1. If the future, WHEN (not if) your DH is stationed someplace else he WILL NOT always be at sea.  So when he is between deployments or doing shore duty, you will be VISITING him.  Not living together as man and wife, but taking vacations together.
    2. Your child will be traveling to and from YOUR home to Daddy's home, not the FAMILY's home, since your DH will have to have a permanent place to actually live in when he is on shore duty. 
    3. And just how many trips do you envision between your house and your DH's place?  Its not as if your DH is going for a year at a time.  So how is this permanence?
    4. She will have two bedrooms (if you are lucky enough to afford two places with enough bedrooms to accommodate you all), two sets of friends (if she is in the new place long enough to make friends), new schedules, new smells, new climate, new time zones, etc. Again, how does this create a sense of stability in her life?
    5. And the costs of all this, especially if your DH is stationed cross country or overseas is just staggering for me. 

    Finally, creating two separate live's does not foster a partnership.  You are not living together.  I just see this creating more stressors than achieving that one positive you think you are going to have. 

     

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
  • imagebootsie08:

    I honestly find some of these responses to be incredibly antiquated 


     

    Not to throw this back at you, but the whole concept of marriage is "antiquated".  Being married means being married.  If you don't want the full trappings of the antiquated concept, then why marry in the first place? 

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
  • The difference between people moving home for deployments, and you travelling back and forth when he's on sea duty, is that moving home for a year is a lot more permanent and stable to a child than travelling back and forth between 2 homes every few weeks.  Do what you want, it's your family and your kid.  I'm just saying that if your goal for your child is stability, moving her back and forth constantly depending on whether daddy is on land or at sea, is not stable. 

    As for the "antiquated" comment... I see nothing antiquated about doing what you need to do for a child to see their father as much as possible.  For me this isn't about a woman "following her man" at all (though if you're against the idea of that, why get married at all, especially if one of you is in the military?).  This is about doing what's best for the child, and I fail to see how moving her back and forth every few weeks would be more stable than just living where he's stationed. 

    But like I said, your family and your child so do what you want.  You asked what people would do and they told you.  Sorry it didn't line up with your plan.  ::shrugs::

  • imageSmileyIsMe:
    imagebootsie08:

    WHOA.  I don't understand why people are getting so defensive.   Just because she doesn't think it is the right solution for her family doesn't mean she is judging others for making a different choice.  But everybody sure as heck is judging her for not following her man and making the most of it for HIS sake.  Why does there have to be a one size fits all solution (i.e. follow your man)?  I would rather dig a tunnel to the center of the earth with my tongue than move near family, but I'm not going to think less of those that think it's best for them. And she's not even talking about moving home.  She and her DH are already in their home and will be there for the 3 years he is on shore duty.  She's already in a community where she has formed relationships.  I don't think it's that off the wall to stay put if her DH is going to be gone as soon as they PCS.  

    I honestly find some of these responses to be incredibly antiquated and even contradictory at times.


     

    All of this.  And thanks.

    To a PP, the same could be true if you've set up shop in one area for several years, and DH gets stationed somewhere else and will be deployed shortly after. Do you move right away, or do you stay while he's deployed?

    I'm not saying if DH deploys everyone should move back to their hometowns. For me, that's where I'd go, but I suppose not everyone would. I've already admitted my phrasing was really off. Perhaps I should have asked, "Would you move on with your DH or stay where you've had your home for the past several years?"

    I'm not knocking anyone's decision, I was just curious if there was anyone here out of the norm. That's why I asked. Sometimes people surprise you, in this case, yeah, most of you did surprise me by becoming so defensive. I'm not threatening anyone's way of life. I just asked a question about something that's been floating in mine and my DH's minds.

    And honestly, my question is not all that different than going "home" only during deployments, which is what quite a few of the wives that I've encountered over the years do. I'm a new Navy wife, but I grew up near a base and have seen that situation quite a bit.

    The first bolded, it's happened to me 3 out of the 4 duty stations we have been at, I have stayed put.  I don't see the point in moving "home," not cost effective in my eyes.  But home for me is Wyoming, so no matter where we are it's far away.  Staying at pervious duty station, not worth it either.  I'd rather be able to spend as much time as possible with my Dh before he leaves.  I say that because I don't get to spend a lot of time with him when he is home.  So yes, I'd rather follow him and be with him than stay put.  Also, I never suggest moving home during deployments to anyone.  Going to visit for a long visit, sure, but move, no.

    Not everyone knows when they are deploying either.  So you can move to where ever and think they aren't going anywhere for awhile and then your DH comes home and says, "I'm deploying in 10 days!" or whatever the number of days or months.  It happens, things open up and people are needed.  This has happened twice to us.

    To the second bolded, I would go with him.  Again, I get to spend little time with him so why would I take away possible time I have with him?  I guess part of it is when I decided to marry him, I decided that I was going where ever he was going if I was allowed.  That was my choice.

    I think people maybe got defensive, myself included if you read it that way, is by your word choices, and then you saying that you should have expected the responses you got, because of our "mentality." 

    llumine brought up some great points.  My biggest thing is the cost.  Is having two households cost effective?  Two budgets for food, the cost of gas for your trips?  Those are things to consider.  Geo bachaloring can be tough on the finances. 

    You have made your decision.  I don't really care.  But I think you have a skewed view of the military.  You have to be flexible in this lifestyle and it's what you make of it.  You create the stability not the military. 

  • I would have to agree with several of the PP...DH is my family now and one day when we do have a child they will be my family and #1 priority. My parents have each other and realize that when they gave me away at our wedding I was starting a family my own...
    TTC our first Navy baby! Me:27 DH:30, together since 8/2003, Married on 7/2006
    9/26/10 stopped BCP and started TTC.
    9/2011 referred to RE. All blood work normal and DH's SA=normal results
    11/2011 HSG=both tubes clear
    One natural (monitored) cycle of Clomid, 50mg 2/2012= BFN
    Getting ready for first IUI, 3/2012 received orders to Japan! (postponed IUI)
    5/2012 Moved to Japan, fought Tricare for months over referral (no fertility treatment on our military base) for Japanese RE out in town!
    8/2012 Started seeing new RE
    9/2012, post coital test= hostile cervical fluid, (finally) moving on with first IUI!
    9/29/2012 IUI #1+trigger= BFN
    10/27/2012 IUI #2+100mg Clomid CD5-9+trigger= BFN
    11/28/2012 IUI #3+100mg Clomid CD5-9+trigger= BFN
    12/28/2012 IUI#4+100mg Clomid CD5-9+trigger=BFN
    2/1/2013 IUI#5+injectables+trigger=BFN
    3/2013 IUI#6+injectables+trigger=???
    image
  • As an adult that grew up in a similar situation, I find the most stable household was when we were living on base and my dad was coming home to us every chance he could.  I had a home (and a new home every 3 years or so) and I saw my aunts, uncles, grandparents once every 3 years or so typically when we moved.  The military bases became my home.  The kids my support group.  Living on or near a military base ment that my friends understood what I was going through with dad gone for a year plus.  They were my support system and it was much better than living near family as they were my same age.  I went to a few non DOD schools growing up where this wasnt a factor and the kids didnt understand... it was harder on me then than at schools with an overwhelming support group of other military kids and Teachers that understood the military life.  This being said, my life was stable.  I was and still am at home at every military base I go to.  I learned that a house was a house, but a home is where my mom, dad and brother are, no matter where in the world it is.  That being said, I am also at home in many countrys that I wouldnt have been at home in if we didnt travel so much.  Is it hard? Yes.  Would it be easier to have lived away from the place my dad calls home just to be near other family?  No.

    Just some thoughts from a childs point of view... Oh and the only move I ever protested was when I moved to Alaska from Wyoming in the middle of my Junior year of High School... The others were Adventures!

  • This.
    After two losses, a rainbow arrived! DD born 11.5.11
    Dx with severe Asherman's syndrome after a botched PP D&C (pursuing med mal)
    Hysteroscopy Oct '13, not enough progress 
    Hysteroscopy Jan '14, given an end-of-the-road diagnosis
    Joined International Asherman's Association April '14 
    Not ready to give up yet.
    Hysteroscopy with Dr. Isaacson (an expert in the USA) 6.2.14: Good prognosis, at least 50% of cavity open.
    Repeat hysteroscopy scheduled with Dr. I on 6.16.14. Great progress. Unbenched!!!!
    Discussing actively TTC with DH after the heartache of the last year. We're both reeling.
     
    Please, please, please. 
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