I Need Help - Separation Anxiety

webMistress0609

I need any & all tips for dealing with a peak in separation anxiety. I know this is a phase, yadda yadda. This is really bad though - Ari has been refusing to go to sleep for over a month now (we've had bedtime battles for months, now we're just getting outright refusal), saying "stay with mommy?", meals are a battle too b/c he doesn't want to sit in his high chair ("sit mommy's lap"), he's basically whining/crying for mommy's attention all day.

I've been wearing him extra, making sure I give him as much of my undivided attention when I'm off work as possible, & we've been co-showering several nights a week as well as I've found it calms him before bed.

Is there anything else I can do to help Ari while we're in this phase? 

MrsAmers

Big, huge, hugs! I wish I could give you one in person because toddler separation anxiety SUCKS!

I say this as we just exited a 6 month long phase of it with Todd. It had it's ebbs and flows, but 15 to 21 months with him was just one long challenge for sleep and nursing. And the peaks in separation anxiety after days when I was already crawling out of my skin from too much nursing and not enough sleep left me a crying mess a number of times.

I will admit, that there were days that Todd saw more TV than I would normally want a toddler to watch. It was the only way for me to get an emotional and physical break...and my sanity was more important than whether he saw another episode of The Cat in the Hat. I'm not proud of it, but I felt it was better than being a crying mess in front of the kids!

Try to remember that a toddler in separation anxiety is not going to be thankful that you are giving them 90% of your attention. They are going to wonder why they can't have that last 10%. At some point, you just have to acknowledge that you've given as much of yourself as you can give and accept that he's going to be unhappy. It sucks, but you will get through it. I started sending daddy in to do bedtime after I had been in trying for 90 minutes. Todd would initially be mad and eventually pass out because he was tired from fighting sleep for so long.

The fabulous news is that Todd is now 21 months and a few days before he hit that mark things totally changed. He stopped asking to nurse randomly throughout the day. All sessions for the past week have been before sleep, after sleep or after work. He's less clingy, he's more accepting of daddy and he is just in general less emotionally draining than he was 2 weeks ago. AAaaaaaand, best of all, he's down to just ONE night nursing session after DADDY puts him to bed. It's still not perfect, but he's made some real progress.

I'm really sorry that it is so hard right now. All I can do is guarantee that it will get better.

WyoGal

I'm going to lurk for more tips, but sounds like you're right on track.  Right now M is going through some major tantrums at transitions and some clinginess so we've been working really hard at communicating everything ahead of time and giving him boundaries like "right now, mommy has to do the dishes.  You can stand next to me and play in your cupboard, but I cannot hold you until I'm done."    He's also started to have difficulty when I leave him at daycare so I start narrating in the car "Do you remember where we go in the morning . . . you're going to see your friends . . . what's the first thing we do when we get there . . . etc."  

I also talk a lot about time or count and try really hard to follow through like "mommy needs 2 mins. to finish this project, when I'm done we can play together" or "after mommy counts to 10 she can come help you" and really sticking to it.  I never time and always try to undershoot so he realizes I always come back but need my space and time.  When he is patient I try and make a big deal about how thankful I am for his waiting for my attention.  It only works for really short durations right now but the hope is that I can stretch this out over time. 

I feel like I'm narrating my entire day but I think it helps calm M and prepare him for the next task at hand, with or without mommy. 

webMistress0609

WyoGal:

I'm going to lurk for more tips, but sounds like you're right on track.  Right now M is going through some major tantrums at transitions and some clinginess so we've been working really hard at communicating everything ahead of time and giving him boundaries like "right now, mommy has to do the dishes.  You can stand next to me and play in your cupboard, but I cannot hold you until I'm done."    He's also started to have difficulty when I leave him at daycare so I start narrating in the car "Do you remember where we go in the morning . . . you're going to see your friends . . . what's the first thing we do when we get there . . . etc."  

I also talk a lot about time or count and try really hard to follow through like "mommy needs 2 mins. to finish this project, when I'm done we can play together" or "after mommy counts to 10 she can come help you" and really sticking to it.  I never time and always try to undershoot so he realizes I always come back but need my space and time.  When he is patient I try and make a big deal about how thankful I am for his waiting for my attention.  It only works for really short durations right now but the hope is that I can stretch this out over time. 

I feel like I'm narrating my entire day but I think it helps calm M and prepare him for the next task at hand, with or without mommy. 

We've been doing a lot of narration too. That seemed to work pretty well at first, now he just starts a temper tantrum the second I say "mommy has to..."

I've been trying to set some boundaries too, but it's not working very well. Like at dinner, he'll sit in his highchair for maybe 5 mins, then scream if I won't let him sit in my lap. This isn't like, scream for a few seconds or minutes, this is scream the whole time I'm eating. 

This too shall pass, this too shall pass...

konaboomom

My DD is much younger than Ari, but I have a little idea...it may help or not. I have read that it sometimes helps LO's to have a piece of mommy's clothing to hold onto when you aren't there. So maybe let Ari pick a t-shirt that is yours and tell him it's his "special" t-shirt. His special shirt connects him with mommy, even if you aren't in the room. He can whisper to the t-shirt, give it hugs and kisses and you will know you are thinking of him, and vice versa. Whenever he snuggles it, you know he is thinking of you. And like you said, this too shall pass. A daily mantra in my house.

WyoGal

webMistress0609:

We've been doing a lot of narration too. That seemed to work pretty well at first, now he just starts a temper tantrum the second I say "mommy has to..."

Ah ha!  That's probably what's next for us and the re-direction/distraction ship has practically completely sailed for M.  He's a very determined child.  I think I just got to a great chapter that addresses this in RaSC.  If I glean any other ideas I'll pass them along :-)

webMistress0609

WyoGal:

webMistress0609:

We've been doing a lot of narration too. That seemed to work pretty well at first, now he just starts a temper tantrum the second I say "mommy has to..."

Ah ha!  That's probably what's next for us and the re-direction/distraction ship has practically completely sailed for M.  He's a very determined child.  I think I just got to a great chapter that addresses this in RaSC.  If I glean any other ideas I'll pass them along :-)

What is RaSC?

webMistress0609

MrsAmers:

Try to remember that a toddler in separation anxiety is not going to be thankful that you are giving them 90% of your attention. They are going to wonder why they can't have that last 10%. At some point, you just have to acknowledge that you've given as much of yourself as you can give and accept that he's going to be unhappy. It sucks, but you will get through it. I started sending daddy in to do bedtime after I had been in trying for 90 minutes. Todd would initially be mad and eventually pass out because he was tired from fighting sleep for so long.

Thank you for this. We hit 20 months tomorrow, so I'm hoping this phase will wind down soon. Ari's always had more separation anxiety than most kids when it comes to mommy time, but dealing with his "normal" is way better than this. 

Quazel

I have done a lot of narration too.  One thing that helped us with sleeping was letting DS lie on my pillow.  I guess the smell and kind of sleeping like Mommy really helped.  I tried putting it in his toddler bed but I guess it isn't Mommy's then because that failed!

I also trying telling him what we are going to do next with the narration.  For example: Mommy has to fold this laundry then we are going to take it upstairs.  Are you ready to do the steps?  I have to be careful with what is coming next.  Sometimes he gets really excited, other times he wants it right away and then freaks out when he has to wait a few minutes.

Do you rotate toys?  We haven't tried that yet but I have heard it is a good way to get some independent time.  If the toys are new and interesting every day or every few days, they want to explore them a bit more.

GL!

WyoGal

webMistress0609:

What is RaSC?

Raising a Spirited Child :-)  I just hit the chapter on persistence, which is at the heart of M's tantrums.  When it involves leaving me it just gets worse.   Then again, M's separation anxiety comes across more as anger/tantrum from not getting his way which I assume is masking sadness, fear or emotional needs.

Harper'smom

We went through it too and then it passed and now it is creeping back up. I googled "children's books on seperation anxiety" and a lot came up including this link https://www.education.com/magazine/article/books-ease-separation-anxiety/ Most of the books are geared more toward the pre-school set but it wouldn't hurt to incorporate something like this into Ari's library. Or, maybe you could have Ari "help" you  make a little book geared more towards the situations that come up frequently in your daily life.

Sorry it is so tough right now.