Major Lurker. Question.
old_time_girl
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I've been lurking on here since I found out I was pregnant. My mother was very AP with all 3 of us kids and so it just feels natural to continue with what I remember of mom's parenting, and of course her help on certain topics I may not remember once the baby is born. Mom started out as a working mom until my older brother was 1 and then stayed home with us. We were homeschooled and we didn't have any family close. (all over 800 miles away) Well, being married to a man who's entire family is within 30 miles of each other, it's kinda hard for me to get used to all the family functions. Or I guess, HOW they function. I'm so used to just doing our own thing...anyway, us kids were never left with a babysitter or family member until I was 8 at an Aunts house overnight and my brother spent a week in FL with my Grandparents when he was 10-11 ish.
All this to say, I don't have a good relationship with my MIL. DH finds her stressful too, but he's used to it (his words) My bad relationship with her started when she told me she wished it would rain on our wedding day so we wouldn't be able to have it outside, 'cause she wanted it inside were it wouldn't be as hot. (It was 70 on our wedding day)
MIL is THRILLED about us giving her a grandchild. And that's what it feels like, giving it to her. We haven't bought a single thing yet because I've been researching and thinking and she's bought SO much stuff. Told us she was looking at cribs to put at her house and has already bought a pack n play and told us we could borrow it if we ever needed to.
I really don't know how to tell her we won't be leaving the child with her. I don't feel comfortable with that. I don't feel comfortable with HER. We already don't spend time there. She's only 12 minutes away and we might stop for 30 minutes to an hour tops. she's gone from not talking to me at all, to texting me daily about the baby. I put up a post (yeah, it was probably nasty, I was venting) on the July 2011 boards about it and got yelled at about how much I would LOVE to leave LO with a free babysitter. I was hoping to get some feed back from you guys to see when/if you left LO with ILs overnight or even for a few hours? Is it ok for me to tell her we won't be leaving the child there? Someone said I needed to be a nice person and let her have time with her grandchild, but I'm sorry, this isn't about her. This is us, raising our child the way we see fit....Right?
Sorry for the book....this has been bugging me for a while.
Re: Major Lurker. Question.
Sorry you are having MIL issues. To answer your question...I personally did not feel comfortable leaving kiddo overnight while he was nursing. Just in the last month was he away from me overnight (and he was with DH). I might have been open to leaving him with someone after he nightweaned that wasn't DH if there was someone he had a good, comfortable relationship with - but there wasn't (our family is all OOT).
For the few hours question...the ILs had him once for a few hours around 5 or 6 months when they were visiting and we went out to dinner. But it's not anything I've felt obligated to do. She can have time with her grandchild - you don't have to be away for that to happen. And It sounds like maybe your DH should have a talk with her about building a relationship with you first - I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable ever leaving my child with someone who I didn't have a strong, trusting relationship with - and I wouldn't feel a bit guilty about that!
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If there are a lot of family functions it will be nice to have a place for the baby to sleep while you are there. I don't think you have to tell her that you don't plan on leaving the baby there.
Your last sentence is absolutely right-- this is about boundaries and YOU are the parents, although those boundaries don't really have anything to do with AP, really-- just you establishing your own rules as parents, ya know?
You and YH need to sit down and talk about all this (if you haven't already) and once you're on the same page, be up front and honest re: expectations with your MIL. Three areas that already pop into my head relating to how close she lives to you:
1) Establish whether or not you want her in the delivery room and tell her your decision--don't leave room for negotiation.
2) Establish some sort of rule re: visitors once you're home w/ the baby (such as "call 2 hrs before you come over" or "no unannounced visits" etc) -- and be firm with her.
3) Reiterate what you've said here that you don't want your baby doing overnight visits any time soon and that you'll revisit the issue when you feel more comfortable--on your OWN timeline, TBD.
It will be much less painful for all involved if you establish your boundaries now, and make it clear to her exactly what you expect (and don't expect) from her. GL. My MIL is awesome but DH and I have already talked at length about how to handle this with my own mom.
I think you should try not to let this stress you out. You don't have to have the discussion with her about what you plan to do. When you are over even for 30 mins you may want to use the pnp so no worries there. Also this could be the start of a new relationship with her. Since she is trying to reach out to you and have some relationship with your child.
As for free child care, trust me I would rather pay than have my child be with someone who does not respect me or my wishes. I have zero relationship with my MIL, she is super crazy and she is not going to ever keep ds but I don't have to tell her that for that to be so. GL with the situation.
With me, I haven't left C overnight yet. He's nursing, and I don't see leaving him overnight for quite some time. I've left him only with my mom, and that's only a couple hours at a time so I can go see a movie with DH.
FIL lives in town and has brought up babysitting, but I've just changed the subject. It's going to be a LONG time before I trust him alone with my child.
You can use BFing as an excuse (he won't take a bottle, you don't have a pump, whatever), but if she is insistent and pushy, your husband will have to talk to her about it. If you say something, you'll be the awful woman keeping her from her grandchild. This is your DH's mother, and his situation to handle.
all of this. i will add that everything changes when you have a wee one. everything you thought you'd definitely do, you may not wind up doing. and everything you swore you'd never do, you may find yourself doing. so don't make yourself, or your MIL any promises. don't make any plans for leaving LO with MIL, but don't rule it out either. you never know, maybe she will really step up and be a lifesaver after child is born.
with that in mind, i never have and never will leave LO alone with my MIL. she nags us about it constantly, but it's something husband and i wont budge on. like yours, my MIL is only a few minutes away, so we try to get together with her semi-frequently- weekly, possibly bi-weekly-- for dinner at our house or something.
good luck mama!
I grew up in NZ and all our extended family were in England. So like you, our family unit just did our own thing and my parents never had to worry about in-laws, family politics etc etc etc.
My parents also never left us with anyone. I've always been taught that you keep your kids close.
I've left LO overnight once and that was with DH. I've left her several times during the day with my parents.
My MIL lives locally and I have no intention of leaving my children with her, ever, I don't trust her and I don't like her.
I have never brought it up with her. We've simply never asked her to babysit. once or twice she's alluded to the idea of her baby sitting. She suggested once that we leave LO at her place and go run some errands, as LO was napping. We just shrugged off her offers and said thanks but no thanks.
So my MIL isn't very pushy, which may have made it easier so far, but basically we've just also politely turned down the offer. We never made a big deal about it.
At one point she was looking into buying a carseat. (I have no idea why). DH said there was no point as they're expensive, you can't buy them second hand and she could just use ours if it was ever needed. We left out the part where we're 90% sure it will never be needed.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
I don't blame you for not wanting to leave your LO overnight with your MIL. We haven't left DS overnight with anyone yet & I don't plan on it anytime soon. I won't leave him with my mom whom I trust, & defintely not with my MIL who I would never even leave him alone with, not because I don't like her, but because we aren't close & DS barely knows her. I could never leave him in that situation.
When I was pregnant my mom also went crazy & bought a PnP & was trying to buy a crib for her house for all the sleepovers she planned on having with my DS. Because I'm close to her I felt comfortable telling her to hold off on the crib because I wasn't sure how soon I'd be OK with leaving him overnight. But with everything else that she wanted to buy, I just let her. DS isn't there that often & she definitely doesn't get her money's worth, but she doesn't care.
I don't think you need to come out & say "LO won't be spending the night at your house or any time alone with you". She's going to do/buy what she wants no matter what you say. But once LO arrives, bottom line is you are the mom, you make the rules about LO. No matter how much she badgers you, you do not need to leave LO at her house overnight or even just for a few hours. That doesn't mean that you're keeping her grandbaby from her, as you can all visit together as a family, but just let her know that you're not comfortable leaving LO. And don't let her make you feel bad about it.
Stick to your guns. Grandmas can be pushy, but it's your baby & at the end of the day you've got to do what feels right for your family.
We didn't leave DS overnight with the inlaws, or my parents, until this past summer when he was about 18 months. We left him for two nights. We left him alone with my parents when he was about four months old for our anniversary but it was only for about two hours. My parents bought a PnP when DS was born for when we stay the night at their house. But we all go over there, not just DS.
MILs are really pushy. My mom is was more relaxed with giving advice. MIL always puts in her two cents. I would advise your MIL to save her money and just get the PnP, if she's really itching to get something. It can be nice to have a safe place for an older baby to sleep when you visit non-babyproofed places. And you never know, she may surprise you. My MIL drove me nuts before DS was born and until he was about a year old. Now she is the best. She is the one to email me new articles on the weirdest things that I don't have time to research. She found the music class that DS is in at the university and now they come and I don't have to do a thing. You have to remember that she raised children too. I'm not saying to let your LO stay overnight yet, obviously. But maybe around a year start thinking about some lunch dates while she watches LO. It really does take a village and it's easy for us moms to forget that.
I never have and probably never will leave my LO with my MIL. Not because she's super crazy or anything, but she has her ideas of parenting and they are generally exactly opposite to mine. (She thinks breastfeeding is selfish, that I spoil DD and that co-sleeping will ruin our marriage (okay may she is a wee-bit craaazzzyyy))
I'd rather pay money to have someone watch my dd who will respect me and the way DH and I choose to parent. You get what you pay for in terms of "free" babysitting. That being said, she's 10 months and has never been left alone with anyone (unless DH counts). There is nowhere that we have yet wanted/needed to go that she wasn't a part of. My parents were the same way though. I never slept over my grandparents house without my parents being there, ever.
What I'm saying is that it's not a given that you will have to leave them alone together and you don't need to let her or others tell you it is.
I don't think you need to spell it out for her, just be firm and make sure you and DH are on the same side.
You might offer to let her come to your house and "babysit" while you jump in the shower/do laundry/cook dinner once in a while. The extra hands will be nice, she'll feel useful, and you'll be there to monitor.
Breastfeeding really is an awesome excuse though, you can't go far from baby when their food source is attached to your body.
Also, when your LO comes, your MIL might realize really how much work babies are. Sometimes women forget and gloss over the hard parts. It can really be exhausting! I know how much my mom loves her grandbaby, but a coupla hours with DD (even with me being there) wears her out! She's happy to hand her back over after a little while. Your MIL might get a reality check like this
We left DD with my parents around 8 weeks to go to a wedding and have left her for many weekends and even a week since then. So I don't have a problem with that (and she was EBFed for a year...no issues with leaving her).
I do think you need to let your MIL have a relationship with her grandchild. Kate loves both sets of parents, and she is very comfortable with them. They have a great relationship and it's because they spent a lot of time with her when she was little. I don't think it's a good idea to not allow kids to be with family. Ultimately, it's your decision (with your husband) but it's not the one I would make.
I honestly thought I would have no trouble leaving DD with a babysitter. HA. Then she was born. I've left her twice with my mom, and once with MIL (just to go to dinner). And I really can't imagine leaving her overnight. My mom is dying to have her for a weekend, and I said, "Maybe when she's 18."
But, we are still night nursing, and DD won't take a bottle, so she can't really argue with that. So, I don't leave her overnight, period, and I have a great relationship with Mom and MIL.
Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with leaving your child overnight with someone you trust ... it's just not something we're ready for yet.
Thank you ladies so much! You're making me feel better about this. DH and I are totally on the same page. We just really didn't know if we should address it and kind of steer her away from spending money on a crib when she might want to spend it on other things, or just let her do what she wants 'cause that's what she'll do anyway. Thanks for not making me feel like it's my job as a DIL to keep her pacified, it's DH and my child. Our first at that and DH is already trying to inform her that we need bonding time after the baby gets here and she can visit when it's convenient for us. (Summer baby + MIL that's a teacher = MIL has lots of free time)
Also agreed that I would much rather pay someone to babysit who will follow how DH and I are parenting, not take the alone time as an opportunity to introduce what they think is best. But as someone said, after the baby is born I may feel differently.
I haven't read all the responses so sorry if this is super repetative.
I have a sort of similar situation. I actually love my MIL but I was also raised in a sort of AP fashion without a ton of family involvement and DH's family is more communal in their raising of children. I definitely love having people who want to babysit DD and take advantage regularly as I need it (and yes, you do need it). However, it took me awhile to feel comfy leaving her with MIL for some reason. My sister and both of my parents watched DD (for short time periods- a couple of hours here or there) long before MIL did.
Anyhow, I've been annoyed at the intensity of MIL I guess is the best explanation. She wants to buy stuff all the time and has actually whined at us when we went shopping without her to buy DD some things.
My tactic so far has been to just nod and smile and do what works for me. I don't tell her "you realize that DD is not going to spend the night at your house until she is old enough to ask to do that herself, and she will never spend so much time there that you need an actual play area or PNP or anything else like that". I just nod and smile and let her do what she wants to do. She wants to buy a PNP for her house, great. Then if we're there and want to use it, it's available. But I'm still getting what I want/need as appropriate for our house. If she says she wants to buy something and I want/need it and don't mind her buying it, then I just go with it. If I dont' want it (or want to get it myself) I just try to avoid the topic or say something like "oh I'm still doing research" etc. And then don't go back to it.
So I guess that's my long winded way of saying, don't sweat it. Don't engage, let her buy what she wants for herself and don't worry about telling her that she won't need it. All you will do is offend her and open a can of worms that isn't worth opening. If your DH is on board with how you feel, then you guys will be fine once LO is here. Enjoy your pregnancy!
First off, I have to LOL at "free baby sitting"! It sounds like you will be paying dearly in stress and problems!! You MIL sounds selfish and after treating you like crap is sucking up so she can have her way with your child.
I never left #1 with anyone overnight until he was almost 2. I wasn't really comfortable with it then. However, unless your MIL is just a total wack job and there is really a safety issue, it really wouldn't be very nice to completely keep her grandkid from her. I would wait until DC is a few months old and maybe let her babysit for a date night or something.
This. I had such a special relationship with my mom's MIL and feel blessed my mother was the bigger person when I was little so that we could have our own relationship. Admittedly my dad's mom was a real b*tch to my mom for the first few years they were married so I wouldn't have blamed her at all.
I haven't left M overnight yet, but I love that my mother and MIL both have cribs so I didn't have to drag one over there when we visited. My grandmother also ended up getting a high chair and crib from friends to make it easier on me when we visited. If she's willing to leave it at her house, go for it even if you only use it for visiting for dinner.
From what you've said, she's excited but hasn't crossed any major boundaries IMO. Why create hypothetical issues about her hypothetical issues when you haven't even crossed that bridge yet. For me, leaving M was a slow process, from 15-20 minute jaunts to longer evenings out over the course of months. This allowed both him and me to build up trust with his caregivers but I was fortunate that no one really pushed. Also, people "think" they want to take care of your LO all the time but in reality, most are more than happy to hold them when they're happy and give them back after 30 mins and let you do the real work, including both sets of grandparents in our case :-)
This. Also, maybe try to use her excitement as a starting point for the 2 of you to build a relationship. It doesn't have to be perfect and you do not have to be her best friend, but it might make things easier in the long run...
Just let her buy whatever she wants. Maybe have DH mention that a pack n play is plenty for their house and a crib might be overboard and let it go at that.
Of course you don't need to leave your baby if you're not comfortable doing that. I rarely leave any of mine and they're all big kids now. But you will probably visit the ILs and when you do it will be nice to have all that baby gear over there. My parents have a crib, highchair, baby seat, etc and it has always been useful for all the grandkids.
Don't stress out about any MIL issues right now. Enjoy your pregnancy! Let your DH talk to her about boundaries. Agree with pp about setting ground rules (no unannounced visits is a good one).
My relationship with my MIL is neutral. It used to be good- I even let her be in the delivery room. After DD was born, MIL treated me like a surrogate so our relationship was terrible. Because of that, the inlaws visit once a month or less. Things are honestly neutral now. They don't irritate me as much as they used to, but I don't exactly love them! You never know how your relationship will change after your LO comes, so no use stressing about it now. One thing is for sure- you and your DH are the parents and make the rules!
Yeah. You really haven't a clue yet how you're going to feel. If your baby is going to be a devil sleeper from hell and when you're going to leave it. Best laid plans and all. We had to leave Jo before a year old over night while my dad was dying. It wasn't planned but how grateful am I that my MIL had enough at her house to handle her sleeping for a few days.
You are exceptionally lucky to have such a loving and willing MIL at the ready. I would never, ever ever ever ever speak to her in such a way. I'd just thank her for being so prepared and when your baby arrives, figure things out as you go.
Also, your baby will likely nap at your MILs. Even if you're there with them. I may be the exception to the rule but I liked going to a movie now and then or out to dinner with my husband without my child. And I loved that a loving relative was willing to take her.
Dont' jeopardize that relationship over something you think you may feel now.
Also, re: not having a sitter/relative stay with a child until age 8 IMO is not healthy. Not healthy for the child and DEFINITELY not healthy for the mom/dad/marriage.
I was the daughter of a SAHM but thank god she got her regular trips away with my dad and left us with my grandmother. Oh the freedom. SO much fun was had at grandma's and I am grateful for those times now that she is gone. such fond memories. I'd hate to have had a mother incapable of letting me have those very impactful moments.
I'm in a similar situation with my MIL. She lives several blocks from us (we moved from MY hometown shortly after finding out we were preggo. Honestly, had I known I was going to get pregnant so quickly, I wouldn't have moved away from my family.) My MIL has some sick connection with my husband's ex gf and loves to bring up her name as often as possible. My SIL refuses to leave her kids with MIL so she assumed she was going to get to babysit our son the second he was born. (She actually asked me when I would be going back to work BEFORE he was ever born.) And just this week DH asked me about her watching him for four hours this Friday and I said no. (For many reasons. Long story.)
My advice - and I'm SUCH a people pleaser, this was very hard for me - is to just lay down the law ahead of time - as gently as possible, of course. Tell her you don't expect the baby to be spending any time away, especially overnight, any time soon, so not to waste her money on things at her house just yet. Pack and play's are everywhere, and if you change your mind, she can always run out and get one at a moments notice. Maybe even ask her if she's heard of the term "Attachment Parenting" and try to get her to read up on it. I don't know what kind of person she is, but if she knows what your parenting goals are, MAYBE she'll be supportive. (Probably not, knowing my MIL, but I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.) I'm amazed at how much the "mother lion" instinct has kicked in and how I'm able to speak up for my son in a way I was never able to speak up for myself.
Best of luck to you!! I totally understand what you're going through
Noel - August 2010
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If I was you I would feel the same way and would have typed out your post exactly as you have written it. For us, my parents are only 8 minutes away and the ILs are over 16 hours away. My parents are WONDERFUL, and that being said I still haven't left DS (who is 8 months) with them for more than 45 minutes, and that was because I had a doctor's appointment. For me, it doesn't even have anything to do with who he's left with, I just think he's too young to be away from me for several hours, much less overnight. I don't know if it has anything to do with how I feel, but DS is high needs, and I don't feel like he's ready to be away from me for so long.
My suggestion would be to have DH talk to MIL about how you two feel about leaving your LO with them, or anyone for that matter. GL!
Just to pacify some people here. When I say I'm not going to leave my child there it's for many reasons other than I don't like her. I don't trust her and even though she raised 3 boys to adult hood means I have to trust her with mine? My husband has a horrible scar on his hand that prevents him from straightening his fingers all the way from an accident when he was little. She was mowing the yard with him playing in the yard. The middle child has horrible anger issues and has threatened to kill her in her sleep from the time he was 12. (he's now going to collage and is a very nice young man, but the anger issues are still there) She has told me that she does not want to see me breast feed at all (fine, I'll go to another room. I don't care) She has also told me that she wished she had spent more time with her children playing and such instead of worrying about how clean the house and carpets were kept, and that she plans on spending a lot more time like she'd have liked to, with this child. I kind of feel like she's using my pregnancy as a 4th chance at motherhood, only this time she'll do things 'right'. She laughed when she told me that people at work told her that she should think about adoption because she was way too excited about my pregnancy...
Anyway, hope that sheds a little more light. I do not plan on keeping my child totally away from her. She will have a relationship with LO. Probably more than my parents will have because they are 5 hours away and she's 15 minutes away. We are not going to avoid her, and when LO is older/myself and DH feel comfortable with it, we will then see about her babysitting for more than an hour or 2 at a time. I'll leave it at that. We'll see.