Blended Families
Need some Advice!
How would you explain to a 5 yr old and 9 yr old ( yes the 9 yr old will be easier). Why Grandma is taking your two older siblings to the beach for vacation and not them, yet she talks about it in front of everyone??? They are all her grandkids.
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Re: Need some Advice!
yep Dh's mom, and the older are from DH's first marriage, live with BM so I/we have no say so as to if they go since they are 18, and 17, Grandma has been taking them for years. She did ask last year for the younger two to go like the week before they left...UM sorry I wasn't comfy with my 4 yr old goig to the beach with grandma when she never sees her at that time.
I would say this, except for the fact that they are 9 and 5. Even if Grandma is very spry and an excellent swimmer, I cannot imagine supervising four kids, let alone at the beach, would be easy.
I'd tell them they'll get to go on beach vacations with you and maybe with Grandma when they're older.
I agree...I'm not saying I would let them go...but I do think she should talk about it some where else!!! my 5 year should not be upset because she doens't think she was invited to go ...
Now that I understand that the older two are MUCH older, I'd just say that it's an "older kids" trip and that when they are older they'll have the chance to go too. Then, maybe I'd plan a fun weekend thing to do with the younger ones that they're older sibs are "excluded" from...kind of make it like a "This is the older girl's trip, and this is the younger girls special trip" thing.
But I would also talk to grandma and explain that by talking about the trip in front of the younger two that she's hurting their feelings and could she please lay off rubbing it in in front of the younger ones?
thanks ladies....I think it's upseting to me because of the relationship difference in all the kids, but that's another book!
I would say that grandma can take who she likes to the beach when she likes. Is it fair - no, is life fair - no. Honestly I don't think grandma has to explain anything to anybody. Your kids are 5 and 9, they probably don't even notice, seeing as the older kids do not live with you. I think you are projecting your own feeling onto your kids.
It's not fair to the kids = I am p!ssed that she is treating them differently.
BTW it is perfect ok to treat people differently. In fact it is ridiculous to expect someone to treat everyone the same. It is not OK if she is treating your kids poorly. Not taking a 5 year old on vacation is not treating your kids poorly, having to be responsible 24/7 is not a vacation for grandma. With the older kids she gets to relax also.
Now the fact that she asked last year and you told her no makes me want to tell you are being ridiculous.
My problem is she discussed this IN FRONT OF MY 5 YEAR OLD!!!! oh we are going to the beach and blah blah blah.......NOW my child wants to know why she doesn't take her.
And ridiculous or not, I am not letting my child go to the beach with Grandma, when Grandma sees her on Holidays when we are around and she only invited her 5 days before they left because she knew we had all found out that the older children were going. She stated that she even didn't know how she could take all of them it made her nervous....so yeah if you would let your child go more power to ya!!! I could care less that the older kids get to go, but it's not necessary to discuss it in front of the other two kids when you have no desire to invite them either!
Illumine----GM has always gotten the oldest EVERY friday night for pizza night they have spend the night with her, watched movies, and gone to eat pizza, they have gone on a vacation to the beach every year since the oldest kids were 3-4. When DH moved back home right after we got married and the oldest started visiting every other week like they are supposed to MIL was angry stating she needed her visitation time, she would call and get the girls to come to her house before they would make plans here and then when DH would call and make sure they were coming they were like going to GM. She takes them to see her husbands family every Christmas, does not take the youngest two children, has never asked.
I apologize for the confusion it was the year before she wanted to take my youngest 3 at the time, yea no not happening.
Last year, we had a FAMILY vacation, kids, DH,and I and GM was upset that the oldest didn't get to go with her to the beach because they were with us. All we heard was how she had never been to the beach by her self.
DH doesn't say much because he travels about 200 days out the year. He doesn't deal with it.
And I totally get that the kids will never be equal I am from a blended family as well. But I don't like it being rubbed in my childs face. They knew about it because we had dinner yesterday for DH and FIL birthday, and my youngest was sitting between GM and oldest SD.
How is your relationship with the SDs?
They're 18 and 17. Pretty soon there aren't going to be a lot of trips with grandma because they're going to be hanging out with friends, going to college (we can hope) and then working, marrying, raising their kids. And at that time your kids will be a little older and she might then transfer her attention to the younger ones.
If not, it's her loss.
But to get back to my point, how is your relationship with the SDs? They are both old enough and hopefully mature enough to be able to steer the conversation to something a little less grating on the littler siblings' feelings. If you can talk to them and get them to understand "how would you feel in your younger siblings' shoes if you were hearing about all this fun stuff and didn't get to be involved?"
IMO, it's a conversation that could have happened a year or three ago so they could have possibly helped foster a relationship with Gma and the kids while they were there and old enough to but young enough that there would be a few years to foster the relationship rather than a "cold turkey" approach. But maybe you can approach this through the kids rather than the Gma.
answer - because you are to young to go sweetheart. End of.
What will you do the next time you are at the store and you child see another child getting toy and asks why she can't get one?
Kids don't have to have everything other kids have - this is a much bigger deal for you than it is for your kids.
Look, I really am not trying to be snarky, since I too have a sometimes tense relationship with my MIL. But I really think you are LOOKING for things to be upset about.
For the longest time, your MIL had a close relationship with her older grandchildren because your DH was not in the picture ("When DH moved back home right after we got married and the oldest started visiting every other week like they are supposed to" - a lack of visitation only lies on the parent's lap). By your own admission, She only sees your kids when you allow it ("Grandma sees her on Holidays when we are around and").
Expecting her to curtail her relationship with the older kids so it is equal to the relationship with your kids is unfair to them. They should not be expected to tiptoe around any conversation that might hurt your kids feelings.
You keep stressing that you just dont want your kid to hear about the discrepencies, but I throw it back on you AGAIN (mind you, you didnt answer this quesiton the first time I posed it...and I am doubting you are going to answer it this time, since you really want a different answer from all of us)....how will you handle the inequities your own kids are going to have through their lives? Or are you again, going to curtail one for the others.
Finally, the reason why I do not have too much sympathy for you was this comment. "She takes them to see her husbands family every Christmas, does not take the youngest two children, has never asked"
Pot vs Kettle....who is worse? The grandmother that doesnt invite her second set of grandkids to christmas or the father who doesn't invite his first set?
By your own admission, She only sees your kids when you allow it ("Grandma sees her on Holidays when we are around and").
This is not by my fault, she nevers asks to see the youngest two, and when we ask her to watch them then we get a huff and puff. This is an on going issue that even DH has told her that we WANT her to spend more time with SS and DD, it doesn't do any good.
and Like I said I know that kids are not equal and my child gets that, like it was stated we face this issue EVERY time we go to Walmart. my WHOLE point in all of this was how to get a 5 year that is upset to understand why grandma who she wants to spend time with is taking the older kids to the beach.
Finally, the reason why I do not have too much sympathy for you was this comment. "She takes them to see her husbands family every Christmas, does not take the youngest two children, has never asked"
Pot vs Kettle....who is worse? The grandmother that doesnt invite her second set of grandkids to christmas or the father who doesn't invite his first set?
Where did you get that we don't invite the first set? I am confused.