why i needed prayers & good vibes (VERY LONG)
ok..I think I am in a place where i can share what has been going on now. Ready? Here goes...
As many of you may recall, James and I have been on and off since I was about 11 weeks pregnant with Orchid. Although he is well-meaning, loving, pacifist; he is an alcoholic. It went from he drinks a bit too often to he drinks every day to he is drunk every single night. I tried to bargain and plea with him for about a year and like all alcoholics who do not want to change or do not believe their drinking is really causing any harm to anyone else, he kept finding ways to break the promises made to reduce drinking. I gave him that if things didn't change that it was over in early-mid-December. I told him to begin making plans to move out and we slept separately. Well, New Year's Eve we all went to Cleveland for Kaleb's 20th birthday(my oldest child). I threw a party for him at my Cleveland house. Well, James was beyond trashed. I took the little ones and locked us into my bedroom. When the kids fell asleep I put them into their own beds. Orchid slept in the pnp in my room though. Anyway, James decided that he was going to break into my bedroom...long story short, Kaleb ended up beating up James for what he did to me and I had to walk around at work for the next three weeks covered in tell-tale bruises. I was humiliated.
Driving home from Cleveland Summer's phone was blowing up with msgs from her facebook, texts, and phone calls from her junkie father and his loser drunk girlfriend. They were screaming at her calling her and brother names and calling me everything except my name. She was in hysterics. I had to get into her facebook and block her father and his b!tch and call the cell company to have her number changed. He has not seen Summer in almost two years. he is ~$25k behind in child support. He is a waste of flesh. Summer came home and a week or so later mangled her wrists with a strait razor. I rushed her to ER where she was sutured. when she was released from the hopital she was sent to a behavior health facility for a bit over a week. I am beginning legal proceeding to have her father's parental rights terminated. He very eagerly agreed to it and said he would sign off rights to Seth too. He is a ba$tard.
I went from having so much work I thought there was no way I could ever catch up to having so little work I am stretching it by working 40 hours. They are laying off people right and left on the floor below me. I hear that my floor is the last to go because we do non-conforming and government loans so we are the most needed, but it is still very worrisome.
I have an associate at work who is a friend on my facebook and promptly told the whole planet that i am single. The offers are practically coming out of the woodwork and it is awkward and weird for me. I have no time or desire to date. I am goal-oriented and focused and there is no way that one more man is going to get in my way. Honestly, the mere act of being hit on and asked out makes me quite angry. Very angry actually. I have a tendency to humiliate them if they do it in front of others.
Update: While his family supports me, they are HIS family and have somewhat ostracized me. I am in a state where I have zero friends now and no familial support here or anywhere else for that matter. I am alone. James quit drinking. Sober for 30 days now. He goes to AA every week. He is going back to school to do what he loves - cooking. He wants to be a chef and eventually an executive chef or own his own restaurant. He is trying everything to win me back. I am torn. I am so back and forth about it that I feel like I am bipolar (no, I am not, but I imagine this must be what it feels like to some degree).
Re: why i needed prayers & good vibes (VERY LONG)
Wow! What a lot you have been through! I am so sorry you have had to deal with all of that. I hope you and the kids are all getting better. Sorry people are being idiots about you being single. Keep focusing on what you and the kids need.
My honest opinion about James is that while I am glad your concerns finally sunk in and 30 days is a fantastic start, I would want him to stay sober longer than that before I let him back into my life and around my kids again. I would worry that he would easily slip back into old habits once he settles back into life with you. I am assuming you will have at least some contact because he is Orchid's father, so you will definitely keep in touch and see how things go with him. Let me add that I have never had to deal with an alcoholic SO, so my opinion is completely from the point of view of protecting you and the children.
I will keep my fingers crossed for you on the job front. Hang in there. Tons of hugs.
That is a LOT of bad, bad stuff. I am glad Summer will be okay, and that her dad is out. Wow.
It's too bad that James had to hit rock bottom and seriously hurt the one he loves before seeking help, but I am happy he finally did. Do you have time for Al-Anon? It might help you get information and support to help maintain drama-free contact with James, even if you're never involved with him romantically again.
Many, many hugs, and I'm happy you are as strong as you are because not a lot of people could stand through all that.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Oh Kandie.. I am so so sorry you're going through all of this.
I don't have any real advice, but if I were in your shoes, I would NOT take James back in until he can prove he's an adult with his head on straight. 30 days sobriety is nothing in the scheme of things.
Plus, be very wary of him getting back into cooking/restaurant/chef business. Every.Single.Person I've ever known in that business says there's a lot of temptation there. Alcohol (and drugs) goes hand-in-hand with food and it's really easy to fall into old habits there. Not to mention it's a stressful industry, low paying sometimes, not very fulfilling. To me that would be a red flag.
I am so so sorry you have had to go through all of this. What a nightmare.
You said, you had to "walk around with tell-tale bruises", what were those from? Did you get hit?
OMG that is so much crap to deal with, Kandi! I have no words only hugs, support and my shoulder should you need it.
I am so very sorry you're going through all this - especially for poor Summer and how sh!t scared you must be for her.
And, actually, I do have some words. I am in no position to tell you whether you should take James back or not, but my dad treated addicts and drunks for a very long time and his rule is 1 meeting A DAY for the first month, not 1 meeting a week. And, if you can't make it through that first month without a drink then you need to seek inpatient treatment.
My Blog
So sorry - all this must have been horrible. But you are a strong person and will pull through.
My x-fiance (the guy I dated in between x-H and this H and almost married) was a recovering alcholic, but he had actually recovered before I met him. He never drank anything, not even half a glass of wine. I even thought it was boring. So I guess recovery is possible.
Oh honey.....I felt in my heart something major was going on - thank you for sharing with us. I wish I could just swoop you up and fix you a cup of tea and have a long talk/scream/cry/b!tch session. That is a lot to absorb in a short period of time - for you and the kids.
Your priority #1 right now is you and your kids - I don't need to tell you that. You have obviously been operating on that premise. I'm both sorry and angry that you and the kids have been hurt - physically and emotionally. I admire your strength and resolve...what's the term....Mama Grizzly?
You have experience with alcholics - I don't have to tell you recovery is possible. BUT.....don't feel as though you need to make any decisions right now. There is no deadline. You don't have to date, you don't have to give James an answer about your future. You, my friend, are in survivial mode right now for you and your kids....live in the present for right now. The future will always be there tomorrow. xoxoxo
I am sure this is a very painful and confusing time for you and you are all absolutely in my prayers.
I am going to say something that I don't usually discuss. I am a sober alcoholic and drug addict, I currently have over nine years of sobriety. I am the child of two alcoholic/drug addicts as well. I have a lot of experience on both sides of this situation. I will say one thing to you - Al-Anon. It will help you. He needs to be going to daily meetings, get a sponsor and WORK STEPS. He is a grown up, let him find his way. Give him the dignity of facing the consequences of his actions.
I truly hope that you can both get some recovery because of this and I hope for the absolute best for all of you.
Sermon over.
Kandie,
I am so sorry you and your family is dealing with this stress. Like PP before me I wish we could do a girls' day and eat chocolate and red wine while getting a pedi.
No advice just want you to know that I an sending positive thoughts and vibes in your direction.
Wow. I can't fathom going through one of those things at a time let alone all at once. Like PPs said Al-Anon is a great resource. I hope James continues to have the strength to stay sober whether you decide to go back with him or not. ((Hugs))
Poor Summer and Seth, I hope they can get some counseling to deal with the issues with their father. It is hard enough just growing up let alone having issues with a parent. And as far as the job goes, try not to worry, you have enoughgoing on right now just taking care of your kids. If you do think layoffs may be coming then just make sure you have your resume up to date and ready.
I hope you and your family find some peace very soon.
Kandie, I have just a little bit of experience with addicts so I don't feel really qualified saying much, but IMO, 30 days is just barely a start. Don't let your guard down yet. And Summer's dad really pisses me off. How can someone be so heartless to their own child? It's one thing to ignore them, but it takes a really sick person to intentionally hurt a child. Summie is so lucky to have you to fight for her. You are the one constant in her life. Good for you for standing up for her and getting her DB father out of the picture.
I am so sorry all of this is going on. It's really hard really to be there for someone when you are so far away, but as much as I can, I am here. Your strength and grace under pressure amaze me. Sending love, good thoughts, juju, vibes, and hugs!!
This is just unbelievable. How are you still standing? I agree with just about everything above, you are doing such a great job of advocating for your kids, they are lucky to have you.
And, agreed that 30 days is a drop in the bucket, and what he needs to focus on, for probably a year, is just himself and his sobriety. As much as you love(d) sober James, he's not in a place not to slide back into alcoholic James. Even if your kids miss sober James, they need stability and safety more.
I'm so sorry. And, I can't remember which PP said it, but the restaurant world is not one for supporting sobriety. I've spent a number of years there through grad school and college, and the only way to take a break on shift is to smoke, and people hang out at the bar when they are off. It just seems like that constant temptation would be brutal.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I'm so glad you told us -- we miss you and only want what's best for you and your kids. Stay strong, lean on the ladies here, and know you are loved.
Jumping in here late (@#$# crashed home computer.) I am an Alcohol and Drug Counselor so I have seen your life over and over again. Run, don't walk, to Al-Anon. Take the kids to Al-a-Teen.
Also, just because the Dead Beat Dad loses parential rights does not mean that he does not have to pay child support. Visitation and child support are not connected. Make sure that your attorney goes for the $$$. Put his butt in jail for non-payment.
Yes, we are involved in alateen. Summer super hates it. I do not want dead beat's money. I want him to disappear and never have to deal with him ever again in life. He is violent and unpredictable. If I terminate his parental rights and they choose to keep up child support, I will have to take the kids and go into witness protection or something because he most certainly WILL come looking for me. When i left him all those years ago, his mother actually called me to tell me that A. She cannot believe I made it out alive and B. That I am going to hell for leaving my husband. ....I think that says it all.