Am I wrong and WWYD? (family related & long) - Update!
M.Amy
member
Question is: Do I have a right not to have contact with my brother while I am visiting family and what would you do to ensure no contact?
I know there are a few of us with brother issues. Mine is no exception. He is violent, has a drug and alcohol problem, and has sexually harassed (possibly assaulted) women. He has the maturity level of a 14 year old. I cut him out of my life a few years ago after he tried to blackmail my parents into paying for a luxury rehab stay.
After my parents did nothing to prevent this behavior thus encouraging it, I told them I wanted nothing to do with him. This was to protect me and the sane life I created 2000 miles away. I did not want to hear his name mentioned and I wanted no contact. It took a long time of me interrupting my mother discussing his latest problem but it finally stuck.
Then when I was pregnant I had to go back East for a funeral for a family member. I specifically asked if my brother would be at the house and my mother said no. Of course who was living there with his latest girlfriend? My brother. I told my mother if she ever pulled that type of stunt again she would never see her grandchild. My brother became violent during my visit making me all the more confident in my decision.
Fast forward to today and I am finally planing a trip back east to visit family with Matt. I asked my mom if my brother would be at the house during my visit. She said she would have a crib set up and she would give us the master bedroom (deflect, deflect, deflect). I asked again if my brother would be there and she said yes.
WTF??!! I could not be more clear that he was not to be part of my or Matt's life. Did she really think I would not leave the instant I saw my brother? I told her that if we visited, my brother was not to be seen. I said if he had no place to go that we would stay with a friend. I reiterated my statement that if she pulled a stunt we would never visit her again.
Even if they do put my brother up somewhere while we are there I don't trust her not to invite him where I will be. I know she is not the smartest person but I have been nothing but clear to her (in a very non-emotional straight forward fashion). She just doesn't understand why I feel this way. Oh and my dad is no help, he just let's my mom make all of the decisions when it comes to my brother.
WWYD in my situation? DH supports me that he does not want my brother around Matt. Should I just give up and we stay in a hotel or with a friend?
UPDATE: Based on your feedback I started brainstorming about where to stay. Then it hit me - my parent's boat. We were going to spend time on it anyway so it is very convenient. I checked with DH and he agreed the boat is a fantastic idea. I called my parents and they were happy not have to displace my (43 year old) brother for a weekend. So unless my parents bring my brother down to the yacht club we should be fine!
Re: Am I wrong and WWYD? (family related & long) - Update!
I agree with Bea. So sorry!
Not to take over with my story, but I am in a similar situation but with my father (& my mother is still married to him). So it makes it difficult. But I do what is best for my family.
I would stay with a friend or at a hotel. I would not risk it. This way you have somewhere safe to go. Plus I think it might be good for your mom to understand the importance of your request & that this is not something that is going to change.
Not to defend your mom - I can't imagine it being easy for your mom to put her son's butt out on the street (probably where he deserves to be). But either way she probably feels stuck between a Rock and a Hardplace no matter what she does. I could go on since my mom is similar - I think I actually might be more understanding if it was someone she gave birth too (sorry, not trying to make light of it).
My mom is only allowed to come over to my house & alone. We have obviously been in the same place as my dickhead dad - funerals & family events - but I ignore my father. He has never formally met his grandboys. She actually joked the other day about taking all the kids overnight.. but asked at her house??? Funny. Not.
I am sorry that you are going through any of this! Where back east btw?
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Yeah, stay in a hotel and maybe even meet up with your mom in neutral places. That way there is no chance of confrontation. If for some reason he comes as well, she clearly hasn't respected your decision, I would make it clear that her actions have led you to cutting off your visit (and any future I'm assuming).
Your mom may love your brother, but she's enabling his bad behaviour by allowing him to live at home (if he's an adult, the only reason I see to be there is to care for the parent, I doubt that's the case). She's either okay with what he's doing, or in her own mind downplaying it or even rationalizing that he's not like that and people have it wrong. This is why I highly suggest the neutral meeting place, she may have some fantasy of getting you to reconcile with your brother and everything will be all puppies and rainbows.
Good luck with your visit, I really do hope things go well.
PS....This was my grandma and uncle. She refused to believe he was a criminal and an addict. Whe she died she willed the house (mortgage free) to him. It took him one year to have a bank seize it (reverse mortgage, made no payment). If it wasn't that, the police would have seized it as was being used in the commision of multiple crimes. Her logic was that people were wrong about him, that he just needed a leg up and some kindness. Sad.
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I can totally relate, as I too have brother issues. And my mother acts exactly like yours, she knows my bro has problems but she (and my dad, but mostly here) continue to enable him and ignore the bigger picture. The only difference in my case is that I tolerate my brother's presence when we visit (he does love me deep down although he doesn't show it) and he's not violent. At least not yet.
If I were you though, I would definitely stay at a hotel or a friend's house. Unless you can put up with seeing your brother, which is very likely, seeing how your mom is hell-bent on reuniting you two, in a very passive-aggressive way.
It sucks though, that we have to deal with these problems. Good luck with your decision and I hope your mom respects your wishes so you can all have a nice visit with grandma and grandpa ((hugs)).
New England. DH and I lived outside of Boston before we moved to CO so all of our friends are in MA. My grandparents had a summer home in Westport before they died and my parents live in Rhode Island.