Blended Families
fellesferie
member
FFFC
fellesferie
member
It's starting to drive me a little crazy every time I see a post that includes any variation of "there are no rules at BMs."
Unless the BM is a drug abuser or is otherwise a nutter, I almost always totally disregard this claim.
Because believe me, if my child thought he could get away with it, he would claim that he gets to eat Doritos for dinner in front of the television every night until going to bed at 1am.
I've even heard the kid claim that he had no toys at my home.
Anyway, I'm sure that it does happen, but it's such a common refrain that if it were the case, this generation of children might as well be raised by wolves.
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Re: FFFC
LO is here for three weeks. In her suitcase there are four pairs of pjs (two are two small, one is far to large), Six shirts (one is a 2T which is two sizes too small and the other five are horribly stained), and four pairs of pants ( again, one is a size too large and the other a size to small), two pairs of socks, and two pairs of undie.
It's frustrating, we had bought LO four new outfits as well as the four outfits her grandmother had bought her before she left last time and sent to her BMs with her. I understand kids clothes eventually get stained and that they grow out of sizes. It just gets me that when we see pictures on facebook of her at her mums she's always in clean, spotless clothes and we end up getting the wrong sized and stained ones. We'd just like to get one or two decent outfits packed. We (and SOs Mom) have no problem buying her clothes and sending them back if the favor is returned.
On a brighter note LO has fallen back into life here almost as if she was never gone.
This is just a response to Felles original post: I think 'no rules' is a generally speaking term. Do I think it happens as often as it's posted? I don't know. I am not in those situations. I really hope not, but have you seen the youth of today? I was just in highschool not too long ago, and we werent' nearly as bad as all these kids.
I honestly believe it comes from a lack of discipline in the home. My mom would have had my head through a wall if I ever spoke to her the way I see some kids treat their parents. I plan on raising my kids the way my mom raised me. Is that the very best way out there? Probably not, but I turned out pretty damn good. I've never tried drugs, I've had alcohol but realized it's not something I like, I never shoplifted (unless you count that pack of gum when I was 5, that my mom made me take back to the store and give to the manager. Then he told me he was going to call the cops and take me to jail. Yep only took one threat). Am I mother teresa? Hell no. All I'm saying is that the way my mom raised me, with rules (a lot of effing rules) discipline and consequences went a LONG way. When I was in highschool and I was in a sticky situation I had that voice in the back of my head 'my mom will KILL me if she finds out'. That kept me from doing a lot of things.
I see an overall lack in discipline when SS is with BM. Her H has confirmed the small snippets I've seen. Her mother has confirmed what I've seen. The child has no structure. Sure, he has to brush his teeth and go to bed but when he wants somethign there, he gets it. He doesn't say please or thankyou she just hands it over. Am I saying she's a horrible mom? Not at all. She loves that boy with everything in her. Our parenting styles are just different. Her's, I don't agree with. SS comes home and it's like we have to re-train him into his manner words and strip him of his 'I'm allowed to do anything' attitude. It's a weekly battle, but it seems that as time goes on it gets better and better. It used to take us 2 days to get back on track. Now it's just an hour or so. BM has noticed that he even listens to me better than her. She has asked me 'how do you do it?'. Um, you're the boss, you're the parent, you are in charge.
I think in our case, she just wants to make him happy. I can't fault her for that. But I don't think she understands that he's going to take major advantage of her as he gets older and sees this pattern works. I cry for something, I get it. Why stop?
I know in my situation she has rules, but her rules are quite different, and very lax compared to ours. I guess that's what many posters may mean by 'no rules'. Just that the other parent's rules are different from theirs and they don't enforce things that they would enforce. I think the term may be over used at times, but I know how frustrating it can be first hand. It's been probably our #1 issue in the past. I'm glad we've been able to grow and get our household under control, and I think it's due in large part to SS's young age. I feel bad for the people with 12 year olds where it's already pretty much set in stone and the kid's not going to change after years and years of getting what they want.
Sorry that was long. I can never cut my shizz down. lol...
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Felles, I agree. In our case, SS is constantly telling ME: "We don't say/do that in this house!!!" (picture him with a stern face/voice lol).
Its an ongoing process to explain to a 4yo that their are different rules at different houses. But there are def some things he does for BM I disagree with, and vice versa. Luckily its all pretty "minor," and BM and I/DH are aware of the differences, and we all agree that he needs to listen to whomever is in charge at the present moment. Whether school/grandparents/etc.
As for my FFFC, its Saturday now, but since I was told on 9-12 its not really flammable, I'll add. HAHA. Even though DH is 1500 miles away I'm so uncomfortable, I wouldn't mind going into labor like, yesterday. Even though it means he'd miss the birth. Of course, its easy to say that now, when I'm not in labor. HAHA.
I have to agree with KC. Looking at the generations coming up right now I'm shocked and appaled by the things they deem acceptable. The language I've heard them use out in public, the scenes I've seen them make, the sense of entitlement. Had I acted remotely the way these kids and young adults now act I'd have been in a world of hurt.
BM has rules but they're definitely more permissive than ours. BM was raised very differently from both SO and I. She was heavy into various substances before she joined the service and, when they were married, her mother laughed to SO about all the stuff she let her get away with when she was a child. BM has said multiple times things like "LO and I are going to be best friends. I'd rather us have a girlfriend relationship than the traditional mother/daughter relationship", "I want her to have the same 'F**k you attitude' I have", etc.
I do think some SMs take the "No Rules at BMs" a bit far. I just think they don't want to aknowledge the different set of rules in general.
I'm not saying that many, many kids don't need more discipline than they're getting. I just think it's ludicrous that people assume that just because a (young) child behaves a certain way at dad's home that there's no discipline at mom's home.
Once you remove DH or I from DS's immediate vicinity, he's a somewhat different child. You better believe that he says please and thank you to us when asking for anything, but would he do it with XH with no prompting? I don't think so.
I think some of the basics still exist. He's essentially a very sweet and well behaved boy. I don't think he would hit someone, for example. But I'd bet anything that he'd try and have a tantrum to something he wanted. I'd also bet that if it suited him, he would lie to get things he wants.
And those are two things we have a zero tolerance policy on in this house. Never one time in his entire life have I allowed him to pitch a fit and get his way. Even if I was originally on the fence, once flips out, it's over. And if he lies, he gets an immediate 5-minute time out as well as the loss of a privilege.