Blended Families

Video Chats with BM

Hi ladies I have never posted on this board before so here's a little back story without going into all the details...My DH has primary custody of my SS so the BM has the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend schedule that most dad's are on. That was all set into place when SS was only 1. But, after my DH got custody she decided to move back to her home town, which is 4 states away. I met DH and SS when he was only 2 years old and I have raised him and have been the mother figure in his life (he in now 5). He calls me Mommy and he sees BM maybe twice a year when we meet her half way so she can get him for a couple weeks.

Anyway on to the part where I need some advice. We encourage a realtionship with his BM and include her as much as we can with her being so far away. About a year ago we set up a video camera on our computer so they could do web chats. They did these maybe once a week, which was fine. Now though, she is recently married and is pregnant and I don't know if it's made her feel like she's ready to have a better relationship with SS, but she calls every day which is great bc she used to only call once every couple of weeks. But now with this video chat she wants to do it every single night. I don't know if I am being unreasonable, but we have a life and are not always home every evening at the time she wants to do the video chats, or we have plans, tball practice, homework, etc. I think we should pick one day during the week and one day on the weekend so they can do the video chat. That is twice a week plus she calls every day. Does that sound unreasonable? She is a very difficult person to talk to and does not like when things don't go her way, but we have a baby on the way too and I need a routine in my house. I don't like to feel like we need to be at home at a certain time every night so she can video chat with him. What do you think? Thanks in advance and sorry this was so long!

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Re: Video Chats with BM

  • This may be the unpopular opinion here, but I wouldn't be up for video chats every night. In your shoes, I would tell her that you will make sure the boy is available on the phone every night, and you will have him ready for video chats two or three times per week, plus extra time for holidays and whatever.

    DS just turned 6, and there's really no way I would be willing or able to commit to putting him in front of the computer at a certain time every night. His nights are pretty busy from 5pm on--I've got dinner to make, and he has to help set the table and clean up. We've got around 45m of homework every night, extra stuff if there happens to be a project, bath time by 7:30, then his bedtime routine with stories. He really needs to be asleep by 8:30 or he's a mess in the morning. 

    XH knows he can call whenever he likes between 3:30 and 8:00 any night, and he averages 0-1 calls every week. We tried video chat once when DS was 4 or so, and it didn't go very well so it's never come up again.  

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  • Believe me we aren't too happy about the video chats either. They disrupt our household bc like you said we have dinner, homework, playtime, bath time, and still want to just have some time to relax and spend time with him before bed at 8:30 as well.

    Not to mention we're doing it as a favor, the CO does not say anything about doing video chats just bc she chose to move to another state. And when he gets on there he of course is 5 so he doesn't sit still, he doesn't like to talk he just goofs off, and honestly they're pretty pointless at his age bc his attention span does not allow him to have a conversation with a computer screen lol.

    DH told her once before that she needs to communicate with him when she wants to do the video chats, but instead every time she gets on the phone with SS she says "do you want to get on the computer?" so then we look like the bad guys when we say no not tonight bc we have other things going on. It's frustrating.

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  • Personally, I think it is intrusive.

    I think if there were a set schedule, such as Tuesday and Saturday a video chat will be available between 6:30 and 7, or something to that effect.  My SS is 7 and between dinner, homework, sports, bath, books, bed - and having to take care of DD and get her ready for bed- we could never do that every night. 

    We set a rule that phone calls need to occur between school and 7 PM, and BM calls nearly every night - but I would never have the time or patience to do a video chat every night. 

    Set a rule and see how it goes.

     

  • I agree with PP's, it seem intrusive.

    I think a set schedule of video chats 2-3 times a week (maybe extra if there is something special, like a birthday) sounds like a good compromise, particularly if she is talking to him on the phone every night. I mean, what 5 year old talks on the phone for more than 5 minutes, tops?

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  • Maybe you should contact her and offer to sign an agreement offering nightly phone calls (that she will initiate) and video chats 2-3 times per week. You can both sign it and have it notarized.

    That way you guys regain a little control of your nightly routine and she has some written assurance that she will be able to contact the kiddo. 

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  • imagefellesferie:

    Maybe you should contact her and offer to sign an agreement offering nightly phone calls (that she will initiate) and video chats 2-3 times per week. You can both sign it and have it notarized.

    That way you guys regain a little control of your nightly routine and she has some written assurance that she will be able to contact the kiddo. 

    I agree with PP's on their previous points.

    This however is confusing to me. Why is it on them to initiate this? If BM wants it she should be the one to initiate it. I think it would be nice if they say 'Tuesdays and Saturdays between 6-7 we can do video chat and be available for phone calls nightly' but why is it on them to get this all written out and notarized? I say that that part lies on BM. If my H wants to change anything ever, he writes it up. When BM wants to change something, well we usually write it up for her because she says she doesn't word thigns well. BUT she asks us to. I don't really feel it's their job to do all this and go out of their way. Sounds like they are already going out of their way by accomodating this. Just my opinion.

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  • imagekaratechrissy:
    imagefellesferie:

    Maybe you should contact her and offer to sign an agreement offering nightly phone calls (that she will initiate) and video chats 2-3 times per week. You can both sign it and have it notarized.

    That way you guys regain a little control of your nightly routine and she has some written assurance that she will be able to contact the kiddo. 

    I agree with PP's on their previous points.

    This however is confusing to me. Why is it on them to initiate this? If BM wants it she should be the one to initiate it. I think it would be nice if they say 'Tuesdays and Saturdays between 6-7 we can do video chat and be available for phone calls nightly' but why is it on them to get this all written out and notarized? I say that that part lies on BM. If my H wants to change anything ever, he writes it up. When BM wants to change something, well we usually write it up for her because she says she doesn't word thigns well. BUT she asks us to. I don't really feel it's their job to do all this and go out of their way. Sounds like they are already going out of their way by accomodating this. Just my opinion.

    Chrissy, I'm reading it that it would be on BM to initiate the call, not them.  Do I have something backwards?  :)


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  • imagekaratechrissy:
    imagefellesferie:

    Maybe you should contact her and offer to sign an agreement offering nightly phone calls (that she will initiate) and video chats 2-3 times per week. You can both sign it and have it notarized.

    That way you guys regain a little control of your nightly routine and she has some written assurance that she will be able to contact the kiddo. 

    I agree with PP's on their previous points.

    This however is confusing to me. Why is it on them to initiate this? If BM wants it she should be the one to initiate it. I think it would be nice if they say 'Tuesdays and Saturdays between 6-7 we can do video chat and be available for phone calls nightly' but why is it on them to get this all written out and notarized? I say that that part lies on BM. If my H wants to change anything ever, he writes it up. When BM wants to change something, well we usually write it up for her because she says she doesn't word thigns well. BUT she asks us to. I don't really feel it's their job to do all this and go out of their way. Sounds like they are already going out of their way by accomodating this. Just my opinion.

    I agree.  Maybe BM isn't initiating it because they have been doing it without expressing that it is disrupting their routine, so she doesn't feel the need to? IDK.

     

     

  • I agree with everyone else it is a little much.  That being said I can see how you are hesitant to say anything bc of a potential argument.  Could you possibly as a compromise give SS a prepaid cell phone and ask BM to at least split the cost of adding minutes to it?  That way SS could carry the phone with him and you could go out and about with your lives wouldn't feel like you had to be home for her nightly calls/chats.
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  • imagetifanico:

    Set days and times. I have been doing webcam meetings with BF for 1.5 years and we have a consistent schedule. If any of us are not available for the meeting then we offer a make up time. We already got used to this schedule and unless any of us are going to be out of town AND with no internet access the Skype sessions are done.

    If you do have free time and are up to it you can let her know that and do an additional meeting but do this once in a while. I am the one who offers the additional meetings because we have a civil relationship and because benefits from the contact with him. 

    I cannot imagine if BF asked me to do this every day. It is too disruptive but you have put up with that without saying anything, dont be surprised if BM gets upset now.

     We have been doing the web chats since last year, but they were very maybe once a week and then she went about 3 months without asking to get online. We thought they were done doing them for good, until SS went to visit her for Christmas then when he got back she wanted to start doing them again. So BM asking to do them almost every day just started after Christmas break. The one time DH told her that she needs to coordinate the video chats through him and not SS when they're on the phone she got all mad and started saying "I am his mother and if he wants to talk to me on the computer he can do that anytime he wants...you should not stop him from wanting to talk to me!" And it's not even about that...SS is 5! He doesn't understand the importance of a routine.

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  • imageCocoBrynne:
    I agree with everyone else it is a little much.  That being said I can see how you are hesitant to say anything bc of a potential argument.  Could you possibly as a compromise give SS a prepaid cell phone and ask BM to at least split the cost of adding minutes to it?  That way SS could carry the phone with him and you could go out and about with your lives wouldn't feel like you had to be home for her nightly calls/chats.

    SS is only 5 years old so he is not old enough to have his own phone. I don't mind the nightly phone calls its just the video chats bc we are not always at home or have other things we are doing and we have to stop and set that up it takes up a lot of time. That's why I want to have a routine and set days for it.

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  • My XH lives several states away and has requested video chat's with our daughter who is 7. He was requesting one night during the week and then on Saturday and/or Sunday. I had to explain to him on more than one occasion that our weekdays were just too busy to make that happen. We finally came to an agreement that they speak before school and then again before bed during the week. Then we set a time that was convenient for her on Saturday mornings at 10am. What makes it easier for us is that we have a laptop that we can put in her room so that they can have private time and she can show off for him all she wants.

    Even if the BM has a hard time dealing with it, you need to do what's best for your family and SS and that's to have a set schedule.  She'll realize that when she has her baby that she can't keep up with the daily video chats. With it not being in the CO you should have some type of schedule e-mailed to her and request that she e-mail back to confirm that she agrees with it. At least that way it's in some form of writing.

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