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Multiples
MADforever2009
member
Need major help with the hubbs at night
MADforever2009
member
in Multiples
Again, ill start off by saying he's awesome and he does soooo much and i love his involvement with the boys...i know and have seen first hand husbands and dads who do very minimal with their newborns, and sometimes kids in general
But nighttime is a whole different story!!!
I'll keep it as short as possible. The boys sleep on my side of the bed in a cosleeper and a bassinet. Mark has sleep apnea and is a very light sleeper. He wakes up to the boys before I do. He isnt very good at letting crying last very long, so he does one of two things. Pick one up or attempt to wake me up. Sometimes he picks one up and then tries to wake me up. Well i guess im not easy to wake up. Sometimes I guess ill talk in my sleep and mark will think im up and when i dont get up right away he gets mad and he thinks im being lazy and just wont get up and that i dont want to help and that im passing all duties to him. He usually makes some sort of rude comment to me once i am up and it sets me off...then bam, all of a sudden were threatening each other and our relationship (we never do that) . I really think if he would just let me wake up on my own none of this would happen. We always make up in the morning and say we want to get better and try to talk it out and think we do, but then two nights later...there we are again. Ive told him to sleep in another room (even though we dont want to, we think it will separate us more), told him to let them cry, ill get up when its time...
Anyone have any suggestions? I know this isnt a relationship therapy board but i know if not all of you, at least some of you have been here.
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Re: Need major help with the hubbs at night
Why are you letting the boys cry?
And my H and I went through the same thing. We would flip flop nights where one of us just never heard anything. It will pass.
sleep deprivation will tear up a couple if you don't talk things out when you are not super tired and have some time... and a baby isn't screaming in your ear.
i can't say i blame him for getting annoyed- I think there have been tons of posts on here about DH's not waking up at all with the babies- and honestly- i thought your post was going to say that... but instead it was him being mad at you for not waking fast enough.
talk to him and remind him what your body has been through -and obviously your body is shutting down big time when you do get to sleep- and you are sorry it's taking you a long time to wake up - but that you are NOT doing it on purpose.
Let him know how much you appreicate everything he does - even the little things... if he washes bottles just say "thanks for washing the bottles" - even if it's something he does every day - remind him that you know he does a lot. I know with my DH (who does a TON for the kids) it really goes a long way when i say thanks about little stuff - and vice versa with him saying it to me.
just know his frustration- he's got 2 crying babies and doesn't feel he can handle them both and needs you up --- and you aren't waking up - and he's tired as hell - it's frustrating. Now- on that note- he shouldn't be saying nasty things to you when it happens --- so talk to him- again, during the DAY, when the babies are sleeping... and in a non-accusatory way - about how you guys can make it work out - b/c you have to find a way - that's just how it goes -you HAVE to make it work b/c the babies aren't going to just start making it work for you
we're not. im not waking up to them before mark is. so he picks them up and struggles waking me up and thats when fights happen, if he lets me wake up to them (cause im supposed to be doing feedings on my own) we wont get at each other.
im not wanting to let them cry, but let them wake me up instead.
I'm confused-- are you married or are you getting married? Looks like you have a new countdown ticker to a wedding, but you called him your husband. I'm curious because, when you say you're threatening the relationship- is it the wedding, or your marriage?
I think plain and simple you both just need to talk about your expectations for how you expect to handle the babies at night. What you expect of him, what he expects of you. Did you discuss this before you got pregnant or before the babies arrived? Have expectations changed? Do you need to remind each other of what you "agreed upon" before?
You shouldn't discuss anything at night. No one is thinking clearly, and it's always stressful when the babies are crying.
yeah were trying, were such a good team during the day, when he gets home from work. we are that mushy couple who is always thanking eachother, doing sweet things for one another...etc.
what about a written schedule? you have this kid this night, or this feeding yours...
The 1st weeks/months are so hard! DH and I were so exhausted and were at each other's throats sometimes, especially at night. I don't know... maybe it's the sleep deprivation and the fact that being startled awake at 3am isn't normal for most people?
It's good that you guys recognize when you're nasty to one another and apologize in the morning. Have you talked about 'the options' during the day or is it something that's more likely to come up at night? Definitely make sure you discuss it when you're both awake and level-headed. Do you guys take shifts? When our LOs were tiny, I would go to bed around 7 or 8p and DH would take the 9p and midnight feedings while I'd sleep. At midnight, I'd get up to pump then take over for the 3a and 6a feedings. (I'd sleep on the couch with the monitor and DH would sleep in our bed with earplugs in.) It wasn't ideal since we saw so little of one another and didn't get to sleep in the same bed for awhile but it did help us get thru that initial survival phase.
ive always called him hubbs or SO but no we've been engaged since same time we got PG. i put up a countdown ticker after boys were born cause i hired a wedding planner and we have a tentative date.
DH and i had MAJOR issues at night when the LOs were younger. Heck we just had a giant fight this am at 5am bc i was up with DS for 2 hours and couldnt get him to sleep blah blah blah.... but what most of the pp said is true. You cant allow what is said at night be carried over into the day time for as hard as that may seem bc there were MANY days i was pissed at DH for what he said at 3am or vise versa. and it was alomst the end of our marriage. but we realized sleep deprivation is not a time to make life choices.
I hate to say it but you and DH need to agree that in the middle of the night you need to try to bite your tounge and discuss why you were mad during the day when the LOs are napping if it warrents a conversation.
GL
LOL, I have to laugh at the lazy part. Somehow I doubt you're being lazy. I'm very lucky in that DH was wanting to be helpful right from the start, and even at night.
There were times I slept through him feeding girls - those nights would usually be shift nights. If I slept through crying and he got up and did 2 back to back feedings, then in a few hours I'd do the next shift.
We did have tense moments! It would drive me nuts if he fed both babies knowing I needed to get up to pump anyway... or we'd decide to do a shift night and then a baby would wake up while I was pumping so he'd have to get the baby, and then the other baby would wake up, and I'd have to hurry up and finish pumping and we'd all be up together.... whatever... the logistics are tough to keep straight in the middle of the night!
There were also times I had to nag him to put a baby down. I'd find him asleep on the couch with a baby on him. Of course that's super sweet, but I would wake up and wonder what was going on, or was the baby fussy, etc.
FWIW, I agree with you - it would be ideal if he'd let you wake up naturally. Maybe choose a couple nights/wk you really want to do that and have him sleep in another room just those nights.
My DH still gets annoyed with me sometimes because I don't hear the girls cry when they wake up! I'm a much heavier sleeper than him, so I can understand what you are going through.
We slept in different rooms for the first couple months. I did the majority of the feedings during the night during the week and then we switched off on the weekend. It just seemed the most convenient for one to be able to get some sleep while the other was taking care of the babies.
I wonder if he did sleep in another room, if by the time he heard the babies cry, you'd already be waking up? It was strange being in separate rooms for awhile, but once the girls were sleeping for longer stretches at night, we went back to sleeping in the same bed. In ways I kind of miss it now, only because I sleep better in my own bed.. LOL