Parenting after a Loss

I think I am beginning to crack

I haven't been able to post much here, mainly because I just read everyone else's posts while holding a baby.  I used to post a bit on PGAL  though.

I am just feeling really disconnected from everyone, but especially H.  He can be really supportive sometimes, but others not so much.  Little by little things have been piling up that I just can no longer deal with and I don't no what to do, and he just doesn't care.  When I am upset he ignores me until I just give up.  No apologies, nothing...

I don't know whether I am being ridiculous, or if the things that are bothering me are legitimate.  It bothers me when he makes snide comments like "Mommy didn't do it right."  I told him this upset me several times before he changed it to "what did mommy do wrong?"  I have never been a good housekeeper, but I have been trying to do laundry and dishes.  It is never enough...if he does a load of dishes I have to hear about it but he won't acknowledge anything I do.  Today I put on make up, fed DD, ran to the store, cooked dinner...and I had a few beers and pumped and dumped (btw, he is totally unsupportive of my breastfeeding but will still make comments when I pump and dump, like, "mommy isn't giving you the boobies?") because I just wanted to drink.  I will admit to not cooking much lately but it is so hard to get it together.  He is off tomorrow, and I asked him to give her a bottle which he acted like it was the end of the world.  He acts like because he works all day he shouldn't have to do anything when he gets home.  He works hard and so at night I try to do everything. but I just can't take it anymore sometimes.  I am with her all the time and I need  a break.  Plus, I go back to work soon and I will definitely need help then.  I wanted so much to make him happy today and I feel like I can't.  I don't know what else to do.  I am beginning to feel like I would rather do this on my own than never be able to do good enough for him.

BabyFruit Ticker

Re: I think I am beginning to crack

  • He just went to bed without kissing me goodnight, he knows how much this hurts my feelings.  I am so sad and lonely
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • being parents is stressful on both parents and maybe he wasn't prepared for it or how hard it was going to be?  I know there were many days in the beginning when I felt isolated when DH got to go to work everyday and come home and want to do stuff for himself.  I said he had a break all day but he didn't have a break he was in fact working hard all day.  We had to have many discussions to come to terms that we could both live with.  As for the comments, you need to get them stopped right away, that is only going to create resentment and anger on your part.  Tell him not to talk through the baby, if he has something to say that he just needs to say it.  I am here if you want someone to talk to.
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  • Thanks, I am holding DD now so it makes it hard to type.  I know he works hard, I just wish he would realize that I'm working hard too.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I am so sorry you are going through this.  My only advice is to talk to him rationally -- trying your best not to get emotional -- about how he is hurting your feelings and not being supportive like you need.  His behavior especially can't go on like this once you are back at work.  I assume he hasn't always been like this, but has gotten this way since LO was born.  I suppose it's possible that he's going through a lot emotionally since LO's arrival, and that he will get back to being himself with some time and once you all settle into more of a routine.  I hope things get better for you.

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  • imagealamber4:
    Thanks, I am holding DD now so it makes it hard to type.  I know he works hard, I just wish he would realize that I'm working hard too.

    You are working very hard, being a new mom is one of the hardest things a woman does and in the beginning with sleep deprivation and baby relying on you soley for food and comfort it is very hard.  You are doing the best you can right now.  

    I know how very hard being a mom can be especially with DD who was a hands on baby all the time in the beginning didn't want to be put down. maybe you can work out a schedule that when he comes home that he takes DD so you can have a bath or run an errand to get out of the house or something.  I found the first 6 weeks to 2 months the hardest and promise being a parent only gets better.  You do need to have some serious discussions with your DH and try to say what is on your mind without the emotions so he can see you are serious.

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  • I'm so sorry. Know you're not alone.

    DH had a really hard time when DD was born. I don't think he felt very connected to her right away - and seemed nervous around her. He obviously loved her immensely, but just seemed uncomfortable. He was nervous about how fragile she was and got really frustrated when he couldn't comfort her. I had times when I really felt lonely like he didn't understand.

    As she got older it's gotten better and better. She's big enough that he's not afraid of hurting her, and she interacts with him and responds to him. He is totally in love, and totally different around her.

    I say this because as hard as it was for me, I had to realize that it was hard for him too - but he had trouble admitting it.

    I hope that's all that's going on with your H, and as your LO gets older he will come around. I hope things get better and better. ::hugs:: 

     

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  • Oh hun. I am so sorry you and DH are struggling. Adding a baby to the mix is never an easy transition. IMHO communication is absolute key. I know it hurts when he does things like going to bed without kissing you goodnight, so when you have a conversation make it a point to agree when you are having a tiff or something that neither of you do that.

    I hope he gets his act together. (((hugs)))

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