Mens' thoughts re: SAHM vs WM (LIP)

BellaBleu23

This is our first baby and I'm seriously considering becoming a SAHM...helped along by the fact that I hate my job (it's highly stressful shift work which requires nights/weekends/holidays and is an hour away from home).  I've been researching, reading, soul-searching, etc. to help make my decision.  And talking to DH, of course, but sometimes I think all he hears is "blah, blah, blah," KWIM?

Anyway, he spends some time on a sports message board and the other night he handed me his iPhone and said, "Hey, read this."   It was a thread from his message board discussing SAHM and I gotta say, it was seriously interesting to read a bunch of male opinions about the subject.  Many of them were surprisingly insightful.  Thought you ladies might get a kick out of it too:

https://texas.rivals.com/showmsg.asp?SID=902&fid=500&style=2&tid=153438150&Page=1

(sorry for no clicky link, I'm in Safari) 

samfish2bcrab

can you c&p some replies?  You have to be a memeber to see the forum.

MommaA117

MH is all for me being a SAHM with LO as long as it is financially possible. He leaves it up to me really. I will be close to that working about 19 hrs a week (2 half days during the week and one Saturday where she will be with my parents). I wanted to do the three days just to make finances a little easier and to still be able to contribute some financially but still be home with LO most of the time.

BellaBleu23

Sure, sorry, I didn't realize you had to be a member to view...DH uses my laptop sometimes and it must be already signed in.  The OP asked "What was the reasoning behind your wife staying home with your kids?"

"Key questions to ask:
- Does your wife WANT to stay at home or does she want a career outside of the home (some women fear they will lose their identity) ?
- If she does decide to work, how much time can she spend with the children (can she work part time, out of the home, etc.) I have found that for those women that do decide to work, this seems to be the best situation as they have career AND spend the most time with children during waking hours.
- How do the finances work? I have seen some women go back to work, but their entire paycheck is spent on nanny, etc...if so, why work? Really only makes sense if wife makes enough to not only cover nanny, but significantly contribute to your (and your children's) lifestyle.

These were a few of the questions we worked through."

 "1.) We want our child to be immersed in our values and beliefs.

2.) No one has our child's best interest in mind more than us.

3.) She is a wonderful teacher and patient disciplinarian.

4.) We have never had a better handle on our fiances and home since she left the grind and focused only on our family.

5.) She believed by staying home she would minimize regret and guilt. Many of her workplace peers felt guilty dropping off their children at daycare and not having more influence in their child's development. Moreover, we have yet to meet a woman that regretted staying home and not working in the "rat race."

6.) Finally, we agreed it would take a lot of sacrifice and give-and-take from both of us. However, by pitching in every night, giving her time away from the house, and ensuring she feels appreciated, there is a general peace in our house that we feel is a blessing for our child.

7.) We are certain we made the best decision for our family."

"This was a tough decision for us to make (wife to quit work and stay home with kids or not after birth). In the end she decided she wanted to stay at home and take care of the house and children. We have a 3 yr old and a 1 month old. It was tough for me at 1st because I thought that it was a way out of work for her. But a funny thing happened; about 6 months after our 1st daughter was born, my wife's boss begged her to come back to work part time and he'd pay double (she's a catering director), and she did. That meant I had to stay at home during those times (I make my own work schedule, as I'm in real estate). My God, I'm here to tell you that those hours were the worst of my life. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but it was so mentally grinding. Aside from realizing how hard it was to do the work with the little one as well as keep the house up, I felt guilty for not working when I was home. So I got to see firsthand how difficult a stay-at-home Mom's job is. It's tough not having her income, but it would be a wash if we were to pay a nanny to watch our daughter's part time. Lord knows I'll never do it again. I love working hard and coming home and playing with my children. Taking care of them is a totally different animal. And boy is it tough.

Kudo's to the Dad's out there that do it. " 

 

 

barefoot barista

 I like the above responses :-)

H doesn't care if I SAH or work.  We always planned for me to SAH for a year, so we've saved up 2X my gross salary for me to be able to SAH for a year, possibly 2.

I like working.  I fully intend to go back to work and occasionally I worry if I will be bored staying at home for a year.

Even if I find a part time job and most of my money goes to daycare, at least I can still contribute to retirement.

IdigDirt

That is a really good response. I would love to SAH but I worry that I won't be able to get back into my career once kids are in school. Also I am not patient but I am glad DH has a day off during the week and I am going to go to 4 days a week so I think that is the best of both worlds. I wish I could just work 20 hours a week but that won't happen.

mesr

i like the above responses too!  when i was pregnant with dd and especially after she was born, i felt that natural, biological pull to quit my job and stay with her full-time.  but dh was adamant that i continue to work. 

i think a big factor in that was his mother, who was a sahm.  when dh's father passed away a few years ago, mil had to suddenly support herself (with only one of them working, they hadn't had as many opportunities to save).  sure she had a great job as a computer programmer in the 70s, but she's forgotten those skills and people code in other languages now.  so she ended up working retail and with very little financial security.

i think that also the prospect of being solely responsible for our family's income is a daunting prospect for dh.  in order for one parent to stay at home, the other parent has to be fully on board.  

now that dd is older, and i see the great impact that daycare has had on her, i don't feel so bad, but during the first year i felt like i was getting my arm sawed off every day when i left for work.

leb2be

mesr:

i think that also the prospect of being solely responsible for our family's income is a daunting prospect for dh.  in order for one parent to stay at home, the other parent has to be fully on board.  

now that dd is older, and i see the great impact that daycare has had on her, i don't feel so bad, but during the first year i felt like i was getting my arm sawed off every day when i left for work.

i feel like i could have written this part of your response.  now that DS is older- i can see what a benefit it has been for him to be in daycare.  also- DH would support me if i wanted to stay home, but it is a lot of pressure to be the sole income earner. also- one of our good friends acts fairly bitter that his wife doesn't work outside the home.   

samfish2bcrab

I've never felt guilty about returning to work, should i feel guilty about that?

I returned after my year long mat leave with DD (Canadian) and will return after 6 months with this baby.  I kind of feel bad for returning earlier than i "have" to, but I think ti will only be part time for the first 6 months anyways.

luckyluvr

We're conflicted at my house. My DH is against me being a SAHM. I have the guilt and stress that comes with leaving my kids to go to a place where I'm miserable. It makes for many arguments, but when $ is a factor, what YOU want doesn't matter. I see being a SAHM as a luxury, and it bothers me to no end when moms complain about "having" to stay home when I would gladly trade places and give up my career forever.