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Maryland Babies
madladybride
member
TIming of vistors post-baby?
madladybride
member
Hello all,
My MIL (who I really like and doesn't usually annoy me) offered to come down and help out with the baby after s/he is born. I'm not sure when to tell her what a good time is. DH and I were thinking that the first 5 days should be just the two of us - DH only has 5 days off, but could help with the baby. I'm planning on BF'ing and I know MIL did not BF DH. Also, I don't know how comfortable she or I will be with me BFing all the time, i.e. possibly letting my boobs hang out...
Any thoughts/advice?
Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: TIming of vistors post-baby?
Does her schedule allow flexiblity? I think it depends on the situation and the person. DS was a sleeping angel at the hospital, but that first night home he would not sleep and we ended up calling my mom at 4:30 am just to come over so we could sleep for a few hours (of course he slept the whole freakin time she had him, go figure). Both sets of our parents basically helped by coming by and letting us get a few hours sleep, doing some dishes, and bringing food by. I also had major latching issues and had to have an LC come to the house and basically sat there topless for like 2 hours for our session. I think it also depends on where you find it comfortable to nurse once you get home, I never liked nursing in bed-it just wasn't comfortable. I was most comfortable in our family room because it provided the support I needed and DS would nurse for like an hour non-stop and I would have been bored out of my mind w/o the TV. So my suggestion would be to see how flexible she is and how much help you think she'll be. If you feel early on you want her down, great, but if you feel like you are getting the hang of things then maybe just have her down for a visit. It's so hard to anticpate what your needs are going to be. And having all the help we did in no way interferred with bonding at all, our parents knew that their main role was to support us in any way that they could, doing stuff around the house, food, and holding the baby whenever we asked them to.
how close is your MIL?
I meant to respond to you about this yesterday - we were like "Oh, we don't want anyone there the first few days we're home, we really want to get ot know each other, blah, blah, blah" but we called my mom at 7 am after our first night at home alone the 3 of us. DH and I were just totally overwhelmed and stressed out and I was annoyed w/ DH b/c he was upset and he was about ready to cry b/c he had no idea what to do, how to help me, how to help Ella, etc. It felt like she cried ALL NIGHT LONG, although I doubt she really did.
Anyway. .. my mom came rushing (which for her still took almsot 2 hours - even though she lives 30 minutes away!) and just having a calming, reassuriing presence was really helpful. She held Ella for a few hours so we could get some sleep and was just always there to hold Ella - which it took me about a week to realize she just needed to be held pretty much all the time.
Sorry for the novel - but anyway - I would put your MIL on standby. My mom came to my house about 6 hours a day the first week or so - even w/ DH there - and DH's mom came every day, but a like for 2 hours. I had trouble BF and had several home visits w/ the LC, etc. My mom and MIL kinda made themselves scarce while I was BF, but seriously I wouldn't have cared.
My DH is taking the week off that our baby comes... but I know that my MIL will be over as soon as say the word. I'd like to have the first 24 hours to just us... but I am def. going to be leaning on my MIL's offer to come over - to just help with the baby, food, cleaning, etc. She lived for 1-2 weeks with my sister in law when my nephew was born and my sister in law says she couldn't imagine it without her mom. My MIL has gone through 4 kids and 2 grandkids already, and seeing that this is our first, I'm going to take all the instruction I can get!
My family is coming down the second week (they are out of state and requires flying) to help out when DH is back to work.
Do you think she would be more help than work?
Like does she know her way around your house? Would she cook, do laundry, vacuum, take care of your dog, etc?
W/ DD the ILs came while I was still in the hospital- which I wanted- because I knew that their time would be limited and I couldn't be expected to entertain them, they were on their own for food and lodging, etc. They came back for Easter when DD was 5 weeks old, which also coincided w/ us moving & it was a total sh!tshow. But my MIL is a control freak who doesn't listen. This time, since I didn't stay in the hospital, the ILs came when DS was just under a week old (he was born on a Monday, they came that weekend.)
As far as bf'ing - you have to do what you have to do- if anyone has a problem with it, especially in your own home, they can suck it and turn their head, etc.
I think she would be helpful (she came down for my 1st mc, when I was supposed to be off my feet). She could be counted on to let the dogs in and out, especially since we have a fenced in yard. When she was at our house last time, she seemed kind of hesitant, but only because I don't think she wanted to step on my toes. (It was her first visit to our house). She would probably need/want me to tell her what we need done. This is her first grandchild and I know she's really excited!
She lives about 4 - 4.5 hours away and since she works with taxes February is the beginning of her busy season of course.
We had my Mom and sister here when we got home from the hospital. My mom cooked dinner, H and I both got showered and we took naps. My sister has come by for one night a week the last month or so, she has helped clean and watched J while I showered but nothing extensive. I've been happy to be left alone, we haven't had many 4 AM still crying nights.
I'm also very to myself and have PPD so I dont really want anyone around, that's just my personality. I would say definitely make the first week just you and H since he is off work (you can do it in shifts like we did) and then gauge how you feel. You may be way more confident than you thought and not want her there for a long period.
I also felt like people would come and visit and just sit here while I was up cleaning, folding laundry. That's something all new moms are going to deal with but I think you should set expectations with your MIL that maybe she could help with cooking, dishes, bathrooms...whatever.
Also, you'll get over nursing in front of someone fast. Anytime someone came by in the hospital I was basically topless and they had to deal. Now they aren't as squeamish about it because I conditioned them!
Francesca Pearl is here! Josephine Hope is almost 3!
Is she calming or will she stress you out - that would be my deciding factor.
My mom was there the night we got home and I knew that I could crawl into bed and leave her and DH to figure dinner out and all that. And then when poop hit the fan at 2am and E was crying and I was crying, my mom helped DH out. My mom was there for 2 nights and my sister for 1 night. I probably didn't need them there but it was nice to know there was another person in the house.
My MIL came about 2 weeks after E was born and stayed for 2 weeks (she came a great distance, so she stayed a long time). Again, we didn't need her there but she was a big help. She would sit on the couch and hold E in the morning while I slept and while it seems like such a little thing, it was fantastic to be able to really sleep because I knew someone was holding her and listening to her breath.
My mother offered but she lives in So. Md so if she came she would want to spend the night, and I don't want to do that. MIL lives about 45 minutes and I know she would want to go home and not be there all the time. I am basically keeping others on standby as well b c DH isn't sure what his schedule will be either so we are playing it by ear because we have people close.
To me the biggest thing is I want for people to go home not camp out at our house for a few days like my mom would.
I'd agree w/several things others have already said - would she be calming or a stressor? Does she know her way around your house enough to be a help (cooking, cleaning, etc.)?
My mom came down a few hours after we got home from the hospital and stayed for four days, then came back two days after that and stayed for another three days. DH was back at work after the first week (of which we spent most of in the hospital - I went in on Monday morning and didn't come home until lunchtime on Thursday), so it was a HUGE help to have her there w/us. She helped by cooking, cleaning, taking care of our dogs, and offering a hand when we just needed a break to use the bathroom, eat, shower, etc. As a FTM, I was also a huge worrier at first and was really comforted by having someone with newborn experience there (in fact, the day she went back home the first time, we ended up calling both her and MIL at midnight b/c DS's umbilical stump started to fall off and was slightly bloody... and he was only five days old, so we were freaking out). Anyway, for us, it was a wonderful thing to have her there, so if you think your MIL could be a bigger help than anything, then go for it. I don't know that I'd feel like it was as necessary for LO #2, just b/c we already know the ins and outs of caring for a newborn, but if she or MIL offers, I'm sure we'd take them up on it.
... every single day of forever.
My situation is a tad bit different. With A being in the NICU for 12 days, I needed someone to take me back and forth to the Hospital, so my aunt was with me for most of the those first two weeks. Then once A did come home from the Hospital she stayed with DH and I for a few days here and there.
With my MIL when she finally did come to visit us at home, she really didn't help me out, she more or less wanted DH and I to entertain her. I would of rather been sleeping.
I still remember the advice Kathryn gave me before my DD was born: have your MIL (or other helpers) take care of you so you can take care of the baby. They make sure you eat, do the dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. so you can concentrate on BF and learning about you LO's needs. I still think about the time when DD was about a week old and I woke up from a nap to the smell of an apple pie baking and my mom had just finished cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry. So nice to feel taken care of when I was feeling like I had no idea what I was doing taking care of DD.
But a lot depends on the above working-- you and your MIL need to have to be on the same page with what is expected. Also, you need to make sure you'll feel comfortable kicking her out (or have DH do it) as soon as you feel the need to.
I had people right away and it was horrid. I had a c-section, and all I got was "I will help" which meant holding the baby while I "got stuff done" All I wanted to do was sleep and feed the baby.I wanted THEM to do the stuff, but they would not.
Baby #2, I asked my mom to come down and entertain my 3 year old while I slept and fed baby. She offered to bring food. She forgot the food, asked ME to go to grocery store so she could cook something and spent the day ignoring my 3 year old and holding the baby and keeping her awake. And I got "advice" all day, from parenting advice (she is hungry - no she is not she just likes to suck her hands) to medical advice (you need to keep a blanket over the baby's head to keep her head warm - even if it's a breathing hazard)
If you think you they will be a help and follow instructions then invite them. If you are inviting them because you feel obligated and think it would be nice but not sure if they will be helpful, don't invite them. If you have a MIL who gives advice, wants to hold the baby and chit chat, then it's not a good idea because you need rest and the first few days the baby might nurse every 1 1/2 hours.