looking back on telling family/sharing news...WWYD next time

HadleyS

We were pretty on the fence about telling family that we were pregnant in the first place, but now that all of this happened, I am glad that my husband and I shared the happy news with at least few members while the news was actually happy. Afte the sad news came, FIL in his own cute way said that he never wants us to "keep" any info from him.  He said that he would always want to know if we got pregnant.  If we never would have told them, we would have only had each other for comfort.  Just wondering if anyone's opinions have changed as a result of their loss.

After your loss, would you be more or less likely to share the news (a BFP) with close friends/family?  If so, when would you tell them?

 

AutumnLeavesFall

I had a late loss, so even if I didn't tell them they would have figured it out.

This time I don't know what I'd do. My mom knows all about my IF struggles and had even come over to inject me on the nights my hubby is working late.

I think we would tell family and close friends, and not announce to the "facebook" crowd until I felt safe after delivery

LifeInANutshell

oh geesh.  We waited way longer than most with Jane.

I didn't tell work until I was 17 weeks along, my husband told his school at 19 weeks (we found out we were losing her 5 days later).  I waited until 12 weeks to tell even my mother...

'Next time around - I'm not sure what I'll do.  But right now I'm leaning toward waiting until after the 20 week ultrasound... either that or just tell everyone i see after i hear the heartbeat simply because, anything can happen at ANY stage in a pregnancy... what's the point in hiding it.

EDIT: I will not be announcing on facebook - pictures of our family will just magically appear after our children are born.

KaitySueWho

I only knew a few days myself so we didn't tell anyone..

we are on the fence about that because DH wants to tell everyone as soon as we find out but I kinda want to wait until after the 20 week ultrasound or when I start showing.. We'll probably compromise and wait atleast until the 2nd trimester (12-13 weeks)

Pixiestx

All 3 times I told close friends right away.  I'll stick with that plan since I don't know what I would do without them. I'm not close in that way with family so I'd wait until 12 weeks (as opposed to 8 the 1st 2 times) to tell even my mom.  I would like to wait until 16w to tell work, but I could see telling at 13w again once family got the news. 

A year ago my answer would have been very different and I probably would have said that I would wait as long as possible and possibly for an amnio before telling but I've kind of let go of that horrific fear now. 

PolyMama2Be

Good question! 

I would probably do it the exact same way as last time. I told family and close friends right away, but never made a Facebook announcement.

It was nice to have everyone's support when the M/C happened without feeling like I was getting pitied by people I didn't even know all that well or hadn't seen in years. 

christyjolee

I honestly don't know.

With our first loss we had told family and a few close friends. 

With our second loss we hadn't told anyone yet.  We had to call our parents from the emergency room to tell them what was going on.  They didn't appreciate that, by the way.

Now, our family knows we are trying and all that we've been through so they have been asking a lot about what is going on.  My mom is pretty much like, "any news??" every week.

One thing I have learned through all of this and all of my friends here is that anything could happen at any point so there is never a "safe" time.  There will always be a risk in telling.  

Most likely there won't be a big FB announcement.  People get on my nerves with pregnancy and FB, so I really don't want to be "that" girl.

sabrina69barnes

I'll probably wait until 2nd tri when I can't hide it anymore. I never told anyone about my first 3 that ended in losses and then I wished I'd had the support. This time I told early and then I just didn't want to talk about it at all with the exception of DH and another friend who had multiple losses, so there was no reason for them to really know. I'll probably tell MIL right away but just becaue she lives a few blocks away and is my childcare in case I go to the ER for another miscarriage.

Heidikins27

Good question.

My raw, initial thoughts are this: I think I would prefer if we kept it to ourselves next time around until the 12 week scan. I don't think I could bear the thought of other people's responses. I mean, nobody is going to be able to say the right thing to me. I just know it. (My issue, not theirs; unless of course we're talking blatant insensitivity).

However, I think that DH will want to let close friends and family know if the time comes. Perhaps we will reach a happy compromise.

baloneydisc

We talked about this after our second loss.  We had already decided not to tell my MIL until ATLEAST 2nd tri because she's super clingy & I can't handle talking to her on the phone EVERY day.

My family (parents, brother, SIL) knew both times.  It was really nice to have them know because I had them for support.  We will probably tell them early this time, but I'm not sure how early.  DH told like EVERYONE he works with the first time because he was so excited.  Next time he will only tell his boss (because we anticipate frequent doctor appointments) and his BFF, who also suffered IF & 3 early losses.  I will probably tell both of my BFFs early.  I guess we just haven't decided what "early" means.  I'm guessing around 8wks, but we keep going back & forth on telling anyone, so who knows how we'll feel when we get there again.

FmrAFBrat

Last time we had only told our parents & DHs grandma.  We were planning to tell everyone at the end of the first trimester.  Unfortunatly my parents made it a point to tell everyone in the family (including my brothers, aunts, uncles, & cousins) what had happened & why I was in the hospital. My brother and SIL had their baby the same week I was in the hospital with my loss which has made things really ackward between us (we started TTC at the same time).

I probably won't tell anyone this time other than my mom until the I find out the baby is in the right spot.  Even then I may wait until the after 20 weeks to say anything to anyone else except close family. 

I'm not making a facebook announcement.  I hate those people.  My brother & SIL announced at 4 weeks.... & my mom was worried about them doing that because it was so early, but it was okay for them because everything went perfect for them.

ewilliams1127

Mine was kinda @ssbackwards.  We had to tell work right away because my Dr. put me on modified work orders.  So then all of my co-workers knew immediately and we told our friends.  We were waiting to tell our family on Christmas but I didn't make it that far.  I had to tell my family via e-mail because they kept asking why I was so depressed.  I still haven't told my dad.  They were upset I didn't tell them initially, but understood.

 I would definitely tell my family first next time and even if I get put on modified work I might take my vacation until I'm at least 8 weeks.  I know everyone says to wait but I really needed the support of my friends!

Izabella22

We didn't tell anyone we were pg either time, but I did tell my mom who told my family after my 2nd loss. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I had to cancel plans with them a couple times b/c I was in the ER and whatnot. Honestly if it weren't for all the genetic stuff w/ my nephew and having to include her in getting information to my doctor, I wouldn't be telling her about trying, etc and would wait till the first u/s... but since she knows we're on hold for the genetic testing I will probably share right away what's going on. But I REALLY want to wait till I have a u/s picture to show her cause damnit... its not fair I have gotten screwed out of getting to make those cute announcements twice so far, I should get to do something fun. I hate what it takes away from us.

Froggy76

I'm glad we told our immediate families and a few close friends, and I would tell them all again, although I may wait a little longer next time. 

I just wish I hadn't made such a big to-do about the announcement.  We announced to our families over Christmas by giving everyone Christmas tree ornaments that said "Grandparents/Aunt/Uncle to Be".  I spent almost $100 on those ornaments and now I feel so stupid.  I knew there was a risk and part of me always felt that something would go wrong, but I pushed those thoughts to the back of my head and decided to let everyone get all excited on Christmas.

Next time I think it will be a much more reserved announcement, and I'll wait until I've had an u/s first and seen the HB.

BabyTrippin

I'm not good at hiding anything, from anyone.  I probably won't be "that girl" on facebook this time with my pee stick as my profile pic.  But, friends and family will know just about as soon as Bill and I do.  Untelling sucked, but the support I got made up for that. 

iggy.d

DH and I talked about this just recently. Next time around I don't want to tell anyone anything until I start to show and it's obvious. Even then, if I can hide it until baby D is safely delivered I will! Un-telling the family (twice, in my case), was so hard. I want to avoid that if at all possible. Though I appreciated the outpouring of well wishes and support from friends and family that knew, I hated talking about the loss. DH and I just wanted to be alone for a while.   

julesjb

My Dh talk about this a lot. I was just about done with 1st trimester the first time so I would have told anyway and with my job being around animals/xray/anesthesia I had to spill the beans pretty early to protect myself. Everyone was really supportive during the loss so I don't regret telling. We told our families at thanksgiving about our second pregnancy and the very next day te spotting began and the ectopic rollercoaster started. I was so angry/upset that I wished no one had known because I didn't like revisiting all the details.

I think with the next we will keep it to ourselves( except work which is necessary) I just think it would be less stress to not have everyone ask how I'm feeling or how I'm doing. My mom is my best friend but is always asking if I'm overdoing it , making it so hard to relax!! I will tell close family close to 12 wks and facebook/ friends after anatomy scan! If I get blessed enough to be successful! I know that I won't feel comfortable till he/she is sitting in my arms, and then a whole new set of fears!!!

psumel13

We will definetly tell close friends and family as soon as we hear a heartbeat again! Havinh the support of all of those that cared about me during the weeks after our loss was what got me through each day. I cant imagine having to greive alone.

NeenyW

I plan to wait as long as possible to tell anyone, including family. There will be no facebook announcements until after the birth, if that. If I can keep my pie hole shut, we'll wait until at least 12 weeks to tell anyone.

We didn't tell many people last time, just close family and friends, but people are incessant with asking how things are going and it just makes me feel worse. Every time I say I'm not feeling so well, or that I have a dr appt (even when I don't say what it's for), or even if I look at something sideways, people are like OOOOOOOH are you pregnant?!?! I especially appreciate this happening in mixed company where people don't know about the loss. I wish I could get them to STFU. Believe me, I've tried.

martinimomma

I think we'd do the same thing we planned to do with the BFP that was our loss.  Which is not tell a soul till 12-16 weeks (when it became plain that I was not just getting pudgier and we had a few u/s and perhaps testing under our belt).  Then, in order, tell my parents, DH's family (complex relationships on that side), close friends.  Work absolutely last.  And we are not on FB so no issues with that "broadcast" announcement.

As it was, we never told my parents or his family about our BFP or our loss.  I told one senior partner about the loss to explain missing a meeting for the u/s confirming the loss and my one day off for the d&c.  DH told his boss to explain the day off for the d&c.  I told 3 friends shortly after it happened when we were at an event together (2 of them also had early losses).  Now those 5 people keep asking about TTC, and it is annoying the heck out of me.  Though I know they mean well.

I was fine with the level of support I received from DH, supplemented from this Board of course, and dealing with my parents would have been so stressful given how they deal with issues so I would not do that any differently.

itsmegin

I was totally planning on keeping ours a secret through the first tri. But then we found out my mom's breast cancer had come back and was stage IV. I decided to tell her to give her something to look forward to and be hopeful for, even though I was only about 6 weeks. We then told our close friends and it spread.

I am glad I told, I have no regrets at all. It meant the world to my mom and really helped her, and after our loss we got so much support because everyone knew. I will tell again, probably around 7 or 8 weeks. I have no problem "un-tellling" and I'd rather have the support again if we need it than try to hide my pain. 

MrsTrisha

I think we are going to share with parents and siblings right away again, no matter what. We're going to need support if we do m/c again.

Then when I start to show we'll tell other family members. Everyone else can figure it out on their own.

As for facebook, I have no clue. Maybe when we know the gender.

Oatoa

We only announced it to my siblings and a couple of my coworkers when I found out I m/c.  I was waiting for the holidays to tell everyone else at the same time.  Next time around I'm telling as soon as I hear the heart beat.  It wasn't any easier telling people who didn't know vs those who did that I was no longer pg.  It broke my heart either way.  I've decided to refuse to let my loss make me live in fear of the future.  At least if I announce it, the LO will be loved by as many people as possible for as long as possible no matter what the outcome may be.

tdmd09

I told my best friends quickly, and I'm glad I did because they were very supportive. We told family earlier than I wanted to, but I don't really regret that (aside from SIL, but she drives me nuts regardless)

DH told his work early, which I was not happy about and would prefer not to do again until DH needs to start inquiring about time off after baby, which hopefully would be after 1st tri. I didn't tell my work at all aside from a few people who needed to know, due to patients I couldn't care for d/t pregnancy (like the guy with shingles).

I hadn't gotten to the point of debating a FB announcement, but I probably won't do one at all. Maaaaybe after the anatomy scan, but probably not at all. Those are so hurtful, I don't ever want to unknowingly hurt my friends.

jertie

I had a late loss, so anyone who saw me knew I was pg.  As it was, we didn't tell anyone (not even our parents) until we were in the 2nd trimester and didn't announce on FB.  Mom was a tiny bit upset that we didn't tell her sooner, but we wouldn't do anything any different if I was to get pg again.

ColleenS629

With my last BFP, I only told my BFF (and only because she asked). We couldn't deal with it on our own so I ended up telling more people after our loss. This time around, I'll probably tell my sister, my mom, and a couple of friends (who have been helping me deal with the loss and our IF). God forbid we have another loss, I would rather have those few people know that I was pregnant to begin with. 

mizdiz444

We never told anyone either time, since I m/c'd at 5 weeks both times.  I think as soon as we can see there is a baby and a h/b we will tell, just because everyone knows we lost 2 already.  I will not post anything on FB about it and my family will have strict orders to not post anything either.  I don't think it's anyone's business.

clauseka

It will be hard because when that time finally comes, I'll want to shout it from the roughtops, but that didn't go well the first time around.  I will tell my twin sister and my mom/dad right away.  DH doesn't want his family to know until much later except his brother and SIL (we will probably tell them after week 12).  They are the only real emotional support we can count on from that side.  Basically we will only tell the people we plan to lean on if anything goes wrong.

Temp774929562501329

we will probably tell immediate family sooner this time.  i told my parents at 5 wks with ella, DH family after the 1st us at 8 weeks and my siblings around 8 weeks as well.  i told a few close friends around 10 weeks and then everyone else around 16 weeks.  this time i'll tell close family as soon as i get a bfp b/c as i will need the support since i will be a basket case next time.  there will be no fb announcement this time, at least until we have a healthy baby at home and aquaintances can find out when i start showing.  we will also be finding out/sharing the gender but not sharing names until the baby is born. 

ccansdale

well, DH pretty much told EVERYONE, while i only told a few close friends... this time he knows that it will be a few selected close friends and family until 2nd Tri.... then maybe a FB announcement, not really sure.. I'm guessing I'll decide more when i get to that point!

npilcher506

We shared before we were ready. We did so because I worked with people who knew my family..I'm a RN and told a few people because there were tasks I could not complete involving xrays, chemo, and other pregnancy precautions. When a select few found out, we decided to tell because we wanted to make sure our parents heard it from us. Then, less than 72 hours later, I miscarried.

Next go around ,we will keep it to ourselves for a LONG while. There are some friends I will tell, because they are my main support group. I love my family, however its not the best situation.

I think the situation is different for everyone. It sounds like your FIL is great and probably gave you some good support. The first thing out of my mothers mouth was how hard this would be on my father. While I know she didnt mean it that way..they were the people I really did not want to disappoint. They were so excited when I told them, stating this would "make our year better"..talk about pressure. But, they have been through alot over the past 2 years and I can't expect them to be emotionally capable of supporting me. So instead of telling them and letting my pregnancy be about them, they will just have to wait. Sounds awful I know. Its a unique situation for sure.

Junebug060609

Last time, the only person aside from DH and I that knew was my bff.  That was largely bc she was visiting for nearly a week starting on the day I got the BFP.  She's pregnant and would've picked up on my not eating certain things and being tired anyways.  After the m/c, I told my mom...just needed moms reassurance, if that makes sens. 

Next time I'll definitely tell my bff pretty quick again.  I'm wavering on if I should tell my mom too.  I want to, but know she'll likely tell dad and I'm worried he'll blab about it to family and friends.  We'll likely come out to everyone sometime in second tri...just debating on if it will be right at the line or after the anatomy scan.

Tapatio

I'm keeping the next BFP all to myself. To be honest I've gotten very little support from the few people that knew about the pgs/losses. I figure there isn't any point in sharing the news with anyone. People will find out when they realize I've got a significant baby bump.

cutebride73

All 3 times I told my mom and a couple of my super close friends.  I was glad to have their support.  Actually, the 3rd time I only told 2 friends and my mom - I just couldn't bring myself to get super excited that time and obviously I was right.

We told DH's family and other friends after we lost the baby each time.

The next time I still plan to wait until 12 weeks to tell most people.  I am doing IVF next month and my mom and 2 friends know, so I will tell them.  My boss also knows b/c I have to be off for so many dr appt's.  I guess I may have to tell him, although I doubt he would ask, so I could probably wait with him.

I know that anything can happen at any time and that is why I want my mom and my close friends support.  I don't want my MIL to know b/c she would tell everyone and if something went wrong, I don't know if she would manage to untell everyone.  That could lead to issues as you can all imagine. 

So the short answer is I would do things the same as I did the last 3 times.  It's what I am comfortable with.   

Carolee

I would do the exact same thing with my family - I told my mom a few days after I got my BFP (Christmas) and then I told my other family when I was about 12.5 weeks.  With my friends, I told my really close friends right away.  This time, I will probably only tell my best friend and tell the rest at the end of 1st tri.

asltrouble94

I had only told my parents and coworkers (I share an office w/my OB - everybody knew anyway) and yet the news spread like a wild fire.  So I know I won't make that mistake again.  I won't tell anyone until I at least have a u/s next time and then it would be very few and they will be sworn to secrecy.

mellymel12

We told our parents immediately as well as my 2 bff's and 2 others who are very close to us (married couple). A few other people ended up finding out...close friends so it was ok...no randoms. Really glad I had the support when I went in for the d&c though! I couldn't imagine H and I having to go through it alone.

I think this time around I'm going to keep it more under wraps. Maybe both of our parents and my 2 bff's...that's it. Everyone else can find out...well, whenever I guess...as long as it's beyond the 1st tri. I know you're never really safe...but I would love to see/hear a HB and have a u/s pic to show people when we decide to come out to extended family and friends. As for FB? Not sure...I'm experiencing my first 'fb pregnancy announcement' from a very good friend and I'm taking it harder than I thought...so I don't know if I will want to do that and possibly make someone else struggle.