Infertility

DE ladies (?) : saifw

I'm AMA, respond well to stims, have gone as far as a blast transfer, but after 3 failed IVF cycles, we really can't afford to do this indefinitely. I hate (hate hate) that finances is playing a major role in our choice to consider DE, but that's the reality of our situation.

My question is, did you see a therapist to determine if you're emotionally ready for DE? When you decided to move on to DE, were you 100% or did you have doubts? Did you exhaust every option to use your OE (for me, that's cycling with my OE until I don't respond any more, but we'll be dead broke)? When did you start considering DE relative to cycling with your OE (we are considering DE, and are up for 1-2 more OE cycles depending on response)? Did you get second/third opinions and how did that effect your thought process?

Thanks for sharing your experiences. You can PM me if you prefer.

(I just want to know that we're thinking things through correctly, and not getting swept up in our cp, OOP, BFFN disappointments.)

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Re: DE ladies (?) : saifw

  • Well, I didn't do DE... but we've had a lot of thoughts about it.

    After my first 2 failed cycles (and I respond very poorly, I retrieved 4 and 7 off those cycles) and an FET where my embies didn't survive the thaw.  My RE pointed us to DE.  I cried and cried and cried and then switched clinics.  But by the time I was in the midst of my second cycle at Cornell I started to have thoughts myself about DE.  If we didn't get pregnant with the boys on that cycle, we probably would have stopped all treatment and moved onto adoption.

    Our thought process was:  If we had the heart and the $$ to do DE, we probably would just continue on doing IVFs.  For us, the emotional toll was getting to be unbearable and I don't think I would have had the heart to survive a BFN from DE.  DE is not a guarantee of BFP.

    Hope that helped and BIG HUGS, this IF road is long and tough.

     

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  • For me, it came down to the fact that we are OOP and that I just want to be a Mom. I could not risk paying for another 2 or 3 cycles with my own eggs, and trying to find a protocol that I might respond better too. It was just not do able. I did not get a second opinion either, because I knew that when it all came down to it another RE was not going to be able to tell me any different. My RE did not suggest that I use DE, and she said that she would never recommend it to someone my age with only one IVF cyle. But that if that was the route I wanted to go she would totally be on board. The odds for me with DE are more than double than with my OE.

    I am seeing a therapist to help me deal with everything, and I do enjoy it. But, honestly, I felt good about my decision right from the beginning. I just wanted to do what gave me the best chance.  I am sorry you have to make this decision too, but I really hope you can decide on something that you feel good about!

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  • My question is, did you see a therapist to determine if you're emotionally ready for DE? No I just understood that DE was our best solution to our IF struggles and it was the solution for "right now", I'm not fully giving up on having a bio child when we can afford to try that (we have a unique situation) but I'm also 26, so I think I have time to sort everything out.  I am starting therapy today to prepare myself for my upcoming DE cycle in March.

    When you decided to move on to DE, were you 100% or did you have doubts? I was 100% with the descion but I of course had doubts on how I/we will handle it throughout our life.  I think that's natural.

    Did you exhaust every option to use your OE (for me, that's cycling with my OE until I don't respond any more, but we'll be dead broke)?  No, we could have traveled out of state for treatment at a large University but decided that that did not fit into our financial situation or our life right now, it might work into our future.

    When did you start considering DE relative to cycling with your OE (we are considering DE, and are up for 1-2 more OE cycles depending on response)?I started preparing myself for this because I knew we couldn't do IVF because I have a rare condition that prevents me from having elective surgeries because I'm allergic to most commonly used anesthetics.  So, I cannot have surgery in a surgery center which is where most IF clinics preform their ER.  But I can safely have a ET done, so that's why we are mainly choosing to use DE because it's the safest and highest effective treatment option for me.

    Did you get second/third opinions and how did that effect your thought process?  No, my RE is one of the best in the state and has the highest success rates.  So I chose to stick with my only RE. 

     

    I hope these answers help you on your journey, good luck :)

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  • I was DX with DOR at 28 and was told by a few different Dr's (we shopped clinic's after the first one gave me the DX) that due to my age (being younger) I could continue cycling with OE until I was in my 30's.  This was something I had no energy for and knowing that we wanted to have more than one child, brought up the questions of what to do for baby #2...since my eggs would be that much older and we would most likely have to do DE a few more years down the road.

    The clinic we decided on did not require counseling, though think it is a good idea.

    The goal for us is parenthood - DE brought us that option.  We considered adoption, but wanted the control of prenatal care and wanted a baby asap (we have been trying for 2.5 years, suffered two MC's and completed 2 IVF cycles with awful results).  I had my last miscarriage in April, we switched clinic's and were matched with our selected donor in June, transferred in July and are expecting our first baby this May. 

    I have no doubts that this was the best way for us create our family and am thrilled that DE is available.  That said, it is a hard process.   The ladies on this board were so helpful and encouraging through my cycles - please PM me if you have any other specific questions or would like to talk more at length with someone who has conceived through DE.

    Best of luck!!

     

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  • My question is, did you see a therapist to determine if you're emotionally ready for DE? No, I did not. We did have to meet with a social worker before starting a DE cycle, but it was just one time.

    When you decided to move on to DE, were you 100% or did you have doubts? I still have doubts on occasion. I am excited to be trying something with a better chance of working, but I still sometimes have moments where I think we should have tried with my OE again.

    Did you exhaust every option to use your OE (for me, that's cycling with my OE until I don't respond any more, but we'll be dead broke)? No, my insurance would have paid for two more cycles of OE IVF. We chose not to do anymore, because we were so tired of the disappointment. Neither of us thought there was a good chance of it working, so we wanted to move on to something with better odds.

    When did you start considering DE relative to cycling with your OE (we are considering DE, and are up for 1-2 more OE cycles depending on response)? I had it in the back of my mind early on. My cycles were so short after coming off BCP that I figured I had DOR. Initially, testing on me was normal, so I thought we would eventually have success with my OE. I was a poor responder during IVF #1 and figured that DE was in our future, but I wanted to keep trying with my OE. IVF#2 was converted to IUI. We tried one more IVF, because I felt that I needed to make it to two ET before giving up on my OE.

    Did you get second/third opinions and how did that effect your thought process? We did not. My RE would have done another cycle with my OE, but we didn't want to do it. For financial reasons, we switched clinics for DE, so I guess I sort of got a second opinion, but at that point we really were only talking about DE.

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  • I'm sorry that you have gotten to this place. (((hugs))) 

    My question is, did you see a therapist to determine if you're emotionally ready for DE?  I really have no problem with the idea of DE so didn't need to but my RE requires a session with the couple and one of their therapists. I thought it was helpful even though I wasn't really struggling with the decision.

    When you decided to move on to DE, were you 100% or did you have doubts? I'm in the midst of my first DE cycle and I'm not really struggling wiht it - I think dh has struggled more.  My RE was amazed when we went in for my post IVF consult that I had done the therapy consult and paid the deposit for donor eggs - he says most women really struggle with the decision but once they are successful they never think about it again.

    Did you exhaust every option to use your OE (for me, that's cycling with my OE until I don't respond any more, but we'll be dead broke)?  We are OOP too and had enough money for two cycles.  We did one IVF with my own eggs and PGD and all the embryos were abnormal.  This is our hail mary cycle but honestly even if the pgd results weren't so bad if the first IVF was just a BFN we probably would have gone with DE. At my age the IVF success rates at my RE with OE are about 33% success and with DE about 70% success.

    When did you start considering DE relative to cycling with your OE (we are considering DE, and are up for 1-2 more OE cycles depending on response)? I considered DE from the beginning - not that I thought we'd have to go that way but b/c the success rates are so good and our finances are limited.  My RE was totally willing to try with my OE again.

    Did you get second/third opinions and how did that effect your thought process?  Nope my RE has a great frozen egg bank at a great price.  

    I hope you find a solution that feels right for you and your dh. 

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  • Oh Edwina....we are in the same boat except I have 6 failed IVFs under my belt and I am about to turn 40. (hugs)

    I have somehow always known that I would be turning to DE. Probably becasue nothing I have ever done has been easy. lol I have been thinking about it since we began our IVF journey and I always knew I would know when I was ready. I tend to be a planner and I think ahead in every area of my life.

    I have been in and out of therapy since we began and DH came to my most recent Therapist with me before our DS cycle. She felt we were a solid couple and that we were comfortable with that decision. We also talked about DE and she felt like I was in a good place with that being our next step but that we needed to work out the cost issues. Every clinic makes you get a rec from a Therapist before you do DE anyway...at least the 3 that I have been to.....It took DH a little longer because of the cost vs. success factor but he is finally on board.

    2 REs have told me to move onto DE. Dr. Davis still believes I can get pg with my own eggs and he wants me to try another protocol with EPP and clomid but I cannot bear goig through another loss or failure. For 2 years and 4 cycles, I have been travelling to NYC...3 hours each way...sometimes a whole week in a row and I can't psych myself up for it again...despite Dr. D's encouragement.

    A bio child is not that important to me anymore....what is more important is that I can stop this cycling and still have a baby.  My heart cannot stand the thought of my only pregnancy experience being losses. I'm not sure how I can go on. I want to be pregnant and have the outcome that the majority of women get to experience. I don't care if it's my eggs making the baby. We habve defintely decided that adoption is not for us since we have come this far using medical means. We feel like we cannot open our hearts up to another process. Especially when there is no guarantee of sucess there either.

    It's really hard but you will know when it's right. I wish you and your DH luck with your decision. (more hugs)

     

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  • Please feel free to PM me with any questions you have!  I don't find anything too personal when it comes to DE and someone else thinking about the same path.

    My question is, did you see a therapist to determine if you're emotionally ready for DE? After my 4th failed IVF, we saw a social worker from our clinic to discuss DE versus adoption.  At that point, I couldn't emotionally handle any more failure with my OE or waiting even longer to start our family.

    When you decided to move on to DE, were you 100% or did you have doubts? Even after deciding to move to DE, I had my doubts.  Not so much about me loving my DE baby but how my DE baby will feel about being brought into the world in a "different" way.  My DH had no hesitation, he saw it as someone donating a cell.  I also had issues regarding "nature vs. nurture" when it came time to picking a donor.  In the end, we decided "nurture" had a lot more impact on the things that were concerning to me.

    Did you exhaust every option to use your OE (for me, that's cycling with my OE until I don't respond any more, but we'll be dead broke)?  I did 4 IVFs with my own eggs and had a natural mc before finding out we were IF.  My RE would have tried one more protocol but based on my response (embryo quality getting worse and worse each time), I felt it would be a waste of time.

    When did you start considering DE relative to cycling with your OE (we are considering DE, and are up for 1-2 more OE cycles depending on response)? I started researching it after my 3rd failed IVF because I am a planner and needed to know next steps if #4 failed too.  Even though I was prepared, at my WTF for #4 when I asked my RE what did he think we should do and when he said move to DE, I still burst into tears into his office.  I thought I was mentally ready to move on but it took me a few months after that to really be at peace with the decision.

    Did you get second/third opinions and how did that effect your thought process?  We stayed at our same clinic with the same RE because I felt that we had truly tried everything - 5 day transfers, 3 days transfers, 3 days with assisted hatching, different protocols, etc.  My RE came up with his own ideas and was open when I brought up things learned from this board.

    --------------

    I can honestly say now that I have a DE baby I don't think of it that much. I knew I wanted to be pregnant and loved experiencing it (even with swollen feet from 26 weeks on!).  I do read him books about DE (which he doesn't understand yet) but I hope just hearing the words for as long as he can remember, makes DE just a fact about him.  It won't define him our our relationship. Do I worry one day he will yell "you are not my mother" to me in a teenage freak out?  Yes I do, but that is why I took weekly belly pics so when that happens I can answer back..."I carried you for 9 months, I have been there when you have been sick, when you took your first steps, etc. we might not share genetics but you can be sure I am your mother".

    Adoption wasn't right for us because we wanted an infant so I knew the wait would be a long time and I just couldn't mentally get ready for the research.

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  • We've considered having to do two donor cycles.

    What it comes down to is:
    $22,000 for a statistical 26% take home baby, three failures
    vs
    $30,000 for a statistical 54% take home baby

    I need to read these again when I'm home. Thanks again so much. I know that everyone has their own story, but it does really help with the process.

    Ginger, big hugs, same boat, mine's an older model, yours has a little more mileage.

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  • imageEdwina.McDunnough:

    We've considered having to do two donor cycles.

    What it comes down to is:
    $22,000 for a statistical 26% take home baby, three failures
    vs
    $30,000 for a statistical 54% take home baby

    I need to read these again when I'm home. Thanks again so much. I know that everyone has their own story, but it does really help with the process.

    Ginger, big hugs, same boat, mine's an older model, yours has a little more mileage.

    FYI: When weighing the costs/risks/stats, you may want to keep in mind that with DE, there are guarantee programs. So, you might not have the same financial risk as you would with an OE cycle.

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  • imagehollymichael:

    FYI: When weighing the costs/risks/stats, you may want to keep in mind that with DE, there are guarantee programs. So, you might not have the same financial risk as you would with an OE cycle.

    I know. It just doesn't make financial sense to use my OE, and I'm not pining for a mini-me, just a small person. What really bites is that I respond well, and that by all things paper, I should have no problem with my OE.

    Thanks for everything.

    +++
  • imageEdwina.McDunnough:
    imagehollymichael:

    FYI: When weighing the costs/risks/stats, you may want to keep in mind that with DE, there are guarantee programs. So, you might not have the same financial risk as you would with an OE cycle.

    I know. It just doesn't make financial sense to use my OE, and I'm not pining for a mini-me, just a small person. What really bites is that I respond well, and that by all things paper, I should have no problem with my OE.

    Thanks for everything.

    Although I don't respond great, I am not a horrible responder either. On a couple of other message boards for DE ladies, most of the other posters have sky high FSH numbers and only get an egg or two with their OE cycles.  Everything for me has always been just borderline high/low (FSH 11, AMH 0.8) and we get 6-7 eggs out of me. So I feel like one of our IUIs or IVFs should have worked. It makes me worry that something else is going on that we are missing, but that is a whole other issue. Good luck with figuring out your next steps!

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  • imageEdwina.McDunnough:

    I'm AMA, respond well to stims, have gone as far as a blast transfer, but after 3 failed IVF cycles, we really can't afford to do this indefinitely. I hate (hate hate) that finances is playing a major role in our choice to consider DE, but that's the reality of our situation.

    My question is, did you see a therapist to determine if you're emotionally ready for DE? No I didn't see a therapist. Our RE has a person that you can talk to & we did but just the day we were told that would be our only option. When you decided to move on to DE, were you 100% or did you have doubts? For me there were a few doubts. DH immediately said no but once he had time to think about it he was fine. I worried about not being able to pass anything down to the baby etc. Did you exhaust every option to use your OE (for me, that's cycling with my OE until I don't respond any more, but we'll be dead broke)? We were able to cycle once & my RE only did that so I would never look back & say what if. I was DX w/ POF & had 6 follies when I started stims.  When did you start considering DE relative to cycling with your OE (we are considering DE, and are up for 1-2 more OE cycles depending on response)? Did you get second/third opinions and how did that effect your thought process? I researched a ton about POF & when I met w/ my 2nd opinion, really my only question was is DE my only option & when he said yes our mind was made up.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences. You can PM me if you prefer.

    (I just want to know that we're thinking things through correctly, and not getting swept up in our cp, OOP, BFFN disappointments.)

    Good luck!!!

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  • DH and I were required to meet with a therapist before being matched (requirement of our clinic). The session was actually very helpful.

    When we actually decided to move to DE I wasn't 100% certain. We filled out our application in May and I honestly didn't feel 100% about it we found the donor that we are in love with.

    We could have done 1 more IVF cycle with my OE (and planned on it for a bit). Our RE (whom I LOVE) told us that if we needed to do it for emotional reasons that he would do it with us, but he needed to tell us that, medically, he really didn't see it happening. We tried IVF three times, but in all three times only got one egg.....TOTAL!  We got two other opinions and both REs told us that they would also rec DE if we cycled with them. We finally decided to move on when we realized that we just want to be parents no matter how we have children (and I have always wanted to experience pregnancy). Another big factor for us was that, realistically, DE is our only chance at siblings. I try to be a positive person, but I know that I am not getting any snowbabies with my eggs and we just simply could not afford IVF cycles while also raising a child (does that make sense?).

    In every decision that we make I think "If we are living child free in 5 years, can I look back at this point/decision and know that I did everything that I was able to do at the time?".  As we move forward, I continue to ask myself this question. As long as my answer is "yes", I am at peace with where we are now and I will be at peace with where ever this journey takes us.

    Good luck with your decision. It is definitely not an easy one, or one that any of us ever think we are going to have to face.

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  • Wow... so touched by all these stories.

     We just recently decided to go with DE and it's all happening so quickly. We are matched and our ET date is in 3 to 4 weeks (we find out tomorrow.  I just turned 43 and we actually have one more IVF cycle we paid for...but after only consistently getting one egg we just really felt like this was the best decision. Not doing the last IVF.

     In a way I have always known. I had one ovary removed at 15 and they dissected the second at the time to see if there was anything there. They thought I had cancer. I remember waking up (so long ago!!!) and knowing that I would never have children. However I really feel like I have a shot with DE.

    The gravity of this decision is very hard! For me it is so final. I cried a lot because I naturally want to see what "our" child would be like...obviously my DH and me.

    Then I thought about something I said to my husband (he reminded me : ) - You don't "mother DNA - you mother souls". That's something I have always known...that's I had souls waiting for me.  Then my DH said...when we got married (just 1.5 yrs ago!) we became one and so we will have part of "us" in that child - Sounds corny or cliche but it all really meant something to me.

    And so ... here we go. We have a meeting with a social worker and I have instructed my DH not to divulge the fact that for several weeks I bawled about this decision. Nothing will derail us!!!

     Also, a woman on the TTC after 35 board helped me. She is pregnant with twin boys : ) I can't wait!!!

     GL with your decision. And good luck to all the ladies on here : )

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