Cursing, Bad Words, Etc...

MrsPBNJ0220

Okay,

So I can not say that I by any means have a perfect mouth but my DH and I are able to turn it off when necessary and we are working to stop completely all together.  Now I'm not a sailor or anything though.

Here is the dillema though we feel very strong about cursing in front of children.  We don't do it in front of our Niece and Nephew (my sisters kids), but my BIL, my sister's husband does.  He says words that I wouldn't even say by myself, in front of my mother, etc...

We were just talking yesterday (DH and I) and we are trying to figure out the best way to deal with this.  Naturally we will not do it in front of the baby whether he/she is 1 day old or 4 years old.  Should we pull them to the side when it happens th first time and tell them we understand they do it but we don't want it being done around our child.

I will be a first time mother so I don't really know how to deal with this, let it go, say something, joke that there are little ears in the room.  Any second time mothers or anyone who has any idea how they would or will deal with something like this will be great.  Thanks a million in advance!

YouAreMyILoveYou

You can't police other people's speech. It doesn't sound like your BIL cares to change, so making a big deal out of it will just make it uncomfortable for everyone.

Your child won't even notice what he's saying until they are 3 or 4, and by then you should have explained to them what "bad words" are and why it's not nice to use them.

My 5 year old constantly tells on my 30 y/o brother when he's using foul language. I just say "Well, we don't talk like that. Uncle ____ is not using nice words and we only use nice words in our house." I don't try to dicipline my brother, though. 

missamelia5

Yeah, same problem with a few of my family members (dad, brother).  However, I've already dropped a few "hints" that they'll have to be careful about the way they talk around the baby once she's here.  My mom is on my side and has also been working on them.  I don't think they're offended, it just seems like it hadn't occurred to them that kids shouldn't have to hear those words.  Your situation sounds a lot different though, since he knows what he's saying and basically doesn't care.  I agree with PP, you can't really police what he's saying, but at the same time you really don't want your baby growing up around that language even if he/she knows it's wrong.  What does your sister (you said it was your BIL?) say about it?  Maybe you could talk to her and get her to tell him how you feel?  Do they have kids of their own?  Worst case scenario, if he won't stop and it bothers you that much I guess you could just limit time spent around him.  Hopefully it won't come to that though...  Good luck

cvl105

I would probably do the whole "children are in the room...language please".

fwittig@gmail.com

YouAreMyILoveYou:

Your child won't even notice what he's saying until they are 3 or 4, and by then you should have explained to them what "bad words" are and why it's not nice to use them.

My best friends baby is almost 2 and has been saying Oh Sh!t and Fvck You for quite a while. And you cN ask her if there's anything in her diaper and if she pooped she'll say Sh!t. She knows what one word means, but not the other, it still doesn't stop her from saying it. They put her in time out (you know, for like 30 seconds, she's still a baby) but I keep telling my friend that it's not going to stop if her and her husband don't stop talking like that in front of her. I personally would stand my ground on most occasions about it with my own child, but slip-ups happen, you can't stop it in every single conversation your kid hears.

MrsPBNJ0220

YouAreMyILoveYou:

You can't police other people's speech. It doesn't sound like your BIL cares to change, so making a big deal out of it will just make it uncomfortable for everyone.

Your child won't even notice what he's saying until they are 3 or 4, and by then you should have explained to them what "bad words" are and why it's not nice to use them.

My 5 year old constantly tells on my 30 y/o brother when he's using foul language. I just say "Well, we don't talk like that. Uncle ____ is not using nice words and we only use nice words in our house." I don't try to dicipline my brother, though. 

Considering I probably will not be seeing them all of the time, considering it's not like it's my husband or something, I totally see where you are coming from.  The last thing I want to do is make it uncomfortable when we do see them.

I know this may sound stupid but how do you explain what bad words are if my lo doesn't even know what they are?  It's funny you say your 5 year old tells on your brother because I just told my DH yesterday that our child probably would as well and if anything that would probably bring things to light better then we would talking to him.

I suppose it's easy now to assume we will feel a certain way or react a certain way but really we have no experience, so I appreciate your help so very much!

MrsPBNJ0220

missamelia5:

Yeah, same problem with a few of my family members (dad, brother).  However, I've already dropped a few "hints" that they'll have to be careful about the way they talk around the baby once she's here.  My mom is on my side and has also been working on them.  I don't think they're offended, it just seems like it hadn't occurred to them that kids shouldn't have to hear those words.  Your situation sounds a lot different though, since he knows what he's saying and basically doesn't care.  I agree with PP, you can't really police what he's saying, but at the same time you really don't want your baby growing up around that language even if he/she knows it's wrong.  What does your sister (you said it was your BIL?) say about it?  Maybe you could talk to her and get her to tell him how you feel?  Do they have kids of their own?  Worst case scenario, if he won't stop and it bothers you that much I guess you could just limit time spent around him.  Hopefully it won't come to that though...  Good luck

They do have children of their own a 7 year old and a 2 year old and even though they know their 7 year old picks up on things they still do it.  Which is why I don't believe they really care what they say.  He is the type of person who grew up around it and it was okay, so I know he may be more offended than accepting.  If they didn't have children of their own it may be easier but because they don't care what is said around their kids why should they care what is said around ours.

We don't even like the language in front of us but we know we are all adults and have tried not to police them as PP said.

Even if we did try to get them to stop at what age do you say something, from the start, or when they are old enough to understand?  It's just tough when you know the person will probably not care!

LaRue86

You sound like you will handle it a lot better than I will. My DH's mom will be fine, I think I scare her as she said she wants to watch the baby whenever we need followed immediately by, I wont smoke around the baby...His siblings and grandparents are a completely different story. When his grandfather met me for the first time, in front of me, said to my now husband, damn she is built like a brick *** house, promptly followed by, I wish I could have tapped something like that when I was your age. So that should give you a pretty good idea of my fears of what will come out of him. As far as his sister goes, well 3 Christmases ago she wanted to find out who in her family had the most sexual partners, including her mom, 2 Christmases ago she was trying to get her grandparents to buy sex toys for her and actually brought a catalog to the family Christmas. This year she kept flashing everyone, including her step dad and grandfather. Then we have to add the language in on top of it.

My husband promises me that his family will respect the fact that we do not want our kids exposed to language and material like that.  Our friends child first words were "Oh ***" and he used in context. We definitely plan on using the whole, "Children in the room, please be appropriate" but I have a feeling it will take me walking out with the baby and leaving to get my point across. 

tarmar81

Like others said, you can't police others' language...all you can do is remind them that there are children present and hope they take caution with their words.

I talk like such a sailor, I can only hope I don't slip up too often in front of my own kids!  I need to start a cursing jar and put a dollar in whenever I swear, I'd have plenty of money for the nursery!  I've been guilty of cussing at races before heading up some big hills, only to realize someone's little kids were on the sidelines cheering on the runners next to me.  Oops.

taitai07

MrsPBNJ0220:

YouAreMyILoveYou:

You can't police other people's speech. It doesn't sound like your BIL cares to change, so making a big deal out of it will just make it uncomfortable for everyone.

Your child won't even notice what he's saying until they are 3 or 4, and by then you should have explained to them what "bad words" are and why it's not nice to use them.

My 5 year old constantly tells on my 30 y/o brother when he's using foul language. I just say "Well, we don't talk like that. Uncle ____ is not using nice words and we only use nice words in our house." I don't try to dicipline my brother, though. 

Considering I probably will not be seeing them all of the time, considering it's not like it's my husband or something, I totally see where you are coming from.  The last thing I want to do is make it uncomfortable when we do see them.

I know this may sound stupid but how do you explain what bad words are if my lo doesn't even know what they are?  It's funny you say your 5 year old tells on your brother because I just told my DH yesterday that our child probably would as well and if anything that would probably bring things to light better then we would talking to him.

I suppose it's easy now to assume we will feel a certain way or react a certain way but really we have no experience, so I appreciate your help so very much!

My dad had a filthy mouth and never tried to curb it around my sister and me.  Once we were old enough to understand (maybe around 5 years old?), my mom sat us down and said "these are bad words" and rattled them off and said that we shouldn't use them until we were older. Probably not the best parenting choices, but it did work...I could understand the distinction between curse words and everything else.

Birdies08

I agree with PPs that the only part of this you can control is how you talk about it with your children.

Turtle143

Birdies08:

I agree with PPs that the only part of this you can control is how you talk about it with your children.

Agreeing with pps. If they don't hear it from your family, there's still a big chance they hear it from other kids.

Luckily that would not be a problem in my family because almost no one uses the f* word. DH and I don't curse either. The worse we've said when we'd slipped is sh*t. And once in a blue moon, the f word in the bedroom

YouAreMyILoveYou

fwittig@gmail.com:

YouAreMyILoveYou:

Your child won't even notice what he's saying until they are 3 or 4, and by then you should have explained to them what "bad words" are and why it's not nice to use them.

My best friends baby is almost 2 and has been saying Oh Sh!t and Fvck You for quite a while.

At 2 they are into repeating things, but the baby isn't saying the words because they MEAN to say bad words. That kind of defiance doesn't happen until 3 or 4, when they know that the word they are saying is bad and say it anyway -- usually out of anger.

Your kids are going to hear bad words everywhere -- think about some of the conversations you hear at the mall! We only addressed the words if my daughter asked what it meant or repeated it. That is when we would explain that it isn't a nice word and we don't use those kinds of words.

It will come naturally, don't worry, you'll know what to say when it happens.