Crap, now I'm "that" friend...

Oatoa · January 2011

It't been two months since my m/c and I think I've done a pretty good job and getting back to my life. So Saturday night I went to a re-gifting party. I'm having a good time, drinking my beer. A good friend of mine comes up to me, pulls me to the side and says "I wasn't sure how to tell you but I'm pregnant and not drinking tonight. I've been thinking about you a lot. I didn't want you to hear from anyone else." I tell her I'm fine, congratulations, super happy for you and at least I can drink my beer.

She looked so upset as she was telling me her awesome news. Of course her being upset made me upset so my eyes welled up and my face got all red. And let me tell you I am not attractive when I'm trying to hold crying in. They, of course, weren't even trying, she didn't realize etc etc. all the stuff you don't want to hear from someone when you are trying to be happy for someone. I can't figure out if I was upset over the fact that she is due two weeks after I would have been or that she was afraid/upset to tell me her good news. I don't want to be the woman that people don't want to share good news with because of my loss. I've never been a debbie-downer and don't want my friends to see me like that. I'd prefer to be seen as strong, well adjusted...not weepy and lost in my own troubles.

The one bonus to the story is that she cared enough to anticipate how I was going to react. I've seen so many stories on this board where a friend annouced a baby and then became upset at one of us for a less then stellar response. It was nice to know that she tried to do it without rubbing it in.

myaddiwaddi06 · January 2011

I am so glad that your friend was sensitive enough to care how you would feel. She must care a lot about you and she wouldn't if you weren't a great friend to her. It should be common sense that a woman who has experienced a m/c would be sensitive to preg announcements. It doesn't mean you are not strong or that you are a debbie downer. To me this is the ideal situation that like you mentioned doesn't always happen. (hugs)

martinimomma · January 2011

Oatoa:

The one bonus to the story is that she cared enough to anticipate how I was going to react. I've seen so many stories on this board where a friend annouced a baby and then became upset at one of us for a less then stellar response. It was nice to know that she tried to do it without rubbing it in.

((Hugs)). That is tough, and the only right way to feel is how you feel about it. And btw, you are strong and well-adjusted -- just look at your very thoughtful, rational response to this tough situation. Special kudos to your friend for the above-quoted part of the story. That is so much more sensitive than people tend to be after another's loss.

jenn0021 · January 2011

It's always hard to hear pregnancy announcements after a loss. I think that you dealt with the situation perfectly. I wouldn't beat yourself up about being upset, it's completely normal to feel that way. And good for your friend to realize that it was a delicate situation. It's nice to have friends who care enough to realize it may hurt you. And yay for being able to drink beer!

tmenard29 · January 2011

I recently had a friend/co-worker tell me she is pregnant (the first time this has happened since my m/c). She was really kind about it and told me in private and you could tell she was really excited. I was excited for her too. After telling me she started to get a bit upset though and cried because she was upset about my loss and that of another friend.

It was really nice to see her compassion and that she cared about how I felt. I couldn't help but tear up too. It is nice to have at least a few people around that care and are thoughtful in how that do/say things.

npilcher506 · January 2011

That does sound like a good friend! I wish I had more friends with that kind of consideration=) Good luck to you!!!

MommyandKate · January 2011

She's a great friend, and it sounds like you were being positive, strong and well-adjusted.

Pixiestx · January 2011

That happened to me on friday, I had a good friend announce that on the first try she's pg. She was nice enough to tell me in an email, then of course I ran into her picking up our kids who are in the same class b/c we were pg together the first time. I feel pretty crappy for tearing up trying to talk to her about it, but I'm trying to not beat myself up. I figure we all have these emotional responses that are largely out of our control. Once I got done crying (and drinking me beer that night) I figure what I can control is how I act from this point on. My loss was over a year ago so don't feel bad at all that you are having that reaction so soon after.

mandy6418 · January 2011

It's ok. I'm "that" friend too. When my cousins fiance told me she was KU, I lost it. Full on sobbing, blubberling mess. But she was so great. She let me cry on her shoulder and listened to me about how its not fair. I think she was prepared for it though. Her best friend had a m/c in the summer and reacted the same way. Friends like that are good to have.

Tapatio · January 2011

I completely understand how you feel. You don't want anyone's pity. I think you handled yourself very well considering the unexpected news you received. Having someone announce a surprise pg isn't always pleasant because it can stir up some pretty ugly emotions. Thankfully you're friend seems really sensitive and considerate.

clauseka · January 2011

Your friend sounds really thoughtful. I think you aren't "that" friend, you're just "a friend" in "that" unfair place. I hope you wont be there long. I also think you are very strong to be able to share your true feelings to your friend even when you fear it will expose your weaknesses. Just my two cent. ((Hugs to You))

jertie · January 2011

Seriously, good for you and your friend! I think it's wonderful that she pulled you aside and told you her news. That was incredibly sweet and sensitive of her. Sounds like you're a sympathetic crier (I am too). I cry when someone else starts - and it's not pretty. After my loss, I've also been pretty bad at figuing out what I'm feeling and why - so I just go with it and try not to overanalyze (try, don't always succeed). I know it isn't easy to get this type of news though. ((HUGS))