I need help - long

ceceandme222

I know I never post here, but I am at my whits end and don't know what to do. Doing AP is like the only parenting decision I made during pregnancy, and I am royally failing, and I don't know what else to try or do differently. I know that it isn't about doing all 7 Bs, but honestly I haven't been able to do one! Backround - 

1. Birth Bonding - my DD had a suspected colon defect, so after my emergency c section following a failed induction, she was immediately taken away for observation. When I did get to finally see her, she had a million wires hooked up including a tube in her mouth emptying her stomach, and I was numb from the chest down and exhausted. We were mostly separate for 3 days. I think being so upset by all that prevented us from bonding, and although we are bonded now, it feels more like she is desperate for my attention and I am desperate for a break. 

2. Breastfeeding - because of the colon situation, she ate nothing for 2 days (she had sugar water in an iv), and when I tried breastfeeding she would not latch. I pumped and she got what I could, but in order to get her out of the special care she had to have a certain input output ratio, so I decided to give her formula to get her to come up to my room. 3 lactation consultants later I still couldn't get her to latch, EPed for 6 weeks, then finally quit after my supply basically dried up and I was exhausted. 

3.Baby wearing - She hated the moby since day 1, but love the Bjjorn. Since I know its bad for her hips, we only use it rarely and I support her. I can't afford an ergo right now - the Bjorn was a hand me down.

4. Co-sleeping - she slept in a bassinet and then her crib in our room until 6 months, then we moved her to her own room. She sleeps better in there, but our big issue now is waking up for the day at 3:30 am -more on that later. We co-sleep occasionally, but she likes to roll all around and usually doesn't sleep well in bed with me.   

5. Belief.... - I believe she is trying to communicate, but I still feel at time like I don't know what. I know when to feed/change/sleep her, but other times I cannot figure it out, esp. at night.

6. Beware.... - I haven't used them until now, but we just tried cry it out this morning. I last 40 minuted until she sounded like her breathing was getting funny. I did not want to do it, don't want to try again, but need some sleep.

7. Balance - I am trying, but we are both exhausted (DH works 70 hours/week at night) we have no help nearby and no real adult time.

Basically, she is continually trying to start her day at 3:30 in the morning. For about 5 months, she will do this at least once a week. We will both rock her, shush her, do anything and she will not go back to sleep. It doesn't matter what time she goes to bed. She is fed and changed. We tried CIO today, it did not work. What else is there. I know it is my job as her mother to ensure that she gets enough rest but I do not know what else to do. I quit grad school and am staying at home to try and be a good parent but it doesn't seem to be working and I need to make it work. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If anyone actually read all of this, Thanks.  

princessjenney

Maybe try reading the no-cry sleep solution. It's got some good info about sleep and some helpful suggestions. The thing that really helped us was following a bedtime routine. Ours is simple: bath, book, nurse, bed. If I skip any of those it takes way longer to put her down and she wakes up alot more.

HappyMommy28

Give yourself a break.  You had a rough start.  I'm new to all of this as well but I think the best thing about AP is that you do what works for you.  I also didn't get my birth bonding.  I had an emergency c section so I never got the baby on my chest right away like I had always imagined.  It took us 4 weeks before I felt any special bond. 

As for Breastfeeding - it's not your fault.  Your a mom who did what was best for your daughter.  

As for baby wearing - DS hated be wrapped.  He still cries a little at first.  But if I let him fuss a bit and walk around he eventually stops.  He's slowly getting used to it.   There are Mei Tai carriers on ebay for $24.  I think the lady makes them by hand.  Is that something that is more affordable? Or something you'd even want to try?

If your LO doesn't want to co sleep there is nothing you can do about that.  Some babies don't want to and they will sleep better on their own.  Nothing wrong with that.

I don't have any advice for the crying.  DS will wake up - often in the wee hours of the morning and cry.  I will feed him, change him, and then wont be able to get back to sleep for at least two hours.  I have to basically hold him the entire time.

Is there a neighbor or good friend who could watch your daughter?  Maybe your DH works with someone who has a daughter that could babysit so you can go out once in a while?

Again, I'm new at this two.  But I don't think that AP is so rigid it can't be  changed to fix your schedule.

ncbelle

First, don't be so hard on yourself!  Mamahood is hard and as much as we want to be perfect, we can't.  While I think it's normal to feel disappointment about things like your birth experience and breastfeeding not going as planned, you can't let that color your experience now - those things don't make you a bad mama in the least!

For the sleep issue,  for us 8-10 months was by far our peak of wakefulness.  There's so much going on for them at that age.  Is she working on any new skills like crawling or pulling up or walking or is she getting teeth?  Those things can do a number on sleep.  I agree with the advice to read the No Cry Sleep Solution for some tips on how to help her sleep better.  What are her naps like?  That can also really impact her nighttime sleep.

If you want to try babywearing again, a mei tai might be an affordable option.  The moby is really not supportive enough to be comfy for you at 8 months.  You could sell it and put that money towards something else.  I'm admittedly not a bjorn fan but with an 8 months old, it will definitely get uncomfy quick!  A Kozy Mei tai might be a good option for you - new, they retail for aroun $60 and are often on sale.  Used, you can find them for less.  My siggy link has lots of info including tips on where to buy and what to look for.

My biggest advice would be to try to stop critiquing yourself and just love on your baby - that's what matters most in parenting.  None of us have a magic formula; we just do the best we can!

nekorayne

::HUGS:: put that mama guilt away. It is only making things worse and making you feel bad about things that are t your fault. Your LO will pick up on that stress and it is not good for eather of you.

 

Sometimes things do not go the way we believe right.  I wanted a natural birth with no meds more then anything. It was so important to me. I ended up with an emergency c-section due to EXTREME toxemia that put both LO's and my life at risk. They ended up putting a vertical cut on my uterus due to another emergency that left me unable to ever try a natural birth in the future.   I never got to feel labor and never will since I have to have future babies removed at 36 weeks so I won't rupture. With my natural beliefs I was crushed and felt so guilty. For months I agonized over it. I felt like less of a women. One day I decieded that I was healthy and so was LO and it was a dream I could put aside and forgive for. We did what was right for us and I HAD to stop the guilt and move on. I have felt amazing since.

You need to do that to. Especially about the BF. It happens. You did your best and that is all you can do. 

As for everything else. I agree about reading NCSS. Also this may seem like silly advice but could you do a floor bed? If LO is rolling or crawling maybe they would wake up and play by herself if she had the ability to get out of bed? My LO is only 7 months and just rolls around. Sometimes (not all) he will wake up early and roll out of bed and look around or even get to a toy to play! It is crazy that at this age they can do this, but it may be worth a try! Just make sure you have a VERY babyproof room for LO!

What time do ypu put LO to bed? I found out that my LO needed to go to a bed a bit later and have  a bedtime routie to stay down longer.

Good luck! 

lolagrinnin

ncbelle:

My biggest advice would be to try to stop critiquing yourself and just love on your baby - that's what matters most in parenting.  None of us have a magic formula; we just do the best we can!

A thousand times this. Think about the reasons why you made the decision to follow AP as your parenting guide - it probably wasn't because of what the 7 B's actually are, but because of what they mean. I think a lot of people are drawn to AP because the principles seem natural, loving and thoughtful. At some point, I had to spend some time thinking about my choices and feelings about AP, and found that trying to do what I was "supposed" to be doing caused me more stress and heartache than doing what felt right at that point.

And as far as the night wakings (which I'm convinced are the thing that will send any parent of a baby over the edge into the abyss of self-doubt!), we eventually stopped *trying* to make DD go back to sleep. Our goal is just to comfort her if she is upset, not necessarily to get her to go to sleep - just that change in mindset made a HUGE difference in how stressful we found night wakings. On a night when there is little sleep, I go to bed obscenely early the following night. Some nights one or both of us are up for a couple hours, some nights we get a glorious 6 or 7 hours straight. The key for us, though, was removing the feeling that we were battling DD to get her to sleep.

ceceandme222

Thank you for your responses. I do feel a lot of guilt, and although I wouldn't want anyone else to feel that way, reading that others did too makes me feel like I am not alone and its OK, but I know I need to get over it. I have never really spoken to my husband about how I felt about all of this because he is an eternal optimist, and just writing it out makes me feel a lot better. 

I will definitely be getting that book. We have a nighttime routine that works well, however, she wants to go to bed at 5 pm every day. I have tried making that time a nap, but it has not worked yet. I think I will keep doing what I am doing until I get the book. I will also be looking into that other carrier that was mentioned on e-bay. I have seen the mei tais before (sorry if the spelling is off) but didn't know I could find one so cheap. 

Thanks again! 

BelhurstBride

I agree with ncbelle, give yourself a break! You're doing a great job!

APing isn't just about those B's and the stuff you do (BFing, BWing, ect) but how you respond to your child. You've attempted (and I'm going to guess succeeded) at creating a secure bond with your child. What about a different list: 

1. Feed with Love and Respect
2. Respond with Sensitivity
3. Use Nurturing Touch
4. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
5. Provide Consistent Loving Care
6. Practice Positive Discipline
7. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

Less daunting than the Sears' list? You're doing the best you can do with your child's needs at heart. That's awesome!

 

nekorayne

lolagrinnin:

ncbelle:

My biggest advice would be to try to stop critiquing yourself and just love on your baby - that's what matters most in parenting.  None of us have a magic formula; we just do the best we can!

A thousand times this. Think about the reasons why you made the decision to follow AP as your parenting guide - it probably wasn't because of what the 7 B's actually are, but because of what they mean. I think a lot of people are drawn to AP because the principles seem natural, loving and thoughtful. At some point, I had to spend some time thinking about my choices and feelings about AP, and found that trying to do what I was "supposed" to be doing caused me more stress and heartache than doing what felt right at that point.

And as far as the night wakings (which I'm convinced are the thing that will send any parent of a baby over the edge into the abyss of self-doubt!), we eventually stopped *trying* to make DD go back to sleep. Our goal is just to comfort her if she is upset, not necessarily to get her to go to sleep - just that change in mindset made a HUGE difference in how stressful we found night wakings. On a night when there is little sleep, I go to bed obscenely early the following night. Some nights one or both of us are up for a couple hours, some nights we get a glorious 6 or 7 hours straight. The key for us, though, was removing the feeling that we were battling DD to get her to sleep.

 

This is so true to! We started doing "whatever works" and just going with the flow and felt less stressed. Great advice! 

hailey1312

I don't know how much help I'll be but when my DD woke up early/wakes up too early, and won't go back to sleep, I let her be up for an hour or so till she gets tired again (nurse her change her) then rock her back to sleep and put her down (she thinks it's "nap" time since she's been up for a while, I think it's a continuation of the night just a little bit broken up) and then I go back to sleep. Eventually she will go back to sleep,even if it's for a "nap" several hours later, but unless you have somewhere you have to be, go back to bed when she finally goes back down then try again the next night.