major family vent (really really long)--(warning babies and pregnancy mentioned-not mine!)

fireflies0306

Hi all-- i guess this would be my first official post, besides the intro.  but something extremely upsetting just happened to me and my DH, and i need to get it out, and figure out what to do next, and how to act around these particular family members.

my husband's cousin and husband are very "christian"...now, i am christian too, and i don't want to offend those with faith and not just talk the talk, but walk the walk as well, but they are the superficial christians that belive their live is truly good and blessed b/c they go to church, and pray together and raise their family according to godly principles.  and if something negative happens to anyone, its b/c their faith wasn't strong enough, or b/c they were sinners.  so i've always had an issue with their hypocrisy, but knew enough that it wasn't something that bothered DH and his mom to the point of bringing it up, so i kept my mouth shut (for the most part, if she said anything offensive, i would bring my pov to the table).  anyway-the day after we found out about our son, we went to their house to tell them face to face b/c they had been so excited for us.  her response--she sat in the middle of her kitchen floor and gathered her 3 children into her lap and just cried and rocked--and allowed us to show ourselves out.  now...she has 1 boy and twin girls--that almost died b/c they were born prematurely b/c she wouldn't stay on bedrest and were in the hosptial on life support for a while, then they were weaned off.  they were able to come home after 3-4 months.  so you would think that while she never experienced a loss like this, maybe she would show some of that christian compassion, or at least family love.  but she didn't.  fast forward 2 weeks, where everyone else was calling, messaging, or texting me, or just stopping by to check on me and my DH or if they could help with my two DD's (from previous marriage).  everyone in the family was told that I would appreciate company, but really wasn't ready to "pretend" to be normal and go out in public for a cup of coffee.  she messaged me one friday afternoon to see if i wanted to go out for a night on the town b/c her DH could watch her kids.  I replied no thanks, i wasn't really up for going out in public.

other than that, no visits, no phone calls, nothing.  please know that she is a sahm, and also lives literally 1 block away-we can see her house from our front yard, and her mom lives across the street from her and watches the kids for her whenever she wants to get out.  when i say no contact...there was no contact.  not a card--nothing.  and his family is very big into family contact.

so, the week of christmas (i learned this next piece after the fact, my in laws didn't want me to know about it), they sent out their christmas cards, with a christmas letter "bragging" about how God had blessed them, and their life is wonderful and grand b/c they love God so much.  My entire in law family felt it was inappropriate for them to send it out, especially to us, b/c it came across as a slap in the face to us.  so i never saw it.  

When DH's cousin called after christmas, for no reason except they wanted to talk to him, they wanted to know why I had unfriended her from FB (again, insensitivity, and i didn't need to keep getting messages from her about petty things about how wonderful life was, isn't it), and when he tried to explain how hurt we were, and just needed our space if they weren't going to be sensitive, they would just have to understand we couldn't talk to them right  now.  we would contact them when we were ready.  her husband seemed to understand.

so tonight, i read my DH's message from his cousin, requesting that we return the singleton jogger stroller and any maternity clothes she had lent me as soon as possible.  (i had given her my double stroller in exchange for the single--since she needed a double and I only needed a single).  I contacted my MIL and asked how i should approach this.  and did she know if maybe she was pregnant.  My mil said  no, she didn't know, but just tell her that if she wanted the single stroller back, we would need the double then.  easy--don't get into anything, just tell her that.  So, i did.  What i got back was screaming Why are you tearing apart our family? Why are you doing this? You are taking him away and keeping us all apart as a family!  I calmly said I'm not starting anything, I haven't started anything, and if you want the single, fine, but we might need a stroller too, and we would like my double one back.  She screamed "i'm pregnant and i still use the double what am i supposed to do?"  i said nothing--not congratulations, nada, zip.  I was blown away.  even though i think i knew.  but she is accusing me of tearing apart their family--when all i've been doing is grieving with my immediate family and those that have chosen to stay by us during this time.  i haven't spoken to her at all since we first told them of the baby.  I told her i might still need a stroller, so i would switch the two.  the silence was deafening--you know what she was thinking--why would i need a stroller?  my baby was dead.  she started to scream at me again, and said she wanted to talk to her cousin, who i gladly passed the phone to.   my dh said the same thing i had already said, and tried to speak to her husband, and again, the same discussion without screaming.  they dont' understand why we would still need a stroller.  

ok...so my mil is on our side b/c they called her after the phone call to us got no where, and basically let loose on them for everything they have failed to do, then to have the nerve to annouce they were pregnant to us, and complain b/c it was unexpected.  here we are, trying to pick up the pieces of a family, and my mil is barely able to process the future of maybe another grandchild, how could they possibly expect us to handle being accused of not having any more kids right n ow, and they throw their pregnancy in our faces (ok, i'll lightened up on this one, i just feel like they are throwing it in our faces).  

phew...ok...i'm sorry for letting loose.  i just can't believe their audacity!  and to top it off, they conceived their baby the same time we told them our baby died---WTF!!!  i just wish they had a filter and a book of ettiquette to read on how to properly conduct themselves outside of their church world.

ok-thanks for reading if you made it to this point....and any advice on how to continue to deal with them would be helpful.  my idea is to just avoid avoid avoid! 

Gilgenbach2007

I'm so sorry your family has been so unsupportive.  It seems like the more you say to them, the worse the replies get.  I would try to avoid them also.  ((big hugs))

clauseka

WOW!  - That is a whole lot of drama to deal with during such a rough time in life to begin with.  So sorry they cannot step outside of their own lives to see how their actions affect others.  That sucks. ((Hugs to You)).  I don't have a lot of advice other than to do what is best for you and DH right now.  Some people can be poisonous...that probably sounds awful and is not to say they can never be a part of your life, but maybe just not right now since they just don't get it.

TheGregory's07

That is horrible of her, I can't believe she says she is a christain when she acts like this. That is not how one should act. I am so sorry that you are going through this. 

 

HadleyS

Horrible, just plain horrible.  You have bump friends here and yes, you need to get this vent out.  I am so sorry that this has happened to you.  You are in my thoughts and prayers...and I suppose your DH's cousin too because she certainly needs to receive the message that she is being hurtful, hurtful, hurtful.

SassyRedhead

Wow, just wow.  I am SO sorry you have to deal with any of that and don't even get me started on the preachy Christians!!! 

 My advice would be to ignore their existence until they apologize for their atrocious behavior.  (((Hugs)))

butterflynola

Wow litterally I don't know what to say what a nut job I am so sorry you had to deal with that.

butterfly843

Sending big hugs your way. So sorry that they are so insensitive. They sound like some people in my family who are also superficial christians that I just cut out of my life because I couldn't take their drama anymore.

LilMaggs

*huge hugs and a cup of hot cocoa*  That is beyond uncalled for.  What a hypocritical b!tch! What you asked was perfectly reasonable.  Oooooooooh, that insensitive twatwaffle has me itching to give me her a vag punch!

Temp774929562501329

::hugs:: i'm so sorry for what you are going through.  you'd expect to at least have the support of family when going through something as terrible as this.  i hope she comes to her senses and tries to be more compassionate. 

PolyMama2Be

I'm big on the whole "you can't reason with crazy" line of thinking and this woman is crazy. Maybe not in the mental health sort of way, but definitely in the "my life is too blessed to be concerned about the plights of others" sort of way.

I would avoid her outside of any kind of family gatherings and even there I would keep a polite distance. Sadly, some people will never learn because all they know is MEMEME.

Good luck and I'm sorry you have to go through that! 

emmeelou

I am so sorry this happened to you.  Avoidance is the right route.  I'm sure that God will surely bless them with a double stroller of their own. 

MommyandKate

That is absolutely incredible!  Avoiding seems like the right thing to do.

linz85

Wow, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! Like PP's said, I think your best option would be to avoid them for a while since it seems that talking to them only seems to escalate things. It sucks when you can't even count on family to be supportive...I hope things get better soon!

fireflies0306

I can't thank you ladies enough for all of your support!  when i talked to DH at my lunch (we are both teachers) he was really struggling and is so pissed at her, i can say that he's always been loyal to his family but this had him so worked up and upset, he wants nothing to do with them either.  its a relief to know that he and i are on the same page (as well as on the same page with you guys!).  i've been txting my mil all morning--it started out as a thank you for trying to stand up for us, and turned into tears (yes through txting,) and that she is just going through it too and doesn't know why her niece is acting like this.  i commented that maybe i should send her the link to my blog to get a clue--not to start anything, but maybe someone needs to pass on information about how this loss has been affecting us--maybe (even though she probably won't read it).  and my mil agreed, and so did DH.  so i sent it to her, with a little note (yes, it was a bit snarky, i'll admit, and i called them the most selfish hypocritical christians i ever met, and boohoo, this pregnancy is unexpected and they are stressed--then don't expect a congratulations from us b/c at least they have a chance of a take home baby).  she logged on around 2:30, and sent my DH another FB message simply "I'm sorry  it had to end this way"...like its a breakup!  you are cousins with him, can you really break up? anyway---it is just so ridiculous, but in a way, it finally has me, DH and my mil all talking about it, and how we are definitely more sensitive now, but understanding that we need to protect this family in order to survive.  my mil even deleted FB, and i am considering it too.

anyway--thank you again ladies!  As much as i hate we are all here, I am glad to be surrounded by you all!