when do you think it starts being more about your convinience?

someflower6

does anyone watch the show "the middle"? i'm not a huge fan but it was on in the background last night. from what i could tell, the mom and dad were basically fed up with putting their lives on hold in order to do everything the kids wanted. granted, they had older children (like, 7 and up i think? maybe older?) and these kids were very demanding in the sense that they always had to be somewhere (go to a friends, go to the mall, etc) or needed help (help me with my homeowrk, help me with this project, etc). at the end of the episode the mom of these older children sees a mom of a younger child (less than 2). the little one is crying and the mama says things like "what do you need, baby? do you need mommy to give you the pacifier? your bear? what can i do for you?" and the mom of the older child says "don't do it! don't give him what HE wants, give him what YOU want him to have!" it was supposed to be funny.

so if you got this far, my question is, what is your AP perspective on this? when do children get to the age where it's less about giving into their wants/needs and more about your own convinience? i'm genuinely curious because my LO is still an itty bitty so her wants ARE her needs but i know eventually it wont be like that.

MissyOlivePants

I might be wrong about this - but when it comes to my childs NEEDS, it's never about my convenience, regardless of how old the child is.  Now, a WANT on the other hand...just depends on the want & the situation.

EmmieB

MissyOlivePants:

I might be wrong about this - but when it comes to my childs NEEDS, it's never about my convenience, regardless of how old the child is.  Now, a WANT on the other hand...just depends on the want & the situation.

this. exactly.

aglenn

I am kind of struggling with similar questions right now because DD is definitely in the limits-testing phase.  She will see something she wants but isn't supposed to have (like a candle, for instance) and start with "Touch it?  Touch it one finger?"  Then, if she gets an OK on that, it becomes "Hold it?"  then "Hold it?  Walk around?"  It is actually pretty funny and I love seeing her mind work through the process, but of course it is less funny when she is insisting on doing things that are not safe or refusing to do things like get a clean diaper put on. 

So, a lot of situations are pretty clear to me in terms of where to draw the line, because obviously health and safety come first.  But then it comes to things like the 8 million night wakings and I start to wonder, at this age, does she really need me to say no to getting up and rocking and enforce that this is sleeping time?  Maybe she is really looking for direction there (or maybe I am trying to justify in my mind drawing some limits that I really just need to draw for myself). 

I guess I have more questions than answers, but in general I think of it (outside of the obvious health and safety issues) as a matter of balance within the family and less of a power or control struggle or a decision about who is in "charge" or whatever.

BelhurstBride

MissyOlivePants:

I might be wrong about this - but when it comes to my childs NEEDS, it's never about my convenience, regardless of how old the child is.  Now, a WANT on the other hand...just depends on the want & the situation.

I agree with this statement. I hope that when it comes to meeting my child's needs that it never comes down to what's more convenient for me. 

Fulbri05

I watched that episode last night and thought it was hilarious.

when do children get to the age where it's less about giving into their wants/needs and more about your own convinience?

I think it's whenever their wants and needs become seperate things. At the baby stage when my son cries for a paci or food, he actually needs it to feel secure or full. When he's 3 and cries for a new toy or a cookie, he doesn't need a toy or cookie unless that's the only food available and he's hungry. I think the show was talking about how more kids are spoiled these days, which I totally agree with. My husband and I were talking about this after the show. Both of our parents never dropped whatever they were doing to run an umbrella to us at school, or went to 4 different places to pick up dinner so we all got exactly what we wanted. But my parents definitely cater more to my 15 year old sister and would fix her a different dinner if she didn't like what was already on the table. I think it's a sign of the times that parents put their needs on hold for their kids wants. Back in my day (haha) I would have had to eat whatever was put in front of me.

anna7602

I don't know the show you're talking about, but I think ideally, you set the tone for what your children should and can expect of you and you establish the kind of relationship in which you feel like you can talk to each other. I don't have older kids, so I really can't speak to this, but there are only so many hours in a day. You can't reasonably drive a child to the mall, help him/her with his homework, get dinner ready and on the table and respond to any other crisis along the way every evening without losing your sanity (I would think). BUT, you can try to make compromises and encourage independence in certain areas (like homework, honestly, I did my homework on my own every night growing up and really only asked for my parents' help when there was something I truly didn't understand; I knew they would be willing to help if I needed it, but the expectation was that I would try on my own first) and set ground rules so that the kids' "wants" aren't confused with their "needs."

As for the age cut-off, I don't know what it is exactly, but DD already has "wants" that are not "needs." Like last night, for example, when I had to cancel a play date because DD suddenly spiked a fever an hour before a little girl was supposed to come over. DD was absolutely beside herself, swearing she didn't feel sick and that she "needed" to play with someone else, but I had to be conscious of this other girl's health. DD also regularly tells me she "needs" a little brother or sister, but I think it's the best thing for our family right now to not have any more children. I am sure there will be lots of decisions to be made like this along the way. An outsider might look at them as a "convenience" factor (believe me, I've gotten my share of speeches from friends with 2 or more kids about how I really should get on the TTC bandwagon right now and how my reasons for not TTC are "flimsy"), but it's much less black & white than that.

TabithaGoins

I have a SS who's 14 (he lives with us permanently) and a DD who's 12.  I think it's all about balance at this point.  It's still about their "needs" cause they are our children.  I just find that the older they get their needs change and sometimes their needs become less and sometimes they become more.  Just depending on what's going on in their lives.  But it's the same as when you have a little one, you still need to find a balance and have you time as well.  I may run around with kids all day long, driving them here and there, going to footballgames, choras and band  concerts and taking care of my little guy...but then at the end of the night it's me time.  They all have bedtimes, so I usually get in my time.

But yes as pp said needs are very different than wants. 

Just read some of the other responses..and I guess I was talking more about needs.  We don't give into wants, like catering to what they want to eat, etc. It's about needs but not wants here

The_Spanish_Inquisition

I agree that when it comes to real, actual needs, I'll always put my child before myself.

I'll start explaining the difference between wants and needs when I think DS is old enough to understand. I think this is an important lesson that's been falling between the cracks in our society lately. There are plenty of adults in our culture who don't seem to understand the difference between a need and a want, and I think it's an important distinction to make.

webMistress0609

I agree with pp about wants vs needs. Also, I think children need to feel capable of doing things themselves if they are able to. Never do for a child what they can do themselves. This doesn't mean don't help them if they need it, show them how to do it properly, let them try themselves & make mistakes - it just means don't do it for them if they are capable of doing it themselves. A simple example - last night my SD asks how to spell a word. I said "try sounding it out, what do you think?" I could have just spelled it for her.

There's a section in the Positive Discipline book about children who misbehave & act out of a need for undue attention. SD is very much like this. We've learned the hard way that giving in leads to more misbehavior, more "needs" that are really wants, more whining, etc. Giving her a push to do it herself & giving her the opportunity to feel capable & needed makes her a happier kid & boosts her self esteem. 

MomOf2Littles

i think it depends.  the older they get you can reason more with them.  you know what is a need vs wants...or just being a brat...kwim??  i think it's about balance as they get older.  i mean...my older kids might want me to drive them to 10 places but I'm not necessarily going to do everything they WANT.  I will certainly always meet their needs though.

mrsfirefly

MissyOlivePants:

I might be wrong about this - but when it comes to my childs NEEDS, it's never about my convenience, regardless of how old the child is.  Now, a WANT on the other hand...just depends on the want & the situation.

Well said.  And I think clarifying wants and needs becomes especially important in the tween/adolescent years.  For example, you may want a ride to a friend's house, but you don't really need to go if we need to go to the grocery store.

BelhurstBride

Man, the thought of trying to deal with A teenager, let alone 2 or 3 of them and trying to come to an agreement of what their wants vs needs actually are scares the ever living crap out of me.

Angela814

MissyOlivePants:

I might be wrong about this - but when it comes to my childs NEEDS, it's never about my convenience, regardless of how old the child is.  Now, a WANT on the other hand...just depends on the want & the situation.

I think this says it perfectly.