One of my best friends told me she cheated on her husband...

stormy852

and I don't know what to do. I tried to not completely flip out and over-react because I thought maybe with all my pregnancy hormones I would say something I might regret. But now when I think about it I wish I had been more harsh. It really really upset me and she has kids with her husband. I knew they were having issues but I never thought it would get to this point. 

She assured me she would never do this again, and that what happened made her realize she loves her husband and wants to work on the relationship. She asked me not to tell anyone and I agreed. I feel like it's not my secret to tell and it's none of my business what happens in her marriage...but I am just so so upset. I came home and cried for hours. I just feel so sorry for her kids and husband and I'm scared for her because if her husband ever finds out he will immediately divorce her.

I try not to judge other people as much as possible but I can't help but be terribly upset and judgmental about this....I mean I can't imagine ever cheating on my husband but then again I am happily married and she is not...so our situations are different, but still! I like to think that if I was unhappily married I still wouldn't cheat...

I just don't know what to do. I feel incredibly burdened by this and just so so so upset.

DowagerCountessofNJ

I think it was pretty selfish of your friend to dump that kind of confession on you.  I'd more upset about that than what she's doing to her marriage.

susieandmarty

i cannot imagine what i would be like if this happened to me.  it is completely unfair for your friend to unburden herself by burdening you.  then again, she is a friend and probably needed someone to talk to.

I would just say - maybe you need to pull away from this friend for a bit and give yourself the distance as she tries to salvage her marriage.

i am so sorry that this happened, but like you i would be incredibly upset by this.

Luckywe1

If your best friend confided in you about this you should feel as free as you want to tell her exactly how you feel about it. She didn't tell you to make herself feel better, so you should go back and tell her what you think and be as harsh as you want. In the end it is her marriage and her situation not yours. So I would be a friend to her, but don't feel burdened over her mistake.

butterfly62682

I understand the position you are in. I was put in a similar position before. One of my really great friends had a rumor going around about her sleeping around a couple of times on her husband, like I said it was just a rumor and I had no concrete evidence. I confronted my friend about these (she denied it), but I told her, if I found out it was true I would tell her husband if she chose not too. (I am friends with husband also).

I am a huge advocate for taking responsibility for your own mistakes. It was a choice she made (no matter the circumstances) and broke the sanctity of marriage. She needs to put her big girl pants on and talk to her husband about this. It is not your burden to carry.

cvl105

That's crazy. I can't imagine knowing something like that either. That wasn't really fair of her to tell you something so serious...although, I guess that's what best friends are for.

stormy852

Thank you all so much for listening to my venting. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't tell anyone. I had never thought about her being selfish in telling me, and now that it's been mentioned I feel like this is the whole story of our friendship...it never effected me this much before but now I just don't know what to do with myself. 

Ambeerose

Luckywe1:

If your best friend confided in you about this you should feel as free as you want to tell her exactly how you feel about it. She didn't tell you to make herself feel better, so you should go back and tell her what you think and be as harsh as you want. In the end it is her marriage and her situation not yours. So I would be a friend to her, but don't feel burdened over her mistake.

ETA: Don't know what happened but it posted before I could finish typing...anyway. My best friend did tell me she cheated on her husband last year (they had been having problems for months and she was trying to decide whether to leave him or not) Well she ended up sleeping with another man (MANY) times before she left her husband. I flat out told her that she should leave her husband and quit living 2 lives. She is my best friend afterall so I don't care how she took it, it was stupid but I couldn't make her do anything. She finally ended up leaving him after 6 months of "thinking about leaving." MH and I ended up getting into a couple arguments over this b/c her H was his friend but we got over it quickly realizing/deciding it wasn't really our problem and we wouldn't talk about it anymore. I think it's best if you're honest with her especially about how you feel. If she felt comfortable telling you then you have the right to give your opinion, she might have wanted you to give her advice about the whole thing maybe. Good luck, and try to not let it get you down since you can't do anything to change it.

b55c

awkward.  awkward.  awkward.  i had a less serious situation to deal with a few years ago.  at my bachelorette party, one of the girls got drunk and started making out with a random guy.  can't imagine what her husband would have to say about it.  i never ended up telling my dh about it (he's very good friends with her husband) and i still feel a little weird about not telling him.

but your story is much more serious.  would it be worth it to suggest a therapist?  having someone else for her to talk to might be a good idea. 

kimindc

I was in a similar situation once.  While I was very upset for my friend, I didn't want her to lose her marriage, worried that she didn't understand the repercussions of her mistakes, etc.  I let her talk to me about everything.  She was very confused at the time.  I let her talk it out and I was there to support her.

In my situation I didn't feel burden but felt like I was needed to be a good friend and listen and point out the obvious in a very delicate way.  Like have you thought through what would happen if X finds out?  Are you prepared for that to happen?  I tried my best not to judge and let her know I was there if she needed to talk. 

This isn't about you, this is about her marriage, put your feelings aside and try to be a good friend. Thats probably why she came to you in the first place because she trusts you and values your opinion. 

Sazhrah

best friends are for confiding in. I tell my BFFs all of my secrets and vice versa. This obviously affected you very much due to your moral values. Quite understandably. But, on the other hand you need to tell her exactly how you feel about it. If you can't be 100% honest with your best friend then you aren't best friends. My BFFs tell me exactly what they feel whether I agree with it or not. It may hurt but at least I know they are comfortable in telling me so and I have nothing but respect for that.

If she gets upset too bad. She should have thought of that before she decided to cheat and tell you. Remember, we all fall and make stupid mistakes (some more than others) and we all need that one person to slap us back to reality. Her decision to tell her husband is hers alone but now that you know it is not hers to decide how you feel about it. Also, as her best friend you can do everything you can to support her in being honest with her husband. I wouldn't run the other way when she obviously needs someone to help her.

Turtle143

Sazhrah:

best friends are for confiding in. I tell my BFFs all of my secrets and vice versa. This obviously affected you very much due to your moral values. Quite understandably. But, on the other hand you need to tell her exactly how you feel about it. If you can't be 100% honest with your best friend then you aren't best friends. My BFFs tell me exactly what they feel whether I agree with it or not. It may hurt but at least I know they are comfortable in telling me so and I have nothing but respect for that.

If she gets upset too bad. She should have thought of that before she decided to cheat and tell you. Remember, we all fall and make stupid mistakes (some more than others) and we all need that one person to slap us back to reality. Her decision to tell her husband is hers alone but now that you know it is not hers to decide how you feel about it. Also, as her best friend you can do everything you can to support her in being honest with her husband. I wouldn't run the other way when she obviously needs someone to help her.

In total agreement with all of this. I don't think it's selfish of her to confide in you what she did since you consider her BFF. However, you do need to tell her how that is making you feel.

TheMrsHodges

My best friend, just a couple of days ago, told me that one of her close friends (who I also knew from high school and have seen a couple of times since then) has been cheating on her husband with several men and several different times. They have two kids, they just had the 2nd one a couple of months ago. I never really like this girl because she was always an attention whore and kind of a slut but I thought she had really changed since getting pregnant and getting married. I feel really bad for her husband, I've only met him once but he seems like such a nice guy and he works hard for the family, he bought them a new house, he pays for everything to keep her happy, she has a nice car and everything and she's a stay out home mom but instead of being appreciate my best friend tells me that she fights with him constantly and is just plain mean to him. 

According to my best friend, she feels like this girl isn't happy with her stay out home mom life. She used to party a lot during her first semester of college and that's actually when she got pregnant and married her husband a couple of months before giving birth. She apparently feels like she doesn't want to give up that life and she feels trapped. Regardless I still feel really bad for her husband, every time I see her facebook on my feed it makes me cringe thinking of what she's doing to her husband.