3rd Trimester

Help! My mom is out of control.

Hi all,

I am due in 9 days.  My mother is a living, breathing, terror and has been a constant nightmare in my life for many years.  I'm 28 yo now, but I remember she started changing when I was about 13.  She decided to go back to college when I was in grade school and has climbed the corporate ladder quickly.  Before long, she was making more than my father and it all started going downhill.  She has major mental problems - none diagnosed - but including what appears to be control/power issues, manipulation, and lying.  She always has to be the center of attention.  And EXPECTS gifts.  She'll say to me "let's go to Starbucks" then when we get there she orders her drink and just stares at me until I pay.  (Even if I don't order anything!)  She constantly brags about things - anything that she can bring up.  She always talks about what a "good Christian" she is and how "nice" she is - as if to reaffirm it to herself.  Ten years ago my father (lovingly) insisted she go seek mental help (he thought she was bipolar) and the outcome was that she filed for divorce.  She is now remarried with a 16 yo step-daughter who she treats just awful... but the father rarely steps in to stop it.  It breaks my heart.  I have gone to therapy over the years to learn coping methods and have gotten really well-equipped at dealing with her behavior.  However, it can be really stressful knowing that no matter how much I pray and how much I try to be loving it rarely gets returned.  I do love my mother but she is really hard to stomach most of the time.  She did her best work to try to ruin the holidays.  Also, if it is just the two of us she is plain nasty.  If anyone else is around she is "fake sweet."  It's gotten to the point that when she calls my house/cell I put her on speaker phone so my husband can "monitor" the calls.  It actually helped our marriage because now he can hear the conversations and it's not just me telling him the mean/crazy stuff she said second hand.  I avoid being alone with her when they come to visit (they live 5 hours away).  My step-dad is NO help because she manipulates and lies to him all the time.  I've tried talking to him so many times only to be blown off or shut down.  A few years ago I went to visit them.  When I came downstairs from showering (in flannel pajamas) my mom was nowhere to be seen but my step-dad was in the living room.  We were chatting about nothing in particular for a few minutes when my mother bursts into the room and starts accusing us of "flirting" and asked whether we were having an affair.  Ever since then I avoid being alone with him, too.  

Sorry - I could go on for hours..... 

And now, we are really close to labor and delivery.  My husband and I drafted a "family birth plan" that he emailed to all the parents in an attempt to ensure everyone was on the same page as far as our wishes go for L&D and after the baby is born.  At first, she said "oh, this is nice.  I'm glad you two thought this through."  But soon she started making statements tthat contradicted our wishes.  For example: Although I've (kindly) told her countless times she will NOT be in the room for delivery she insists that she will be.  I told her that during labor I don't want anyone taking pictures and she said she will take photos if she wants.  I've told her that when the doctor comes in to do an exam I am going to ask her to leave the room and she insisted she would not be going anywhere.  

She doesn't respect boundaries and I am getting REALLY stressed over her behavior.  It is making me physically ill.  I am running out of steam.  It is so bad that I am considering not calling her until AFTER the baby is born.  I know "it" will hit the fan, but I want my L&D to be as smooth as possible.  I've read the research on how stress during labor can cause lactation to be delayed, dilation to stall, etc.  I don't need this right now.

I am really starting to lose it here.... I don't even want her around my baby after he is born.... 

Advice? Thanks in advance. 

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Re: Help! My mom is out of control.

  • well, that sounds terrible!!! omg. I don't blame you for feeling that way, it isnt about your mom now, its about you. I would talk to your OB about ways to handle your mom if she gets out of control. You wont seem like the bad guy if the OB says "I need everyone but the coach to leave please". and if your mom says no, or gets sassy, the OB can have your mom escorted from the hospital. Now, I know things shouldnt have to get that that point, and thats still going to stress you out, so maybe not involving her is a good idea. And who knows, maybe if you wait just long enough to call her when youre in labor, she will arrive after the baby is born. i'd be worried about having that sort of an influence in my childs life too... I'd say talk to your OB, husband, and mom. Tell her how you feel, or just say very clearly that you just want your husband with you during your labor. Even if youre ok with other people being there, just tell her you only want your husband. Because you definately dont want her to go off on his family for being there... Good luck!
  • Oh honey, I'm so sorry. My mother is bipolar but medicated and my mother in law sounds a LOT like your mom. Not telling her MAY work, but you're right about the aftermath and the first few days and weeks with a newborn is stressful enough. I would let your Dr. in on the situation and maybe he/she can help deflect some of this off of you. I'm sure it's not the first time they have seen something like this in the delivery room and they may have some creative, non-offencive ways to deal with it. Be sure you talk to the nurses in the delivery room too whenever you can get a chance, I'm sure someone there can come up with a BS excuse to keep you mom at bay. Good luck, I feel your pain.
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  • I'm sorry you have to go thru this. I vote for not telling her until you give birth. If you have her in the room, even if she's escorted out at an appropriate time, you'll still have the effects of being stressed out, you know? Take it from me...don't let anyone pressure you to do anything. No matter what you do, she's a hateful old biitch, yah? (and i say that in the nicest way possible...lol) So do what you want. She's going to react the same way, so change *your* actions! That's all you can control (there's my therapy coming out..lol)

    GL! 
  • I vote, don't call her till after the baby is born. She sounds like she will make your experience miserable. I would communicate with your doctor about it as well, and make sure you can call the shots on who gets in to see you.

    Secondly, my mother is a PITA but I really feel awful that your relationship with your mom is so bad. I really think you should limit contact with her. My mom is only 2 hours away, but I try not to talk to her often cause it freaks me out.

    I hope your birthing experience is what you and your DH want it to be. I would keep her out of the loop at this point and make sure the hospital staff and your doctor are on the same page.

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  • I'm so sorry this is what you're dealing with.  This should not be a stressful time for you!  It's important that your birth experience is as calm as possible, so if I were you, I wouldn't call mom until the baby arrived.  My mom is a sweetheart and I won't be calling her until baby is here either just because....well...even with the best of intentions, she can stress me out! 

    If you really feel like she needs the call early and has to be at the hospital, make it clear to your primary caregiver that she needs to be escorted out if necessary at the time of the birth.

     Good luck!  I hope that everything goes exactly the way you hope it will.

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  • I'm not sure why you still have much of a relationship with her, and I definitely wouldn't call her until after you give birth.  
    Baby Boy Born 3.15.11. 8lb 9oz, 21.75in. 6 month stats: 20lb 11oz (92%tile), 30.12in.(100%tile - who knew it went over 99th? Which means 100% of other 6 month olds are shorter than mine!)
  • imageMissYouDietCoke:
    I'm not sure why you still have much of a relationship with her, and I definitely wouldn't call her until after you give birth.  

    This.  I would have cut WAY back on the relationship with her a long time ago...  She sounds like a horrible, nasty beeyotch!  I would be cautious about how much time you allow her to be around not only you but your LO and family. 

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  • The good news is that your doctors and nurses will have a copy of the birth plan, and the bottom line is YOU are the patient.  If need be, and prior to giving birth, ask if the medical staff will step in and kick her out.

    But I'm with the others--don't let her know the baby is born until after the fact...don't worry about hurting her feelings because this is all about you.

    Stephanie Hsu
  • I vote for not calling until after LO is born. My stepmom is bipolar and we just stay away from her.. they will not be getting a call from us until long after we are done. 
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  • I think you need to enlist the help of the doctors and nurses and tell them that having anyone but DH in the room while being examined and pushing is going to stress you out, so they needto ask them to leave during that time. She wil have a harder time arguing with a dictor or when the rules apply to all. Hospitals seal with this all the time, and don't tolerate visitors against the patients wishes. Good luck and I hope you can come to a conclusion that will be best for you.
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  • I'm also voting don't call her until after the baby is born.  I don't plan on calling my in laws until after she's born b/c well we don't get along... nothing as serious as what you're talking about (and I'm very sorry by the way) but you don't wanna be all stressed out giving birth and shortly there after.  Good luck!!
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  • Thanks everyone for all the helpful comments and advice.  I have struggled for years trying to balance "being a dutiful daughter" and not letting myself get hurt.  There have been times when I haven't answered her calls, seen her, or had any contact for months at a time but then the guilt sets in and I remember "honor thy mother" and feel so awful.  I always feel like I should be stronger... I guess I put alot of it on myself and shouldn't.  

    I am so embarrassed to talk to my OB about it - how much detail to include, etc. - but know I have to do this.  My whole life I don't want people to think "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" so I keep her actions and my feelings very private. 

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  • Wowza! Sounds like you have your hands full. If I were in your situation I wouldn't even tell her that you're headed to the hospital. If you decide to let her know the baby is on the way, simply let the hospital staff know that she is not to be admitted to the maternity ward. I know that at the hospital where I'm delivering you have to have security clearance, or be buzzed through by the front desk nurse before you even get close to the L&D rooms. No one authorized is not allowed back there. Good luck to you!
  • I had to chime in again because so many people are telling you to not tell her until after the baby is born. I whole heartedly disagree with this. Your mother sounds so much like my MIL and my husband like you. She drives us crazy and you never know how she is going to be, but she is his mother and he loves her regardless. I feel that if you don't tell her, that will be something she will never forgive you for and it could permanently damage your relationship which I'm sure you don't want. The first poster suggested to wait a while to call, and that may be a good compromise. If she lives 5 hours away this could give you much needed time and your dr. can help with the rest.

    As far as what to tell your dr., just let him know that your mom sometimes has boundary issues and can be a bit overbearing. A lot of moms can get that way and he will think nothing of it, you do not have to go into and mental issues. Don't worry about what other people think about the apple not falling far from the tree because I can tell you for a fact that that is not the case. My husband, his brother, my brother and myself  all come from bipolar mothers and we are all mentally stable. It's just a hard thing to deal with and makes you feel crazy sometimes. If you love her, don't shut her out, because it could be a decision that your relationship may never recover from.

  • imageAnyu:

    Don't worry about what other people think about the apple not falling far from the tree because I can tell you for a fact that that is not the case. My husband, his brother, my brother and myself  all come from bipolar mothers and we are all mentally stable. It's just a hard thing to deal with and makes you feel crazy sometimes. If you love her, don't shut her out, because it could be a decision that your relationship may never recover from.

    Thanks, Anyu.  It is nice to know there are others out there in a similar boat.  I really think if I don't tell her until AFTER then it will do major damage.  Perhaps waiting until 6-8 hours into delivery is the right idea.   This would put her here either right before the baby is born or several hours before, but at least it would give me some time to settle in first and get drugs.  :-)

     

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  • Hugs!

     That sounds terrible. I'm putting in a vote for not calling her and a couple visits to your therapist to plan how you will handle her after baby comes and during labor and delivery.

     It sounds like it doesn't really matter what you say because you can't control how she reacts, but anything along these lines is acceptable.

     We didn't really think we were in labor and didn't want to bother anyone.

    Everything happened so quickly that before we knew it there wasn't time to call.

    Unfortunately the hospital doesn't allow more than one support person in the room, and I didn't know how long you'd be waiting in the waiting room.

    Thanks for all your support mom, but I gave you a copy of our plans for the birth, and you know that I wanted to be alone with my husband during this big change for our family. I'm so happy you're here now to meet our little one. Would you like to hold him/her? Let me grab a picture.

  • I have to disagree with those who feel she should be there. It sounds like, aside from the pregnancy, the relationship isn't healthy for you anyways. You really need to step back and consider whether or not this is a relationship you want to/should continue. There comes a point where being a "dutiful daughter" is just too damaging to your own health. (You mentioned getting physically ill) 

     

    Additionally, what about the relationship your child will have with grandma? That is also something to consider. Do you really want there to be one?

     

    I know it's hard. I had to stop speaking with some of my family, including my mom, over similar issues. What it boiled down to was that she was unwilling to get help for her issues and I could not let them continue to damage me. My therapist thought that was healthy~

     

    I would also recommend seeing a therapist for your own sanity. The situation you are in is very tough to cope with.

     

    *hugs* and best of luck to you! 

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  • imageAnyu:

    I had to chime in again because so many people are telling you to not tell her until after the baby is born. I whole heartedly disagree with this. Your mother sounds so much like my MIL and my husband like you. She drives us crazy and you never know how she is going to be, but she is his mother and he loves her regardless. I feel that if you don't tell her, that will be something she will never forgive you for and it could permanently damage your relationship which I'm sure you don't want. The first poster suggested to wait a while to call, and that may be a good compromise. If she lives 5 hours away this could give you much needed time and your dr. can help with the rest.

    As far as what to tell your dr., just let him know that your mom sometimes has boundary issues and can be a bit overbearing. A lot of moms can get that way and he will think nothing of it, you do not have to go into and mental issues. Don't worry about what other people think about the apple not falling far from the tree because I can tell you for a fact that that is not the case. My husband, his brother, my brother and myself  all come from bipolar mothers and we are all mentally stable. It's just a hard thing to deal with and makes you feel crazy sometimes. If you love her, don't shut her out, because it could be a decision that your relationship may never recover from.

    Anyu, I respectfully disagree.  It is nice to have another point of view, but let's remember, it's her mom, not her MIL, (very different politics) and her mom already told her that she's "staying for labor" and that she'll take as many pics as she wants....seriously?!   I think her mom would be more pissed at being booted than being called after the fact.  How can you seriously damage a relationship such as this one?  Her mom is used to calling all the shots, and if she doesn't get her way (in any manner you want to spin it), she's gonna be pissed. For that reason, the OP needs to start taking care of HERSELF, which is really the only person she can truly take care of between the two. She can't make her mom act more sane, you know?

    And OP, it does say honor thy father and mother, but i don't believe that God meant for parents to treat their kids with such emotional abuse as you've suffered....i guess He took for granted that parents would treasure their children, and children had to be told that they should reciprocate.

    Just letting you know, OP, that my labor was 24 hours long....so the few hours delay doesn't matter.  Please remember that labor is "your" gig, and everyone else can suck it. It's hard enough without additional stress, believe you me.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Check your hospital policy on who is allowed in the room with you during labor/delivery.  Our hospital only allows people who are on an approved list to come in to the room at any point in time and I think we can only put 2/3 people on the list.  I put my DH on right away and then added my mom at the last minute (didn't tell her until I needed her).  This could help with the issue of to call or not to call. 
  • imageViolaPlayer:

    I have to disagree with those who feel she should be there. It sounds like, aside from the pregnancy, the relationship isn't healthy for you anyways. You really need to step back and consider whether or not this is a relationship you want to/should continue. There comes a point where being a "dutiful daughter" is just too damaging to your own health. (You mentioned getting physically ill) 

     

    Additionally, what about the relationship your child will have with grandma? That is also something to consider. Do you really want there to be one?

     

    I know it's hard. I had to stop speaking with some of my family, including my mom, over similar issues. What it boiled down to was that she was unwilling to get help for her issues and I could not let them continue to damage me. My therapist thought that was healthy~

     

    I would also recommend seeing a therapist for your own sanity. The situation you are in is very tough to cope with.

     

    *hugs* and best of luck to you! 

     

    I agree with this statement.  My MIL has boarderline personality disorder she is a mess, DH and SIL tried for years to manage it and risked their personal mental health to do it. 

    When I got pg with DD it began to spiral out of control.  It has gotten worse and worse since then. Last year around this time DH and I, as well as SIL and her new DH, have cut her out of our lives. 

    She wont get help and it is risking our sanity to try to be a part of her life.  Also we didn't want our children to be caught in her drama and have to try to understand her moods and tiptoe around her whenever she was around.  DH didn't want our children to grow up reliving his childhood.  

     DH does feel guilt, who wouldn't, he loves him mom.  And he sees someone regularly to help him cope with this.  But in the end we had to protect ourselves and our families.  MIL doesn't even know we are expecting again, just to protect us. Infact due to the newest set of drama she has employed (even with no one talking to her) I am at strict orders to call the police if she shows up at our house.

    People think that we owe our families more, and should tolerate more from our families.  But it is a relationship just like friends are.  And we don't have to be a punching bag to some one who says they love us.  A loving familiy member would never treat you this way.

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  • You have all given me so much awesome input.  Thank you.  I knew I wasn't alone, but in just one short day I received so much feedback I couldn't have asked for more!  I never imagined my decision would be easy.  Going to talk to DH tonight and let him read all your posts.  Together, we will have to make the best decision we can.   

    The last thing I EVER want to do is have LO get hurt - in any way.  My childhood and adult life has been a mess because of her and I want so much more for my baby.

    Thanks again, everyone.  You are the best!

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