In-laws made me question my parenting (re. separation anxiety)

acia

DD is going through a clingy period where she doesn't want to be with anyone but me (she even screams when I pass her over to DH), and even when she's with me, she almost always wants to be held. I assume this is partly due to the fact that she's not feeling great (stomach virus a few days ago), a developmental phase, and the fact that we've been travelling and have been out of our regular routine.

I was with the in-laws over the holidays, and got so many "What a mama's girl" type comments, and was told over and over that I should ignore her when she gets all clingy or doesn't want to go with someone else. My gut says that if she wants to be held, I'll hold her, and if she doesn't want to go with someone else, I won't make her (within reason of course - I do need to shower every now and then!). But by the end of our 2 weeks with the in-laws, I started to question myself and feel like I was handling this the wrong way.... (Plus it is exhausting being the only one who DD wants!)

How do you deal with separation anxiety? How long do these phases generally last?

kwinters87

Don't doubt yourself mama! As long as you are doing what you feel is best then you are doing the right thing.

EmmieB

ok - so your daughter is going through a normal phase and it was compounded by being in an unfamiliar place with a whole bunch of unfamiliar people and excitement and they made you feel guilty for offering comfort when she clearly need it? How very insensitive of them.

You stick with your gut. You're doing the right thing!

aglenn

I know how you feel.  We had tons of DH's family staying with us for the holiday and it was a bit (OK, a lot) much for DD to handle.  She's pretty intense anyway, and just got totally over-excited and wound up as a result.  Her sleep (which is pretty awful on a good day) has been even more disrupted than usual and she has been VERY Mommy-centric and wanting to nurse all.the.time.  My MIL had an endless commentary on the nursing and the night waking and it was not helping me at all.  However, I just keep trying to remind myself that every bit of stress I feel from the holidays/visitors DD feels a thousand times over because she can't handle her emotions very well yet and doesn't know things will be back to normal soon, etc.  For all she knows, they were moving in permanently.  This is what I keep repeating to myself in the middle of the night when I'm up with her for the 8 millionth time...  Based on past experience, it usually takes DD a week or so to settle back into her "normal" routine after something like this, so I'm hoping things will improve over the next few days.

I know it's hard not to feel some self-doubt when you're getting constant "advice" from family, but IMO I'd rather err on the side of extra kindness.  If that's "wrong," I'm OK with that.

meltoine

I read the other day that babied tend to cling to mom the most between 12-18 months because this is when they first start to realize that they are separate from you, which is a big adjustment. Staying close to you for a while makes that adjustment easier. Hang in there, mama, you're doing the right thing!

Harper'smom

DD was 16mos as well when seperation anxiety hit. I bought a Boba and started wearing her constantly. It was easier to go with it than fight against it. At 18mos the night time seperation anxiety hit and I could no longer just nurse and lay her down to sleep. It took at least six weeks of laying beside her crib, no crying involved, for up to an hour to get her to go to sleep. Eventually both types of seperation anxiety subsided but they were sort of over lapping so it is hard to say exactly how long they lasted. 

 At a few weeks from two she has become much more independent in the last several months so all is well that ends well. No harm will come by giving her the extra attentions she needs right now and you havn't caused the anxiety. I do think that trying to shift gears in your parenting style would cause much more anxiety, for you both. Ignore the nay sayers and stay confident in your abilities to meet your child's needs.

SteelCityBride

EmmieB:

ok - so your daughter is going through a normal phase and it was compounded by being in an unfamiliar place with a whole bunch of unfamiliar people and excitement and they made you feel guilty for offering comfort when she clearly need it? How very insensitive of them.

You stick with your gut. You're doing the right thing!

  This.  You're the mama, you know what she needs better than anyone else, don't let them make you question yourself.

We went through a separation anxiety period around 6 months & my own mother made me feel guilty about how clingy DS was to me.  She took it personally that he didn't want to be held by anyone but me & cried the entire time we left him at her house to go to dinner for our anniversary.  She was offended that we cut our night short to come get him & said that I was giving in to him. 

I don't look at it that way.  I feel I was doing my job as a mom by giving him what he needed & if what he needed was me, then I was going to be there for him. I reassured her several times that separation anxiety was a phase & wouldn't last forever, but she didn't believe me & thought I was making him too attached to me & he would never want anyone else.  Now 2+ months later, he LOVES going to her house & cracks up every time he sees her.  Separation anxiety over (at least for now!).  And because she made me feel so bad about it, a few times when he smiles at her & cuddles her I've even said "I told you so."

Good luck mama. Don't doubt yourself.

habsoilers

My DD has always been very challenging in that she has always wanted me all the time. So, I just kept giving her lots of me hoping that eventually she would get her fill and then maybe become a little more confident.

Last Christmas when we went to visit the inlaws, she was stuck to me like glue. She would go to no one. There was no way that I could even get out for an evening with DH because she would lose her mind if I wasn't close by.  This year, she's a completely different child. We walked into BIL's house and she would go to anyone. She'd go off with aunts, uncles, cousins and I wouldn't see her for hours. BIL even commented about how much more confident and independent she is this year.

So I would say not to worry. It will work itself out.

MrsAmers

Don't doubt yourself. For the first two years of my daughter's life my MIL made a comment every time DD wanted me instead of anyone else. At almost 4, it rarely happens now and she makes the same old comments about my 20 month old DS. In a year or two he will be just as independent at the ILs house as she is. You are doing the best for your daughter. Everyone else is just jealous and setting up unrealistic expectations for your DD. Separation Anxiety is just a phase.