my h and i are a mess. we were snowed in at my parents last week and tempers flared in private and in front of my family. honestly when push comes to shove i am a nag and h is a screaming cursing fool. we have worked on it but there was a humdinger on the 30th.
i stayed in hotel that night and the next day we talked some more. he acknowledges that the miscarriage did a number on me and us and that he does fly off the handle. we are taking a break from baby stuff. the anxiety every month wondering if i get pregnant follows anxiety about what would happen next follows anxiety and sadness when AF shows up. Taking a break from ttc makes me relived and sad at the same time. he just started a business, our house is in renovation hell, both our commutes stink and now is not the time to jump hoops to get pregnant. on a deeper level i was going to stay at my parents for a month or so to give us space to figure out what we really want for ourselves and for and with each other. that lasted a whole 24 hours for me. love my family but there is a reason i moved out at 18.
so i went back home and thanks to our wonderful chaotic schedules will have lots of time alone and dh said he'd stay at his parents if i wanted more alone time.
i find myself questioning everything (possibly overquestioning). does this or has this happened to anyone else?
Re: is MC/IF wrecking havoc on your marriage?
((hugs)) I'm sorry for everything you have going on. It sounds like you guys have a lot on your plate. I think it's a good idea to put TTC on hold until things are settled down. Would you and DH consider counseling? Maybe it would help to talk to a 3rd party about all of these things. IF/MC can be a lot to handle, plus you have a lot of other stuff going on.
Good luck and I hope that things improve.I'm sorry you and your DH are having a rough time lately. My husband and I have been in counseling for the past few months related to fertility issues and when to start treatment. It's so hard to put TTC on hold when every instinct within you says to do whatever it takes to have a baby. Believe me, I've been there and questioned everything about my marriage and husband. I strongly advise counseling, It's not a panacea but with a therapist both you and your DH trust and feel comfortable and safe with, you will gain insight into each other's way of thinking and will learn communicate and coping strategies that will only help your marriage.
GL to you.
FET #1 Dec 2013 BFN
FET # 2 Feb 2014 BFN
No more frosties
IVF #2. September 2014
PGD yielded 2 perfect 5d blasts
SET November 9, 2014
Nov 23, 2014. Another BFN
Not sure where to go from here.
YES! I find that I am absolutely consumed by all things baby and I almost get mad that DH isn't. I'm not saying he doesn't ask questions and doesn't care, but for some reason in my head since my whole day is consumed by baby thoughts and thoughts of our loss, the IF struggle etc... That he should be too and it's not fair to him.
On top of all the typical loss/If stress, DH is quitting his job. He's the bread winner in our house, he carries our insurance that has IF coverage, my car is through his work etc... He HATES his job but because he provides all those things for us, I selfishly want him to suck it up and stay there and it's causing turmoil. I finally came to the conclusion last night that if he wants to open his own company right now, thats what he needs to do. If he's happier at work I think he will be happier at home and it will be better for us all around. Yes, we are going to have lots of added expenses, yes, we are going to lose a very nice income, but is money really more important than happiness? We are still going to continue trying for a baby. He and I decided a few months ago that we would give it through 2011 to have a baby or be pregnant and if it didn't happen by then we weren't going to consume ourselves with it any longer. We have experienced great loss over the last 18 months, MIL, DH's grandmother, DH's cousin, My cousin, My aunt and then our baby all have passed in the last 18 months so we really haven't had a chance to even breathe. DH is older than me, so we are up against a biological clock too, which just adds pressure. We even had the whole divorce discussion over the weekend and both of us agreed that is absolutely NOT what we want, that we want to do whatever it takes to try and work through this rough patch and make it through to the other side.
I know I just rambled and told my story, taking over your post, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone and I think this is a very big test to a relationship! Hopefully we will both come out of it stronger. ((hugs))
I'm sorry you are going through this and I don't think you are alone.
Early on in our IF journey my DH and I had problems dealing with the stress of not having children, not being able to have children, being surrounded by people who have children, etc. This was all compounded by major communication problems in our mariage and other issues we had, most importantly not knowing how to fight fair and reasonably. Ultimately we went to counseling weekly for 18 mos. I honestly do not believe we would still be married today had we not done that. We were terrible communicators, screamers when we fought, I was a nag, etc. Learning how we wanted to be talked to and how to discuss our feelings and at times fight without disentigrating into 5 yr olds was the best thing we ever did. Recognizing our own shortfalls also helped us learn how to deal with our own stressors without blaming them on each other. We did not go to an IF counselor because I don't think IF was the actual problem, it was a trigger, but ultimately not why we were having problems. We went to a MFT (Marriage Family Therapist) and it was just what we needed. Seeing a MFT only reinforced that while IF was taking it's toll on us had we been better at communicating we probably could have weathered the storm on our own.
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
DS-IUI #1-4 BFN IVF #1 - BFP! It's a boy!!!
Yes, after my 2nd loss last spring things really came to a head. IVF was so hard on me with all the hormones and then experiencing another Ectopic pregnancy was a huge stress on our marriage. We decided to put off doing a FET until we were on better stable grounds within our marriage. After several months of therapy we have been doing soo much better and are ready to try again in March.I also see my own therapist once a week and that has also helped a lot.
IF is so taxing and stressful then adding in a MC is enough to really put a strain on things. I suggest marriage counseling to get things back on a track before TTC. I had to deal with this loss and prepare myself in case the FET doesn't work. I'm working on that now in therapy. GL and I hope things get better with you and your husband.
<a href="http://s941.photobucket.com/albums/ad259/laurens1122-bfp/?action=view
DH and I don't deal with the disappointments well. We had a setback in November, and both of us went into a deep depression. He dealt with it by playing video games, and I dealt with it by sitting in the bedroom on the computer. Neither one of us helped each other get through. We had a discussion about it recently, and we have decided that we need to pull each other through the funk if we encounter another disappointment and not let each other dwell on it alone. He has joked about moving out if our FET doesn't work because we are so bad at coping with disappointment. I truly hope it works for us, but if it doesn't then I hope we can follow through with helping each other work through our depression instead of letting it consume us.
We did the counseling thing a year ago when we weren't on the same page regarding how far we would go to have a child. Counseling is a wonderful thing. I agree with all the other posters that you should give it a try.
It must be something that is in the air this holiday season. i just wrote a post on December 31st about the same thing. My parents were in town staying with us for 5 days for the holidays. Likewise, DH and I fought almost the entire time until finally we blew up while my parents went visiting other family members. He and I screamed at each other and called each other names(which was the worst part). I NEVER thought that IF would wreck havoc on our marriage but it has. I also considered giving up for a while, but after we calmed down(2 days later), we decided to wait for our first IUI. We might as well seek couseling.
Please hang in there with DH. If it means setting aside IF worries, then do it to save your marriage. Your marriage is the most important part of IF because you do need his support. YOU WILL BE FINE AND IT WILL ALL WORK OUT!!!!! IF is stressful and everyone is entitled to vent. It would not be normal if we didnt vent and argue with things at times. This is one of the hardest things your marriage may ever endure. Please see that.....You guys will be great!!!!!!!
IF has been really hard on my marriage. It consumes me to the point that I just can't care much about anything else that's going on in our lives. The whole situation obviously upsets DH, but he doesn't obsess about it like I do. I get really mad at him when he goes into a funk about his job, for example, because he seems more bothered by that then by our BFN's and losses. I just don't have it in me to offer support for his bad situation at work when I'm still waiting for my hCG to go down to zero so that I can put this pregnancy behind me.
The worst point for us came when DH insisted in September that we take a 3 month break from treatment, which I agreed to only on the condition that we could still try on our own. Well, he agreed to that, then basically refused to have sex with me during ovulation, because he didn't want me stressing about whether or not I was pregnant. At that point, I actually brought up divorce, which is something I never thought I'd say. Both of us agreed that we definitely want to be together, and we're working on making our marriage stronger.
I do recommend counseling for you. We actually went to counseling several years ago, because we went through a lot of rough transitions in our first couple years of marriage, and it was really helpful for us. Right now, I'm considering going back to couples counseling, but may start with individual counseling instead, just to alllow me to deal with all of this better.
Good luck to you, and I am sorry for the situation you're in. It's so hard going through this!
Cautiously expecting our second little petri dish baby - stick, Baby, stick!