Feeling Pressure of 2011

JMay

Hi Ladies. =-)  I hope the holidays have been good to all of you.

I hate to come back after time off just to whine, but that's why I'm here.  I feel so tense right now and I know this is a safe place to let it all out.  I don't want to "use" you all, but that's pretty much what I'm doing right now.  You don't have to read, I just need to get it out!  =-)

I've been doing well with my time off - stopped temping, charting, checking every minute symptom only to set myself up for disappointment.  I've actually been able to enjoy the holidays, and my DD's 5th birthday, without the distraction of 2IF.  I've felt good, confident, and happy.  I've found a renewed strength in my relationship that I believe will bring good things for us in 2011.

BUT, "it" hasn't gone away.  A few weeks ago, I was cleaning the bathtub, and I felt a wave of "knowing" come over me - I'm never going to have another child.  And, for a minute, I felt ok with the information.  Then I thought "Hmm, I must have lost hope. Everyone tells me it happened for them when they lost hope, so, maybe I'll get pregnant now".  Sigh.  I pushed it away, but it was annoying at best to have the thought enter my mind.  If I'm not going to have more children, why can't I be ok with it?  I just want peace in my heart. 

NYE tonight will be fun - we're away from most friends and family right now so we will be having a mini-party, just the 3 of us, and the cat.  It will be fun, and I will focus on what we have, but I feel that stress and pressure creeping up on me.  I either will get pregnant by June (my deadline) or I will never have another child.  Never. Ever.  All I've ever truly wanted to be in life was a Mom, and I am lucky enough to be one, but at the same time, I feel so unfulfilled.  I can't have all my "mothering energy" go towards my DD, or I will smother her for sure.  I don't know what to do with all the love I have in my heart for the children I will never have.  I could teach more, I could get a dog, yada yada.  But they are stop-gap solutions.  Nothing I have come up with so far replaces my need for another child.  Nothing so far has helped me heal.  And honestly, I'm deathly afraid of how I will feel come June.  I will need therapy for sure.  I'm scared.  I want to be able to cope.  I want to be healthy.

In spite of the "busy-ness" of Chirstmas and a birthday, I've still had to distract myself with stupid, superficial things.  I hate that.  I'm seriously into a video game like I'm 13.  I hate, hate, hate that.  But it gives my mind something to focus on, away from babies.  Time waster.  Everything that isn't about babies seems like a time waster.  I hate that too.

Resolutions?  In the past year I've made additional improvements to my diet (been wonderful) and lost an additional 15lbs.  (My goal after DD was to be lighter at the end of my second pregnancy than I was at the start of my first - if I got pg now I could gain 35 lbs and still make my goal!  Whoo-hoo!)  I guess my resolution will be to continue to try to cope, and put more effort toward healing, and pray like the dickens that I don't have to face June with an empty womb.  (See, there's that darn hope" again)

I know how lucky I am.  I see my blessings around me every day, in so many forms.  I am grateful beyond belief.  I want this knowledge to help me feel better about what I don't have.  I wish that feeling blessed would take away the pain of what I'm losing the chance to have.  I wish my faith in God was stronger - if it was stronger, wouldn't I feel better about this plan He has for me?  I want to embrace it and be the best person I can be, yet I feel so debilitated by not being able to have another child.  I want so badly to see, but can't seem to remove the blindfold.

Well, I don't know if this has been helpful or not.  I can't seem to stop crying now.  I guess that's good, because I'm getting it out, right?  Maybe to cry is what I need - I'll consider it a cleansing.  Thank you all for reading and most of all, for being here. 

I'm so happy for the recent BFPs and I wish you all healthy babies in 2011. 

Cheers to secondary fertility for great Moms!  Thanks again ladies.

JMay

 

potatohead

Hugs to you!  It is perfectly okay to have hope.  In fact, that's what we should have, even if we think our situation or the one at hand is hopeless...there is ALWAYS hope.  

What helps me is just knowing that whatever happens is the path God has chosen for me.  I will try everything in my power to try to make it work for #2 but I know if in the end, all the treatments don't work, I'm either meant to be an adoptive mom for #2 or be happy with my family of 3.  

Does that stop the pain of 2IF?  Absolutely NOT.  I feel that will be a constant battle.  I'm always wondering that if I had #1, why in the world is it so difficult for #2?!!!  I have no control over it, though, so I just have to hand it to the one who does.

Don't know if that helped, but Happy New Year!  I hope 2011 brings good news and happy hearts and families to us all. 

AmandaMacD

Oh sweetie....I understand all too well how you feel.  2IF is such a big head f**k and taking a break is often necessary for sanity's sake.  Hope is what keeps us going...without hope, what is there?

Hang in there lovey and please know that so many of us are cheering eachother on.  I truly hope that each and every one of us is blesses with a new addition this year.

smalltownmama

(( HUGS)) I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I can't imagine only having one child either, simply because I have so much love to share and I always pictured myself with a houseful of children....now I can't even get pregnant with #2. I can't imagine my son as an only child and I'm worried I will spoil and smother him.

It's not wrong to have hope. I try to squash it down at every turn, but it's always there...

Pixiestx

I'm sorry you haven't gotten your bfp yet.  I can relate to a lot of what you say because this year is the year that it happens or we move on as a family of 3.  Lately I've had a gut feeling it's not going to happen and I realize that I have a lot of emotions left to deal with if it comes to that, even though I've been trying to prepare myself for that possibility for a long time.  I felt for a while that I didn't really lose a baby, it was just a delay in meeting that person for a while and they would still find their way into our lives but now I'm not sure.  I don't think there is a plan, or god, but think that I will have the ability to move in a positive direction no matter what is thrown at me.  Guarenteed there will be ups and downs, but it's that belief that I have the strength to do it that ultimately gets me through.  It might not be what I imagined but there is no reason to think it won't still be great, you know? 

I hope you check back in once in a while and wish you lots of luck!