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A Vent... DH just doesn't understand (long)

Disclaimer: Crying I know I get like this at least once during the 2ww and I guess today is it.  Last cycle I was so overwhelmed that I stayed home from work on 12DPO and my MIL checked in on me during the day.  Today is 100% better than that but I still need to pull my big girl panties up and smile tonight.

DH just came upstairs b/c I'm working on re-arranging the office....  It will become the nursery but for now its the office and the closet is my DH's. 

My DH's grandmother wants to give us the family heirloom bed, but it is a full and my 6'7" DH doesn't fit in it, so it was supposed to go in the office.  DH's family then said "No that's silly it will stay at Uncle's, you'll be needing that room."  DH and I agreed. 

I rearranged the room anyways and we are getting rid of the reading chair so there is actual room for the rocking chair with matching little rocker that we were given for our wedding.  Moving things around got me in the mood to actually decorate the room which has remained white walls with nothing hanging up since we moved in in April (I was hoping it wouldn't remain that way for long). 

I want to decorate with robins egg blue, slate grey and off white with a birdcage and bird theme.  I would just make it more baby-ish once we have a LO.  DH says its too babyish and won't let me put my baby books out or anything because its bad luck. They are sitting in a box in the basement b/c my mother gave them to me at the end of the summer.

I then burst into tears and told him it would make me feel like we are making progress and I need to do something before our appointment on January 7th (13DPO).  He feels like I am too emotional about all of this and brought up the fact that I should NOT POAS until the doctor appt.  I then explained that I couldn't hold FMU until the appt. time so I was going to POAS that morning since we will be either BFP and starting progesterone or scheduling a SA and HSG.  He thinks the whole thing is silly and I don't really know the medicine background (he's an ER Doctor) and that the OB/GYN - Who asked for the appt. in January after 2 relaxed cycles during the holidays - will tell us to keep trying! 

Is he in denile?  This is the same man who on Xmas day (from work) texted me "Next Christmas we'll have the best present of all!  We'll have our baby".  Does he not realize that that means getting aggressive now?  The doctor wouldn't want to move forward after 6 months and 8 cycles if he didn't feel it was right.  I trust the doctor wholeheartedly and he has always had my best interest in mind.

Sorry to be bumming on NYE, I just had to get all that out to someone who can understand how hopeless and alone you can feel at times during TTC.

Keep growing preemie ballerina! Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Premature Baby tickers image

Re: A Vent... DH just doesn't understand (long)

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    I think you just need to take a step back from the situation. This is cycle 14 for us and we had some big issues where the pressure just got to us big time. MH expressed it in different ways than I did. We just needed to really decompress and take a break for a few days.

     personally, MH would probably freak if I were trying to start organizing for a nursey. i obviously don't know your husband, but maybe just leave the room as it is for now..maybe that triggered something for him.

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    Wow you sound like a very intense person. It doesn't sound as if you have had 2 relaxing cycles ever. It can take a healthy couple a year to get pregnant, 6 months is not a crazy long time. Unless you have known issues I agree with your husband that you don't need to rush onto anything. Please don't wish infertility on yourself. And get a hobby.
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    I won't lie, I didn't get much further in your post after I read you had to stay home from work at 12 DPO?!?!  Seriously?  I am certainly not saying that this TTC roller coaster can be emotional and full of ups and downs, but sweetie get a grip!

    I will ditto several other suggestions at getting a hobby and maybe take a break from the BUMP and everything baby related?

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    I understand how this can be an exciting time, but my DH would act the same way if I wanted to fix the "baby's room" before we were KU and in the second or third tri.  Try to stay positive and stress free (easier said than done I know).
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    Honestly, it would creep me out to set up a nursery before even being pregnant. I didn't purchase a baby product and/or work on my son's nursery until I was well into my second trimester. I feel like you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. Take a step back and channel your TTC 'energy' into a positive hobby.
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    DS #1 Born: 10/03/06, DS #2 Born: 08/06/12 My Cooking Blog
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    I can understand why your DH doesn't get it. It can take up to a year for a perfectly healthy couple to conceive. If your b/w all confirms O, and you have no reason to suspect a problem (other than just not being pregnant yet), there is no need for worry. I know it's hard, but try to just take one day at a time, and try to focus your energy on something non-TTC related.
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    I'm new and was trying not to make my first post a vent but I really wanted to post almost the exact same thing! Just like you, I didn't need advice for as you said "puting on my big girl panties" I just needed to vent about how I feel whether it be logical or not to someone who could understand where I'm coming from.

    I am right there with you and I completely understand how you feel. It is so frustrating to work so hard towards a goal and then have to come to grips with the fact that this is something that is just out of your control.  

    I did all my prep work. 4 months before we even started TTC I quit BC, started supplements, went to the OBGYN, went to the dentist, read the books, started charting, checking CM and salivia. So...even though we've only been trying for 8 cycles I feel like we should be ahead of the game.  I want to feel like we're making progress not just doing the same thing over and over if it isn't getting us anywhere.  If this isn't working, then lets move on. Why should I have to go through this for another 6 months only to then start finding out there is something more we could have done?

    Be glad your doctor is even working with you on this. I can't even get anyone to see me because we haven't been trying for a year. Again, why wait a year? I know chances are we will be one of those couples that don't need assistance but why wait a year to find out if we are? It'd be great if we're not but if we are I don't want to wait around to find out. I am sure there is no woman out there receveing fertility treatments that is saying to herself "I'm really glad we waited a year before seeing a doctor. That year of trying was really worth the effort" I have heard them say time and time again that they wish they would have gone sooner. Just because we've only been trying for 8 cycles doesn't mean we want a baby any less than anyone else.

    My hubby doesn't get it either. When I get frustrated because another doctor turned me away, he acts like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy, I just disagree with the 1 year rule. Just because my logic is not the same as theirs doesn't mean I'm crazy. I just have a different method for getting this done. He says he wants this as urgently as I do but if he does, why isn't he willing to do everything to speed the process up?

     I might have just outed myself as crazy on only my second post but I feel better venting and thanks for sharing ABWM5. I know you were just venting to keep yourself sane but knowing you're out there and going through this too makes me feel better. Good luck on the 7th. Sorry for hijacking your thread. If you need them I do have some suggestions for things I've found that make me feel like I'm working on a baby but distract me from it thinking about it too much to keep me sane.

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    imageWannalitter:

    I'm new and was trying not to make my first post a vent but I really wanted to post almost the exact same thing! Just like you, I didn't need advice for as you said "puting on my big girl panties" I just needed to vent about how I feel whether it be logical or not to someone who could understand where I'm coming from.

    I am right there with you and I completely understand how you feel. It is so frustrating to work so hard towards a goal and then have to come to grips with the fact that this is something that is just out of your control.  

    I did all my prep work. 4 months before we even started TTC I quit BC, started supplements, went to the OBGYN, went to the dentist, read the books, started charting, checking CM and salivia. So...even though we've only been trying for 8 cycles I feel like we should be ahead of the game.  I want to feel like we're making progress not just doing the same thing over and over if it isn't getting us anywhere.  If this isn't working, then lets move on. Why should I have to go through this for another 6 months only to then start finding out there is something more we could have done?

    Be glad your doctor is even working with you on this. I can't even get anyone to see me because we haven't been trying for a year. Again, why wait a year? I know chances are we will be one of those couples that don't need assistance but why wait a year to find out if we are? It'd be great if we're not but if we are I don't want to wait around to find out. I am sure there is no woman out there receveing fertility treatments that is saying to herself "I'm really glad we waited a year before seeing a doctor. That year of trying was really worth the effort" I have heard them say time and time again that they wish they would have gone sooner. Just because we've only been trying for 8 cycles doesn't mean we want a baby any less than anyone else.

    My hubby doesn't get it either. When I get frustrated because another doctor turned me away, he acts like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy, I just disagree with the 1 year rule. Just because my logic is not the same as theirs doesn't mean I'm crazy. I just have a different method for getting this done. He says he wants this as urgently as I do but if he does, why isn't he willing to do everything to speed the process up?

     I might have just outed myself as crazy on only my second post but I feel better venting and thanks for sharing ABWM5. I know you were just venting to keep yourself sane but knowing you're out there and going through this too makes me feel better. Good luck on the 7th. Sorry for hijacking your thread. If you need them I do have some suggestions for things I've found that make me feel like I'm working on a baby but distract me from it thinking about it too much to keep me sane.

    You wait a year because 90% of couples will get pregnant within a year without needing help, and that includes months 8-12. If multiple doctors are telling you this, maybe you should trust them and calm down.

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    Together since 5/08 ~ Married 6/19/10 ~ TTC #1 since 8/10
    BFP#1 3/26/11 ~ EDD 12/2/11 ~ Ectopic Twins left tube 7w3d
    BFP#2 11/2/11 ~ EDD 7/14/12 ~ Robert Edgar born 7/18/12
    BFP#3 9/28/13 ~ EDD 5/20/14 ~ Benjamin Clarence born 5/15/14
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    imageWannalitter:

    I'm new and was trying not to make my first post a vent but I really wanted to post almost the exact same thing! Just like you, I didn't need advice for as you said "puting on my big girl panties" I just needed to vent about how I feel whether it be logical or not to someone who could understand where I'm coming from.

    I am right there with you and I completely understand how you feel. It is so frustrating to work so hard towards a goal and then have to come to grips with the fact that this is something that is just out of your control.  

    I did all my prep work. 4 months before we even started TTC I quit BC, started supplements, went to the OBGYN, went to the dentist, read the books, started charting, checking CM and salivia. So...even though we've only been trying for 8 cycles I feel like we should be ahead of the game.  I want to feel like we're making progress not just doing the same thing over and over if it isn't getting us anywhere.  If this isn't working, then lets move on. Why should I have to go through this for another 6 months only to then start finding out there is something more we could have done?

    Be glad your doctor is even working with you on this. I can't even get anyone to see me because we haven't been trying for a year. Again, why wait a year? I know chances are we will be one of those couples that don't need assistance but why wait a year to find out if we are? It'd be great if we're not but if we are I don't want to wait around to find out. I am sure there is no woman out there receveing fertility treatments that is saying to herself "I'm really glad we waited a year before seeing a doctor. That year of trying was really worth the effort" I have heard them say time and time again that they wish they would have gone sooner. Just because we've only been trying for 8 cycles doesn't mean we want a baby any less than anyone else.

    My hubby doesn't get it either. When I get frustrated because another doctor turned me away, he acts like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy, I just disagree with the 1 year rule. Just because my logic is not the same as theirs doesn't mean I'm crazy. I just have a different method for getting this done. He says he wants this as urgently as I do but if he does, why isn't he willing to do everything to speed the process up?

     I might have just outed myself as crazy on only my second post but I feel better venting and thanks for sharing ABWM5. I know you were just venting to keep yourself sane but knowing you're out there and going through this too makes me feel better. Good luck on the 7th. Sorry for hijacking your thread. If you need them I do have some suggestions for things I've found that make me feel like I'm working on a baby but distract me from it thinking about it too much to keep me sane.

    You wait a year because it can take a perfectly healthy couple 12 months at least to conceive. You wait a year because if insurance companies thought impatience was a fertility issue, everyone would be filing claims and they would lose money, thus not covering ANY fertility treatments, even for those couples who NEED it. 

    Stop wishing infertility on yourself and be thankful that you haven't had to go through any of the tests, etc. yet. It's incredibly insensitive for you to WANT medical treatment, when so many women suffer from actual infertility. 

     

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    Wow, just wow.  To both of the ladies who are absolutely freaking out after 8 cycles respectively, both of you really need to take a step back and a deep breath.  Please, stop decorating a nursery.  That's not emotionally healthy.  Doing what you're doing, charting, learning about your body, doing whatever you can to control the uncontrollable IS doing something.  I say that as someone who is going through the same thing.  I'm a little confused by this past cycle (long story), but I've been at this for 8 cycles.  I know, you worry there's something wrong, so why should you have to wait?   

    As others have said before, you have to wait because of all of the women on this board and in a thousand other places who have had cycle 9. 10, 11, 12 BFPs. You have to wait because that could very easily be you, or me.  It really CAN just take that long!  It may suck, but it is the reality.  Doctor's won't see you (normally) because you don't need them yet.  Don't wish that on yourself.

    Many of my friends are going through infertility treatments.  Really and truly, you don't want to wish that on yourself.  Think about that for just a second.  I know you really want a baby, we all do, but you also don't WANT there to be something wrong.  Even with testing, there isn't a magical cure.  Clomid isn't always the answer.  IUIs and IVF take an emotional toll, I've seen it.  You don't want to go there if you don't have to.  You're impatient and you're wishing yourself out of the frying pan and into the fire.  Just stop it.

    But thank you, writing this out helps me to feel less disappointed for myself.  I have one more cycle before I turn 35.  I know we should pursue testing in February, since we'll be covered at that point by insurance, but I'm not sure what we'll do.  We need to sit down and have another talk, but I personally am doing my best to walk into this new year with hope, instead of fear and impatience.  I know it isn't easy.  Just stay hopeful that this one will be the one and put one foot in front of the other.  Good luck!

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    Clearly I'm not going to recieve the understanding I was looking for here so I'm going to drop my argument because no one will understand how I feel and it is just going to frustrate me and upset me. I am sorry if I was being insensitive in my post and offended anyone. It was not my intention. I was just wanting to vent and looking for someone to be sensitive to my point of view.

    However, I will say I am offended when I'm told I am "clearly freaking out". I acknowledged multiple times in my post that others may see my point of view as illogical (crazy). Making an argument for my point of view and backing it up with reasons for why I feel the way I do is not freaking out. If I was not able to function and meet all of my responsibilities because I was obsessed about baby making or having deliusions about imaginary babies, I would be freaking out. Disagree with me if you like but please don't accuse me of losing it. Posting an argument on a message board is not "freaking out."

    Also, I'm offended that anyone would accuse me of wishing infertility upon myself. I've seen several of my friends (all male, I came here seeking the female point of view on TTC) go through it and there is nothing I fear more. Wanting to see a doctor to rule out any possibility of infertility doesn't impead my chances of having a baby. It will not make me infertile. Just because 80% of couples will conceive without help isn't an argument for waiting that year. I don't see how you could interpret my opinion of wanting to see a doctor as wish for infertility. I don't want treatment. I want to know I don't need it.

    Mrs.T, you make a very good point about the insurance companies. I guess I never thought about that because our insurance doesn't cover fertility testing of any sort. I can definetly see where that would be detrimental to anyone who is seeking fertiltiy treatment and recieveing insurance benefits for it. Your point made me wonder if more people paying for fertilty testing out of pocket would put any more pressure on employers to seek out insurance companies that include it. What do you all think?

    Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I didn't mean to be a big jerk-face in one of my first posts. I will grovel until you forgive me. Embarrassed

     

     

     

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    I'm sorry that you're offended by the particular phrase of "freaking out", but that's the phrase I used as a catch all for your and ABWM5's posts.  Maybe it was unfair.  You even admit it's a refusal to listen to logic.  Would an emotional reaction (or over reaction) be better?  I called it freaking out because you've been at it for 8 months and your reaction is a bit over the top.  While everyone hates the phrase to "just relax", you also have to realize that throwing this much intensity into a goal you have zero control over also isn't particularly healthy.  I know, I've let it take over more than I should over the past 8 months.  I can say for me it isn't healthy, at all.  It really isn't a competition of who wants it more.  It will only happen when it's meant to happen. 

    I understand that you're frustrated.  I get it, I've been there.  But, when you say you want to rule out infertility, you do realize it isn't that simple.  What if they do every test in the book and they don't find anything wrong?  What does that accomplish?  You're right back where you started, right?  I know MANY people who ARE infertile and have NO explanation.  Everything is normal, they're just not pregnant.  In reality, having testing now, with an answer that you are normal doesn't solve anything for you, other than peace of mind.  The medical industry isn't there to make you feel better.  If you're lucky, It won't give you any answers, it will just put you back on the track that you've been on which is - keep trying.  It takes time.

    By the way, go back and read your original post.  You didn't say you just wanted to rule out anything.  You said you were tired of just doing the same thing over and over again.  You said you wanted to move on to the next steps.  To me that doesn't read as wanting to rule anything out..  You may not have meant it that way, but that's how I took it.  I'm sorry if that offends you, I just get frustrated at over reaction.

    I do wish you luck in your journey. 

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    imageStephK:

    I understand that you're frustrated.  I get it, I've been there.  But, when you say you want to rule out infertility, you do realize it isn't that simple.  What if they do every test in the book and they don't find anything wrong?  What does that accomplish?  You're right back where you started, right?  I know MANY people who ARE infertile and have NO explanation.  Everything is normal, they're just not pregnant.  In reality, having testing now, with an answer that you are normal doesn't solve anything for you, other than peace of mind.  The medical industry isn't there to make you feel better.  If you're lucky, It won't give you any answers, it will just put you back on the track that you've been on which is - keep trying.  It takes time.

    By the way, go back and read your original post.  You didn't say you just wanted to rule out anything.  You said you were tired of just doing the same thing over and over again.  You said you wanted to move on to the next steps.  To me that doesn't read as wanting to rule anything out..  You may not have meant it that way, but that's how I took it.  I'm sorry if that offends you, I just get frustrated at over reaction.

    I do wish you luck in your journey. 

    In addition to what StephK said, what if you pay out all this money for testing and get no answers AND you get pregnant within the next 4 cycles? Then you will have wasted all that money and put yourself through the testing (some aren't bad, but it's going to take the absolute insistance of a doctor to get me to do another HSG test) for no reason. And, sorry, peace of mind isn't a good enough reason.

    Look, you said you don't think you'll find sympathy and understanding here. That's an absolute joke. Do you think your plight is so much more special than all the other ladies' here? Sorry, but it is not. There are a great number of us who are well past 6 month mark and most of us who are are or have waited until the year mark to see our doctors (with the exception of those with known issues). We all understand the frustrations and of course we all want answers--and a baby--just as much and as fast as you do. But, we also know how to read the facts. And the facts are that it can take a healthy couple who is doing everything right with perfect timing up to ONE YEAR.

    For the sake of your own mental health and the health of your marriage, you need to take a step back and get your priorities in check. And, for the love of God, get a hobby that does has no connection to babies.

    Proud Doxie Mommy
    image

    TTC #1 since Sept. 2009 - DX unexplained IF March 2011 - "Surprise" BFP March 2012
    DS born via c-section 11/17/12
    TTC #2 (or, not TTA) Nov. 2013
    BFP #2 8/22/14, Missed M/C 6w2d, Discovered 7w4d/Official 8w6d, D&C 9/27/14
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    imageWannalitter:

    I'm new and was trying not to make my first post a vent but I really wanted to post almost the exact same thing! Just like you, I didn't need advice for as you said "puting on my big girl panties" I just needed to vent about how I feel whether it be logical or not to someone who could understand where I'm coming from.

    I am right there with you and I completely understand how you feel. It is so frustrating to work so hard towards a goal and then have to come to grips with the fact that this is something that is just out of your control.  

    I did all my prep work. 4 months before we even started TTC I quit BC, started supplements, went to the OBGYN, went to the dentist, read the books, started charting, checking CM and salivia. So...even though we've only been trying for 8 cycles I feel like we should be ahead of the game.  I want to feel like we're making progress not just doing the same thing over and over if it isn't getting us anywhere.  If this isn't working, then lets move on. Why should I have to go through this for another 6 months only to then start finding out there is something more we could have done?

    Be glad your doctor is even working with you on this. I can't even get anyone to see me because we haven't been trying for a year. Again, why wait a year? I know chances are we will be one of those couples that don't need assistance but why wait a year to find out if we are? It'd be great if we're not but if we are I don't want to wait around to find out. I am sure there is no woman out there receveing fertility treatments that is saying to herself "I'm really glad we waited a year before seeing a doctor. That year of trying was really worth the effort" I have heard them say time and time again that they wish they would have gone sooner. Just because we've only been trying for 8 cycles doesn't mean we want a baby any less than anyone else.

    My hubby doesn't get it either. When I get frustrated because another doctor turned me away, he acts like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy, I just disagree with the 1 year rule. Just because my logic is not the same as theirs doesn't mean I'm crazy. I just have a different method for getting this done. He says he wants this as urgently as I do but if he does, why isn't he willing to do everything to speed the process up?

     I might have just outed myself as crazy on only my second post but I feel better venting and thanks for sharing ABWM5. I know you were just venting to keep yourself sane but knowing you're out there and going through this too makes me feel better. Good luck on the 7th. Sorry for hijacking your thread. If you need them I do have some suggestions for things I've found that make me feel like I'm working on a baby but distract me from it thinking about it too much to keep me sane.

    20%. That's the chance a HEALTHY couple has each month when timing is PERFECT. Impatience isn't an infertility issue. Go watch The Great Sperm Race on YouTube, maybe that will put it in perspective for you.
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    My comment about not finding understanding here came out completely wrong. I meant lack of understanding on this one issue. Not about the TTC process in general. Just the one opinion about when to see a doctor. For that I'm so very sorry. I sincerely apologize for how that came out.

    I'm agreeing to disagree about when to see a doctor. I'd like to drop it.

    However I will continue to argue about the accusations made about my mental health.

     "For the sake of your own mental health and the health of your marriage, you need to take a step back and get your priorities in check. And, for the love of God, get a hobby that does has no connection to babies."

    I made and animated argument for how I feel about one subject. I function just fine and don't spend every waking moment of every day thinking about babies. I do have other hobbies and interests. There is just this one issue I disagree on and I was trying to make a point about it. My mental health is not at stake, nor is the health of my marriage. My priorities are pefectly in check. I may have been insensitive but I am the only one who has had their mental health or marriage questioned. That was uncalled for.

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    Wanna - first of all, I may disagree with you about the timing of testing, but I give you props for sticking in there and defending yourself.  You'll never get the board to agree with you on this subject.  This board is a mix of people just getting started, people who have been at it for a while and for people who are dealing with IF and going through IUI and IVF.  Those people who have dealt with scheduling at the RE, getting insurance coverage, etc. have detailed at length why early and likely unnecessary testing affects everyone.  I'm sure one of them may chime in eventually.

    We'll just agree to disagree.  I do hope you stick around.

    As for the mental health aspect - some people DO get way too over invested.  If you can handle it and it isn't all consuming, then I think you're safe.

    Now, I probably need to do something that doesn't involve discussing my fertility. Wink

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