Follow-up to passive/aggressive ILs...

anna7602

I posted yesterday about the sh*t-storm my SIL created by sending me & DH a crazy email about how "hurt" her parents are that we "refuse" to skype with them.

I didn't respond to her, I just sent an email to MIL telling her how we very much want them to have a relationship with DD, etc. and if there's anything specific they'd like us to do, to just ask us directly and not involve SIL. (I couldn't stop myself from mentioning her.) Phonecalls from the ILs followed, and I came to find out one of the roots of the whole mess was that they were just lecturing SIL the other night about how uninvolved she is in DD's life and how she will one day regret not having a relationship with her niece.(And apparently SIL's response was that she could just "skype" with DD even if she couldn't be bothered to be in town when we visited for Thanksgiving or see us when she comes to NYC.)  

While it's nice to have some understanding of what spurred SIL's really hurtful and spiteful email, I am also thinking it's kind of weird to try to force your adult daughter (SIL is in her late 30s) to care about DD or have an interest in her when she clearly does not. I feel like guilting her can only lead to the kind of behavior she displayed in her email, not an actual loving and fruitful relationship. It seems very non-AP to treat your own child like this and I'm not sure how they think it will actually have a good result.

I see my parents do similar things when it comes to my brothers, both in their 40s, who have a terrible relationship with each other for reasons I can't even begin to go into. This isn't about saying "hey, be civil when we're all together at Christmas," an impulse I would understand. Like my ILs, my parents are trying to force my brothers to be "friends," something that just isn't going to happen. It really upsets me to see parents fail to understand or accept their adult children in this way. It's almost as if they can't see them as independent beings.  

someflower6

well i'm glad it was sorted out. i'm sure your parental IL's just want to see their daughter not miss out on her relationship with your daughter. it IS her niece. ideally she would be making an effort. but i know, there's no point in guilting or forcing someone into something.

Allie30

Yeah, I agree that's weird. My one brother sent me a gift when the baby was born, and asks after her whenever we talk, my other brother came to visit. My BIL came to visit and gave us gifts at Xmas. I have a nephew -- I ask after him when we talk and I send Xmas and birthday presents and of course i'm always glad to see him -- but weekly skyping? Um, no.

pixieprincss

I'm glad you got it (mostly) sorted out.