Working Moms

Not sure how to handle- nanny caught lying

So, things are pretty good with our sitter. It's affordable, lo loves her, etc. but she has called out sick 3 times since starting in Sept, but it's not a big deal to me.

However, the kicker is today h and are both off. We made plans last night to go out this afternoon and sitter agreed to come over. Well, I get a text this morning saying she had a family emergency & had to go home (1 1/2 hours away) to see her relative who isn't doing well.

Well, I go to her fb page (it's public, I know not good) & nothing. Then I go to her SO's page (public as well) and I see "X town with the family" which is a completely different town- more for sightseeing.

I am dissappointed b/c I haven't left the house since Sun (I WFH), but I was also wrong for searching for this information. I also don't think she would do this if she knew I was working- it was more justified since I am off.

I don't know. It's hard WFH because you get closer to the person & judgment becomes fuzzy. I try so hard to be flexible, open (i.e.- she had no reason to be afraid to say no sorry I am busy), compensate as much as I can (gave 3/4 week pay for bonus last week and used the other 1/4 to buy a gift) etc.

I just feel down and out about this. I don't have to ask my H b/c I know he has no tolerance for this... I guess the relationship has grown on me, and I need to figure out if this is something that can slide.

What are your thoughts?

Re: Not sure how to handle- nanny caught lying

  • So, are you friends with her on facebook or were you snooping? If you are friends, just say you saw that she was in x town and ask her about it.

    How do you know the ill friend wasn't in x town? He dis say they were with family. The plans might have changed. Just because it is a tourist area doesn't mean she went there for tourist reasons.

    I would give her the benefit of the doubt, but I would approach her about it. You don't have to tell her how you found out, just say you heard she was in x town over the weekend. Give her a chance to explain herself. If she did lie, tell her this is her one warning. No more lying about anything, even if it seems harmless. This relationship is ALL about trust.

    I would not bring up how you were hurt because it was your one chance to go out. That isn't what the issue is here. Stick to business.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    met DH 1995 ~ married DH 2006 ~ completed our family 2008
    Life is good!
  • I don't understand how the "x town with family" means she's lying.
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  • Honestly, I don't think you were wrong for looking at the FB page, because it was PUBLIC!  There are privacy settings on there for a reason.  If he doesn't want the world reading his FB page, then he should make it private.  People should not be shocked when they put stuff on the internet for the world to see, and then people actually SEE IT.  Duh.  

    Anyway, that was just a side rant.  If it were me, I would just be upfront.  Tell her what you saw on her SO's FB page and ask her about it.  (Are you sure that she was with him?)  Say that you hope that you can be honest with each other, and if she can't sit for you, you hope she will be forthright about the reason.  Reiteriate how important honesty is to you in your relationship with her.

     Good luck. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imagearte79:
    I don't understand how the "x town with family" means she's lying.
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • I assume since you said it was her SOs page they aren't married.  So how do you know "x town with family" means she is there with him?
  • imageMrs.0428:
    I assume since you said it was her SOs page they aren't married.  So how do you know "x town with family" means she is there with him?

    Stupid nest ate my post!  But, anyway - yeah - ditto this!

    DH and I do separate things all the time, why are you making the leap from what her SO said on his FB status to her lying? 

    BTW - I called out sick 2x since September - does that mean my employer should be suspicious and not trust me, check my FB page or my DH's?  People get sick at inconvenient times, people's husbands do separate things, etc. 

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • I think you should just leave it alone. Like a pp said how do you know that she didn't run off to y town and SO when to x town with his fam? And maybe a family memeber got diagnosed with cancer and so they are doing a family day in x town?

     

  • Yea, I'm not sure you caught her lying.  And I have to say I think it's a little weird that you went to her FB page, but her SO's?  To me it's kind of like having the boss drive by your house, then your boy friend's, when you call out sick.  It's just not a good idea to stalk your employees.

    I would let it go.  There is no way you can bring this up without outing yourself.  And frankly, I would be offended and creeped out if my boss checked up on me like that.  Sorry if I sound harsh but I just don't agree with you on this one.

    image

    My twins are 5! My baby is 3!

    DS#2 - Allergic to Cashew, Pistachio, Kiwi

    DS#3 - Allergic to Milk, Egg, Peanut, Tree Nuts and Sesame

  • I see nothing wrong at looking at their public fb pages. That said, I don't think that you've caught her lying so I would not bring this up at all.
    2007 BFP#1 MMC 12w; 2008 BFP#2 DS1; 2010 BFP#3 DS2; 2011 TTC; 2013 Pursuing DIA
  • I agree that I don't see anything wrong with checking her FB page.  She said family ER and why wouldn't you check to see that everything was alright?  But given what you have said, unless there is a clear indication that she was lying, I think I would leave it alone.  As the others have said, it's not 100% conclusive and you could tank your relationship with your sitter by jumping to conclusions and accusing her.

    If there is proof that she was lying, I would simply gently say "hey, checked your and your SO's FB page to make sure everything was okay with your relative and saw that you were actually sight-seeing with the family.  Trust is really important here.  If you wanted the day off for family time, next time please just tell us.  While we would've been disappointed to not have that time to ourselves, we understand and it wouldn't have been an issue."  Then just carry on as usual and ignore it.


    image
    DD -- 5YO
    DS -- 3YO

  • Ok- after having time to think on it, and seeing responses I'm going to leave it alone.

    I am not FB friends with nanny. She has a public page. Her SO also has a public page. I know her SO b/c I leave my door open such that they are able to be together when nanny is working, especially at night when my lo sleeps. I didn't see what I was doing as stalking but rather checking up on them. I guess maybe I'm wrong to do that, but I feel like anything you put out there on the internet should be considered free game.

    More detail on situation- the txt I got said "we" are in X state (south of where she and I live) which indicates live in SO was the "we". Then SO's page said in X town (a different state/town north of where we live) with the family- which I believe they consider eachother to be family. Additionally, the text was about a specific relative not doing too well who is already ill and dying so to see the SO saying that they are in another town/state doesn't add up.

    I'm sorry- it's very hard to convey towns/states/etc. while staying in my comfort zone of details here.

    As far as the sick- yes, I did think 1 time a month for 3 months straight (starting with month 1) for separate items was odd. Maybe my expectations are wrong on that as well.

     

  • I think you need to let this go. Sounds like you may have been making an assumption based on her significant other's facebook post. Perhaps the SO was not even with her?
  • so wait- you let her SO come hang with her while she's watching your kids?  do you know him? I'd  have a big problem with that... i don't want any man (or woman) around my children that i don't know- that I haven't screened (or my daycare hasn't screened, etc.)..... but that's a separate issue.

    If you don't trust her - she shouldn't be watching your children. period.

    If you don't trust her only b/c of this FB thing- then maybe i'd give it another shot... but if you were having feelings before this- then i'd find new care.  Being cheap is not a good reason to stick with someone that you can't trust.

     

  • I don't think it's a big deal to look at people's public FB pages but I think you need to ask yourself why you felt compelled to do it in the first place, and then address that with the nanny if you think it's necessary.
  • imageGoldie_Locks_5:

    so wait- you let her SO come hang with her while she's watching your kids?  do you know him? I'd  have a big problem with that... i don't want any man (or woman) around my children that i don't know- that I haven't screened (or my daycare hasn't screened, etc.)..... but that's a separate issue.

    If you don't trust her - she shouldn't be watching your children. period.

     

    This. I would never let someone in my house to be near my children unless i knew a lot about who they are and had a background check. Not to be dramatic, but this is how bad things happen to kids! Parents assume it's ok because someone they "trust" knows the someone they let into their home. If you don't know the person , don't let them into your home to be around your children when you aren't there.

    On the other topic, if you have a problem with her calling in at the last minute then take up your issue with that. Don't call into play specifics of where she was and how she lied. Just like any employer she has her right to take X number of sick days etc. If she is irresponsible about taking them and doesnt give you notice etc that is up to your standards then talk to her about THAT. Don't bring up where she was or why, that is her business not yours. If you told her it was ok to be gone that day then it is ok to be gone, period.

  • If I am reading this all right, it appears she lied to you about her reason for cancelling, right?  I don't think that is the end of the world.  At all.  She didn't lie about anything related to your child or such.  Instead of saying, "we want to take a day trip and I shouldn't have committed to babysitting" she made up a more "acceptable" excuse.  There is likely some truth to it - said family member is likely really ill...she just didn't need to be there. 

    I suppose she should have thought things through before committing.  And I guess she could have called and said, "nevermind, I don't wanna" but I can see how she didn't think that was a good enough excuse to get out of that commitment.

    DH calls in sick to work when he isn't really sick.. He has sick days and wants to use them, so he says he is sick and he isn't.  He plays hookie.  I don't really see the difference.

    If this is the first offense, i would totally chuckle it off and move on.  

  • imagesusanmosley:

    If I am reading this all right, it appears she lied to you about her reason for cancelling, right?  I don't think that is the end of the world.  At all.  She didn't lie about anything related to your child or such.  Instead of saying, "we want to take a day trip and I shouldn't have committed to babysitting" she made up a more "acceptable" excuse.  There is likely some truth to it - said family member is likely really ill...she just didn't need to be there. 

    I suppose she should have thought things through before committing.  And I guess she could have called and said, "nevermind, I don't wanna" but I can see how she didn't think that was a good enough excuse to get out of that commitment.

    DH calls in sick to work when he isn't really sick.. He has sick days and wants to use them, so he says he is sick and he isn't.  He plays hookie.  I don't really see the difference.

    If this is the first offense, i would totally chuckle it off and move on.  

    Yup, this is pretty much it. You've rationalized it well, and I agree. I guess in retrospect the title of my post was a bit dramatic given the actual details!

  • I don't think you caught her in a lie. I am married. From June - December we had 5 deaths in my family; 3 of which were sudden. When my Grandmother passed away it was far too difficult and expensive for my husband, my cousin's husband, and my Uncle's wife to make the last minute trip to Florida for the service (we live in the midwest).  Not to mention we all have young children. So WE traveled to Florida together for the service and the spouse's stayed back with the kids. My cousin's husband was in a triathlon that weekend and the family went to support him. So in my long example, I had a death and I assume that if anyone read my FB status saying "we have landed safely in Florida" and didn't know the situation they would have found it odd that my hubby's said "hanging in X with the fam."  Just saying, it could happen. 

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