Adoption

A potential match!!! (and ? about race & adoption)

So I recv'd a phone call today that I was not expecting for at least another six months-- a EM saw our profile online and contacted our agency and wants to place with us.  I was over the moon as this expectant mom is more than I ever could've hoped for in terms of what we were comfortable with. She is due February 13 with a sweet little girl.  My heart is pounding even as I type this at the prospect that this may be our baby.   I called my husband and told him all the details and his response was "I want to know more but I'm not going to lie... I wish that one of the parents was white"  (The mother is biracial, the father is black)

A little background on us-- I am black and DH is white. The only think that I can think about is my friend's baby cousin that I was holding last weekend.  She  is Vietmanese and as I was holding her I know that I would have taken her as mine in a minute. So my question is an honest one for people with children that are a different race than their husband.  Was this ever an issue that came up in the adoption process?  Logically, there is a part me that feels that any biological child that we would have would be perceived as black by America anyways-- is there really such a big leap from biracial to black? Am I being inconsiderate to my husband's desires?  

33 yo, DH with MFI Iui x4, Dec 2009 to Jan2011 all BFN.... IVF May 2011 BFP, mc June 2011 at 6.5 weeks, FET Oct 2011 BFP! Sweet baby girl born 25 June 2012** started adoption process Feb 2010, approved Oct 2010, failed match in delivery rooms Feb & Aug 2011... Birthmom called back 3d after we returned home. Aug 26 2011, our sweet baby boy comes home for good!!

Re: A potential match!!! (and ? about race & adoption)

  • Wow! That sounds awesome! I really hope this works for yall! :)  (Sorry. I don't have any advice on your questions.)
  • Hey. Thanks for the well wishes.  Just curious, what agency in Texas are you waiting to get approved with? 
    33 yo, DH with MFI Iui x4, Dec 2009 to Jan2011 all BFN.... IVF May 2011 BFP, mc June 2011 at 6.5 weeks, FET Oct 2011 BFP! Sweet baby girl born 25 June 2012** started adoption process Feb 2010, approved Oct 2010, failed match in delivery rooms Feb & Aug 2011... Birthmom called back 3d after we returned home. Aug 26 2011, our sweet baby boy comes home for good!!
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  • Congrats on your news!

    Our son is multi-racial, and now that he's here, it's not something we really even think about. Which is not to say that we're "color blind" or that he won't know about his heritage, we aren't and he will, but it's just a non-issue. He is our child -- the child who was meant to be ours.

    Sometimes I see us in the mirror together and I'm taken back a bit that we don't look alike! It sounds crazy, but he feels so much a part of me.

    I don't know. It gave me pause, in the beginning, to think of parenting a child who was a different race. Fear, mostly. For him, would he feel out of place? For us, would he reject us someday?

    We were only open to biracial, partly because of what your husband said, and we ended up with a child who only has one CC bio grandparent.

    I'm rambling, but I guess what I'm trying to say is: when it's your child, it doesn't matter.

    (We found out that son's BF is biracial, not CC as was previously reported to the agency, after we were matched and I can't even tell you how much of a nonissue it is to us.)

     

  • Congrats!  About the race, I honestly can't answer, we don't have any desire for our children to have the same race as us (we're both white). and I guess having one parent bi-racial would make me think of the baby as part white.  I agree with you, if you had a baby biologically it would look more like you than him, so this would probably be similar.

     

    I'm sorry that your DH is having a hard time with this.  I hope you can work through it.

    Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • Congrats on the possible match!  Very exciting!   I agree with MayDay that since you and DH are different races and a biological baby would most likely have a similar skin tone with you that I wouldn't think it would matter as much.  If you and DH were both caucasian and he said this, it would make me more concerned.  That being said, although it is hard to think about walking away from a possible match, you need to make sure DH is 100% on board.  I would suggest having a conversation asking why exactly he feels that way.  Maybe he has other feelings that need to be expressed! 

    I hope it all works out however it's supposed to!

    TTC #1 since 12/07 SA 9/08=borderline normal HSG 1/09 found R tube blocked Multiple IUIs both with oral and injectible drugs from 2/09-2/11 Started domestic adoption process in 5/10, homestudy complete 9/10 Failed adoption after home with baby for 2 weeks 11/10 Blessed through the miracle of private adoption with a son, born 6/6/11 (his grandma's bday) 7lbs 9oz 20.5 inches long! So worth the wait!
  • Congrats on your possible match; I hope that things go well for you. Smile

    We are a BW/WM couple as well and we definitely had some very honest discussions about this kind of thing before we got started with the process. (we are currently waiting to be matched).  I asked DH if he'd be ok with a full African American child and he said yes; when he asked me if I'd be ok with an all White child, I had to be honest and say no.  That was actually something that I'd never even considered.  As we talked about it some more, he admitted that he was nervous about being matched with a child who was very dark-skinned.  We also talked about the fact that a biracial child is still most likely to be seen as black in American culture (which we also discussed when we were TTC).  I think the real issue though was that we were mourning the idea of not having a child that resembled either of us physically or who we are as a couple. 

    After a lot of talking and praying, we now believe that we will end up with the child who we are truly meant to be with, regardless of what they may look like.  I think that these are issues that can come up with any type of transracial adoption.  Personally, I think that they need to happen in order for us to make sure we're on the same page and unified in how we want to build our family, since that's what this is really all about.  I hope that helps.

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  • imagedishy71:

    I think the real issue though was that we were mourning the idea of not having a child that resembled either of us physically or who we are as a couple. 

    This is what I was going to say, too.

    I really hope this is your baby, and if not, that your baby comes soon. Once you have a chance to talk to him some more I think things will be a lot clearer.

  • I'm excited for you and hope this situation works out!!!

    My husband and I are both white, and our son is biracial (1/2 black 1/2 white).  The above poster is correct - when it's your own child, the color of his or her skin really is irrelevant.  When you hold that baby in your arms it really isn't going to matter to you.  That said, of course you have to respect your husband's wishes.  However, there is never any guarantee as to the darkness of skin (as I'm sure you know).  A child who is 1/2 white could have skin just as dark as this child who is only 1/4 white (or even a child who is full African American), so it would seem silly to pass on this situation in the hopes of matching with a child who is exactly 1/2 white with the assumption that his or her skin will be lighter.

  • Congrats!  I think you both have to decide and be respectful of each others feelings, which is hard!  Your DH should read this post from today :-)
  • Congrats on the potential match!  My DH and I have a Hispanic/Native American child-- he looks nothing like me with my blond hair and blue eyes.  I love his dark curls and the way his smile can make me melt. 

    I agree with PP's who stated that you need to talk to DH about why he feels that way.  When I first heard about our child's nationality, I was a bit concerned, but I got over it really fast.

    m/c 12/20/09 @ 5 1/2 weeks ~ CP 1/25/09 @ 4 weeks ~ missed m/c 4/6/10 (stopped growing @ 6 weeks, stayed with me until 10) ~Foster parent to B, 9/10-1/12~ Proud Mother of Gage Stephen, born 12/26/12 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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