Single Parents

XP: (From 12-24) Tough Stuff, need advice please

Hi Girls,

 I've posted here a few times about my marriage, but things are only very slowly getting better, and sometimes seem to not getting better at all. 

 The long story short is that my husband has an anger management issue, which he learned from his father, who treats his mother much the same way my husband treats me.  My husband does not seem to know how to speak to me in a normal tone of voice, he's always yelling.  Poor dd has started saying "Daddy Screaming" when he does it.  He's put his hands one me a couple of times.  We've been to counseling, a few sessions, but they are very expensive and not covered by insurance and so we had to stop going.  I didn't feel they were helping much anyway, because I could not be totally honest with the counselor about the degree of his abuse, specifically the part where he pushes me around, because I'm fearful they'll decide we are unfit parents and take dd away.

 DD does have a mostly happy life here.  She's well taken care of by both myself and DH, he doesn't raise his voice to her, and he definitely does not hit her.  She does show extreme favoritism towards me, because she sees how DH is with me, and I don't think she likes him much for it, if it's possible for 2 1/2 year old to think that way.  She has a safe, clean home, good food, a nice daycare that she goes to 3 days a week because I work midnights.  We are financially strapped because we made poor decisions with credit cards in our early 20's and now we pay around 700 a month just to the card companies. 

 So I guess where I am going with this, is that I just don't know what to do.  I have OCD and anxiety, and alot of the things I worry about are the things DH and I fight about.  I've been to counseling myself, and tried various anxiety meds, all of which have yucky side effects for me, and none of which work that well.  We have only 1, barely working car.  I am not sure if I should live him, or if I could leave him, and what that would mean for DD.  The thought of not seeing her every single day (sharing custody with DH) breaks my heart.  I also worry what kind of life she'd have with the two of us being so broke.  But sometimes I just envision DD and I going off to a small apartment somewhere, and just making our way, just the two of us. 

 There are days where I feel like I do still love DH, when he's not being a jerk, when days or even weeks go by without him screaming at me over something.  But they are fewer and further between these days.  We're barely living like a married couple, we have no time or money to go out and we haven't had sex in a loooooooong time. 

 Thanks for listening, and I'd appreciate any advice, stories of those who've been there and survived it, those who stayed, those who left, and those who are going through it

Re: XP: (From 12-24) Tough Stuff, need advice please

  • I'm normally a pretty big advocate of trying to keep a marriage together, but I think you need to get out. I just can't stop thinking about how this is influencing your daughter. By staying with your husband, you are teaching her that it's ok for men to treat women the way he treats you. Do you want her to end up with someone like your husband, b/c she thinks that is a normal relationship? Divorce and making a new life is never an easy or happy choice to make. But if I were you, I'd do it immediately for my daughter's sake.
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  • I had the same fears about not being able to see my son every day because I had never been away from him before his first night with his dad.  I cried a lot that first time, but I got to sleep in a little, which I haven't been able to do in forever, and I used the time he was gone to get a lot done around the house that I can never get to with DS here.  And the next time it was his night, I didn't cry at all.  I know he's safe and having fun with his dad, so it's getting easier and easier.

    Just a few weeks ago, I came home and was rushing around, trying to get dinner done and keep DS happy.  I put dinner in the oven, and sat down with him and realized, I'm happy!  I don't have to look around and have anger or resentment toward X like I used to (his big thing was choosing to play video games over helping me/playing with DS). 

    There have definitely been tough times, but overall, I'm happy with the decision.  I didn't have to deal with any form of abuse, but I still had to think, do I want DS to grow up seeing his parents not do anything together and have to deal with that tension?  I don't want him to grow up thinking that's a normal relationship.  I think you have to make that your priority, and get your daughter and yourself out of that situation sooner rather than later. 

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  • The final staw for me was when DB cursed me out while I was holding DD (about 5 months old). I asked him what he would do if someone talked to his daughter the way that he talked to me. He said he would kill them. At that moment I decided that I would rather DD grow up never seeing her parents "together" than growing up thinking that being treated that way was normal. Is it easy, no. Does it seem like a constant uphill battle, sometimes. But you do it, for your child.

    I know this is a lot to comprehend, but you cannot love your DH enough to make him change. He first needs to recognize a problem (my ex still doesn't admit that anything was wrong in our marriage). Stay strong and do what is best for you and your daughter! Good luck

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  • I would recommend a couple of books.  First read: "He's Just No Good for You: Your Guide to Getting out of a Destructive Relationship".  Then: "The Manipulative Man".

    This man sounds dangerous and it sounds like a toxic environment for your daughter.  She is already suffering the repercussions of seeing this abuse.  Get out now.  For yourself but mostly for her.

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  • I'm not going to place any sort of judgment on you and your situation. I can totally understand how scary this must be for you. All I can tell you is that these girls on this board can offer you up so much wisdom and advice, especially achase. Have you read her blog?

    Best of luck to you and your little girl... please keep all of us posted.

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  • Thank You Everyone.  I have some serious stuff to think about, and I will keep you all posted.


    Thanks Monica, I will check out Achase's blog.

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