I've posted here a few times about my marriage, but things are only very slowly getting better, and sometimes seem to not getting better at all.
The long story short is that my husband has an anger management issue, which he learned from his father, who treats his mother much the same way my husband treats me. My husband does not seem to know how to speak to me in a normal tone of voice, he's always yelling. Poor dd has started saying "Daddy Screaming" when he does it. He's put his hands one me a couple of times. We've been to counseling, a few sessions, but they are very expensive and not covered by insurance and so we had to stop going. I didn't feel they were helping much anyway, because I could not be totally honest with the counselor about the degree of his abuse, specifically the part where he pushes me around, because I'm fearful they'll decide we are unfit parents and take dd away.
DD does have a mostly happy life here. She's well taken care of by both myself and DH, he doesn't raise his voice to her, and he definitely does not hit her. She does show extreme favoritism towards me, because she sees how DH is with me, and I don't think she likes him much for it, if it's possible for 2 1/2 year old to think that way. She has a safe, clean home, good food, a nice daycare that she goes to 3 days a week because I work midnights. We are financially strapped because we made poor decisions with credit cards in our early 20's and now we pay around 700 a month just to the card companies.
So I guess where I am going with this, is that I just don't know what to do. I have OCD and anxiety, and alot of the things I worry about are the things DH and I fight about. I've been to counseling myself, and tried various anxiety meds, all of which have yucky side effects for me, and none of which work that well. We have only 1, barely working car. I am not sure if I should live him, or if I could leave him, and what that would mean for DD. The thought of not seeing her every single day (sharing custody with DH) breaks my heart. I also worry what kind of life she'd have with the two of us being so broke. But sometimes I just envision DD and I going off to a small apartment somewhere, and just making our way, just the two of us.
There are days where I feel like I do still love DH, when he's not being a jerk, when days or even weeks go by without him screaming at me over something. But they are fewer and further between these days. We're barely living like a married couple, we have no time or money to go out and we haven't had sex in a loooooooong time.
Thanks for listening, and I'd appreciate any advice, stories of those who've been there and survived it, those who stayed, those who left, and those who are going through it