When to tell DD that Dh is not her reall dad?

mattswifetobe

I don't usually post here but I thought that you guys might be able to answer better than on the board I usually am on.

DD is 6 and DH is the only dad that she has ever known. Her BF is not in the picture and has never wanted anything to do with her. I met DH when she was 1 and 1/2 years old. She has not asked yet but I was wondering if this is something that we should tell her or wait until she asks about it. If we should tell her, at what age do you think would be best? I am not sure how she would feel if she ever figured it out on her own but I am concerned that when she does find out, she will pull the "you're not my dad and I don't have to listen to you" line.

What would you guys do? TIA

knmommy

My DS's spermdonor is in the picture but shouldn't be, for reason's I won't go into.  My DH has been in his life since he was about 13 months.  DH is his "dad"  We tell him he is special and he has 2 dads and whatnot.  Anyhow, I would just leave it for now, it may open up a whole nother can of worms.  JMHO!  GL

Erin Mary Ackerman

I'm afraid you've missed the boat a bit.  Kids need to grow up knowing the truth.  If DD knows that DH is not BF, but grows up knowing him as dad and knows he is always there then she won't have issues.

She will, almost guaranteed try out the "you're not my father" line on him as a teenager.  It's a stage-she will be testing her boundaries, and you two can both prepare for that.  When she realizes how those words hurt she won't use it again.

So next time when you are talking about how she was in your tummy, segue into how she met DH when she was a little baby.

Best of luck!

j+k

I don't know. I kind of think you should tell her right about the time you think she can grasp the concept of real daddy's and adoptive daddy's.   And when is that? I don't know.  But she should know at some point the truth.

I don't believe in secrets.

leslie_ina_dres

I think it is better to tell her now while she is young.  I feel it is better for her to be a little confused but know the truth than to find out on her own when she is older or be told when she is older and will feel like she was lied to. I feel like at the age of 6 she would be a little confused but at say 12 she would be angry and hurt.

My sister's oldest daughter does ot beling to the man she knows as dad.  Her BF does not even know she is his, and her stepdad came into the picture before she was even born.  He was with my sis throughout the entire pregnancy etc. etc.  They married when my niece was 5 months old.  She is 11 now and I really feel like my sister has waited way too long to tell her.  Both her biological dad and her deserve to know.  Her bio dad (my sister was married and cheated) wanted kids so badly.  He never really saw my sister again after they split up and I am not even entirely sure he even know she was pregnant. 

Anyway, I digress.  I think the sooner the better.

Mrs.Sesa

She should not be allowed to find out on her own.

She should know the truth...just not right now. Whenever you think she has reached a level that she could handle that kind of news would work.

All longs as she knows that her dad will be there and doesn't see her as "not really his" then I'm sure it will be fine.

But I would almost put money on the fact that she will eventually throw the "you're not my real dad" line. Just be ready for it and know that she probably won't mean it.

Mrs.R2D2

Is it an option for your H to adopt her?  that might lessen the blow.

Re: the "you're not my real dad" concern...  even kids who KNOW they're not adopted, who live in intact families, use that line on occasion. 

hindsight's_a_biotch

Teenagers will always find some excuse to rail against their parents. That doesn't excuse hiding the truth from them.

Pete has been told and continues to be told that fathers are the people who chose to love you.

Specifically, I told him he had another father while he was in my tummy but this man didn't want to be anyone's daddy. I also told him that H thinks pete is pretty awesome and decided that he not only wants to be a daddy, he wants to be Pete's daddy.

 

Littlejen22

I am not a step-child but I am adopted and to me this should be told NOW.

knmommy

Reading the other posts, I think you should probably tell her now also.  You don't want that guy coming back into her life and really screwing her up. 

Also, on a positive note my DS gets really mad at my DH but he has NEVER said that he wasn't his "real" dad.  DH is his real dad and he knows that, like I said, we told him he is just special and has 2 dads. 

Littlejen22

sorry, DS woke from his nap when I was posting.  Tell her now, don't wait or it can be worse for her.  You do not want her to feel lied to...and it is a lie.  And to say that she has not asked is a litttle strange to me since she would have no reason to ever ask if her Dad is her real father.  That said, I did not read all the posts but did see some good advice.  Explain to her that her Dad is not her biological father b biut that he is her real Dad...when she asks more questions explain that a Dad is the person that loves you and is there for you when you are happy, sad, sick, want to play, etc.  I am adopted but I only have one read Dad/father...even if was not my biological father.  Also, can DH adopt her?  If possible that is a great thing to do but not always possible.

hindsight's_a_biotch

Just a note though, adoption doesn't make this question go away.

I'm not saying anything against adoption. Trust me. But you can't go out and finalize an adoption just to put off telling her.

If your daughter remembered her previous father, adoption might solidify for her the idea that her daddy won't leave her like the last one did. But since she doesn't remember that, adoption would just be a formalization of the status quo.

Plus it's expensive. So look into it, do it if you want but it's not a solution to your current issue.

Littlejen22

Oh, Hindsight is totally right...I thought adoption just for the perspective of "real Dad", not that it's a requirement but he would be her legal father.  But, she needs to be told that her Dad did not father her...the older she is the harder this will be for her so it's very important for her to understand now..

EJonesey

We went through something similar to this, my DH is my SS's adopted father(DH & I are raising him, BM lives in another state, Bio-Dad has no contact), it's a long story....
SS remembers his Dad and Mom's wedding, he knew that DH was only in his life since he was 2, but he didn't put it together that DH was not his bio-dad. It wasn't hidden from SS, it just wasn't talked about. DH and bio-mom "missed the boat"

SS is in counseling and we go with him sometimes, we talked to the couselor about how to approach this because we didn't want to just come out and say it, but he needed to know.

So the counselor sat down with all of and we told him the truth, he took it well. He has never said "you aren't my Dad you can't tell me what to do." But he has said that to me, but I'm the stepmom- not the bio-mom or adopted mom.

I think you should bring in a neutral 3rd party to help you with this and to mediate or help the conversation go as well as it can. But she needs to know ASAP!

Hope this helps.