Posted this on TIP and was told to post here..could use some advice
Im new here but needed a place to vent my frustrations..please feel free to tell me I am wrong. Basically I am almost 38 weeks pregnant and almost gave birth last Saturday. I have been ordered to stay on bedrest and the baby could come anytime.
My husband has a daughter from his first marriage and I always feel that his ex and daughter come way before me and this baby on the way. He has her every other weekend and sometimes during the week and she demands all of his attention which I am fine with since she doesnt see him all the time.
We had her last weekend and will have her again this weekend because she wants to stay here. I requested that her mother be around just in case anything happened and I had to go to the hospital so we can have her picked up. My husband said thats fine but his ex and her husband will be 4 hrs away this weekend and there is no one else that can help out in case I need to go in for my c-section.
I guess what bothers me the most is that I feel I am 3rd on the list of priorities when it comes to my husband. I always have to work around what his ex needs or what his daughter wants and normally I wouldnt care but I am about to give birth and I NEED my husband. I have no family here and no support besides him.
We
have had this argument so many times I am sick of talking about
it..when his daughter says "jump" he says "how high" and I cant even
get quality time with him..we were just married in april and ready to
have a baby and I feel that I dont even have a husband. I just dont
want to be stuck and going through birth and labor without his full
suport and that cant happen if his daughter is with us.
Sorry this is so long..am I over reacting..how do I solve this?
thanks!
Re: Posted this on TIP and was told to post here..could use some advice
Well I already responded on FM, but welcome to the board and I hope you stick around when you have free time again! (I'm guessing with the new baby you won't be online much for awhile).
And I repeat, find some sort of sitter! It can be friends of yours, neighbors, a friend that SD spends time with, etc. I'm sure they'd be willing to do that for you. And if family was planning on coming up to the hospital for when you give birth, they could always watch SD in the waiting room.
You need to focus on things you can do to include her. I understand a c sec wont let her be there and she may be too young to even be in the room anyway. But its just my opinion.
You might be having a rough week. Sit back and think that this little girl is going through a HUGE change and on top of it you all were just married, she has alot of adjusting to do. You cant expect her to just go with it.
I hope you find ways to get closer, it doesnt sound like you have a solid relationship with SD, and your married to DH which makes me a little sad.
Im not fond of my ex at all, but Ive been making progress to get to know DD's future SM, and I am happy because she genuinely cares for our daughter.
I would have no problem with her being here all the time I just feel hurt that during this once in a lifetime extenuating services my wishes could be respected...
It sounds like some ladies were a bit harsh, and I have been a little snobby to step moms myself.
However after pulling my head out of my arse I can tell you that things get better.
First my advice is to tell your DH how this is making you feel, and as Illume said on TIP....explain how HIS decisions about how to handle this WILL affect your relationship.
I would also make this his thing to deal with, DO NOT take it upon yourself as you will just make BM an enemy here.
*hugs* I just delivered a newborn in July, his father wasnt there, had no intentions of caring. And my fiance was 1000 miles away, ITS HARD. I almost cry thinking of how alone I felt.
But....your strong and you have to be for your baby.
As many people wanted to say that you are treating SD differently......
I sorta got that impression at first. But then I remember how scared I was with my first, and how bad I needed comfort. I didnt even have a c sec.
I will pray for you you need alot of help right now.
Have SD help aorund the house. Get Dh to TELL BM to be within an hours reach or YOU WILL GET A SITTER until she can be there.
This is a very special time, I understand that...its something you cant undo redo or pretend will be ok. Its one shot and its a forever memory afterward. DH needs to think how he wants you to look back on that.
Honestly who is going to be more upset, SD 20 years from now because you had a baby on HER weekend or You 20 years from now because you gave birth alone while he was playing I spy out in the hall way.
If anything I am the one trying to make sure she is taken care of in case of an emergency..My H and his ex just want to "wing it"
We actually called his ex's sister and she will be around tomorrow in case anything happens..now I feel a little better.
Thanks again!
We're close in due-dates.
We have similar situations, to a point.. I don't necessarily think that my DH puts his son first, but we were in a bit of a similar pickle next weekend should my little one decide that would be a good weekend to make an appearance.
My entire family is going to be 700 miles away for my sister's wedding in Louisiana. My in-laws are going to be 3 hours away in Cincinnati and BM is going to be out of state for a conference for work that she can't get out of. She asked if we would her and take that weekend.
DH and I agreed to this before we knew what was going on.
FORTUNATELY, one of my sisters was unable to get off of work the Friday and Monday of the wedding, so she's planning on coming up here Friday night and staying with us for a few days JUST IN CASE.
But, we lucked out. Unlike in your situation. Have you really discussed this particular instance with him? It could also be a good thing having her there the weekend that you're due, because she'll have some family bonding time? Could your parents or his parents step up to stay with her? Or a good friend, relative, etc?
If your DH isn't making the arrangements, then I say go ahead and make them for him, write down all the information and put it on his cell phone.
Make a special project of getting her "hospital bag" together, so when it's time for you to go to the hospital, she has a bag for wherever it is that she's dropped off. Put a few special items in there, whether it's a special treat, coloring book, regular book, etc.
My SS is an only child (for a few more days, anyway) and his mother is, too. We have serious issues with the whole only-child syndrome with both SS and BM. I would imagine that's part of the problem, too. Baby is going to be a serious reality check for her, which is good, but it'll also be good for her.
You'll be fine. Feel free to email me at anniya77 at yahoo dot com if you'd like to talk more!
-anniya
Anyways we are all here for support.
*hugs*
Did you ask DH what will happen with SD if you are in labor? You did not say her age but I assume she is too young hto stay home alone, possibly overnight. And have you and DH discussed if he is staying at the hospital overnight with you? My DH went home at night but many woman want to keep the baby with them and you really need DH for that.
Maybe I am hormonal right now but I would just flat out ask DH what HE plans to do with SD when you and HE are at the hospital if she is at your house...she cannot be at the hospital so he needs to figure this out right now. And I would make it clear that he will be with you 100% of the time you are at the hospital in labor and however long you want afterwards. You do not know how the birth will go (c-section, etc) so he needs to have no obligations.
Ok, I am not helping but I am pissed for you. And you are right, it has nothing to do with caring about SD. What do people expect you to do, tell DH not to miss time with his DD and you will just have his other child on your own? People sometimes flame b/c they have nothing better to do.
And I am with SUWife, I would be making DH walk house to house if needed to find a babysitter if he cannot line one up...and forget costs.
I have been fighting with Hubby all day and I now realize that this is so much deeper..
It is most likely my battle because we have different parenting ideas and I am an outsider to how he parents his daughter..
his philosophy.."since she doesnt spend a lot of time with me than I dont want to spend time enforcing rules"..it just blows my mind.
On the other hand.this was a whirlwind relationship and I became a wife and mother all in 6 months and never dated a man with an ex and a child..it is definatly a challenge..not because I dont love her but because I have never dealt with it.
I still stand firm that the spouse comes before the children..if there isnt a good marriage than forget a good family so I refuse to take offense to the fact that I dont feel the children should come first..it IS possible to love and care for your children 100% w/o losing your marriage.
Although it isnt our official weekend to have her it is her mothers if she wants to come here than she can..i wish it was simple to just find a babysitter but unfortunatly my husband will deal with the wrath of his ex and with a baby coming I cant deal with the added stress...bottom line..my husband needs to go the extra mile and respect my wishes at this time
I really do appreciate all your responses..thank you
I hope it all works out for you this weekend and you do not go into labor until she is with her Mom but more importantly I hope your DH realizes that a father needs to parent too and that he needs to be there for you and your child as well. Let us know how it turns out and give an update when the baby comes...and feel free to vent here anytime.
My first thoughts were
1) How much quality time together do you think parents get? and
2) Would you feel the same way if it were your daughter that DH was spending time with (not step daughter)?
You mention you are having a c-section. I'm guessing that it's scheduled already, and that it's not this weekend. I don't think your DH is trying to ignore your needs, I just don't see that he shouldn't have the weekend with SD because there's some slight chance you might need to go to the hospital.
I'm all for putting the spouse and not the children first in terms of priorities, but I'm not seeing that you're being neglected in any way by your husband spending time with SD every other weekend.
I think you should talk to other parents, not just in blended families, to get some perspective on how much "quality time" they get as a couple, then maybe talk to your husband. I don't see how having your SD with you EOW should really leave you with "no" quality time together.
Thats why I feel that I am not respected and not considered..my H just assumes everything will be ok instead of putting my needs and wants into consideration.
Even last night the XW called and said not to pick her up till 8 cause she had a piano lesson..my H knew I was having a horrible day and offered to take me out for dinner..I havent been out in forever!!!. He thought that since we werent going to pick her up till close to her bedtime he would ask XW to just have her go to bed and we would get her early the next morning..she basically took a fit when it was only a suggestion..these are the things that just baffle me..and the things I have to struggle with...is this common???
My C-section is not scheduled..everyday is a waiting game..I am on bedrest and being monitored because they are afraid because of my diabetes that her lungs arent developed yet and want to have me wait it out until my fluid levels basically run out...doesnt mean I cant go into labor before that so I always want to have a back up plan..I'm a planner and my husband is not obviously.
Just call and ask someone to be backup. It's what we did when our families and BM weren't going to be in town!
(and even better, she can be brought by someone you like, rather than by the ex! hahaah)
Being a nanny myself when I was in college I would make arrangements to have my child taken care of way before I went into labor but I am not fearful of having someone watch my child.
There is just a huge cultural gap between me and the X.
I've read all of your posts on all of the boards, tip and fm. I definately think here is where you belong. You have a few different issues here and they are all coming to a head with the laize faire attitude your H has and the rules the ex has imposed on you.
1. The most pressing is you are having a difficult pregnancy and stress is being created b/c there isn't a firm plan in place as to how you SD is going to be cared for and it's frustrating that your H isn't stepping up.
2. You are feeling sidelined b/c you are not able to be an active partner in raising your SD with your H and possibly afraid to be sidlined w/ your own child b/c "this isn't how BM and I did it when SD was this age" also it seems like plans are made w/ BM about SD and you're not even consulted. You're just told this is how it is and you need to rearrange and bend over backwards to accommadate.
3. H's divorce guilt is causing a huge strain on your marriage and your relationship w/ your SD. Yes you love and you love your H but tell the truth your respect for him is chipping away b/c of comments like I only have x amount of time w/ her and I dont' want to spend it enforcing rules. Being a disneyworld weekend dad isn't helping SD in the long run she's going to be learning how to be a selfish manipulative brat who thinks the world revolves around her and no consequenses.
You do have every right to feel overwhelmed, alone, deceived and let down. I say deceived b/c I really believe a different family dynamic was painted for you before you really got into this. I think is this even more frustrating for you b/c you love them both so much but you aren't allowed to say boo to how anything happens.
You have been given great advice from everyone about how to handle the immedate situation about getting a sitter for SD. And honestly, it's easier sometimes to ask forgiveness than permission.
It is such a bigger picture, after I get thru the birth and the adjustment after I think we need to dive into the situation further and seek counseling.