I need honest opinions...

derricksbride

So we finally decided to take BM to court for custody. She wants more c/s and we want SD more and were sick of fighting w/ her.

anyway, how do you think our chances are of geting joint physically custody of SD. We would like 50/50. here is a bit of what has been going on:

BM has moved SD 4 times in the past 2 years. She was married and left her husband twice and then finally cheated on him w/ their neighbor and moved in w/ the boyfriend while she looked for a house. while that happened we has SD living w/ us for a month. WE live 5 mins from BM and we have SD every Wed overnight and EOW. I drive SD to school every thursday.

DH and i have a son together and SD loves being w/ him. She is doing horrible in school b/c she doesn't study and bm doesn't take any action in helping her. SD always tells us there is no food in her mom's house. And it's always dirty and messey (SD is 9).

There is more but i will stop there b/c i thin they are the strongest reason we should get her more. What do you all think?

Ilumine

1a) Get a psych consult to bolster your claims of HER feelings.  Children will tell one parent one thing and the other parent the exact opposite.  They will tell a stranger/professional the closest (not 100%) to what they really feel.

1b), a professional can asses her educational abilities too.

2) contact the school for an assessment as well.  Having her teachers give their opinion as to why she is doing poorly and their recommendations for her success will help.  Also provide this plan to her BM.  If BM does not follow through, you can use that to your advantage.

3) start documenting every time she arrives dirty.  Take pictures.  Start documenting every time she tells you that there isnt any food.

4) Start e-mailing BM for everything.  Even if you have a phone conversation, send a "confirmation" e-mail that summarizes the conversation and what your view of the end result is.  Print out and keep the copies.

derricksbride

I should clear up that SD doesn't come over dirty, her house is dirty and messey. 

We have got her a tutor but that doesn't seem to help w/ her studying.

Ilumine

Again, to use the examples you have, you need professionals to screen and document her. 

If not, it looks like differing of opinions.  Example, you have a tutor.  Her BM can hold that against you and say that since even your going above the normal limits isn't working, it is not her parenting, but a lazy/slower child.  THAT is not going to get you custody.

It sucks and it is expensive.  But other than wanting MORE time, using these weak examples can actually backfire.

Another example, the dirty house.  Cleanliness is subjective to begin with.  Add to that, you do not have any proof.  BM could very well say that you are nitpicking to fight her and have the place spotless in half a day.

This is why, on the suggestion of our lawyer, we had SS evaluated by more than a shrink and have him in weekly therapy with someone who is costing us extreme out of pocket costs because she is considered the BEST in her field IN THE STATE, as well as known for her impartiality.

We had him screened at school for his aptitude, as well as working with the teachers and admin to document any and all of his educational and emotional issues.

We do it because it is best for him, but also so we can prove to a court beyond doubt that BM's poor parenting (to include going to 4 shrinks until she found one who CLAIMED he was Bi-Polar, in order to get him on med - guess who is going to sue the pants off the doc when we get the kid's actual screening back and he is NOT tested as bi-polar) that created the monster (I say that in jest, I love my son) we are deprogramming now.

It is going to take a year at least.  And we are one up on you, since we have physical custody.  But you CAN do as much evidence gathering as you can. 

Be a boyscout - Be Prepared.

RenandStimpy

Honestly, If you havent complained yet then the judge is going to think your just picking isolated incidents here and their to justify your reasoning, trust me thats how it happened for me.

You need to speak with her school, if you havent been more involved...going to pta parent teacher conferences, etc etc....then your screwed as using that for conflict. Esp if they dont see aproblem.

As far as the moms marital affairs...unless you can get DD psych evaluated and they see that her moms behavior is affecting her negatively...again not a chance in hell as using that against her.

My advice is start making a book of records. Have DD evaluated and get more involved in school if you havent already. Ask for more visiation at first and go from there.

hindsight's_a_biotch

If I were you, I would leave out the boyfriends, cheating and messy house. The judge isn't going to give much credence to the former and one day of cleaning should address the latter.

Instead, focus on the stability issues. The moving alot, lack of studying at home, etc. And ditto on getting your daughter and evaluation and asking her teachers how she's doing.

I think you have pretty good changes considering you do have her often and you live close enough to each other for joint 50/50 custody not to be too much on SD. If you were requesting full custody, that would be different. Also consult with your lawyer. They could likely give you more detailed advice knowing the history of the court, etc.